It is not easy to handle an angry person. Anger can break out in any situation: with a friend, a stranger, at home or in traffic. Furthermore, it is not impossible for anger to occur in the workplace, with colleagues, boss or customers. They can happen more often if the work activity involves direct contact with the public, perhaps in the sector of providing services or managing money. These are frequent experiences, but nevertheless unpleasant and disorienting. While you certainly don't have the ability to control the reactions of others, you still have some strategies to use to avoid putting your safety at risk and to control your position during a confrontation.
Steps
Part 1 of 5: Ensuring Your Safety
Step 1. Get away from a situation that seems dangerous
You won't always have the chance to walk away from a situation where anger takes over, such as when a customer yells at you while you're working. However, if you feel like you are in danger, step away and try to distance yourself from what poses a threat.
- If you are dealing with an angry person at home or at work, go to a safe place, preferably a public one. Avoid places with no exits, such as bathrooms. Also avoid those that contain items that could be used as improper weapons, including kitchens.
- If you have to interact with an angry customer at work, try to keep your distance from them. Stay behind the counter or be careful not to get too close.
Step 2. Get help
You have the right to stay safe. Depending on the type and severity of the threat, you can call a friend to help you. However, if you think you are in serious danger, call 911 or 911.
At work, call someone who has some authority, such as a manager or security guard
Step 3. Take a "break"
If the situation is tense, but not dangerous, kindly ask for a break. Speak in the first person, perhaps saying: "I need a quarter of an hour to clear my head before continuing." At that juncture, do something to calm down so that you can keep your emotions in check and give the other person a chance to calm down. Finally, make an appointment at a specific time and place to discuss your problem.
- Always use first-person affirmations when asking for a truce, even if you feel that the other person is completely in the wrong. By saying "I need some time to think", you are more likely to dampen the aggression of the angry person, without putting them on the defensive.
- Avoid using accusatory phrases such as "You need a break" or "Calm down." Even if you think they reflect the reality of the situation, they can lead the other person to put up a wall of defense and make them even angrier.
- Don't be afraid to interrupt the discussion again if the other person is still hostile or furious. Ideally, both of you should take advantage of the time you give each other to do something that calms you down and relaxes you.
- If after a couple of pauses he still hasn't calmed down, consider whether to resume the discussion by having a neutral person intervene. It can be a psychologist, a priest, the human resources manager and so on.
Part 2 of 5: Controlling Your Reactions
Step 1. Take a deep breath
Stressful situations, which occur, for example, when someone goes on a rampage, can generate an "fight or flight" reaction that leads to a faster heart rate, faster and shallower breathing, transmitting stress hormones throughout the body. Therefore, block this reaction by breathing deeply so that you remain calm. Remember that when two people are angry, their anger adds to the tension twice as much.
- Inhale for a count of 4. You should feel your lungs and abdomen expand.
- Hold your breath for 2 seconds, then slowly let the air out for a count of 4 again.
- As you exhale, focus on relaxing the muscles in your face, neck, and shoulders.
Step 2. Check your emotions
By calmly reacting to the anger of the person in front of you, you will be able to ease the tension. If you respond with equal anger, it will only make the situation worse. Walking, meditating, counting down from 50 are all strategies to calm down.
Step 3. Avoid taking it personally
It can be very difficult to separate personal feelings from a conflict situation with a person who has lost his temper. Keep in mind that displays of anger often indicate that the person expressing them has not learned to react in a healthy and assertive way in the circumstances that threaten them. According to some studies, when people are aware that they have not provoked those in front of them, they are less likely to be upset by the situation.
- Anger can escalate due to many factors: insecurity, lack of choices, disrespectful behavior, aggressive or passive reactions to a problem.
- People feel insecure if a situation becomes unpredictable. They can react with anger when order and basic security are threatened.
- People respond hostile when they have limited choices. This stems from a sense of powerlessness due to having few or no alternatives in certain situations.
- When people feel they are not respected, they often react with anger. For example, if you address someone with an angry or disrespectful tone, there is a risk that they will be annoyed.
- Some go on a rampage to feel better. If someone gets nervous with you, consider the possibility that it is a reaction to some personal episode and not your behavior.
- If you have wronged a person, take responsibility for your mistake and apologize. Remember that it is not you who indicate how others should react, so anger is never a feeling that has such a direct relationship between two individuals. However, by admitting that you are wrong, you can help those in front of you to leave the pain and anger behind.
Step 4. Stay calm
Speak calmly. Don't raise your voice and don't scream. Try to communicate with your body in a calm but firm way.
- Avoid hunching your back and crossing your arms. These attitudes indicate boredom or withdrawal.
- Maintain a relaxed posture. Use your body assertively: keep your feet planted firmly on the ground, shoulders back and chest out. Look the other person in the eye. By taking this position, you will demonstrate that you are calm, that you are in control of your actions, and that you are not being accommodating.
- Watch out for aggressive reactions, such as clenching fists or teeth. Even violating the "personal space" of your interlocutor (which usually corresponds to a meter away) can indicate that aggression is winning.
- Instead of facing the front, stand diagonally to the person who is losing his temper. From this position you will not assume an air of defiance.
Step 5. Pay attention when the communication goes down
It can be very difficult to stay calm when someone gets angry, but it's important that communication is calm and balanced. Deal with the situation immediately if you notice that it is escalating in any of the following ways:
- Shout;
- Threats;
- Insults;
- Strong or exaggerated claims;
- Hostile questions.
Part 3 of 5: Interacting with an Angry Person
Step 1. Know when it's not the right time to talk
The breakdown of communication is usually heralded by some clues, both emotional and physical. They are defined with the English acronym H. A. L. T., which stands for hungry (hunger), angry (anger), lonely (loneliness) and tired (tiredness). It is, therefore, a psycho-physical state that risks worsening an already tense situation, preventing the parties from finding a solution. Of course, one of the two is already furious. However, if the anger does not subside (even after a small respite) or is accompanied by one of the other conditions expressed in the acronym, it is best to postpone the discussion until the physical and emotional needs of both are met. In short, the controversy arises because each of the following conditions hinders problem resolution, but also communication.
- When you are hungry, determination and rationality fail. The body is running out of energy and one would say or do anything to get them back. According to some research, humans and animals are at more risk when they are hungry. Hunger impairs decision-making and behavior - two things you definitely don't want to leave out of your control during an argument.
- Anger is a feeling that few people learn to constructively express. Typically, it manifests itself through insults, insults, derision, and even physical violence. In addition, it intervenes when people are actually ill, feel confused, jealous or rejected. When real emotions don't surface but give way to anger, people are less likely to see the situation objectively and find a solution. Therefore, in these cases it is better to give the interlocutor the time and space they need to rein in what they are feeling before communication is compromised.
- Loneliness means that a person feels isolated from others. Those who have no idea of civil coexistence will find it difficult to be objective during a confrontation.
- Fatigue could be disastrous in an argument. In fact, lack of sleep causes bad mood, affects cognitive functions and performance. It also impairs decision-making ability. If you are rested, you are more likely to see a solution clearly, while when you are sleepy, the discussion can go in circles for hours, prolonging without reaching any conclusions.
Step 2. Recognize the other person's anger
When someone yells at you, the last thing you want to do is give importance to the fact that they are angry. Often, however, it is a reaction that occurs when someone feels misunderstood or not considered. Admitting that the person in front of you has lost their temper is not the same as saying that they are doing well.
- Try saying, "I understand that you are angry. I want to know what happened. Why did you go on a rampage?" By doing this, you will show that you are trying to put yourself in the other person's shoes and help them feel better.
- Avoid assuming a condescending tone when you speak this way. Don't give the impression that your message is: "Why are you acting like an idiot?".
- Ask for details. Calmly ask what made your interlocutor angry in particular. For example, by asking, "What did I say that upset you?", You can encourage the other person to calm down and reflect on the reasons that led them to lose their temper - and perhaps understand that it was all a misunderstanding..
Step 3. Avoid silencing the other person
Silencing your interlocutor or preventing him in any other way from expressing what he is feeling will not improve the situation. On the contrary, you risk making his anger grow.
By silencing the other person, you will communicate that their feelings are not justified from your point of view. Remember that even if you don't understand what the other person is going through, it's very real to them. By not caring about it, you will not help resolve the situation
Step 4. Listen to the other person
Do it actively. Show your involvement by looking her in the eye, nodding, and using expressions that confirm your attention.
- Don't give the impression that you are looking for a defensive shield while the other person is talking. Focus on his words.
- Hear the reasons why she is angry. Try to imagine the situation from his point of view. If you were in his shoes, would you react the same way?
Step 5. Confirm what he said
One of the reasons tense situations escalate is a lack of communication. When the person in front of you has explained to you why they lost their temper, confirm what they told you.
- Speak in the first person, saying for example: "I realize that he is angry because it is the third cell phone purchased in our store that does not work. Right?".
- You can make sure that you understand your interlocutor's grievances by expressing yourself in the following ways: "It seems to me that he is saying _" or "Do you mean that _?". This way, he will feel taken into consideration and can let off some steam.
- Don't soften or rephrase the other person's statements when you confirm them. For example, if she complains that you have been late for the last six days, do not say, "I understand that you are angry because I am always late." Instead, express yourself by emphasizing what he actually said to you: "I understand that you are angry because I have been late for the past six days."
Step 6. Speak in first person to communicate your needs as well
If your interlocutor continues to yell or be aggressive towards you, use first-person affirmations to communicate your needs. By doing so, you will not give the impression that you are blaming him.
For example, if the other person yells at you, you might say, "I want to help her, but I can't understand what she's saying if she's talking that loud. Could you repeat it in a lower tone?"
Step 7. Identify yourself with your interlocutor
Try to look at the situation from his point of view. This way you will be able to manage your emotional reactions, but you will also be able to communicate more effectively.
- You will be able to calm the waters by expressing yourself like this: "She is right, she seems really frustrating" or "I challenge her because she is angry". In some cases, people just want to make themselves heard and find justification for their mood. Mostly they calm down when they feel understood.
- Try not to forget that while the other person is angry, they are doing their best to express their feelings. This way, you will be able to reconsider the situation.
- Don't downplay the problem. Even if it seems insignificant to you, it is obviously very important to your interlocutor.
Step 8. Don't express your intentions
Rather, think about the consequences. If someone loses his temper, somehow he thinks you are wrong. Your first reaction may be to stand up for yourself and declare your intentions. For example, avoid saying, "I wanted to pick up your suit from the laundry, but I forgot it because I left work late." Although your intentions were good, at this point they no longer matter to the other person, who nevertheless has to face the consequences of your actions, and that's what upsets them.
- Instead of pointing out your good intentions, try to put yourself in her shoes and understand how the consequences of your behavior have damaged her. You might add, "I understand forgetting your dress in the laundry got you in trouble for tomorrow's meeting."
- You may appear to be inconsistent with yourself. You will certainly believe that you did the right thing and you will have a hard time accepting that you were wrong. In this case, try to imagine that the person in front of you is not angry with you, but with someone or something else. Think about how you could solve the situation if you weren't the "culprit".
Part 4 of 5: Dispelling the Anger
Step 1. Face the situation with an open mind
Once you have listened to the other person, consider how you can handle the situation.
- If you think the other person has valid reasons to complain to you, accept them. Admit your mistakes and ask what you can do to fix them.
- Don't make excuses and don't get defensive. With this attitude, you will only make the other person more nervous, because they will feel that you don't care about what they need.
Step 2. Offer a solution
Be reasonable and speak calmly and clearly. Try to find a solution relating to the problem presented by your interlocutor.
For example, if your child is angry that your child broke a window in his house with an uncontrolled ball, react by specifying what you are willing to do, perhaps by saying: "Since my son broke a window with the ball, I can call a glazier and fix the problem in two days. Alternatively, you can take care of the repair and send me the bill."
Step 3. Ask what the alternatives may be
If the other person is not satisfied with the remedy you proposed, ask which solution would make them happier. For example, you might ask, "If so, what would you like me to do?"
- Try to present your solution as a joint and collaborative effort between you. For example: "Okay, if my suggestion is not acceptable, I'd like to find together a way to solve the problem. What can we do?".
- If the other person suggests something unreasonable, don't start insulting them. Instead, submit a counter offer. For example: "I realize that you would like me to pay for the window repair and carpet cleaning of the whole house. However, I think it would be fairer if I pay for the window repair and carpet cleaning in the living room. does it seem acceptable? ".
- If you do everything to find a meeting point, you can direct the discussion towards the search for a solution. For example, try saying: "I understand that it is important for you to find a fair solution. It is also important for me …". By doing so, you will make it clear that you are moving towards the same goal.
Step 4. Avoid saying "but"
The "buts" risk erasing the meaning of the words, because they completely deny what was said previously. When people hear "but", they tend to stop listening. They only understand: "You're wrong."
- For example, don't say, "I understand what he's saying, BUT he has to _."
- Rather it uses the conjunction "and": "I understand how you think And I understand that there is a need for _".
Step 5. Thank the other person
If you have managed to find a solution, end the discussion by thanking. You will show your respect and give the impression that you are meeting the demands placed on the other side.
For example, if you managed to negotiate with a client who was on a rampage, you might say, "Thank you for giving us a chance to solve his problem."
Step 6. Let some time pass
In some cases, anger may not dissipate immediately, even if you have done everything possible to resolve the problem. It happens especially when the situation involves deeper suffering, because the other person feels betrayed or manipulated in some way. Accept that it may take some time for the anger to pass, without insisting.
Step 7. Find a broker if needed
You will likely not be able to resolve every issue that you encounter and it is not always possible to let off some steam, even if you remain calm and respectful. If you have implemented the strategies described above and have not achieved any results, perhaps it is time to step away. The intervention of a third party, such as a psychologist, a mediator, or the director of human resources, can help you negotiate.
Step 8. Consider seeking professional help
In addition to using a mediator, it may be helpful to consult a therapist or psychologist who specializes in conflict resolution and anger management. It is especially important if the person who is angry with you is an important person in your life, such as your husband or wife, parent, sibling, or child. If you have a conflicted relationship or if one of you tends to lose his temper at the slightest provocation, you will probably need to turn to a professional who not only knows how to intervene in the situation, but who can also teach you how to solve problems effectively and acquire the useful skills to communicate correctly.
A therapist can teach friends and family techniques for relaxing and managing stress, methods for overcoming anger, strategies for expressing emotions, and recognizing negative thought patterns that generate anger
Part 5 of 5: Apologize Effectively
Step 1. Reflect on behaviors that may have upset the other person
If you've made a mistake, you will probably need to make up for it by apologizing and forgiving yourself.
- Don't try to justify your behavior. If you have been wrong with someone, you will have to acknowledge your mistake.
- Think about whether you better apologize when the other person is still angry or when they have calmed down.
- Try to understand if your apologies are felt and appropriate in relation to the situation. You shouldn't apologize if you are not truly sorry, as it will only make the problem worse.
Step 2. Try to empathize with the other person and express your remorse
You will need to make her understand that you are mortified by the way your words or attitudes have hurt her.
- Maybe you didn't want to make her angry or hurt her feelings. However, regardless of your intentions, you will need to acknowledge that your behavior has had negative consequences.
- Make your apologies by expressing your remorse. For example, you might start with something like, "I'm very sorry. I know I hurt your feelings."
Step 3. Accept responsibility for your actions
When you present your apologies, in order for them to be effective and help improve the situation, you must take responsibility. In other words, you will need to explain how your actions offended and hurt the other person.
- To affirm your responsibility, you might say, "I'm sorry. I understand that by arriving late, I made everyone miss the event."
- Alternatively, try "I'm sorry. I know my carelessness made you fall."
Step 4. Suggest a solution to the problem
It makes no sense to apologize if you don't suggest a way to fix the situation or to prevent such a scenario from happening again in the future.
- To remedy the situation, you can offer to help the other person or recommend a way to avoid falling into the same similar mistake in the future.
- For example, you might say, "I'm sorry. I know that by arriving late, I made everyone miss the event. From now on, I'll set my phone to wake up an hour earlier than I should be ready."
- Here's another example: "I'm sorry, I know my carelessness made you fall. I'll be more careful where I put my things in the future."
Advice
- Never be afraid to ask for a few minutes to be on your own before facing a tense situation. You will have the opportunity to relax and keep your emotions in check.
- Try to be sincere when you offer your apology. People are very good at spotting condescension and falsehood, and in these cases they get more nervous.
- Remember that you cannot control other people's reactions, only your own behavior.
Warnings
- If you feel in danger, call for help and walk away.
- Be wary of people who express themselves like this: "Why do you always make me angry?". It means they don't take responsibility for their actions.
- Don't resort to violent language or behavior.
