The death of a child is the most devastating loss. You cry for the loss of his existence, for what he could have lived and for his missed future. Your life has now changed forever, but know it's not over. It is possible to go through the pain and overcome it. Read on to find some tips that can help you.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Accepting the Pain
Step 1. Accept and acknowledge all your feelings and emotions
You have the right to experience all the moods you feel. You may experience intense anger, guilt, denial, pain and fear; these are all predictable feelings in a bereaved parent. This is completely normal, there is nothing "wrong" with that. If you feel like crying, do it. Give yourself the right to feel emotions. Keeping them choked is just too difficult and not good. If you keep them inside, you'll only be worse for the saddest thing you've ever experienced. It is absolutely natural and also healthy to allow yourself to have all possible feelings about the loss, because this will put you on the right path to accept it. You will never be able to fully overcome it, but you can find the strength to face the death of your child. If you don't accept your feelings, you won't be able to move on.
Step 2. Throw away the calendar
There are no set times for grieving. Each individual is just that: an individual. Grieving parents can experience many similar emotions and difficulties; however, everyone's path is different depending on their personality and the social context in which they live.
- For years, we have been based on the popular belief that bereavement is overcome through five stages of grief, starting with denial and ending with acceptance. Modern thinking, on the other hand, is that there are no steps to complete in order to mourn. On the contrary, people experience a "mixture" of feelings and moods that alternate, come and go, and sometimes re-emerge. In recent research, scholars have found that many people accept the death of a loved one from the beginning and that they experience the lack of the lost individual more than feelings of anger or depression.
- Since the grieving process is strictly personal to each individual, couples sometimes go into crisis because they cannot understand how the partner handles the loss. Instead, keep in mind that your spouse may have mechanisms for coping with pain that may be different from yours, and you must allow them to experience them in the way they see fit for themselves.
Step 3. Don't worry if you feel numb
During the mourning process, many people experience a state of numbness and apathy. In this situation, the world may seem like a dream to you or seem distant. People and things that once gave happiness now represent nothingness. This state of mind could pass quickly, but you could also live it for some time; it is a reaction of the body that seeks protection from overwhelming emotions. Over time, you will return to feel present and interactive with the outside world.
For many, the numbness begins to fade after the first anniversary of their child's death, at which point the awareness of true reality can hit very hard. In fact, many parents claim that the second year is the most difficult
Step 4. Take a little distance from work … or not
Some parents find the thought of returning to work unbearable, while others prefer to throw themselves headlong into the daily activities and challenges that work offers. Find out how bereavement is handled in your workplace before making a decision. The contracts include three days of bereavement leave, but you can also agree with your company if you want to be absent for longer.
Don't let the fear of losing your job force you to return before you are psychologically ready. According to studies carried out in the US, companies lose approximately $ 225 billion every year due to reduced productivity due to post-trauma suffering of employees. "When someone we love dies, you lose the ability to concentrate and focus," Friedman said. "The brain doesn't work well when the heart is broken."
Step 5. Turn to faith if you can
If you find comfort in religion, faith teachings, and rituals, reach out to your church to help you overcome the pain. Be aware that losing your child could harm your religious beliefs, but this is normal. Over time, you will find that you can recover your faith; either way, if you have been a religious person, you can believe in God, who is big enough to handle your anger, anger and pain.
Step 6. Avoid making meaningful decisions
Wait at least a year before making any important decisions. Don't think about selling your home, changing your location, getting a divorce, or changing your life in a major way. Wait for the feeling of numbness to subside until you can clearly see the various options available to you.
Be careful not to make impulsive decisions in everyday life. Some people risk adopting the "Life is short" philosophy that prompts them to take unnecessary risks in seeking a better life. Watch your behavior to make sure you are not engaging in potentially harmful activities
Step 7. Trust in time
The phrase, "Time heals all wounds" may seem like a meaningless commonplace, but the truth is that you will recover from this loss, over time. Initially, the memories will be painful, even the good ones, but at some point you will start to change feelings and find yourself loving those memories. They will make you smile and you will find joy in making them come back to your memory. The pain is a bit like a roller coaster or the tide of the ocean.
Keep in mind that it's okay to take "out of grief" moments to smile, laugh, and enjoy life. This does not mean that you are forgetting about your child, this would be impossible
Part 2 of 4: Take Care of Yourself
Step 1. Be kind to yourself
Even though your urge may be to feel guilty about what happened, resist the temptation. These are simply factors in life and nature that cannot be controlled. Blaming yourself for what was, what could have been, or what you could have done is counterproductive to your recovery.
Step 2. Try to get plenty of sleep
Some parents sometimes just want to sleep. Others find themselves walking around the house all night or staring at the TV. The death of a child entails an extreme toll on the body. Science has shown that a loss of this magnitude is similar to great physical damage, so rest is imperative. If you feel like sleeping, do it; if not, try to create a routine to help sleep: take a hot bath, drink herbal tea, do relaxation exercises; all factors that can help you stimulate a good, relaxing sleep.
Step 3. Remember to eat
Sometimes it happens that in the days immediately following the death of the child, relatives and friends bring food, so that you do not have to cook. Try to force yourself to eat a little each day to maintain strength. It is difficult to cope with negative emotions and everyday activities if you are physically weak. Eventually, though, you'll have to go back to cooking your meals as normal. Don't complicate your life. Cook a chicken or make a large pot of soup that can last for a couple of meals. Find takeaways or restaurants in your neighborhood that organize healthy takeaways and can deliver them to your doorstep.
Step 4. Stay hydrated
Whether or not you have difficulty eating, try to drink at least eight glasses of water a day. Sip a soothing cup of tea or keep a bottle of water with you at all times. Dehydration strains the body, and your body has already been subjected to enough strain.
Step 5. Drink alcohol in moderation and stay away from illegal drugs
While it's understandable that you want to erase the memory of your child's death, excessive alcohol and drug use can aggravate depression and create a whole new set of problems to address.
Step 6. Take medications exclusively prescribed and indicated by your doctor
Some parents believe that it is necessary to take a drug that facilitates sleep and that anxiolytics or antidepressants help to cope better with the pain. There are many drugs of this type available in pharmacies, and finding the right one that works best for you can be a daunting task; It is therefore advisable to get advice from a doctor. Work with him to find the most effective solution for you and to establish an appropriate therapy also in terms of duration.
Step 7. Reevaluate your social relationships if it becomes difficult to manage them
It is not uncommon for friends to drift apart in grieving circumstances. Some people simply don't know what to say, and those who are parents may feel uncomfortable remembering that the loss of a child is possible. If friends push you to "forget" the pain and try to speed up your grieving process, set boundaries with them about possible topics of conversation. If necessary, distance yourself from those who insist on deciding for you what your grieving process should be.
Part 3 of 4: Honoring Your Child's Memory
Step 1. Organize a memorial meeting
A couple of weeks after the funeral or at a time that feels right to you, invite friends and loved ones to a party or dinner to remember your baby. Make this meeting an opportunity to bring back the good memories that each of you has of your child. Invite people to share stories and / or photos. The meeting can take place at your home, or you can choose a place that the child liked: a park, playground or oratory.
Step 2. Create a web page
There are companies that offer web spaces where you can share your child's photos and videos and upload their life story. You can also open a Facebook page in memory of your child and restrict access so that only family and friends can see it.
Step 3. Create an album
Collect all his photos, his achievements, report cards, various memories and organize them in an album. Write captions or anecdotes for each photo. You will be able to watch this album whenever you want to feel close to your child. It is also a way to help younger siblings to get to know their brother who is no longer there.
Step 4. Make a commemorative donation
You can give funds for a project in your child's name. For example, you can make a donation to your local library by asking them to buy books in their honor in return. According to library procedures, you may apply a special label to the cover of the books bearing the child's name. Think about the realities and organizations in your city that carry out those activities that they liked or took care of.
Step 5. Start a scholarship
You can contact a university's development office or partner with a local foundation to set up a scholarship. You will need 20,000 or 25,000 euros to be awarded on a scholarship that awards 1,000 euros each year, although each institution sets its own rules. The scholarship also allows your friends and family to honor your child with a contribution.
Step 6. Become an activist
Based on the circumstances of the child's death, you could actively collaborate in an organization that is committed to a particular cause or become an advocate for changes in the legal order. For example, if the child was killed by a drunk driver, you could join the Italian Association of Families and Victims of the Road (AIFVS).
Be inspired by the American John Walsh. When his 6-year-old son Adam was killed, he continued to uphold the norms to tighten the sentences of perpetrators of violence against children and became the author of a TV show focused on catching violent criminals
Step 7. Light a candle
October 15 is the day of remembrance and prevention of prenatal and neonatal death, a day to honor and remember children who have died during pregnancy or just born. All over the world, at 7 that evening, those who want to commemorate her light a candle and let it burn for at least an hour. For the different time zones, the result was described as "a wave of light that spans the world."
Step 8. Celebrate your child's birthdays if it makes you feel good
The first few times birthdays can be excruciatingly painful events and you may just wish you could get through the day in the best way possible. Some people, however, find solace in celebrating their baby's life on this special day. There are no right or wrong ways to do this; if the idea of celebrating all that was good, fun and bright for your child makes you feel good, plan a birthday party.
Part 4 of 4: Getting Outside Help
Step 1. Talk to a therapist
A professional can help you, especially if they specialize in pain counseling. Search online to find any therapists in your area. Get to know him a little over the phone before committing to a professional session. Ask him about his experience working with bereaved parents, his method of therapy with patients, whether he incorporates a religious or spiritual component into the treatment (which may or may not be useful), his rates and availability. Based on the circumstances of your child's death, you may be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). If this is your case, it would be wise to find a professional who specializes in counseling and treating this problem.
Step 2. Join a bereavement group
Knowing that you are not alone in grieving a loss and that others are facing similar challenges can be comforting. There are bereavement support groups for parents in many communities; do some research online to find the ones closest to you. These groups offer several benefits, including being able to tell your story in a friendly, non-judgmental environment and less feeling of isolation by getting closer to people who share and find each other's emotional reactions normal.
There are two types of groups: temporary and permanent. Time-limited groups usually meet once a week for a fixed period (6 to 10 weeks), while groups for an indefinite period organize meetings that are sometimes sporadic, without fixed dates and often less frequent (monthly, bimonthly)
Step 3. Find an online forum
There are many online forums dedicated to supporting people who have suffered a loss; however, keep in mind that many of these include all types of loss (parents, partners, siblings, even pets). Look for one that is specific to parents grieving the loss of a child, if you want to find more understanding of your state of mind.
Advice
- Cry when you need it, smile when you can.
- If you find that you are becoming manic, you have to stop, relax, do nothing; watch a movie, read, sleep, cut back on your activities.
- Be prepared for the fact that not a day will go by without you thinking about your child; you shouldn't even want that. You have loved your dear baby and you will deeply miss him for the rest of your life, and that's right.
- Do what feels right for your pain. You don't have to explain to anyone about your grief.
- Don't set any time limits for your recovery. It could take years before you feel 'normal'. You may never feel the same again, but that doesn't mean your life is over. It will no longer be the same but it will be different, forever changed by the love for your son and what he had for you.
- If you are a believer, pray as much as you can.
- Remember that no one can truly understand your grief, unless they have already experienced it firsthand. Try to let loved ones understand how you feel and how they can help you. Ask them to respect your feelings.
- Try not to worry about unimportant things. As a grieving parent you are trying to survive the worst of events! Nothing else that can happen will be as painful as the loss of your child. If you can, try to remember the strength you have discovered in yourself, from now on it will make you overcome any other situation.
- Know that you are not alone. Ask for help, it's at your disposal.
- At night, when you are alone and can't sleep, write a letter to your child who is no longer there, telling him how much you love and miss him.
- Know that you will have mixed feelings about everything, even the idea of "moving forward."
- Try not to think about it, go out, have fun. Clear your mind.
