Are you in pain because you lost a friend, broke up with your partner, got stabbed in the back, or went through another painful experience? Whatever the cause and regardless of the impact it had, you have to accept the reality: pain is part of life. Fortunately, with the passage of time, things can only improve. Here's how to help you heal from suffering and start living well again.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Making Positive Changes
Step 1. Acknowledge and accept what has hurt you
Define the pain and label it for what it is, rather than letting it define you. When something unexpected happens in your life or something that falls short of your expectations, it can be difficult to accept it. It can be so painful that you can't even bear it. However, you have to acknowledge the pain to move on.
- Defining pain will allow you to separate negative emotions from your identity. The emotions you feel are plausible, but they don't make you a bad person or a failure.
- For example, if you've been cheated on by your partner, it's not fair or healthy to blame yourself for her disrespect. You can feel humiliated and rejected, but don't let negative emotions lead you to take responsibility for another person's wrong.
Step 2. Learn to control your emotions
However much you suffer, you can still exercise control. Emotions are fundamental for a human being, as they allow you to have feelings for yourself and for others. However, they also have the power to take over their own life. You can learn to control them by trying different strategies.
- Taking concrete actions helps to control one's emotional reactions. If you contribute positively to solving the problem, the steering wheel will not be challenged by your emotions, but by your operation.
- Focusing your attention elsewhere can also help control your emotions. Try to distract yourself from the negativity until you can get a different perspective. Go to the gym. Call a dear friend. Go shopping or other errands. It's harder to get depressed when you're active.
Step 3. Give yourself the chance to suffer
If you really have to cry or feel sorry for something, go ahead and do it. However, set limits for yourself by concretely establishing how long you will leave control in the hands of emotions. Take a day or two (or longer, depending on the situation), then return to normal living.
Step 4. Look for emotional closure
Just as a relationship or event has a beginning, it usually also has an end, be it natural or created through emotional closure. First of all, work out some sort of ritual: this way you will know exactly what to do and for how long.
- You may achieve emotional closure by confronting the person who hurt you and trying to forgive them. If you go this route, don't blame her; just express how you feel and explain what you intend to do to move on. You might say, “What you did hurt me deeply, I need space to decide if I want to continue the relationship or not. I will contact you after making a decision”.
- Another possible strategy could be to simply return the things that belong to this person and say goodbye forever. Take your time to reach your goal, but not long enough to drag it out for too long.
Step 5. Don't live in the past
Recognize the cause of the pain you feel and keep in mind that once it has passed, you will no longer have the obligation to feel sad. Do not let this situation become an integral part of your identity - it is simply a bad experience. Accepted the reality of the facts and tried to find an emotional closure, the next step is to move on. This means controlling your thoughts, so that you are not constantly brooding over what has happened.
- Do something concrete to avoid brooding, otherwise you risk falling and falling back into this trap, blaming yourself for what happened or not foreseeing it. This way of thinking can cause a state of depression.
- You can avoid brooding by promising yourself that this will never happen to you again. You can also think of tactics to get over the situation so that you won't be affected by it again in the future. Think of different ways to improve your current situation or make a list of the lessons you have learned from this experience. If you roll up your sleeves after a negative event, you put yourself in a position to move on.
Part 2 of 3: Practice Positive Thinking
Step 1. Enjoy the good things in life
Regardless of what happened, remember that you are not wrong: you are not wrong. The situation may have temporarily changed your way of thinking, but it doesn't change the fact that there are still good things in your life.
Find moments every day to share with those friends who make you feel good. Rediscover activities that you are passionate about and recognize all the positive things happening in your life. Start writing a gratitude journal that focuses on things going right. Over time, you may find that you have so much to be happy and grateful for
Step 2. Get rid of the negativity
Think positive. Understand that filling your head with negative words will only harm your life in general. If you find that you have pessimistic thoughts, block them immediately, make an effort to counter them and turn them into positive or concrete sentences.
- For example, counter a negative thought such as "I will never meet good, upright people who will not try to manipulate me" by thinking of a person you know who has shown you kindness or trustworthiness. Identified at least one person who falls into this positive category, you have countered and canceled the previous negative statement.
- Instead, send love and light to those who have hurt you. Learn to forgive and move on - it is wrong to let people undeserving of your affection take up space in your heart. It is liberating to know that a person who has wronged you in the past no longer has any power over you. Getting rid of anger certainly does not justify what happened, it only opens the door to greater positivity in your life.
Step 3. Surround yourself with positive and happy people
Family members, friends, someone special, and many others can help you regain faith in humanity after a disappointment. Be inspired by them to heal and gradually turn your back on suffering.
- Look for friends you can talk to and maybe turn suffering into a testimony to share with others. You can use what happened to warn other people to avoid having the same problem.
- You can address a loved one by saying, for example, “Hey, Sara, can we talk? I wanted to tell you something that happened to me… ". At this point, share the story. Ask for support by saying phrases like: "Right now a hug would do me really good."
Part 3 of 3: Learning to Rebuild
Step 1. Take your responsibilities
If you are partially responsible for what happened, you have the opportunity to become stronger and grow through this experience. This doesn't mean you should blame yourself for everything that happened or bury yourself in shame. Instead, honestly consider any mistakes you made or lessons you may have learned from this experience. Every situation gives the opportunity to grow and learn, even love sickness or betrayal.
It can be liberating to know what you will change from now on to prevent the problem from happening again, and it can also be a vital step in moving on. This allows you to take control of the situation and stop letting others have power over you
Step 2. Share your story
Sometimes being able to talk about it counteracts the pain. Give yourself the time and the freedom to cry, laugh, and tell the stories you need to share. Speaking about your experiences with your friends, all of a sudden seemingly unsolvable things may seem less negative to you.
- When you are sad or in pain, you shouldn't hide it from the people around you. If you hide your emotions, you give the impression that they are something wrong or reprehensible, when instead you should face them and leave them behind.
- When you are with a friend, take heart and talk about your suffering by saying: “For a long time I have wanted to tell you what happened to me. You may not know it, but for me you have been a great source of support…”.
- You can also join a self-help group for people who have had similar experiences to yours and share your story with them.
Step 3. Take care of yourself
If you feel physically or mentally ill, you will be overwhelmed by events even deeper. In the early days, you may need to force yourself to remember to eat, sleep regularly, or exercise. Make an effort to feel better by taking care of yourself.
- If you reserve special care day after day, suffering will be replaced by love for yourself, which is one of the greatest forms of love you will ever experience.
- Commit to eating in a healthy and balanced way, train for at least 30 minutes a day, sleep at least seven hours a night. It may also help to engage in relaxing and stress-relieving activities, such as reading a book or playing with your dog.
Step 4. Define personal boundaries in the future
Come up with a plan on how to move on and avoid having the same problem on other occasions, then try to stick with it. Write a list of basic, non-negotiable needs on which to build your future relationships. It's up to you to be assertive and communicate to others what you expect from a friendship or relationship.
- This list can give you guidelines for the types of interaction you want to have with others. If at some point you feel that your needs are not being met, you can address the problem before you start to suffer again or be the victim of other betrayals.
- You can define guidelines such as: avoid having relationships with people who push you to compromise with your values, avoid dealing with people who abuse drugs or are involved in criminal activity, avoid unnecessary effort within of a one-sided relationship.
