Communication is a vital part of family cohesion and sharing. However, it is not always a walk in the park, and its lack is often caused by the clashes that occur between different and incompatible personalities. While you can show understanding and empathy, it is important not to be trampled by the devious manipulation of passive-aggressive relatives. Such an individual is unwilling to deal with resentment, anger, and other negative emotions in a direct or sincere way. Instead, he tries to rely on unfair strategies to "interact", that is, he complains, behaves in a quarrelsome manner and as if he feels underappreciated. Of course, this isn't healthy for nurturing a relationship, and you'll need to find solid tactics to avoid getting sucked into this vortex.
Steps
Part 1 of 2: Identifying Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Step 1. Observe your relatives
Try to understand if you can identify the passive-aggressive attitudes they demonstrate. Make sure you take into account minor and occasional drifts - every now and then we all behave this way because of stress, fatigue, fear, or a lack of assertion. Behavior becomes problematic when an individual constantly communicates and treats others in this way. Here are some signs to look out for:
- What does this relative of yours say? Complaining is a sign of typical passive-aggressive behavior. For example, complaining about feeling unappreciated or bad luck is quite common among such people.
- How does it behave? This relative of yours may tell you to agree with you, but then you discover that he has acted behind your back in a completely different way.
- How does he respond to new information you give him or to the choices you (or another family member) have made in your life? If he feigns disinterest, completely ignores the news, criticizes or despises your achievements by making "witty" or sarcastic jokes, this indicates passive-aggressive behavior. Such a person tends not to trust the successes of others and will do everything to belittle them or to imply that these results were obtained by luck or by cheating. He does not accept that the individual in question was able to do something because he worked hard. But all of this will be done in a very subtle way, don't expect explicit disappointment.
- Does this relative of yours express disapproval or refuse to offer positive reinforcement? Failure to praise or acknowledge a job well done is a sign of resentment, which denotes passive-aggressive behavior.
- Have you noticed that this relative of yours makes mocking comments but then acts as if he has said nothing wrong? Or did he go further and accuse you of misinterpreting his words?
- Does your relative question almost everything you say or suggest? Maybe his words are based on the fact that his life is much more difficult than yours, that he knows more than you or that he is better at something than you. All of this points to a negative behavioral pattern. For example, he makes statements like "No, no, it doesn't", "Well, in my experience, nothing like this ever happens" or "In my day we didn't have such opportunities and we had to work harder to bring bread at home ".
- Does your relative keep repeating that others are luckier than him? Does he use phrases like “If only…” and then explain everything he could have achieved in his life if the stars had aligned correctly? Listening to this kind of talk, it is easy to realize that this person is unable to accept his lack of responsibility in changing his life for his own benefit.
Step 2. Basically, what actions make you think he is taking a passive-aggressive attitude towards you?
Most of the time it is difficult to understand, although the more an individual responds in this way, the more spontaneous it will be for him to do so on every occasion. The behavior will therefore be increasingly evident. Determine what you find annoying in their attitudes. Do you hate the fact that he disagrees with you or the way he expresses it (for example, he silently grinds his teeth and then says “It's okay, honey” when you ask him what the problem is)?
Step 3. Evaluate the reasons for behaving this way
You may not know the reasons behind passive-aggressive behavior, but chances are you can link different snippets to figure out what's bothering him. Just listen to it. This should get you started to get a general idea of what ails him. Determine what you dislike about his outlook on life and the attitude he has towards his family, especially towards members who have achieved results that awaken a grudge in him.
- Why does he behave this way? It is possible that your Aunt Floriana desperately wanted to become a prima ballerina when she was young, but poverty and an early marriage prevented her from fulfilling this ambition? It may be that he suffers as he sees his granddaughter successfully practicing ballet. Maybe your uncle Giorgio wanted to become an astronaut, but he didn't study because he found this path too complicated, only to discover, years later, that his nephew was hired to NASA. Be careful, you don't have to justify it, but understand what prompted your relative to conceive reality in the way it does today.
- Do you think there is an understandable reason as to why he doesn't approve of something that is important to you? In some cases, a passive-aggressive person initially protects themselves from a bad experience, but then projects it onto their loved ones in the hope of defending them from possible negative situations. This thought can help you understand that a rude, obnoxious and cold comment about your choices and mistakes may actually have been caused by this individual's worries, no matter how misplaced, because deep down the negative experiences are his.
- In some cases, a passive-aggressive relative intends to control you, the situation, the family, etc. This person may feel that his or her role has been threatened, and therefore a passive-aggressive attitude represents an ill-concealed attempt to regain one's power over others. He may feel a sense of satisfaction in knowing that his words or behaviors cause anxiety or doubt in others.
- Another possible reason behind passive-aggressive behavior is sheer jealousy. Taking the examples of Aunt Floriana or Uncle Giorgio, seeing that someone else has succeeded where one has failed can be devastating; this reconfirms one's failure in trying to pursue a dream. In this case, resentment, bitterness and spite will fuel the passive-aggressive behavior.
Step 4. Remember that one of the key reasons for passive-aggressive behavior is to attack, demoralize, despise, or indirectly point to you
This is why sarcasm, jokes, know-it-all statements, and fake wisdom are often used to suggest that his intentions are not bad, even if their only attempt is to make you suffer.
Part 2 of 2: Strategies for Coping with Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Step 1. Don't get caught up in this game
The most important way to deal with a passive-aggressive relative (and family bonding makes it more emotionally difficult) is to learn not to get angry. Before you see this person again, try out the positive thought patterns in your mind - a little mental role play can help you avoid panicking and giving in to underhanded pressures.
- Repeat to yourself such phrases as “Grandma will be passive-aggressive again. I love her, but I won't let her manipulate me and hurt me. He suffers for reason X, but this will not prevent me from doing what I have decided”or“John is behaving unfairly and is trying to sabotage me by telling me certain things. I know that he is being passive-aggressive and that if I act up he will get what he wants. It won't do me any good to worry or irritate myself about it. Instead, I'll ignore your words or assert myself”.
- Above all, keep calm. It's easy to feel upset or upset, but this will make your response emotional, not thoughtful. Your peace of mind will put this person in crisis.
Step 2. Confront this relative of yours openly and politely
Once you come to the conclusion that passive-aggressive behavior is their way of communicating (badly) with you and that bothers you, respond. Wait until he does or says something irritating. Then, in a calm and friendly manner, ask "Why are you saying or doing this?". If your relative pretends not to have done or said anything offensive, say “You said or did this and that two seconds ago. Don't you like my idea or did what I told you made you nervous? ".
Step 3. Share your feelings
If your relative denies feeling upset, stay calm. He says, "Well, when you said or did this and that, I felt rejected and foolish, and that hurt me." This is a non-aggressive way to show him openness and to let him know that his behavior affects you. At this point, he will have to give you explanations.
- Often this is enough to encourage an open explanation or apology, however rude this is done (examples: "I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm just worried about your finances / future, etc." or "You know I love you., I don't have to tell you all the time! ").
- He goes on to say “I'm glad you told me”, or something similar. This situation will put him under pressure, so appreciate the small attempts he will make to retrace his steps.
Step 4. Don't let your relative get over it
If he responds in kind and tells you that you are too touchy, stand up: this type of retribution is a nice and good insult and does not correspond to reality. Explain that you are genuinely interested in his opinion, even if he disagrees with you, and that you want him to feel comfortable sharing what he thinks. You will probably surprise him. Many passive-aggressive people behave this way because they are not confident enough to express their opinions and to deal with possible disagreements. If you tell him that his opinion is valid, he may stop being defensive and learn, albeit slowly, to interact honestly with you.
- Always stick to the facts. If necessary, write down everything in a notebook, adding the dates and contexts.
- Behave like a "broken record". If this relative of yours tries to turn the omelet, denies what he said or did or accuses someone else, just repeat what you are sure of and what you expect from him.
- If necessary, learn to be more assertive. Read How to Be Assertive and How to Communicate Assertively to learn more.
Step 5. Stop relying on this relative
If you find yourself in a situation where he has made promises to you, remember that they are empty words. Don't stand there waiting for a miracle: carry on with everything you set out to do and turn to more reliable people for help when you need it.
Advice
- If you know a relative who can keep them in line, try reaching out to this person and express your concerns. It might be enough to stop a passive-aggressive individual and keep him from manipulating you.
- Set a good example. By sharing and openly explaining your emotions, you expose yourself, risking being rejected. This shows that you trust him enough to tell him your feelings, and it may encourage him to do the same.
