Whether it's your best friend, co-worker, or classmate, dealing with someone who seems to be a little too dependent on you can be frustrating and annoying. Not only is this relationship unhealthy for you, it doesn't do your friend any favors either. How to make him stop being your shadow and encourage him to become more independent?
Steps
Step 1. See if this friend of yours really depends a little too much on you
Here are some pointers to figure it out:
- In various social contexts, you have noticed that he prefers to always be with you. You go to a party together, but at some point you realize that he doesn't socialize with others. As if that weren't enough, he talks to you all night long and intrudes on your every single conversation. Another example: whenever you go out, they always expect to be invited (even if you just want to go for a drink with your co-workers).
- When he has to make a decision, he first wants to know what you think, and your opinions have a strong hold on him. For example, you are called to report every single morning because you don't know whether to wear a blue sweater or a brown t-shirt. In this case, he may have difficulty making autonomous choices, perhaps he has got into the habit of relying too much on your opinion and your intervention.
- Your friend prefers to spend time with you instead of cultivating a romantic relationship. Did she turn down dates or other gallant events just to go out with you? Does he constantly need your approval and / or advice on his love affairs?
- It seems to you that this friendship takes an enormous amount of time every day. From endless phone calls to daily visits after work, you get the feeling that this friend is always with you. You have a hard time finding time to see other friends, or even your family.
Step 2. Change the dynamics of the relationship by modifying your interactions
Maybe the old plans are out of date and are turning the relationship into a codependent bond.
- Plan your schedule yourself and encourage your friend to hang out with other people. If you are inseparable, it is time to turn around and hang out with other people. Make an appointment with a colleague you've been inviting for lunch for months, and then suggest that your friend catch up with an old friendship or meet new people at work (these are just examples).
- Change your agenda. If you go out every Friday night, offer a Sunday lunch instead. Does it put pressure on you because you don't plan on going out every Friday night? Ask him if there is anyone in his party that he'd like to do something fun with for a long time, but the right opportunity has never presented itself. Suggest that they invite this person for a drink when you can't.
Step 3. Change your language
If you've noticed that you too often use plural phrases (“we do”, “we go”, etc.), create a verbal separation by talking about what you want to do on the weekend. Ask him what his plans are. Continue on this path: instead of talking about what you will do, set a distance and make it clear that you do not consider it an integral part of all your social programs.
Step 4. Try to have more business or personal commitments
Without sounding rude, explain to your friend that you've had a hell of a week at the office, or are planning several appointments the next. Your friend needs to find something else to do or someone else to hang out with when you're into something else.
- Make real appointments and check commitments off your to-do list. Don't lie - actually run annoying errands. Not only will you help your friend find some extra independence, you will get rid of overwhelming commitments.
- Don't completely avoid your friend, but you undoubtedly don't always have to be traceable. Answer her calls, but don't spend too much time on the phone. Be polite and friendly, never rude or unfriendly, to let him know your position. Either way, it must be clear that you are busy. Sometimes, don't reply, let me send you a message.
- Over the course of the week, you may only take a few days off from friendship. You don't have to change everything overnight. Don't suddenly stop having time for your friend, without showing up for months on end. Plan a vacation with your family - it's an unbeatable excuse!
Step 5. Make specific plans with your friend on a sporadic basis
If he's used to a fixed schedule, and that means you see each other most days without having to make any actual appointments, talk to him to plan an evening together.
- Your friend must understand that your schedule is busy, but you would still like (for example) to have lunch or dinner with him on Saturday night. Make it clear that the proposed date is the only time you can meet, and make sure he can see you that day and time.
- Always show up when you have a date with your friend. For example, don't suddenly download it, don't delete it, don't postpone it, and don't forget about it. Unless you prefer to completely end the friendship (and indeed that may be your goal), stick to your plans and don't make fun of him.
- Find new experiences to try with your friend. If your friendship has always been based on club rides or movie nights, change your typical dates. For example, go ice skating or go hiking. If you move away from the comfort zone, maybe the relationship can benefit and get a breath of fresh air.
Step 6. Learn to say no
No is a powerful word, but sometimes difficult to say, especially when it comes to a loved one. However, a friend who is unable to understand why you are unwilling to do something or spend every single minute of your free time with him cannot be defined as such. An emotionally draining friendship is not a fulfilling life experience. As a result, refusing allows you to have more space and do what you have to do without always being with him. It is an essential step in eradicating this addiction and this nagging need to be with you.
- Don't flinch and rush to her rescue as soon as she tells you she's in crisis (and you know she isn't). Some codependent people use this simple strategy to keep others from drifting away. You need to communicate clearly with your friend. Explain that his inability to plan, be more organized, or plan ahead is not a valid reason to turn his problems into an emergency. It's not fair to force yourself to drop everything to run to him. Many times, better not to react: you will see that you will do him a favor.
- Do you find it difficult to say no to people in need of affection? Do you always find yourself dealing with these kinds of individuals? Try to understand if you yourself have problems with codependency; maybe you are insecure and need to feel needed. If you do not face this difficulty, you will continue to believe that you are not adequate or deserve good friends.
Step 7. Determine if you should save this friendship
Do you waste too much time trying to help your friend live independently? Do you feel exhausted and / or depressed after each date with him? If this relationship has turned toxic, it is time to cut ties. Consider your answers to the following questions:
- Do you feel downcast or depressed in the company of this friend? If this person sees everything black and is perpetually pessimistic, it is the right time to suggest the path of psychotherapy. Your friend may be using you subconsciously as a psychotherapist, and instead he should be looking for a real one, who can seriously help him.
- Is this relationship one-sided? Every time you finish talking to him do you realize that you are his sounding board? Does he call you to tell you everything that goes through his head and then closes because he doesn't seem willing to continue with the dialogue? If the relationship apparently focuses solely and exclusively on his problems and doubts, it has become completely one-sided, and probably not a genuine friendship.
- Does your friend never seem happy or satisfied? In this case, he always asks you for suggestions or advice, but it seems that he cannot find peace or resolve his conflicts. You get the impression that you wallow in stress and complaints, and don't lift a finger to fix it.
- Does your friend reserve time for you when you face tough times or need a shoulder to cry on?
Advice
- Remember that your friend's addiction has nothing to do with you, and it's a problem he has to work on himself first.
- When you are with him, he manifests independent characteristics and / or actions. Maybe he will indirectly understand your point of view and grasp what you want to convey to him.
- Try introducing him to people he might have something in common with. In this way, you shake off the exclusive attention he gives you and allow him to expand his horizons.
