Do you have a tendency to express yourself by yelling when you are angry? If this is the case, you've probably noticed that that habit ruins your relationship with others and probably doesn't even help make you listen or feel better. Change the way you communicate when you get angry, first of all by learning to vent your emotions appropriately. Then, start from scratch and express your needs calmly and rationally. Once you get over the anger of the moment, look for ways to better deal with it in the long run.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Take a Break
Step 1. Stop mid-speech if you notice that you are screaming
The moment you realize that you are raising your voice, pause, without even finishing the sentence. Think, "What am I trying to say? What's the best way to say it?"
By learning to stop before you scream or immediately after you start, you will avoid saying something that you will regret or that can jeopardize the relationship
Step 2. Breathe deeply to relieve anger
Deep breathing helps you relax, so after a few breaths you will feel calmer and more in control. Inhale a few times through your nose for a few seconds, hold your breath, then exhale through your mouth for a few seconds. Repeat until you release the tension.
Step 3. Count to 10 to stay calm
Counting helps you take your mind off the source of your anger and allows you to focus on something else. It starts with one and goes up to 10 or even 100, in order to regain control of emotions.
You can count aloud or in mind, depending on your preference
Step 4. Get some fresh air
Step away for a few minutes and walk around the neighborhood. Walking in nature can make you relax and clear your mind, so that you can manage anger more correctly.
Calm down outdoors:
Tell the other person that you need to walk away for a few minutes.
You can say, "I have to calm down and I can't do it here. I'll take a walk." You may sound blunt, but the most important thing is to get out before you say something you will regret. You can apologize when you come back.
Walk around.
Take a quick step to vent your anger. Focus on the movement of the legs and heartbeat, taking deep breaths. Moving will calm your body and eventually your mind as well.
Make an effort to notice three things around you.
It will probably be the last thing you want to do if you are angry, but make an effort to look at the sky, at the leaves on the trees or at the passing cars. Distracting yourself for even a moment can curb your anger.
Step 5. Stretch to relieve tension
Use the pause to relax your muscles. Stretch all muscle groups in your body as you breathe deeply. If you are familiar with yoga, you can even try some poses to release tension in the body.
Relaxing Exercises:
Roll your body smoothly from side to side.
Keep your arms up comfortably, with your elbows bent. Roll your chest to waist level, turning on one foot, then slowly swing to the other side to loosen your whole body.
Bend over until you touch your toes.
Bend forward at the hips, keeping your back straight, then reach your hands towards your toes. Let your head and neck fall forward, relaxing. It's okay if you can't touch your feet, bend over as much as you can. This surrender pose helps to vent anger.
Open your hips.
Spread your legs beyond your shoulders and bend your knees. Place your hands just above your knees and extend one arm. Tilt your body to the opposite side to stretch your hips and groin. Hold for 10 seconds, then switch sides. Many people hold a lot of tension in their hips, so stretch them to ease anxiety.
Part 2 of 3: Being understood
Step 1. Think before you speak
If you have a tendency to scream when angry, you are probably an "emotional communicator". This means that you speak or act on feelings and instincts, instead of reasoning. Reflecting on what you want to say for a moment can help you gauge your reaction and communicate more calmly.
Step 2. Apologize for yelling
Show your kindness towards the other person by apologizing. Explain that you understand that you were wrong and that you would like to deal with the subject in a more civilized way from now on.
To apologize:
Take a deep breath.
It's really hard to stop during a tantrum and apologize. Close your eyes for a moment, take a deep breath and regain control of your emotions.
Start with an expression that soothes the soul.
Start by saying "Ok" or "Okay". This way, you will signal to your interlocutor that you are changing your tone, which will help to calm you down even more.
Be honest and sincere.
Tell the other person that you are sorry for screaming and that you have trouble controlling anger. Ask if you can start over, but this time try to express yourself better.
Step 3. Speak in a whisper
Make sure your tone of voice doesn't start to rise again to screaming, speaking very quietly or in a whisper. Imagine you are in the library. If you talk to your kids, get into the habit of whispering or speaking in a low voice when you are angry.
Whispering has a double benefit: it helps you keep your voice at an appropriate volume and ensures that the other person pays attention to what you say if they want to hear you
Step 4. Avoid absolutes
Some of the words you use when communicating can make you even angrier. Avoid absolute terms like "always", "never", "you must".
These words bring out conflicts, because they are accusatory, they express judgment and leave no room for interpretation
Step 5. Use first person affirmations
Communicate your opinion more effectively with phrases that express your feelings without attacking the other person. Here's an example: "I feel neglected when you are late for our appointments."
- First-person affirmations help you take responsibility for what you feel instead of dumping it on the other person.
- Avoid second-person statements that blame the other person, such as "You don't care about me. You're always late!"
Part 3 of 3: Better Manage Anger
Step 1. Make it a rule to never scream
Shouting is counterproductive in a conflict or quarrel, because it creates stress even in the interlocutor and activates his "fight or run" reaction. He will probably not understand what you say and will be agitated as well. This is especially true for children. Make it a goal to stop yelling altogether.
It may take time to achieve this, but don't give up. If you find yourself screaming or about to scream, remember the rule and try to calm down
Step 2. Learn to spot the signs of anger
Pay attention to the sensations you feel in your body. This way you will be able to tell when you are getting angry, so that you can take precautions to resolve the problem.
Learning to Feel Your Anger:
Recognize the physical symptoms of anger.
Observe your behavior for a week and write down how you feel when you get angry. For example, your heartbeat may speed up, you may start sweating or turn red.
Evaluate how you feel during the day.
Consider your mood often, so you can check how you feel and how you react to the moment. You can even use an app that can help you, like iCounselor: Anger, or you can measure your mood on an "anger scale", which you can find on the internet.
Notice the arrival of anger and deal with it quickly.
When you notice that you are about to get angry, make a voluntary effort to deal with your feelings and calm down before you lose control.
Step 3. Deal with problems right away instead of letting them pile up
If you're the type of person who ignores problems until they explode, change your strategy. Take time to discuss problems. You should always do this on a regular basis.
For example, instead of yelling in your husband's face because it's the third time this week he hasn't been taking care of his duties around the house, talk about the problem in a regular evening conversation
Step 4. Use relaxation techniques every day
Integrate relaxation into your daily routine by controlling breathing, doing mindful meditation or practicing progressive muscle relaxation. These strategies can help you control stress and anger so you don't feel the need to yell at people around you.
Try to complete at least one relaxation exercise for 10-15 minutes each day
Step 5. Take care of yourself to reduce your stress levels
You may get angry and scream a lot because you are too stressed. Take anger as a sign to change your life. Find time every day to do the activities necessary for your physical and emotional health, such as:
- Eat three healthy and nutritious meals a day;
- Get enough sleep (7-9 hours a night)
- Take at least some time for yourself to relax and do what you like.
Step 6. Talk to someone you trust
The sympathetic ear of a partner, sibling, or friend can help you reduce tension or find appropriate ways to manage anger or solve your problems. Leverage your support network instead of suppressing anger. If you don't trust anyone, consider talking to a therapist about what makes you angry.
Open
Sit in a quiet, safe room.
Ask a close friend or relative to sit with you when you are both calm. Choose a quiet place where you won't be interrupted, like your room or a park.
Be honest.
Tell him about the problems you have with anger and how you feel when you scream. You can explain what your difficulties are and what you are doing to overcome them. The other person can give you advice or just listen to you.
You have the right to ask for help.
Talking to someone about your feelings doesn't mean asking for advice; you may just want to let off steam. However, if you are interested in the opinion of your interlocutor, do not be afraid to ask: he will respect you for seeking help and will try to give you good advice.
Step 7. Consider whether you need to take an anger management or communication course
If you can't stop yelling or engage in other anger-driven attitudes, you may benefit from a course that teaches healthy coping techniques. Think about your behaviors and how other people react to what you do. Ask your counselor or family doctor to recommend an anger management program if you think you need it. This may be the case if:
- You often get angry;
- Others tell you that you scream often;
- You get the feeling that others don't understand you if you don't scream.
