Don't you hate it when your parents put your back against the wall and force you to give in? Believe it or not, there is a way to avoid this and hold your position when you are questioned. This strategy is not so much about winning as it is about minimizing losses, but it should help you nonetheless.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Choosing the Right Time for Discussion
Step 1. Choose your battles
You shouldn't argue with your parents every time you disagree, if only because this approach makes it harder to win the argument about the things that really matter to you.
- Consider the pros and cons. If the subject matter is important to you, it pays to commit and risk the consequences of an argument with your parents. Otherwise, if you don't have much to gain, you'd better let it go.
- For example, if your mom hates it when you put the music on full blast, the only benefit you can get from a fight is being able to turn up the stereo volume slightly, maybe just for a short period of time. Also, you would just continue to have an attitude that she doesn't like and that can lead to more fights in the future.
- On the other hand, if your parents don't look favorably on your partner and don't like you spending your time with them, it may be worth fighting for your rights, because you have a lot to gain.
Step 2. Argue only in private
Making a scene in public would only embarrass your parents and lead them not to listen to what you have to say. Make sure you express your opinion at home or in another private place so they don't feel uncomfortable during the conversation.
- By starting to argue with your parents in public, they will consider you immature and you will not get off on the right foot.
- Some people feel very embarrassed when they think others are listening to them talking or are aware of their problems. This is not a good strategy to get your parents to listen to you. Grant them the courtesy of speaking privately.
Step 3. Choose a time when parents are in a good mood
People are more willing to listen to you and consider your opinion when they are happy. By starting an argument with your parents when they are already upset, they probably won't even listen to you or respond negatively.
- Increase your chances of success by starting the discussion when your parents are available to listen to you.
- You can even try to put them in a good mood by doing things you know will make them happy, like tidying up your room, doing homework, or spending time with them.
- Of course, you shouldn't start the discussion right after trying to improve your parents' mood. This approach would make your intentions too obvious and they would think the only reason you were kind is that you had an ulterior motive.
Step 4. Put yourself in your parents' shoes
Before starting the discussion, be sure to consider the situation from all angles. Try to think about their perspective so that you can predict what they will say. This way you can prepare your speech, as well as think objectively about their opinion.
- This approach can also help you figure out if you are unreasonable.
- Try to think about how you would feel if someone treated you the way you are treating your parents.
- There are always two versions of a story, and the best negotiators know they must consider both.
Part 2 of 3: Putting Your Strategy Into Practice
Step 1. Think about what you want to say
For example, if you are arguing with your parents about wanting to come home later, discuss the following topics:
- Include any situations where you have proven that you are responsible enough to deserve this permission (you never came back late in the past few months, you always finished your homework on time, you took care of the housework, etc.).
- Counter to existing concerns. For example, if you know your parents think you might get in trouble because you stay out longer, you might point out that they already know most of your friends and parents already, so they have nothing to fear.
- Point out the positives of extending the curfew. For example, you would be happier, so you would be happier at home, you would have the opportunity to better develop your friendships and you would learn to manage the responsibilities of an adult.
Step 2. Write down the main points of your speech
Before arguing with your parents, you need to be fully prepared. Take the time to think about what you want to say and write it down. You can take your notes with you during discussion or study them in advance so you don't forget any of the main topics.
Having a well-thought-out speech in mind will help lead the conversation with your parents and may even help you persuade them, as they will be positively impressed that you prepared so well
Step 3. Stay calm during the discussion
Whatever you do, don't lose your temper in an argument with your parents. This is a very immature attitude and it adds nothing to the goodness of your reasoning. Show them that you are able to argue with maturity, staying calm even if you don't get what you want.
Step 4. Wait for your parents to finish speaking
In an attack, the person who strikes second uses the principle of self-defense. The same goes for quarrels. Never speak first. Just wait calmly while they let off steam with you.
In some cases, you will get the impression that whatever you do your parents get more and more angry. This problem can be particularly difficult to solve, because you have no way to act without triggering a negative reaction. In this case, the best thing to do is sit still in silence, watch them, and do nothing until they have calmed down
Step 5. Recognize your parents' point of view
Start the discussion by saying "You are right". This shows that you understand their opinion and are not trying to change their beliefs or feelings.
- This helps your parents understand that you respect their opinion, but simply want to add your point of view to the discussion.
- Going back to the curfew example, you can say "I know you think it makes it easier for me to make bad decisions by staying out of the house longer."
Step 6. Ask your parents questions
Give them the opportunity to express their opinion, but then elaborate on the topic with questions. By doing so, they will understand that you have really listened to what they have to say and that you are really interested in solving the problem. However, you may also expose some weaknesses in their reasoning, which you can use to your advantage.
Try "What would you like to know?" or "Could you be more precise?". By narrowing the subject, you will limit your parents' scope
Step 7. Explain your point of view
After your parents tell you what concerns you need to resolve, simply state your explanation. Make sure you speak slowly and in a controlled manner, as this helps to ease the tension.
As for the curfew example, you could say something similar: "I would like to stay out longer, because it is important for me to have more time to spend with friends. Most everyone is allowed to come back later and you are. you know, as do their families, so this should make you feel less worried. I'd like to have more adult responsibilities in my life."
Step 8. Stay consistent with your side of the story
After sharing your point of view, whether it's the truth or not, make sure you don't change or modify your answers in the following questions. Consistency is the most important aspect of being credible. So, make sure you never change your version throughout the discussion.
If your parents think you want to come back later just because your friends are out drinking all night, tell your side of the story and don't change it
Step 9. Don't continue denying
If your parents think you are lying, you can't help it. However, don't enter a vicious circle where you just deny. Once you've told your side of the story, things won't change no matter how many times they ask you the question again.
Just say "This is it, you can accept it or not". This way your parents' options will be limited and you will be in control of the situation
Step 10. Tell your parents about your position
If they insist that you are lying, tell them that only they can choose whether to believe you or not and that you cannot do anything to convince them. After all, you wouldn't be in this situation if it weren't. You may also find it helpful to use the take-it-or-leave strategy described above again.
Try saying, "I can't help it if you don't believe me. However, I'm here and I'm trying to have a conversation with you. I think this proves my maturity. At this point you decide whether to believe me or not."
Part 3 of 3: Preventing Fighting in the Future
Step 1. Avoid behaviors that your parents don't like
If you keep arguing over the same things over and over, try to avoid them. We can't always get what we want, so in some cases it is necessary to make sacrifices to meet the people we love (or those we have to live with).
- Remember to choose your battles. If a problem isn't important to you, just change your attitude to make your parents happy. In the long run you will get some benefits.
- Sooner or later you will leave your parents' house and you will be able to make your choices in total freedom. However, until then, you should at least try to avoid making them angry.
Step 2. Show your parents how responsible you are
Make sure they notice any occasions when you act reliably. The more confident they are in your attitude, the less they will complain about the things you do.
- Tell your parents when you have finished your homework or when you have completed the housework. Get good grades in school and always text when you change plans so they don't worry.
- Your goal is to make your good deeds visible. Behaving yourself would be useless if your parents didn't realize it.
- However, make sure you don't appear to be bragging all the time, as this could have the opposite effect. Just point out when you take an action your parents are proud of.
Step 3. Do not reserve the silent treatment for your parents
Ignoring a person does not help resolve a conflict. This is a childish tactic used to manipulate others, and your parents would not appreciate it for that. It is always best to discuss problems calmly.
- Staying silent would only create a separation between you and your parents, and they may even come to resent you. It is always best to discuss with them openly.
- Ignoring your parents also makes you look like an immature child. This will not help you in fights.
Step 4. Be willing to compromise
One of the most important things you can do to avoid arguments is to show your parents that you are willing to negotiate. If you are uncompromising, they will consider you immature and believe that you are only interested in getting what you want.
- When your parents compromise, accept their terms, even if you are forced to give up some of what you wanted. You can also try to propose alternative solutions.
- For example, if your mom wants you to finish all the housework before going out with friends, offer to take care of half of the assignments now and promise to finish the other half the next day. This way, both of you will get what you want.
Advice
- Remember, your logic is not foolproof, as is that of your parents.
- Never respond with more information than you are asked for. Otherwise, you would just give your parents more weapons.
- Never lose your cool. This is not easy for some people, but it is a factor that has a huge influence on the outcome of an argument. Everyone will take you more seriously if you are able to speak calmly and confidently.
- Don't be afraid to lie. Present your version of the facts (even if it is a total fiction) as if you were giving a presentation or a scientific report.
- Be sure of yourself. Don't feel cornered like it's the end of the world, but also avoid holding your chest out. Behave naturally and your parents will feel like they can't win.
- Remember that this is your parents and not a kid at school that you can offend or ignore. They deserve your respect as well as you deserve theirs.
