If your husband treats you passively-aggressively, it is not easy to resolve the problem and overcome disagreements. In fact, it is easy to recognize a person's anger when it explodes, while passive-aggressive behaviors are more difficult to notice and understand if the person does not admit them. You may feel like you don't have a chance to change things, but keep calm and remember that in your relationship with your husband, you have the same power as him.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Exploring Passive-Aggressive Behaviors
Step 1. Identify passive-aggressive behaviors
It's important to recognize this kind of attitude and not jump to conclusions about how your husband behaves. The most obvious sign is the difference between behavior and actions, particularly regarding anger, because passive aggression can be considered a hidden way to show anger. Learning to recognize this way of doing things can help you understand what is behind your husband's words or gestures and resolve the reasons that cause the underlying problem instead of opposing individual behaviors.
- A passive-aggressive attitude is different from defensive behaviors or occasional delays. It is a series of intentional gestures, which often follow a pattern.
- It's easy to be fooled by these kinds of interactions and then feel guilty or think you've made a mistake, not realizing it's a manipulation strategy.
Step 2. Notice if your husband denies the allegations
Passive-aggressive people do not take responsibility for their own behavior. Your husband may lie to you or blame you to avoid admitting that he hurt you or someone else. He can use methods such as rationalization, make excuses or minimize the problem, in order to deny his own behavior or the impact of his actions.
- Your husband may "forget" to go to the laundry or tell you you didn't remind him to pick up the kids after school.
- He may pretend he didn't do something when there is clear evidence that he did it.
Step 3. See if he's the victim
Do you always find a way to blame yourself for everything and go to the side of reason? He may blame you for his anger and for causing him to explode or lead to violence. Can you not take responsibility when it hurts other people?
Find ways to alter reality and not take the blame? Do you find that he always blames you for all the things that go wrong, even those that have nothing to do with you?
Step 4. Know when he's not sharing something with you
Instead of expressing his needs and desires, your husband may walk away during an argument, stop talking to you, or try to end the argument by saying "Why do I waste time answering you? You're always right." He may also no longer want to have sex, no longer give you money or other items, such as strategies for gaining power over you.
- If your husband gives away things that belong to you or throws things you care about, then again he is denying you things.
- Do you try to gain control over yourself by not showing your emotions? Or does he deny you things?
Step 5. Recognize if your husband is always late
Always arriving late is a method of expressing passive aggression. It is equivalent to saying "This thing is not important to me" or "What I am doing is more important than what you have organized".
Do you often have to wait for your husband to turn off the computer or television when you have something planned? Do you often find excuses like traffic or work commitments to justify your delays?
Step 6. Beware of incompetence
Carrying out your duties or housework loosely can be a form of passive aggression. Your husband may postpone commitments, then carry them out with minimal effort, forcing you to redo them. Carrying out your duties like this is like saying, "I don't care about this (or you) and I make it obvious by not doing a good job."
Does your husband often leave things unfinished, find ways to put them off, or come up with excuses for doing them inappropriately?
Part 2 of 3: Reacting to Passive-Aggressive Behaviors
Step 1. Note the warning signs
Your husband may start to be passive-aggressive in such an inconspicuous way that you don't even notice it. The key is to catch these behaviors before they get out of control. You may notice that she tries to escape from her responsibilities, that she postpones her schedule more than usual, or that she makes excuses for her actions.
When you notice these signs, move away from the conflict before further passive aggression emerges
Step 2. Avoid escalating the conflict
Your first reaction might be to pick on him or confront him for his behavior, but resist the temptation to do so. You could take on the role of parent, which is not beneficial to you or your husband. You probably don't want to be a parent to him, just as he doesn't want to be a child.
If you notice that you are about to react, stop and think for a moment. Think about how you feel and the thoughts that go through your head. Take a deep breath before opening your mouth
Step 3. Be assertive
Don't play his game. If you also keep a passive-aggressive attitude, you will give way to a vicious circle in which both of you will end up unhappy. Instead, try to tell him, "We have a problem that we need to address."
If he's always late, you can say, "We always take too long to leave the house when we have appointments. What do you think we can do to make sure we arrive on time?"
Step 4. Don't give in
Maybe in the past his phrases could make you feel guilty or take responsibility for the problems, but you need to put an end to this situation. Don't be fooled by these tactics. If he says "I'm not angry" but obviously he is, ask him to be honest with you and tell you how he feels. If he says "It was just a joke," make sure you let him know that jokes like that guy are disrespectful and that you don't appreciate them.
If he asks, "Why are you so angry?", Clearly explain that his behavior is annoying, saying, "When you don't communicate with me, it's really frustrating. I'd like to know what's wrong."
Part 3 of 3: Improve Communication with Your Husband
Step 1. Clearly state your needs and requests
Instead of playing his game, don't hesitate to talk about your needs and expectations. Don't think that certain things are taken for granted. If you ask your husband to do something, make sure it is clear what you expect of him and how soon he needs to act.
Get in the habit of writing down the things that need to be done. Don't leave room for misunderstandings. The more clearly you express yourself, the less likely he is to find loopholes
Step 2. Don't blame him and don't shame him
These behaviors do not allow you to improve the situation. So avoid accusing him and rather let him know how you feel. Tell him what's bothering you, how his attitude affects you (and your relationship), and how you'd like things to go.
Don't say, "I hate it when you don't do what I tell you, I can't believe you're so lazy," but rather, "It really bothers me not to be able to count on you to do the housework. Things to do pile up and they make me feel stressed. Can we find ways to work together and make sure we get it all done?"
Step 3. Understand that he is likely to feel resentment or anger
These emotions, combined with the feeling of not being able to express their concerns, are often the basis of passive-aggressive behaviors. In fact, it's much easier to dump problems onto others than to fix them yourself. Your husband may be trying to make you explode with anger, so that the blame falls on you and not on him. Learn to recognize this behavior pattern and decide how to react.
When both of you are calm, talk openly about your feelings. Try to understand what are the things that are not right for you, for him and as a couple. Find ways to express anger and resentment by encouraging your husband to do the same
Step 4. Listen to yourself
Spend quality time together every week, listening to what you have to say, showing empathy and supporting each other. These skills need to be developed over time, so if you're not an expert yet, make it a point to try. Show your husband that he can express his feelings, because you will support him. Allow him to fill the same role for you too.
- Practice listening actively by repeating or summarizing what your husband said; "So you had a bad day and tonight you prefer not to talk about money, do I understand correctly?".
- When your husband talks about his emotions, he shows empathy. "I understand you're frustrated" or "Gee, it looks really stressful, I would feel crushed too" are expressions that make him understand that you understand his feelings.
Step 5. Search for support
If you can't feel compassion for your husband and you find that your arguments keep getting worse, consider talking to a counselor. You can consult a relationship specialist or a more traditional professional. Therapy can help you change destructive behaviors, improve communication, and avoid ignoring your feelings.
