Life is unpredictable and presents us with challenges and problems. We often question our past and wonder what would have happened if things had gone differently. These kinds of thoughts could come to consume us and prevent us from moving forward in life. By fossilizing on the past we risk falling into anxiety and depression.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Coping With What You Are Feeling
Step 1. Express your pain
In life you can suffer for several reasons: for having made a mistake, for regretting a decision, for not being able to take a chance, for having hurt someone or being hurt by someone … Instead of constantly brooding over the past, shake it off.
- Express what you are feeling by keeping a journal, opening up to a friend or family member you trust, or talking to a mental health professional.
- If your pain involves another person, share your state of mind or write them a letter. If you don't want to talk to her, you can write a letter without sending it to her.
- By manifesting how you feel about your past, you will also be able to become aware of the situation.
Step 2. Accept your decisions
Every choice involves a renunciation, or in other words: by seizing an opportunity, you are forced to abandon other possibilities. It's easy to stop and wonder "What if…", but this kind of thinking only generates frustration. Imagining alternative scenarios does not change what happened. Instead of thinking about what might have happened if you had made a different decision, focus on the present and what you can do in the moment.
- Accept that the past is made up of a series of events that have already happened - and that you can't always be proud of how you behaved. In any case, all this is part of your experience.
- Think, "I made a decision in the past that made sense to me. Looking back, maybe it would have been better _. However, I couldn't predict what the consequences would be; this path will help me in the future if I find myself in a similar situation.".
Step 3. Decide to leave the past behind
Once you are able to express your pain, be determined to leave it behind. Even if you don't have the ability to change what happened, you can still decide not to dwell on the past and commit to moving forward. By choosing to move on, instead of being trapped in these thoughts, you will be more proactive about the future.
- Think: "I accept myself and my past. I choose to start from this point", or: "I will not be influenced by what happened. I choose to move forward".
- This is a decision that will need to be renewed every day. You may have to care about turning your life around every morning until you actually shake off your past.
Step 4. Reflect on what you have learned
The past represents a learning opportunity. Your experiences may have taught you more about yourself, other people, or life in general. So, stop and think about everything positive and negative you have learned, focusing more on the more constructive aspects.
- It is not a problem if you cannot think of something useful that you have learned.
- Try making a list of the positive and negative lessons you have learned from your experiences.
- For example, from a love affair that went wrong you may have figured out the qualities you want in your next partner (such as patience, sweetness, and so on).
Step 5. Don't hesitate to forgive yourself
Anyone can make mistakes and have regrets. The past belongs to the past, it is not something that recurs systematically or that will surely repeat itself in the future. Don't get stuck in what happened - forgive yourself and give yourself a chance to move forward in life.
- Write a letter that contains all the details of what happened, the alternatives you could have chosen, the conditioning that influenced your decisions and what you think of yourself now. Conclude the letter by forgiving yourself and appreciating the person you have become.
- Think "I forgive myself", "I love myself" and "I accept myself".
Step 6. Forgive other people
Chances are that someone has hurt you in the past and you keep reliving that pain. You certainly can't change the way he treated you, but you have the opportunity to forgive him. Forgiveness allows you to accept what happened and to let go of all the anger and suffering, keeping you going. It is a gesture that concerns you, not the person who hurt you.
- Examine the role you played. Try putting yourself in the other person's shoes, considering their point of view and what prompted them to behave a certain way. You will be able to understand the situation better.
- Realize that you can only control yourself and your emotions. Choose to forgive those who hurt you. You can talk to him or write him a letter - even without giving it to him.
- Forgiveness is a long process, it does not run out overnight.
Step 7. Stay away from bad relationships
Over the course of your life, you may surround yourself with people who undermine your well-being, preventing you from growing and moving forward. Their presence could be deleterious if you feel fear, discomfort or shame when you are in their company, you feel drained or upset after interacting with them, you are negatively affected by their personal stories or you constantly try to help or correct them. Therefore you must learn to manage or eliminate these relationships from your life.
- If you can't dismiss a person who has a negative influence on you, set limits to protect yourself from their behavior.
- Tell her what you think about her behavior: "When _, I think _. I need _. I'm telling you how I feel because _."
Step 8. Find a psychotherapist
If you need help working through your past, a psychologist (or psychotherapist) can help you understand what you are feeling. He will be able to listen to you, to help you overcome your problems and to provide you with tools that will allow you to improve your life. Find a therapist who qualifies, puts you at ease, and has experience in treating problems like yours.
- Try going to the ASL psychologist or ask your doctor who you could go to.
- If you'd rather consult a professional privately, but don't know how to choose one, try searching through this site.
Part 2 of 3: Changing Mental Attitudes
Step 1. Turn your thoughts elsewhere
Memories of the past come to mind every now and then. The more you persist in not thinking about it, the more you fall back into these thoughts. Instead of opposing them, recognize them and try to steer them in another direction.
- Plan everything you will say to yourself when a memory comes to mind. If you start thinking about the past, what do you need to do?
- If you remember something that happened in the past, think, "It's okay. It's part of my past, but now I'm focused on _."
Step 2. Gain awareness
Mindfulness allows you to focus on the present and have more control over your thoughts. By focusing your mind on what you want, you will be able to stop dwelling on past events. Therefore, when you feel trapped in your past, try practicing some exercises to raise your awareness.
- To learn to be more mindful through meditative practice, focus on your breathing. Notice all the physical sensations you feel as you inhale and exhale. How do you feel the air coming in and out of the nostrils? And the lungs? Note the movements of the chest as well.
- Get in the habit of doing these exercises every day. If you are constant, you will be able to regain a good mood and reduce negative thoughts.
Step 3. Give your thoughts a time limit
If you can't help but mull over your past, at least try to limit the time you spend on these thoughts. Determine how much time (e.g. 10, 20 or 30 minutes) and what time of day you want to set aside for your memories, preferably when you are more relaxed.
- For example, you can think about your past every afternoon from 5:00 pm to 5:20 pm.
- If something occurs to you outside of these hours, tell yourself that it is not the time and that you will deal with it in due course.
Step 4. Question what you think
By fossilizing on the past you could have an irrational or distorted view of what really happened (convincing yourself that it was all your fault, that you are a bad person and so on) … you risk even beginning to believe that these thoughts embody the reality of the facts. If, on the other hand, you put them in crisis from the beginning, you will have a more objective view. Therefore, try asking yourself the following questions:
- Is there a more constructive way to analyze my situation?
- Do I have evidence that what I think is true or wrong?
- How would I talk to a friend who was in my situation?
- Is this way of thinking useful to me?
- Does dwelling on the past help me or does it hurt me?
- Instead of repeating "It's too hard", think "I can try it" or "I have to approach it from a different angle."
Part 3 of 3: Engage in a Healthy Behavior
Step 1. Distract yourself
When you commit to something you enjoy, the mind is no longer focused on the past. Therefore, fill your life with activities and people who allow you to forget past events. Cultivate a new passion (such as painting, a manual activity, a sport, reading), spend your time with family and friends, read a book or watch a movie. Engage in anything that excites you and makes you feel good about yourself.
- Introduce enjoyable and interesting activities into your daily life.
- If they require full attention (like cooking and solving a crossword puzzle) or force you to focus on something that distracts you from yourself (like looking after a pet and babysitting), they will help you get distracted more easily.
Step 2. Exercise
Exercise helps you circulate endorphins (the so-called "good mood hormones") and stimulates the nervous system. Try to train at least half an hour a day. It's best if you get both your arms and legs moving (e.g. walking, running, swimming, dancing, etc.).
- Focus on your body and how it moves as you exercise.
- Listen to your favorite music while exercising.
- Try to involve your friends in this activity to nurture your social relationships.
Step 3. Eliminate the triggers
You may notice that certain things, like songs, places, or movies, lead you to mull over the past, rekindling some memories. However, you have the option to leave them behind by changing your behaviors.
- For example, if sad or slow songs make you think about the past, change the kind of music you listen to.
- If you tend to mull over past events before bed, change your evening routine by reading a book or updating your diary before bed.
- It is not certain that these changes will be permanent. Once you learn not to get stuck in your past, you may be able to get back into old habits.
Step 4. Plan your future
If you keep looking to the future, you won't have time to focus on the past. Make a list of the things you are grateful for, are trying to accomplish, and want to do. Also include the ones you have already planned and keep making new projects.
- Plans for the future don't have to be extravagant. For example, you could plan to have dinner with a friend next week.
- When planning your future, write down everything you need to do to accomplish your goals.
- Focus on your strengths and the best aspects of your personality.
