Are you having trouble with some friend who tramples on your dignity? Do your parents make you feel guilty? Don't you ever have money because you lend it all to others? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you probably need help learning how to impose your personality. It may not be easy, but in the long run, if you get used to behaving assertively, you will be able to communicate your needs more effectively.
Steps
Part 1 of 2: Learn to Communicate Better
Step 1. Learn to speak for yourself
By using phrases in the first person, you will demonstrate that you take responsibility for everything you feel and think, without attacking or offending others. These are assertive statements made in relation to a particular topic of discussion and based on personal experiences. They do not manage to review your interlocutor, but they convey to him: "This is my way of seeing the situation". Here are some examples:
- "I get scared and shocked every time I hear screams or swearing in an argument" instead of "When you scream and swear, I get scared. You have to stop."
- "I fear my abilities are being undervalued in my current position" instead of "You have given me a position that prevents me from growing."
Step 2. Don't worry about saying "no"
You will certainly not be very friendly when you reject projects or invitations from friends, but sometimes saying no allows you to give preference to events and tasks that are more useful for your personal growth. In principle, you have every right to use your time as you see fit. Assertiveness means rejecting situations that don't offer you any advantage.
It can be hard to say no at first, but with practice, you will notice that this exercise helps you get ahead. In this way you will learn to establish limits with people and to assert yourself, qualities that are very important for personal and professional growth
Step 3. Judge less
Many people are reluctant to impose their personality on people because they think that being assertive is judging. By definition, assertiveness means asserting one's personality and, consequently, encourages you to find compromises, take into account the needs of others and have respect for people. Judgments are not allowed.
Step 4. Capture your emotions
Assertive people are considered excellent communicators. It follows that these masters in the art of communication do not allow oneself to be overwhelmed by emotions, but they maintain control because, if they do not know how to manage their feelings effectively, they risk facing disastrous consequences.
- For example, you will get nowhere if you get angry when you disagree with someone. Such a reaction can only harm relationships because you let your emotions talk and not your objectivity.
- The first step towards controlling your feelings is to become aware of them. Start monitoring them for a few days. Take note of the moments and situations in which they are unleashed. Create a pattern in which to insert different emotions and try to give a name to everything you feel.
- Next, find out where certain feelings come from. In other words, why did you react in a certain way? Then determine if what you feel emotionally reflects exactly how you want to behave and interact with people. If not, you will have to choose to change your point of view by correcting negative or useless thoughts.
Step 5. Avoid using non-peremptory statements
Basically, don't dampen a speech by adding a sentence that dulls its meaning. In written arguments it is good practice to leave room for some uncertainty, so a non-peremptory statement is useful in this sense. However, in our context that focuses on the importance of assertiveness, it is necessary to express opinions by formulating categorical statements, i.e. phrases that the author supports 100%. Categorical statements leave no room for doubt and, therefore, allow you to impose your personality.
- For example, a non-peremptory statement could be: "It's just my opinion, but …" or "Feel free to ignore what I'm telling you, but …".
- A categorical and decisive statement can be: "In my opinion …" (without adding "but" or shirking one's responsibilities) or "I think the best way to act is …".
Step 6. Evaluate your body language
Non-verbal communication has the same effect, if not stronger, than words. Those who can communicate assertively must be aware of their body language so as not to be threatening or insensitive in the eyes of others.
- Those who speak assertively have respect for the personal space of their interlocutor and leave a distance of almost one meter between themselves and others. In addition, he maintains direct, but unobtrusive eye contact while speaking in an appropriate tone of voice (not too low or too loud) and a linguistic register suited to the situation and place.
- You can stand or sit in an upright but relaxed posture (with your arms and legs not crossed, but facing the other person) and use non-threatening gestures to explain your opinion.
Step 7. Learn to choose your battles
It is not certain that it is always advisable to act as peacemaker. However, even attacking people for the slightest mistake in judgment will not win you over to new supporters. Being assertive means finding a precise but flexible compromise.
Choose your battles. Not all issues require full discussion or grandiloquent speeches. Decide which ones meet your values and try to make your voice heard on these occasions
Part 2 of 2: Increase your self-esteem
Step 1. Try to understand what you want
Assertiveness can help fuel self-esteem, but some self-esteem is needed to assert your personality among people. Assertiveness and self-esteem are closely tied to what you want from life. How do you want to be treated by others? What is the consideration you would like to have of yourself? What are you passionate about? Which people do you want to surround yourself with? What things do you value, both personally and interpersonally? All of these questions can give you a clearer idea of what you want.
To start, get a sheet of paper and list everything you admire about yourself and others. You could include qualities such as ambition, forgiveness, understanding, honesty, or kindness. Place them in order of importance, or whichever you consider most significant. This classification will help you answer many other questions
Step 2. Clarify what your expectations are about yourself and others
Once you understand what you want from life, try to make it happen. Do not agree to be treated with attitudes that do not reflect your parameters. Express your main desires and fight when they are not fulfilled.
- For example, if your partner is lying to you and this behavior satisfies your desire for an open and honest relationship, you need to care (i.e. talk) with him and discuss what you want. If he doesn't respect your rights, then decide if you intend to continue this story.
- Avoid beating around the bush and don't expect others to understand your needs. Express everything you want and need in a simple and healthy way, showing others that this is an important aspect that you cannot negotiate: "I expect to have a partner I can trust" or "I wish you were. always honest with me ".
Step 3. Recognize what's best for yourself
To increase your self-esteem, it is essential to be aware of your strengths. Make two lists: one to write down your achievements and the other to write down everything you admire about yourself. Ask a close friend or family member for help if you have trouble identifying the characteristics that make you a beautiful person.
Step 4. Start correcting your thoughts
Few understand that one of the most powerful tools we have at our disposal to manage our emotions and behaviors is found in our mind. What you say to yourself every day can help you determine if you are good or bad in your skin. Learn to manage your inner voice by paying close attention to negative or useless phrases that concern you personally. Replace negative thoughts with more positive ones by finding evidence (or absence of evidence) to support or discredit the most sterile beliefs.
- For example, you might find yourself saying, "I'm never going to get a raise. Nobody notices my work." Can you really predict the future (i.e. that you won't get a raise)? How do you know that nobody notices your work?
- By questioning yourself, you can show that such a thought is clearly irrational, as no one can predict the future. By becoming aware of negative thoughts, you can silence the most critical part of yourself that dwarfs your self-esteem.
Step 5. Show your respect for people
It is important to recognize that the term "assertive" has a radically different meaning from "aggressive". The latter is used several times in the business world as a positive adjective. Aggressive market, aggressive sales - can be useful in certain contexts. However, an aggressive communicator attacks, belittles, disrespects and violates the rights of others.
