Anger is a natural human emotion, and it doesn't always have negative connotations. It can help you when you have been hurt or when you need to change a situation. It is important to learn how to deal with and react to anger. Frequent feelings of anger have been linked to increased risks of heart disease, high blood pressure, depression, and difficulty sleeping. The risks increase especially if you suffer from particularly explosive anger episodes, or if you suppress your anger excessively. Thankfully, you can learn to understand, process, and vent anger in healthy ways.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Releasing Anger Productively
Step 1. Exercise
When you feel angry, doing moderate intensity physical activity can help you. A University of Georgia study suggests that medium-intensity physical activity (such as running or biking) during or shortly after an experience that can cause anger can help you manage it. When you exercise, your body releases endorphins, which are chemicals that can improve mood and make you feel more positive and happy. If you can't go running or biking, consider walking, stretching, and other simpler forms of training.
- Physical activity can also have a preventive effect. A Yale University study suggests that prolonged running sessions before a troubling experience can dampen the violence of the emotional reaction.
- Even if you don't have time for a proper workout when you feel anger, try to find times to exercise. Step away from the situation that makes you angry, if possible, and shake your limbs vigorously. Even a little physical distraction can make you feel better.
Step 2. Practice controlled breathing
Breathing deeply from the diaphragm (the large muscle at the base of the lungs that helps with breathing) can help relieve anger. Deep, controlled breathing slows the heart rate, stabilizes pressure and relaxes the body. Combine the breathing exercises with a mantra, or a calming word or phrase for added benefit.
- Find a quiet place to relax. Get comfortable. Lie down if you want, and loosen any clothes that are too tight or uncomfortable.
- Put a hand on your abdomen.
- Inhale slowly through the nose. Focus on filling your belly with air as you inhale. Let the abdomen relax when you inhale; you should be able to feel your belly expand. Hold your breath for a few seconds.
- Slowly exhale from your mouth. Contract your abdominal muscles to push all the air out of your lungs.
- Repeat at least 10 times.
- If you can't practice deep breathing right, buy a bottle of baby soap bubbles from a toy store. Hold the bubble tool in front of your face and slowly blow into it. Concentrate on exhaling from the lower abdomen, pushing the air up and out. A steady, even breath will produce a stream of bubbles. If the bubbles burst or do not arise, modify your breathing until you can.
Step 3. Practice progressive muscle relaxation
This technique requires you to focus on tensing and relaxing individual muscle groups in your body to distract yourself from anger. It is also excellent for relieving anxiety and tension, which in turn can reduce anger. This technique also helps you fall asleep when you can't control your thoughts.
- Get to a quiet, comfortable place, if possible, and sit down.
- Focus on a particular muscle group, such as the muscles in one hand. Breathing in deeply and slowly, squeeze the muscles in that area as hard as possible and hold the tension for 5 seconds. Clench your hand into a fist, for example, to contract the muscles in that area. Focus on one muscle group and try not to accidentally stretch adjacent muscles.
- Exhale and quickly release the tension of the newly tense muscle group. Focus on feeling the tension leaving the muscles. Relax for about 15 seconds, then switch to another muscle group.
- Other muscle groups you can try to stretch and relax are the foot, lower leg, thighs, buttocks, abdomen, chest, neck and shoulders, mouth, eyes, and forehead.
- You can also start at the feet and work your way up into the rest of your body, straining each muscle group at a time. When you release a group, imagine the anger leaving the body and making way for relaxation.
Step 4. Perform an anger release ceremony
Activities that require concentration can help you channel the energies of anger into a productive expression that allows you to overcome the immediate feeling of anger. Research has shown that anger can even temporarily stimulate inventiveness and creative thinking. Use your imagination and release anger in a conscious, controlled and creative way.
- For example, find a private place where you can move your body and imagine that you literally shake off anger like a dog shaking after a bath.
- Another example would be writing angry thoughts on a sheet of paper and slowly tearing it up, imagining that you are destroying the anger as well.
- If you have an artistic streak, try drawing or painting something that expresses what you feel. Focus on pushing the feelings out of your person and transferring them into the work.
Step 5. Use a stress control toy
A toy such as a stress ball can help you in the short-term management of anger. By causing you to contract and release a muscle group, stress balls can help you enjoy the benefits of progressive muscle relaxation instantly. However, these are temporary solutions that should be combined with other techniques to achieve better long-term results.
It is much better to use a stress ball than to release anger by punching, kicking or throwing objects. Explosive actions like these can cause harm or hurt someone, and often only add to anger
Step 6. Find something funny or silly
Silly humor can actually help defuse anger. A common root of feelings of anger is the feeling that all your ideas about a situation or experience are correct and that things always go as you expect them to. Using humor to approach and deconstruct these ideas can help calm you down and manage anger.
- The American Psychological Association, for example, advises, when you happen to call someone with an offensive term, to imagine it literally. So if you're so mad at your boss that you call him a "clown," imagine what your boss would look like if he were literally a clown, complete with suit and briefcase. This type of humor can release tension.
- Watching funny or cute videos on the internet can also improve your mood. Humans are genetically programmed to consider things as adorable as big-eyed puppies and chubby little babies, and seeing these things stimulates chemical reactions of happiness.
- Avoid sarcasm or cruel humor, as this type of humor will make your anger worse and can hurt others.
Step 7. Listen to relaxing music
Listening to music can be an excellent distraction technique that can help you vent your anger. However, it is important to listen to relaxing music. If you're already feeling angry, aggressive beats or angry lyrics can, in fact, intensify your negative emotions.
Find quiet, relaxing music to help relieve anger. Part of what makes you feel so "agitated" when you feel anger is that your body has entered a "fight or flight" arousal state. The British Academy of Sound Therapy has created a playlist of songs deemed "relaxing" by scientific studies, which contains songs by Marconi Union ("Weightless"), Airstream ("Electra") and Enya ("Watermark")
Step 8. Repeat affirmations that can calm you down
Find a statement that has meaning to you, and try to focus on the words as you repeat them. You can even use multiple phrases. Here are some phrases to try:
- "This situation is only temporary".
- "I can get through this episode."
- "I won't like it, but it's not the end of the world."
- "I'll stay calm."
- "It's not worth getting angry about this."
Method 2 of 3: Control and Prevent Anger
Step 1. Develop an "anger plan"
Since it can be very difficult to find ways to reduce anger, try to decide in advance a plan that can help calm you down when you are feeling anger. Having a plan in mind will help you manage anger productively.
- For example, you might decide to ask for a "time out" if you feel anger build up, telling the other person that you feel upset and need a break.
- If you're having a conversation that makes you angry, for example about a sensitive subject like politics or religion, make an effort to change the subject to something more neutral and enjoyable.
Step 2. Restructure your thinking
Cognitive restructuring can help you rarely feel anger. This emotion often leads to exaggerating your reaction to events and experiences and can cause you to lose control. Changing the way you think about experiences and goals can help you avoid anger and better manage it when you experience it.
- Avoid extreme words like "never" or "always". A side effect of anger is confusing memories of other experiences, increasing frustration. Words spoken in these situations can hurt others and make them defensive, instead of inviting them to cooperate. Instead of saying phrases like "I'm always such an idiot" or "You never remember the important things", focus on the current episode. You may find it helpful to verbally state what happened aloud, such as "I forgot my cell phone at home" or "You forgot our dinner plans," to help you get things right.
- Keep a rational approach. Of course it's not that easy, but remember that the negative experience that drives you to anger won't be the only experience you will have in the day. Remember that irritation, as extreme as it may seem, is only temporary - this will help you get over your anger sooner.
Step 3. Approach situations with flexibility
It is easy to assume that your first impression of a situation or experience is the "right" one, and it can be very difficult to give up on the idea that there is objective truth in every situation. Being more flexible will help you react with less anger.
For example, if someone walks past you in the line at the supermarket, you might assume that they don't care about you and that they are rude, and this idea can lead to anger. While it might be true, it's not productive thinking. Having a more flexible thinking, for example imagining that the other person has not seen you or may have problems that are stressing them, will help you to pass the anger
Step 4. Learn to be assertive
Developing an assertive communication style can help you feel more in control of your life and experience less anxiety and anger. Assertive communication does not involve being arrogant or selfish; it means expressing your thoughts, feelings and needs clearly and calmly to other people in an honest and open way. If you don't tell other people honestly about your needs, they may not be able to meet them, and this can cause you to feel anger, depression, and make you feel unappreciated.
- Use first-person statements like "I'm confused about what you just said" or "I wish you were on time when we go to the movies together."
- Avoid insults, threats and attacks on the other person.
- Use cooperative statements and invite other people to give their opinion.
- Be as direct and clear as possible about your wants and needs. If you've been invited to a party you don't want to attend, don't say something like "Well, if I have to, I'll go." Instead, state clearly but politely that you don't want to go: "I'd rather not go to that party."
Step 5. Try meditation
Meditation not only reduces anxiety and relieves depression, it also helps you stay calm during potentially upsetting experiences. A recent study from Harvard University has shown that meditation has a positive effect on brain functions, especially when it comes to processing emotions. The study looked at two forms of meditation: "mindful" meditation and "compassionate" meditation. While both reduced the participants' feelings of anxiety and anger, compassionate meditation was even more effective than the other.
- Mindfulness meditation involves being fully present in the moment and being aware and accepting your body's experiences. This type of meditation is similar to the meditation you can try in yoga classes.
- Compassionate meditation is based on a series of lo-jong, or Tibetan Buddhist practices, and focuses on developing your feelings of love and compassion for others. This type of meditation may require learning specific instructions before you can conduct it on your own.
Step 6. Get enough sleep
Sleep deprivation can cause a lot of damage to your body, including generating physical stress and increasing the risk of developing a mood disorder such as depression or anxiety. Little or poor sleep can also cause irritability, mood swings, and a tendency to feel anger more often than usual.
Sleep experts advise adults to sleep on average at least 7-8 hours per night, although you may need to sleep more to feel rested according to your personal needs
Step 7. Share your experiences with the person who made you angry
When you've gotten over your anger, sharing feelings and experiences with the person who caused your emotional state can help you. For example, if someone hurt you by ignoring you at a party, talk to them calmly and explain why you felt hurt to help them understand how their behavior impacted you. You may also feel more in control of the situation.
It is very important to wait until the anger is over before talking to the other person. If you approach her when you still feel anger, it will likely only make the situation worse and could cause harm. Always use non-violent communication when interacting with other people
Step 8. Make an appointment with a psychologist
A psychologist can help you process the underlying feelings and reasons for your anger. This is especially helpful if your feelings and their causes are not clear to you. Cognitive therapy, in which the psychologist teaches you how to think differently, can be particularly useful for managing anger.
Method 3 of 3: Understanding Your Anger
Step 1. Learn to recognize anger that creates problems
Most people get mildly angry, a few times a week. In some cases, it is perfectly normal to feel angry, for example if someone has insulted or hurt you. However, you should learn to recognize the signs that your anger has trespassed into the category of "problems".
- Do you often yell, yell, or swear when you are angry? Do you verbally abuse others?
- Does your anger often lead you to physical aggression? How serious is the expression of this aggression? Less than 10% of normal episodes of anger involve physical assault, so if this happens often to you it could be a symptom of a more serious problem.
- Do you feel the need to heal yourself when you feel anger, for example with drugs, alcohol or food?
- Does your anger seem to have a negative impact on your personal relationships, your job, or your overall health? Have other people expressed their concern in this regard?
Step 2. Learn to read your body
Anger can cause many physical symptoms, particularly in women, who have often been indoctrinated by social and cultural pressure to avoid expressing anger and hostility openly. Feelings of physical tension, body aches, rapid breathing, feeling of impatience and headache are all symptoms that can be linked to anger. Knowing when you are feeling really angry can help you process your feelings.
Anxiety, depression, and insomnia can also be linked to anger
Step 3. Examine ways to handle your family's anger
How your parents and other family members have expressed anger in the past has a significant influence on how you handle this emotion. How did your family members express their anger when you were little? Did your parents do it openly, or were they repressing that emotion?
Step 4. Write an anger diary
One way to get more in tune with your feelings and understand why you feel anger is to write down the details of your emotions. Reflect not only on what happened during an event or experience, but also on your reaction and the thoughts that led you to those actions. Try not to judge your emotions as you write. Express them so that you can become aware of what you were feeling. Awareness is the key first step in accepting and overcoming anger. Ask yourself the following questions for each episode you are writing about:
- What triggered your anger or stress? Were you already feeling stressed before the accident?
- What did you think during that experience?
- On a scale of 0 to 100, how much anger did you feel?
- Did you let off steam with other people or did you internalize your anger?
- Have you noticed any physical symptoms, such as a rapid heartbeat or headache?
- What reaction would you have liked to have? Did you want to scream, hit someone or break something? What reaction did you actually get?
- How did you feel at the end of the episode?
Step 5. Learn to recognize your triggers
Anger, in particular, is often triggered in people by specific thoughts or episodes. You can use your journal to spot repeating patterns and figure out what makes you angry most often. Triggers roughly fall into two main categories: feeling that you are in danger or harmed, and feeling that you have been really disadvantaged in some way.
- A very common trigger thought is that someone has done something you didn't expect them to do (or vice versa). For example, if you organized a dinner with a friend and he didn't show up, you might feel angry that he didn't do what you expected.
- Another common trigger is the feeling that something is hurting you, even in a very general way. When someone cuts your way in traffic, having computer problems, or having a phone that often goes off the line, they can create a concern of being damaged. This worry can lead to anger.
- The feeling of not having achieved a personal goal can also provoke anger, in this case directed at yourself.
- The feeling of being exploited or that people are not helping or caring about you is also a common trigger, especially at work and in romantic relationships.
Advice
- Using anger-venting strategies is a good place to start in excited situations, but make sure you also do the emotional work of examining and processing your anger. This will help you feel less anger.
- If you can, avoid situations that you know are likely to trigger your anger. For example, if you have strong political or religious beliefs, try not to converse with someone who might make you feel attacked or angry.
- It's often a good idea to meet with a psychologist, even if you don't get angry enough to punch the wall. Many people believe they must have insurmountable problems before seeking help from a psychologist, but a professional can be very helpful in prevention!
- Check if there are any groups dedicated to anger control in your area. When used in conjunction with the techniques outlined in this article, these programs can help you feel less anger and react with more control.
- If you have to punch something, use a pillow.
Warnings
- Do not react with aggressive actions such as kicks, punches, or throwing objects to vent anger. It may seem like these actions help, but research has shown that they only further increase anger.
- If you find yourself often blurting out at other people or with yourself when you feel anger, or if you often cure your emotion with drugs or alcohol yourself, seek help from a mental health professional. It is important to get help before you hurt yourself or others.
