There is no life without regrets. Regret can be a feeling, but also a mental pattern in which one remains fixed or constantly repeats itself, leading people to mull over events, reactions or actions that they could have taken. Regret can become a problem that interferes with one's happiness, causing pain and limiting future prospects. An unproductive regret can also prevent people from moving on with their lives. If you find yourself in a situation like this, identify the feelings related to regret, learn to forgive yourself and move on.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Understanding Regret
Step 1. Determine what regret is
It is a way to question one's thoughts or a feeling that leads people to blame themselves for things that have happened. When it is productive, it can help you change your future behaviors. If unproductive, i.e. when you feel totally guilty, it can create chronic stress and cause health problems.
Regret may relate to actions you have taken or not. For example, you may regret acting a certain way during an argument or not accepting a job offer
Step 2. Identify the feelings related to regret
They can be different from person to person, but they normally include: sadness, loss, remorse, anger, shame and anxiety. Try to recognize them. For example, you are led to reflect on an action that belongs to the past, mulling it over for the rest of the day. You probably feel defeated and hopeless. You might think about what you did or said, or what you could have done to change the current situation.
By constantly ruminating and hanging out, you run the risk of generating anxiety. In turn, anxiety can be a cause for concern when decisions arise that you may later regret
Step 3. Consider where your regret comes from
Think about the cause. The reasons may be different. Usually, regret depends on the following experiences.
- Education: Many people wish they had continued their studies or taken a different path. For example, you have worked in finance for 10 years and every day you think about what your life would have been like if you had studied medicine, how you dreamed of being a boy.
- Work: you may regret not having chosen a different career, chasing your professional dreams. Or you regret turning down job offers and promotions. For example, you tremble at having to go to the office every day and often think you were wrong to turn down the opportunity to co-own the company you work for.
- Family: You may regret not having made peace with a family member or friend, especially if the other person is gone. Or you blame yourself for not spending a lot of time with the older people in the family. For example, you moved across the country due to your spouse's job. You have never made an effort to stay in touch with your grandmother by calling her or visiting her. Now that she's gone, you feel regret that you didn't do anything to be by her side.
- Marriage: It is possible to regret the decision to marry at a certain point in life or to regret having chosen your partner. Some may even regret not getting married at all. For example, you started a family with your husband because he was liked and approved by your family. After five years of marriage, you found that you didn't share any interest with him. You often think about what your life would have been like if you had married the person you were engaged to for a long time and your parents didn't like you.
Part 2 of 3: Overcoming Regret with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Step 1. Resort to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
The exercises of this type of psychotherapy teach to correct habits and mental patterns. You have a chance to begin modifying your feelings of regret, shame, and anger. So, try to focus on emotionally healing any harmful and unproductive thoughts you harbor.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy works by reducing and correcting feelings of regret and anxiety, rather than just repeating yourself to stop thinking about the past
Step 2. Recognize what your regrets are
When people feel they are falling into a state of grief and regret, they often wonder "why" they acted or didn't act a certain way, and these strong doubts often lead them to freeze. List your regrets and any questions you keep asking. For example, you may wonder why you behaved the way you did. Go through your list and replace the questions that contain "why?" with "what to do now?". By doing so, you will be able to overcome the impasse you are in.
For example, you might ask yourself "Why did I snap so abruptly with my son last week?" adding "So, what should I do?". You might tell yourself that you know you have little patience right after work. In the future, try taking a five-minute break before being with your kids
Step 3. Learn the lesson
Regret can be an important learning tool for the future. Try to study what lessons you have learned throughout your life, recognizing the extent to which you have become more sensible. For example, if you regret treating your partner badly, you may have learned that if you disrespect them, you feel a lot of sorrow. As you gain this awareness, you can become a wiser spouse and person.
Step 4. Apply what you have learned
What you feel mortified about and regret may have to do with something you have learned about yourself and others. After gaining this awareness, the chances of repeating a certain behavior in the future will be less. Make sure you adopt the judgment you have developed.
For example, if you have learned that disrespecting your partner makes him feel distrustful, then don't behave this way again in the future
Step 5. Manage how regrets affect your future
While it is not possible to change the past, it is possible to choose how the past affects the present and the future.
For example, you can't change the amount or frequency you drank when you were in college, but you can choose not to let this kind of regret make you feel guilty now or affect your future choices
Step 6. Recognize productive regret
Ruminating on what is beyond your control constitutes unproductive regret. However, when it is productive, it can become positive if it is moved to improve yourself or to make you seize opportunities. Once you realize that you have missed an opportunity related to education, finance or emotion, it is much more likely that you will not repeat the mistake in the future.
If you are hesitating at a new opportunity, ask yourself if you would rather worry about a missed opportunity or if it would be better to grab it. By trying something new, you will minimize the chance of having regrets in the future
Part 3 of 3: Coping with Regret
Step 1. Develop your empathy towards others
You are not the only one experiencing feelings of regret. Consider what people might face in their life. Remember that empathy helps you understand others' feelings better. It is an attitude that can lead you to question your own prejudices and to listen to others seriously.
For example, if you regret drinking a lot during your college years, you can genuinely understand how your child feels after a night they're not proud of
Step 2. Turn regret into gratitude
Perhaps you will consider the feeling of regret in the following terms: "I should have …", "I could have …", "I can't believe that …", "Because I don't have …". Change these expressions into statements of gratitude. You will see the past differently and you will begin to let go of this sense of frustration. If you find yourself expressing regret using those expressions, try using a statement of gratitude. This way, you can start looking at the past in a positive light.
For example, replace "I should have gone to college" with "I'm thankful it's not too late to go to college." Or change "I should have done everything possible to stop drinking" into "I'm grateful that I can do my best now."
Step 3. Be understanding with yourself
Regret can cause resentment towards oneself and others. Therefore, learn to forgive yourself. Not only will you reduce the feelings of regret, but you can also improve your self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem is essential in many areas of life, including social relationships.
It is not enough to try to eliminate regrets. Rather, admit your mistakes and how you feel, but give yourself the opportunity to move forward
Step 4. Write a letter addressed to yourself
By writing a letter, you will be able to forgive yourself. This is an emotional and cognitive exercise that will begin to heal the regret you feel. Write a letter addressed to the child or teenager you have been and address the smallest part of yourself, as if you were talking to your child or a close friend. This way you will be able to be indulgent towards yourself.
Remind the child part of yourself that he deserves the best in life, even if he has made mistakes, since you are a person and making mistakes is not a major problem
Step 5. Make daily reassurances
A reassurance is a positive statement designed to encourage, uplift and make people more forgiving, even towards yourself. If you are indulgent with yourself, it will be easier to empathize and forgive the person you have been in the past and, therefore, lessen the feelings of a regret. Express aloud, write or think some reassurance. Here are some examples:
- I am a good person and I deserve the best, despite my past.
- I am human and making mistakes is not a major problem.
- I have learned a lot from my past experiences and deserve a bright future.
Advice
- You can't change what happened in the past, but you can choose how your past affects the present and the future.
- Remember that at times you can actually be too hard on yourself.
- Try to imagine the benefits you can derive from moving forward and leaving the sorrow behind.
- Seek out a support group or see a therapist to find out how you can recover from the pain caused by regret.
- Help out people in need as a volunteer or support a charity so you can get away from your life thoughts for a while.
Warnings
- If at any time your distress turns into depression, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, immediately contact a doctor, psychologist, therapist, psychiatrist, suicide phone line, psychological center, or someone you can trust. to help you. Remember that you are not alone!
- If you feel guilty because someone has psychologically or physically abused you, don't take any responsibility. Talk to the police right away (and your family if you are a minor) so that whoever harmed you is stopped and doesn't have a chance to repeat their behavior with you and other victims.
