Being a stepparent can be rewarding and complicated. If you have married or become the mate of someone who already has children, you will need to consider them as part of your relationship, and you will need to love, raise and protect them to the best of your abilities. Being a good stepfather is like being a good father, but you will need to understand that it takes time and willpower to establish your role as a stepfather in the new family situation.
Steps
Step 1. Remember that children can also have their biological father as a father figure
Don't try to compete with the biological father.
Step 2. Be patient as you wait for your stepchildren to respond to your attention, affection, and love
Often, children will be deeply hurt by the circumstances that led to the separation of their biological parents and the breakup of the original family unit. For many of them, building new relationships will be scary. Time heals everything, but on your part, you can continue to have a positive attitude and support the children to help them open up to you.
Step 3. Spend time with your stepchildren during their activities
Helping them with their homework, with projects, and attending sporting events they take part in will show them that you are willing to help them with their commitments. The more involved you are, the sooner the child will accept your role as an alternate father and will be grateful that you are a part of his life.
Step 4. Balance the time and gifts you give to your children and stepchildren
Your children and your stepchildren are both part of your family. Avoid creating favorite children under any circumstances; each child should be treated like the others, and none of them should be marginalized.
- Pay attention to how your stepchildren interact with your children, if you have them. Jealousy is toxic in all relationships. If you notice any jealousy, try to resolve it immediately. To keep the family environment happy, the hatred between half-siblings must be faced with fairness and prudence.
- Never treat your stepchildren as if they are not worth your time or your affection just because they are not your biological children.
- Never make your stepchildren feel like you don't care about them or like you don't like them, or like they're a hindrance in your relationship with their mother.
Step 5. Invite the stepchildren to participate in your activities
If you go fishing, play golf, or have other hobbies, take your stepson with you if possible. Not only will you give the baby a chance to know what you like, but you will give the mother a break. Likewise, never force your child to do what you ask him to do - if he doesn't seem enthusiastic about going fishing or DIY, don't force him. With the passage of time and your enthusiasm, your child may decide to try it with you. But even if he never shows interest, it would be simply because of his personal interests, not an attempt to get away from you. Getting your child to do things he hates just to prove you can be friends will be counterproductive. Instead, keep looking for common interests until you can find a business that you both enjoy.
- Spend time with your stepson to teach them how to be a responsible adult.
- Show the child that you are willing to help with the housework. It is important for children to understand that running a home is a family business, a responsibility shared by everyone, not just the mother. Don't be old-fashioned, even if the baby's real father is.
Step 6. Communicate clearly and calmly
Let your stepson know that you are willing to talk whenever he needs it and be a good listener when your stepson decides to open up to you. Be open-minded and accept your differences, because the child went through different experiences before you arrived. Let him know your preferences without sounding aggressive or intimidating - always explain your actions and opinions with logical reasoning.
- Never let the only relationship you have with a stepson in a day be screaming and shouting. You should always try to focus on the positive things he does and not always on his mistakes.
- Keep your negative views about the baby's biological father to yourself. Unless asked directly, don't talk about your opinion of him in front of the child or anyone else. If asked directly, be cautious and gentle, as there will often be a risk of a strong emotional reaction. Each parent educates their children differently, and unless the father in any way takes part in raising the children or abuses them in some way, you won't have to judge him.
- Never argue with the baby's mother in front of him. Be especially careful not to make abusive comments towards her when her child can hear you. The child will be very vigilant about disagreements, especially due to the sense of protection towards the mother and having great hope that this new relationship can result in a happy new family.
Step 7. Respect the child's private spaces
All children, from preteen through adolescence, need privacy and reasonable personal space, and unless there are serious concerns about the child's behavior or activities, the more space you give them, the more they will feel. your trust.
Step 8. Raise the child according to the wishes of the mother
This means talking openly with the mother about her expectations and intentions about raising your stepson and clarifying the direction both of you are taking.
Respect the mother's decisions regarding discipline and duties. Even if you think they are not adequate, do not talk about them in front of children and do not make comments aimed at undermining their authority. Instead, talk to her privately about your concerns and try to reach a compromise that benefits the child
Step 9. Discuss decisions that directly or indirectly affect your stepson with his mother
Do not enroll your child in a summer camp without asking for their opinion. Do not purchase firearms, fireworks, or even seemingly harmless paintball or air guns for your stepson without his approval. Never take your child in a potentially hazardous vehicle without their permission.
- Talk about video games and other cultural influences with the baby's mother. Social pressure will often lead the mother to allow her child to do "something", because everyone else "does". Each family should live by their own standards and their own code of ethics. The mother needs your help and opinion to decide if the child should play violent or explicit games, or if he can go to an adult movie with his friends.
- Accept that your partner is a mother and cannot always be free to spend time alone with you. There will be times when you need to help your child or spend time with your child when you would like to spend time with her.
Step 10. Help plan your stepson's future
It may be your responsibility to start a savings plan for college expenses, his first car, and to help him find his first job. Take an active part in making decisions regarding the baby's future by talking to the mother and baby himself if it is appropriate to do so.
Step 11. Be a good example for your stepson
Smoking, drinking too much and taking drugs are activities to be avoided in a home with children. The effects of secondhand smoke on young people's lungs and learning to regard drugs as normal can ruin a child's life. If you are having addiction problems, seek help. If you must smoke, always smoke outdoors, away from the baby.
Step 12. Remember, being a stepfather is a leadership role within a team
Accept the unique qualities of each team member, their limitations and their particularities. There will be beautiful and even wonderful moments, but there will also be conflicts, disagreements and disappointments. Patience, love and a compassionate outlook will help you overcome these problems. You are the adult, and no matter how serious the situation is, you should remember that you can often laugh at it in the future.
- Be yourself. It is almost impossible to behave and act in ways that are "unnatural" to you. You may impress your stepson for a while, but your true nature will emerge sooner or later.
- It is a good idea to maintain a good relationship with your stepson's biological father, except in cases where he is not welcome in the child's life. A large number of stepfathers are good friends with their stepchildren's biological fathers - both men act in the best interests of the child and cooperate. If both men are reasonable, conflicts are rare.
- Never miss an opportunity to tell your stepson you love him.
Step 13. Try to forget that this is not your biological child
In some cases, thinking about this fact will make you feel uncomfortable and like an unnatural presence next to your baby. Treat him as you would your child: if you love your partner so much, why shouldn't you love her child?
Advice
- Pay attention to your stepchildren's strengths and make a habit of bragging about them as you do about your children. "My youngest stepdaughter is so smart, she figured out how to use the computer faster than me." "My stepson is amazing, yesterday he sang my favorite song, and he was in tune and danced. He's really talented!" Whatever their talents and interests, feel proud that they are part of your family. Don't try to do it in front of them. If you do this as a habit, they will figure it out by how new people treat them and eventually they will hear you, because you will not notice that they are listening to you. The more you do it naturally, the more the impact of those sentences will be powerful and will help you to be considered as a true parent. (Do this with your kids too. You will help them feel more confident.)
- Small rewards to reward the stepchildren will go a long way in winning their affection. When you appreciate their accomplishments with something tangible, even a sticker found inside chewing gum, and for them it is a meaningful gift because you have paid attention to their interests, you will bring out the best in your stepchildren. You will reinforce their positive attitudes more than any punishment and communicate your fairness and appreciation. Children are very concerned with fairness. Rewarding them with praise and thanking them when they do something for you will make them realize that you are a good person.
- Don't let the idea of becoming a "best friend" influence your judgment. If a child wants to do something dangerous or frowned upon by his mother, he may ask you to side with him, and put you in a difficult position. Never say yes to the child without the approval of the other parent. Never tell the baby to do something without asking the mother first.
- Before dating a woman with children, be prepared for the emotional price to pay for being a stepfather. "You are not my real father" is something you may hear yourself say. A good answer is, "No, I'm not. I'm your stepfather. I love your mother and I love you because I see her in you. I don't try to be your father. But I still want your good. I try to do my best and I'm not trying to replace him. I'm still a real parent even if I'm not your real father."
- For children under ten, an opportunity to bond with you is to play educational games together. Create creative reward-based games in line with the child's class schedule, or more advanced. Involve your partner when you started. Try to make activities like this regular - a time your stepson can spend with you when mom or dad aren't around.
Warnings
- Never complain about your stepchildren to strangers. Don't even do this about your children. When you talk about them, always highlight the positives.
- Becoming a stepfather puts you in charge of protecting your stepchildren from harm. Be aware of the risks that the child runs and beware of the dangers in the home. Young children suffer terrible events every day due to parental neglect.
- Never say "You should be more like your brother / stepbrother" and don't compare your children, natural and adopted. Each child is a different human being with their own needs, talents, goals and personalities. Take them as they are and judge them in relation to their abilities. And don't stop to notice their successes. Remember that commitment should be equally important in judging results.
- Never put your partner in the position of having to choose between you and her children. A mother will always stand up for her children, and you would create differences between you.
- Don't complain about everything your stepchildren do. Remember that it's not easy for children to take on a new environment and learn to respect yourself right away.
