Much has been said over the years about difficult mothers-in-law, but what if it's the daughter-in-law (or son-in-law for that matter) who creates an atmosphere of conflict and dispute? If your relationship with your daughter-in-law or son-in-law is complicated and you feel like you are walking through a minefield every time you spend time together, you will need to proceed with caution. Accepting that this is the person your son or daughter has decided to marry is important and there are things you can do to "oil the gears" and pave the way for a smoother course of this fraught relationship.. For example, if your child and their spouse actually need psychological assistance, you can step in to help them get it. For smoother readability, this article focuses on handling a difficult daughter-in-law, but the same advice can apply to an awkward son-in-law.
Steps
Step 1. Respect your child's choice
Your son loves this woman, even though you can't understand what you find in her. Remember the old song “When a man loves a woman, if she doesn't suit him, he can't understand it. According to him, she can't do anything wrong. He would turn his back on his best friend if he were to speak ill of her”. This is an absolute truth, therefore, in dealing with her, however different your real feelings are, you should never say a word against her in front of your child.
Step 2. Always be friendly towards him
She could be a clumsy, clueless lout. It could be vulgar and insensitive. He might swear like a sailor when your whole family goes to church. She may actually be unkind and cruel, a narcissistic manipulator who never wants to lose control and who has no qualms about trampling on others to get everything she wants. There is nothing you can do about it. Be as polite as you would be to a stranger. The only real exception to this is when you have grandchildren (for example your son has siblings who have children) and she swears like crazy in front of them; in this case you could say, quietly, “Oh, can we moderate the language in front of the children? They might get in trouble saying that word and I don't want them to learn it here. Thanks . As much as she makes you lose your temper, stay calm and be calm, composed and polite.
Step 3. Determine your boundaries based on your convenience
You may not want to support this union any more than is absolutely necessary to maintain at least a minimal relationship with your child. This choice is up to you. So, set the boundaries so they are clear from the start. If your daughter-in-law makes mocking or mischievous comments about another family member (maybe your other daughter-in-law), you say, “Well, maybe she doesn't have a strong sense of fashion, but she's one of the sweetest people I know and I really love ". This will make her realize in a calm and non-critical way that you are not interested in hearing her derisive remarks about this person. If she shows up at your house without being invited, don't let her in, stop her at the door and say regretfully but firmly "I'm sorry, Alice"; then, add something you need to do, stating “I was going out on some errands, I'm really in a rush. But you know what, it would be much better if you called before you come, so you don't come right when I'm in the shower, dancing naked or doing anything else. " Finally, smile broadly and go inside. Does she say she would like to accompany you? Tell her that you need to pick up a friend and that you have been planning this meeting with her for a long time. Explain that you spend very little time with this friend and that you would not appreciate it if she brought someone else with her at the last minute, who respects this time you carve out for yourself. “Next time you come, let me know in advance so I can reschedule my meeting with Barbara or ask her if it would bother her to invite you too; we can give it a try next time!”. Stay positive.
Step 4. Don't forget that she may be the mother of your grandchildren
It will control access to all offspring that will result from marriage to your child. Your best chance to visit them is to maintain a warm and friendly relationship, biting your tongue if you want the situation to remain civil. Don't criticize his parenting skills, don't get upset if he changes plans at the last minute, leaving you out in the cold when you planned to pick up the kids from his house to keep them over the weekend. This is one of the ways that certain people control situations and others (read How to Recognize a Manipulatory and Authoritarian Relationship). The best thing you can do is understand that she has the final say in what her children can do. And don't fool yourself that you have so many rights: Courts don't tend to be on the side of grandparents, unless the mother and / or father are declared unfit to take care of the children or are not arrested for a crime. Just try to do your best to keep an open relationship, no matter how your tongue is about to explode.
Step 5. Talk to your child
But be careful. You don't just have to spill the beans with a litany about your daughter-in-law's hateful traits. Instead, try to take a diplomatic, not a critical approach. State the problem and then ask for the solution that you think is most valid for you:
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Example 1: Your daughter-in-law was supposed to take your grandchildren to your house to sleep over on Friday night, but she didn't go. You wait for an hour and a half before calling your child, worried and sad, to find that their plans have changed and that they have decided to postpone the visit. Wisely, wait for a day and then call your child to discuss a more suitable way for everyone to handle this problem.
- You: “Luca, you asked us if we would like to have the children last weekend. Alice was supposed to bring them here at 5 on Friday afternoon and pick them up on Sunday at noon. Instead, she didn't show up on Friday, and by the time it was 6:30, we started to worry. I had to call you to find out that your plans had changed, and you both knew that since Thursday."
- Luca (your son) replies: “Mom, I'm sorry. I thought Alice called you and she thought I was going to call, there was a misunderstanding between us, we are really busy and it crossed our minds to rethink the call to make to you. The plans changed at the last minute, so I'm sorry for that”.
- You: “I understand that you are very busy, but this has happened before and the fact is that Alice never seems to want to call when plans change; what happens every single time is that i have to call you to find out what's going on. This is very reckless, Luca, and you know it. Your father and I also have our own lives and are overwhelmed with things to do. We didn't make any plans last weekend so the kids could come and stay with us, your dad turned down an invitation to go fishing with his friends. In the future, I would like you to call at least a day earlier if the plans change, but most of all I'd like you to be the one in charge, you shouldn't leave the call to Alice. I don't want to be the classic nuisance mother-in-law or cause you problems with your wife. But I also don't want to be ignored and pushed aside, and whether it's intentional or not, it makes me feel like a doormat. So, can we come to an agreement that, in the future, if plans change and you pull back, you will be calling and not Alice?”.
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Example 2: you have the opposite problem. Alice passes by you without notifying you and constantly leaves you the children, without giving you the opportunity to organize time to devote to yourself and treating you as if you were her maid or her personal babysitter, always available when she needs it.
- You: "Alice, I'm sorry, I can't take care of the kids right now."
- Alice: "Oh, I know it's on short notice" (actually, there was no warning). "But please, I have to do that thing …" (in the meantime she pushes the children towards the door).
- You (standing firmly at the door): “Honey, I'm sorry, this time I can't. I'd love to, but I really need some notice. I have plans that I cannot cancel and I cannot take the children with me”.
- Don't get weak to keep the peace. That will not work. She will continue to do this and you will continue to seethe with anger and, eventually, you may break out and say something unpleasant, which will cause a huge rift in your family. Instead, gently but firmly defend your territory, and clearly determine the boundaries. Afterward, call your child.
- You: "I guess Alice told you I was 'bad' today because I couldn't babysit the kids."
- Luca: "Yes" (he probably understands this and is not angry with you, but he is exasperated because his wife is making a drama of it and does not know how to make him let it go).
- You: "I feel bad about it, but honey, I have a life too, and lately it just seems like Alice is assuming that I can hold the kids whenever she feels like going shopping with the kids. her friends or whatever else she plans to do. I don't like being taken for granted. I don't want World War III to break out here and I don't want to hurt his feelings; I love children and I always want to be with them, but Luca, I need a minimum of notice. A little appreciation that it is not easy for me to keep small children. As much as I love them, I am getting old, I have raised my children and I think I deserve at least a little respect; Alice should ask me in advance if I'm available to babysit instead of suddenly appearing and unloading the children. Can you talk to her please? I think he'll take it better if the words come from you, but, in the future, I really wish he would call me sooner. Even just a couple of hours early, but having at least the option to answer yes or no would make me feel a lot better."
- Again, no matter how rude and obnoxious you think Alice was, it's better to simply face your feelings instead of criticizing her. Luca will certainly understand, and if you can get him to talk to his wife instead of pushing you to keep saying no to her, this will make your relationship easier. However, if Luca makes an attempt and does not get any results because his wife is simply one of those people who thinks they have the right to do whatever they want, no matter how inconvenient it causes others, then you will only have to set more marked boundaries., without deviating. A tip: never babysit, unless you get at least 24 hours' notice, but make sure both Luca and Alice are aware of this. State that you have a life of your own and that if they ask you to keep an eye on the children a day earlier, you will be much more than willing to babysit; if they don't, you won't be able to help. In other words, if she calls you and asks you to hold the children an hour before she leaves your home, just respond by telling her that you have already made other commitments. If you hold onto a firm stance and don't allow her to overwhelm you, but, instead, just inform her patiently and calmly without giving too many explanations, she will soon realize that she cannot expect certain things from you.
Deal With a Difficult Daughter in Law Step 6 Step 6. Accept the reality of the facts
If your child has had children with this woman, no matter how low you esteem her, the children need their mom. Trying to get babies away from the mother will only cause some separation between you and your baby, and her babies. Rather, come to terms with this: maybe she is not the daughter-in-law you dreamed of, but she is the one who touched you. Make sure you have any kind of relationship with her as possible, in order to keep in touch with your child and grandchildren.
Deal With a Difficult Daughter in Law Step 7 Step 7. In the worst case, behave kindly
If you know this girl is vain, flatter her. If you know the gossip, just find somewhere else to stay so you don't get involved. If he swears and it offends you, never point it out in his house, but you may want to ask him to tone it down in yours. If she is overly critical of your kitchen, your sense of decor and your clothes, just let it go. Learn to handle it, however unbearable it is. Listen politely and very carefully to what he says and then go your own way and do exactly what you like best. If this woman is practically intractable, this may be the best route you can take. If it's dangerous, that's a different kettle of fish (example: the reason it's sometimes hard is because he gets drunk, abuses drugs, etc.) and you should actually get in touch with child protection services, or an equivalent institution, in such a case.
Deal With a Difficult Daughter in Law Step 8 Step 8. Go with the flow
Learn to be relaxed. You earn nothing if you just complain about her to your child. If you have expressed your feelings, drawn clear boundaries, and asked your child to intervene, and all of it has had little and no positive results, then just go with the flow. All you can do is not allow her to constantly trample you with unreasonable expectations, demanding that you offer her babysitting services, etc. If he's a real adder and makes critical or malicious comments, pretend you haven't heard. And never say anything critical or nasty about her to your grandchildren - she is their mom after all, and as much as you wish it were different, mom always beats grandma, at least until the kids are mature enough. to understand that this woman is a difficult, confused and narcissistic person. Just try to get along with it for the sake of the children, so that you can be an influence for stability and compassion in their lives, perhaps even mitigating some of the damage she is doing to them.
Advice
- Simply understanding that you can't change her, you can only change your reactions to her, can be very liberating.
- Accept that some people are just like water and oil, they won't mix well. This is not necessarily because she has a heart of stone, or vice versa. It could just be that your personalities are incompatible. Nobody likes everyone. If you can only accept that she will never be your favorite person and try to appreciate those moments when you can be comfortable in her company, the situation will be more manageable.
- Try not to blame your child.
- Avoid grinding your teeth for hours after she makes a nasty or ruthless comment. Remember that her nasty remarks say a lot more about her than about you.
- Show respect, even when she doesn't.
- A positive attitude and willingness to make the most of any situation that interferes with this woman will help you in the long run.
- Try to understand that his way of being could come from his shyness or his problems trusting people, or maybe he is too eager to feel acceptance from the family and, in this impatience, he could cross the normal boundaries. This might seem like a bone of contention, but in reality, the situation may improve over time, in relation to the fact that she will feel more welcome and part of the family. If you have been welcoming to her but she has rejected you, keep extending your welcoming hand until she is able to grasp her as a mature person, not as a domineering, out of control child or as a cold, distant, or disdainful stranger.
Warnings
- Any harsh comments you make to her will not be liked by your child. Control yourself.
- The frustration you feel towards him will probably mark your entire relationship. If you can try to "reset" it every time you see it, in other words starting from scratch every single time, then you will not hold old grudges or feed old disappointments, in your heart you will not keep a count of all the wrongs it has done to you.
