Punishing a child, especially a stubborn or older child, can be quite difficult. The education imparted to children teaches not only to discern between acceptable and unacceptable behaviors, but also how to react in hostile situations once they become adults. If you react to negative behavior by arguing rationally and looking for a solution to the problem, your children will learn to do the same, as they are prone to assimilate more from behavior than from words. Most experts agree that the most important part of childhood education is ensuring a sense of security and love, and argue that positive reinforcement is more effective than punishment.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Making the Child Aware of Wrong Behaviors
Step 1. Learn to say "no" to your child
Act as soon as you spot the wrong behavior in the child, and call his attention to what he did. It is important to explain why his attitude is not acceptable, and that he understands why he is being scolded. This way, you will teach him that his actions have consequences.
- Be firm, but don't scream. If you cry out to communicate your mood, the baby will learn to do the same.
- Stay calm and act immediately, without letting yourself be dominated by anger.
- Speak clearly and make eye contact.
- Whether it's a small child or a little older, lower yourself to their height when you talk to them.
- Give him an explanation if he is old enough to understand. Use your sensitivity and focus on how his behavior affects others, risking harming them. If she is 10-12, talk about the repercussions her actions or decisions could have on a larger scale.
Step 2. Remove your child from situations in which he is in difficulty
If the child misbehaves, gets angry, loses patience, or disturbs, walk away with him. Take him to a quiet place to discuss how he is feeling or what he has just accomplished, and explain how he can improve his conduct in the future. Remember that children don't always know how to express themselves correctly, so in some cases punishment is not the best way to teach education.
- Encourage the child and reassure him that you are there to support him.
- Tell your child you love him.
- Reassure him by telling him that you understand.
- In these cases, a small child reacts better to cuddling and physical closeness, as they feel more secure and loved.
- An older child who starts to feel more autonomous probably does not want to be pampered at these times, so reassure him that you are there to support him and teach him to calm down, such as by deep breathing, counting, distracting him, listening to soothing songs and using visualization techniques..
Step 3. Establish yourself as the boss
Children are often disobedient and refuse to listen if they think they can get away with it. Formulate a sentence that reminds the child that you are in charge. Repeat it when he misbehaves. Respect the decisions you make, otherwise he will think he is in control of the situation. Remember that you are the parent, not a friend, and that your goal is not to get their approval, but to keep them safe and healthy and to teach them to be polite and responsible.
- To establish control, try a few phrases, such as "I'm the parent" or "I'm in charge here."
- Don't retrace your steps, no matter what kind of whim. Do not give in, even if they try to manipulate you (for example, by holding your breath).
- An older child may try to challenge you in these cases. Encourage him to participate in discussions about decisions related to his life and to find out to what extent various solutions can affect him. Remember that, essentially, the final decision is up to you, but be prepared to explain how you made it so that you can see how responsible the path that led you to certain conclusions is.
Part 2 of 3: Positively Strengthening Right Behaviors
Step 1. Praise him
Sometimes children behave badly because they know that in this way they are able to attract the attention of others, so they identify, recognize and appreciate when they do well, instead of reacting only when they are wrong. You will promote their self-esteem, encourage them to behave correctly, and dissuade them from engaging in misconduct. If you focus on how you feel and how your child's behavior positively affects the two of you, he will learn that behaving well is his reward.
- When you are proud of the right choice he made, tell him.
- Be specific when you praise him, highlighting the behavior you want to approve of.
- Based on their age, thank them for showing excellent listening skills, sharing, or completing their homework and some household chores.
- Compare past conduct with current behaviors, focusing on how to improve them. Set realistic goals regarding further future progress.
Step 2. Reward him when he behaves well
Offer your child a small treat to express your gratitude, such as when he listens to you, plays right, helps you around the house, and is a diligent child. A concession can also be used as a reward, but avoid food as it could generate bad eating habits. Don't bribe him by giving him rewards in advance.
- Some parents use a chart to put stickers on to record positive changes in younger children. Tell your child what you expect from him so he can earn a sticker and, at the end of the day, have a family reunion to discuss his behavior and what led him to win a sticker (or not.).
- The points system can also work: when he behaves well, the child earns points that can be converted into entertainment or gifts. This method can even make them regain a lost privilege, such as using the scooter, or buy time to spend with friends.
Step 3. Give your child a chance to make some decisions
Children often misbehave because they feel they have no control over. If you give your child the power to make a few small decisions, they will feel that they have greater management skills in their hands and will behave more responsibly.
- Let him choose between reading a book and coloring before dinner or going to sleep when he is very young.
- Let him choose his clothes.
- Give him a choice of toys to play with in the bathtub.
- Ask him what kind of sandwich he prefers for breakfast.
- As he grows up, decisions can become a little more important. Let him choose the class, if the school allows it, or give him the option to decide what kind of sports or extracurricular activities to do.
Part 3 of 3: Explaining the Consequences of Bad Behavior
Step 1. Clarify expectations and consequences
Make sure your child knows exactly what you expect from him and what will happen if he breaks the rules. Try to establish disciplinary measures if necessary. Avoid making exaggerated or unnecessary threats, because he will understand that they will not materialize in any punishment. If he knows he can get away with it, he will continue to challenge you and push the boundaries you set him. Teach him consistently and logically that his actions are not without consequences. Explain the relationship between his behavior and the effects it causes, telling him, for example:
- "With this behavior you will have less time to spend on the rides."
- "You lost your turn to play when you took the toy from that other child."
- "You decided to stop playing when you bit your friend."
- "If you don't collect your toys, you won't be able to play with them."
- "If you are not honest, you lose our trust."
Step 2. Make your child learn from his mistakes
It is natural that every action has consequences. In any context, be it school, church or society, certain conduct is expected from children; therefore, they will be forced to learn the hard way that it is not only the family that imposes rules on their behavior. As difficult as it is, it is important to allow children the opportunity to make mistakes, sometimes, so that they learn to accept the lessons that life will teach them from time to time.
- Instead of staying up late to help him with his homework, let him get a bad grade if he goes to school unprepared.
- Don't buy him a new toy right away if a younger child broke one of his on purpose. He will learn what it means to be responsible for something and what it feels like to lose it.
- Children need to learn to be respectful of others, so do not intervene if your child has not been invited to a party or event because he has behaved badly with his friends.
Step 3. Stay calm
Stress and frustration are common feelings in parents, but you are the most important person your child draws an example from for their behavior. If you react instinctively when he makes a mistake, he will also understand that it is acceptable to be reckless and impulsive. Babies are sponges that absorb even negative energies. Know that stress and anger consume them.
- It is best to get away from a difficult situation and find time to calm down. By postponing a punishment, you will have the opportunity to think wisely about what kind of disciplinary action to take and give your child time to think about what he or she has done. Make it clear to him that you need to calm down and that you will discuss the matter as soon as you feel ready.
- Let go of the idea that your child is deliberately trying to make you angry and remember that growing up is often difficult and disheartening!
- Resist the temptation to be sarcastic, threaten, or criticize. It will only annoy him more, and this kind of attitude could affect his self-esteem over time.
- Explain clearly how their behavior affects you and why their actions hurt or anger you.
- Look out for typical signs of fight-or-flight reactions, such as heart palpitations, sweaty hands, and shaking. They can occur when you feel angry, annoyed, or hurt.
- Practice different relaxation techniques and find the one that best suits your needs. Deep breathing, long walks, meditation, and a relaxing bath are great ways to calm down. Some people find cleaning, exercising, and reading are other excellent ways to calm down.
Step 4. Pause activities if necessary
Time-out is a great way to give children and parents time to calm down after a troubled situation. Choose an area that's quiet and free of distractions, but not necessarily out of sight. Invite your child to take the time to think about some possible solution to the problem that led to the interruption of what they were doing.
- Do not use this system to humiliate or punish him.
- With young children, especially if they are under the age of 3, use a mat they can reflect on so you can keep an eye on them. Also, you can take it with you and use it when you are not at home.
- The suspension from activities should last no more than one minute per year of age if your child is under 10, and 10 to 20 minutes if he is over 10. You could also tell him to go to his room to reflect, to as long as he has no distractions (computer, telephone, television or video games).
Step 5. Revoke a privilege or use of a toy
Do this immediately after he is wrong, so that he understands and connects bad behavior with punishment. Use this system to teach your child the natural and logical consequences of misbehavior by associating it with a ban on using a toy or enjoying a privilege.
- Objects, such as toys, work best if the child is small, while if he is older, he will learn more effectively when faced with the possibility of losing a privilege or freedom that was granted to him.
- Do not give up or finish the punishment sooner than expected, or the next time he will know he can handle the situation.
- Among the privileges you can revoke him consider: watching television, playing computer or video games, playing with friends, going to the park and parties or using the scooter, if he is already a teenager.
Step 6. Avoid physical punishment
In many countries they are punished by law. They can negatively affect the parent-child relationship and risk compromising the child's regular social development. Most experts agree that although the use of hands has immediate effects on behavior, it does not actually teach the distinction between right and wrong. Instead of empowering the child to control their emotions, corporal punishment teaches them that physical violence is an acceptable reaction to anger and adverse situations.
- Corporal punishment can lead to aggressive behavior.
- There is no evidence that the use of hands on children is an effective means of discouraging misbehavior in the future.
- The negative effects of corporal punishment can accompany children into adulthood in the form of mental health problems and drug abuse.
Advice
- Consistency is the key to properly educating a child. Make sure everyone around him understands how and when he needs to be disciplined.
- Be firm. Don't let your child win it just because he has a tantrum.
- Be patient and remember that younger children especially do not have the ability to understand what they have done wrong or that their actions may be due to a sense of frustration.
