Everyone likes to be heard. There is nothing wrong with wanting to express your opinions or your state of mind to others. Expressing yourself, however, can become negative if you overdo it and start annoying people around you or when it causes embarrassment.
To be a good friend or a sociable person, you need to know how to listen. If you think that the art of conversation has taken control over your life, read this article, you will learn to recognize the signs and find tips on what to do. Start with the first step.
Steps
Method 1 of 2: Do you talk a lot? Find it out
Step 1. Evaluate your usual conversations
Let's say you just met a friend for lunch and you are worried that you have dominated the conversation… once again. Try to visualize your meeting honestly and objectively. This exercise will help you to clearly understand whether more or less of the people around you. Ask yourself questions, such as:
- "Who is it that honestly conducted most of the conversations?"
- "Has there been more talk about me or about my friend?"
- "How often or interrupted my friend?"
Step 2. Don't limit these “views” to your circle of friends
Think about when you talk to anyone. This includes your boss, your colleagues, your mother and the waiter, but not just them.
Step 3. Pay attention to how you normally start a conversation
Do you open the conversation by breaking in with a funny joke or story about your life and beliefs without being asked? Or ask someone to tell their story, experiences and observations? The conversation is based on a balance between both interlocutors, if you push too hard on your side you are putting the spotlight on yourself.
Step 4. Pay attention to the body language of your interlocutors
Do people roll their eyes when you start talking? Or maybe they tap their feet impatiently? Do they look away, look cold or distracted when you start pontificating about something? Or maybe they nod without interest, saying a few "Yes", "Mhm, Mhm" every now and then, hoping you will finish talking? Or worse, do they sometimes completely ignore you when you start one of your tirades, turning around and starting to talk to another person? One of the simplest signs to understand is that the other simply says "you talk too much" and goes away. All of these are signs that you know if you are boring people or frustrating them with your small talk. If many of these cues are present in your conversations, consider it a proven fact: you talk too much.
Step 5. Count as many times as you inadvertently talk more than you would like (you know that feeling)
Do you often find yourself providing information that you would not want to report? Embarrassing problems and confidences of yours or your friends? Or by chance you express a rude or offensive opinion about another person. Count how many times this happens during the conversations you have in a day.
Write down in a notebook as often as you do. It will help you remember all the times it happens to you
Method 2 of 2: Talk less, think more
Step 1. Fix the problem
When you have finished this self-analysis and have determined that you actually talk too much and want to solve this problem, you need to make changes in the way you talk. Don't think "I know, but I can't change". If you can learn how to do a lot of complicated things in everyday life (playing an instrument, playing video games, cooking, gardening, etc.) you can learn that too. This section will help you solve your problem with solutions.
Step 2. Make the effort to listen more and talk less
Listening shows people that you are interested in them and what they say. People are impressed with good listeners, because secretly anyone loves to talk about themselves. There is no subject that people care more about than talking about themselves. Remember, if you allow them to talk (ask open questions, don't interrupt, mimic their body language, and maintain eye contact), and ask lots of additional questions, people will think you're a great conversation partner even without you saying much. Some seem to think that it takes a lot of talk to be an exceptional interlocutor. Think of this concept in another way. If a guest eats more than half of the food that is on the table for the group, is he considered the best guest in your opinion? Hardly, much more likely, he is considered rude, selfish and ignorant of the most obvious social norms.
Step 3. Don't fill all the dead times
This rule is particularly true in group contexts. The pauses are sometimes used to allow people to think, they are also moments that give emphasis or gravity to the speech just made. Some people prefer to take a moment to think and formulate their answer accurately. Don't think about always breaking in at these moments, by doing so you bypass others and interrupt their flow of thought. If you try to plug all the holes, take up more space than what touches you, and others will think you are interrupting them. Wait five seconds, look around, and if no one seems to want to talk, ask a question, rather than express an opinion or make a statement. But above all, do not invade the discussion with a "funny" story, instead try to ask people how they think.
Step 4. Do not tell all the historical events and curiosities about the topic you are talking about
It might start to look like a college lecture. Instead, provide a brief summary or answer their question directly and try to understand if the other is really interested in learning more about what you are saying. If they really want to, they'll ask you more questions. If they don't want to, they may nod or send you non-verbal cues to let you know they're not interested.
Step 5. Remember that a good conversation is two-way traffic
If someone asks you a question (for example, “How did the holidays go”), after sharing your experiences and travels, be brief and get to the point. Then return the courtesy by asking the question backwards (for example "what about you? Are you planning some vacation for this year?" Or "Yes, but just talk about me. How was your week? How are wife and children? ")
Step 6. Don't name people nobody knows
If you are talking to someone who does not know that “Michele” is your neighbor, be sure to start the conversation with, “My neighbor Michele” or follow the explanation with the sentence you just said. Naming people you don't know is frustrating for those who listen to you and makes your interlocutors feel ignorant or out of the loop, or that you are simply acting out.
Step 7. Slow down
It is impossible not to underline this concept. The number of interlocutors who behave like bulls in the arena is increasingly on the rise, probably fueled by the rapid technological world in which we find ourselves immersed. Sometimes people are just too excited and give life to endless monologues. They are so focused on what they have to say, they forget that you need two people to have a conversation. This is very selfish. Sometimes a mental note is enough to calm down.
- Take a deep breath and recover for a moment before breaking in with your awesome new news.
- Basically, before you speak, think. In a way that may seem absurd to you, your story will have more impact if you take the time to think about what you need to say.
Step 8. If you can't learn anything, at least learn not to interrupt people
Interrupting people is a selfish, silly and largely justified habit that affects the majority of the population of this planet. Too many people have gotten used to this selfish way of conducting a conversation. Nowadays it is normal to be interrupted by someone before being able to finish a sentence, only to have to listen to another of the interlocutors who breaks in with a personal story, a thought or a comment in an incessant way. This practice just says "I'm not interested enough in what you say, and that's why I say something, something that I consider much more interesting." This violates the basic rule of human relationships, called respect. The next time you have a conversation, no matter what it is, try to "listen" above all. Expressing your opinion is fine, but not if you do it at the expense of someone else's feelings. Listen, it's a perfect way to become a "good listener."
Step 9. Try to understand the underlying cause
Ask yourself why you talk so much. Do you only have a few opportunities to be heard? Were you ignored when you were little? Do you feel inadequate? Do you feel lonely because you've been holed up in the house all day? Have you consumed too much caffeine? Or the fact that during the day you have to do a lot of things and you have little time forced you to adapt by speeding up the way you speak? The effect that such an interlocutor tends to have leads him to empty the energy of others, overwhelming and exhausting them until they seek a polite way to interrupt the conversation. If you find yourself talking too much, take a moment to talk to yourself. Take a deep breath and remember that you can "reset" your habits if you speak slower and work on them.
Step 10. Learn to express yourself better in a pleasant way
It will help you. If you like to tell stories, learning how to do it means staying on the subject, making them pleasant and adapting them to capture the interest of the interlocutor.
- The key is to be concise. If you can put it in a nutshell, you are more likely to make someone smile or entertain them.
- Review some of your best stories. Take theater classes. Give yourself the attention you are desperately looking for in other people by participating in talent shows or events open to everyone. If you are funny enough, people will think less about you talking a lot and you will involve shy people who prefer someone else to dominate the conversation.
Advice
- When greeting someone (a colleague at the end of the day, a friend after the weekend, someone you have a date with) be sure to ask the normal “How's it going? How was your day?" before bringing the conversation to a specific topic. Don't just answer their questions and move on to other topics without knowing how they are doing first. These greetings are a kind of verbal hug, and they let people know that you are willing to talk to them. There is a lot of time to tell your stories, there is no need to rush.
- Don't be afraid to apologize if someone openly or subtly tells you that you are talking too much. This is a perfect opportunity to learn how to lose this habit, shut your mouth and open your ears.
- If you find yourself talking too much, don't be afraid to stop and say “Oops, I'm sorry. I'm talking too much. What were you saying about that fact? " Being honest about your problems increases empathy with others and shows them that you are aware of it.
- Giving up a bad habit is difficult and takes time. Don't be discouraged. Ask a good friend to help you. It doesn't hurt to have someone following you.
- Pay attention to your plate and compare it with that of others while you are having lunch. If the people at the table are eating at a moderate speed but their plate is emptier than yours, you may have spent too much time talking.
- Make an effort to become an active listener, ask appropriate questions, and / or pay attention to others' answers more often.
- Ask a trusted person to give you a signal chosen between the two of you to let you know that you are talking too much. Real-time interventions help you through the correction.
- If you are a woman, be careful of anyone who tells you that you talk too much. If no other friend makes such a comment to you but it is only men who point it out to you, you are probably convinced that there must be an equal interaction with men. Conversations between people of the same sex usually take place at 50% per side, except when one of the two participants is shy or talks too much, that is, when he takes more than 2/3 of the conversation. However, in interactions between different sexes, the man expects to be heard for 2/3, while the woman does not feel comfortable if she goes beyond 1/3 of the conversation. You can verify this by transcribing your conversations and deciding what to do. You can change your behavior or you can ask friends and family to change theirs.
Warnings
Don't think you have to stop talking to make up for what you've done so far. Talking is the most logical and important form of human interaction, and a well-balanced conversation is the sign that distinguishes every person in the hand. Just remember that you have to talk “less” and give less weight to what happens to you, understanding that everyone has the right and the desire to speak during a conversation. Share the action space and everything will be fine. Don't go beyond 2/3 of the conversation unless you are literally teaching a lesson, otherwise you will make people feel uncomfortable.
