Passive-aggressive behavior is a way of dealing with conflicts without actually addressing them, which can damage any type of relationship. Passive-aggressive people tend to seem pleasant at first, but behave differently over time. They are often said to have "two faces". They have a tendency to suppress their disagreement, their anger, their frustration, or even their pain. They prefer not to talk to those who make them suffer (making the "passive" part prevail) and then act in an "aggressive" way, ruining or undermining the relationship or even going so far as to hurt the other person to take revenge. Do you suspect that you are dealing with a passive-aggressive subject? Learn to identify this type of behavior so that you can deal with it in your personal relationships.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Recognizing Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Step 1. Observe how the other person tries to make you nervous
Passive-aggressive people enjoy making others lose their temper and calm, while keeping a cool head and acting as if they are doing nothing wrong. If you have the impression that someone is trying to hurt your susceptibility while maintaining a calm and friendly attitude, then the chances are that you are dealing with a passive-aggressive subject.
For example, suppose you noticed that your roommate used your trick even after you asked her not to. It could be passive aggression if he plays dumb during the confrontation. Maybe even pretending not to know it would bother you and even being pleased that you were upset
Step 2. Identify ambiguous compliments
Those who are passive-aggressive might make ambiguous compliments. It is praise that, in reality, disguise insults. The person who receives them may not recognize that there is an offense behind them, but those who externalize them feel a sort of gratification in having done them in an ambiguous way.
For example, a passive-aggressive person might praise a rival colleague at work who just got a promotion, saying something like, "Congratulations! You will be very happy that you finally got promoted after years of trying." Such a compliment suggests that the promotion's success isn't as full as you might think because it took too long to get it
Step 3. Think about broken promises or broken commitments
Passive-aggressive people make various commitments, but then fail to fulfill them in an attempt to retaliate. Most of the time they don't keep their word to discourage others.
For example, a friend might agree to help you with some housework, but then he sends you a message telling you that he is not feeling well and cannot come that morning. While it's understandable if it's an isolated episode, his aggression is likely to be passive if he always makes some excuse not to come and help you
Step 4. Watch out for pouting, isolation, and unexpressed feelings
Passive-aggressive behavior is characterized by a refusal to talk about things that make you nervous. Those who are passive-aggressive claim to be well, when in reality they are furious in their soul.
- For example, a passive-aggressive friend might insist, “I'm not angry!” When it is clear that she is, remain silent during an argument or avoid answering your calls or messages.
- On the other hand, some people have a hard time expressing and talking about their feelings, but they don't necessarily have to be passive-aggressive. When a person is really passive-aggressive, he proves grumpy or isolates himself, but also manifests other typical traits of passive aggression, especially the tendency to lash out at his victim or to ruin the relationship over time.
Step 5. Consider how the subject treats others
At the beginning of a relationship, even an extremely passive-aggressive person can control his unhealthy tendencies towards his partner. However, you can tell if that person is communicating in a balanced or passive-aggressive way by looking at the way he treats others, especially his exes or figures who hold some authority, such as parents or boss.
- Do you speak ill of others, but never discuss with them how they annoy you? Does it ruin your relationships with others? Does he hang out with people and then let them down? Does he not express affection or show attention or use his children to negotiate (for example, in his relationship with his ex-husband or his parents)? These are typical characteristics of a passive-aggressive personality.
- Remember that while a friend or partner doesn't behave badly towards you, once they become more comfortable, they are more likely to treat you the same way they treat others.
Step 6. Pay attention to sarcasm
While many people use sarcasm as a form of humor, those who are always sarcastic may mask their difficulty in expressing what they actually feel.
Remember that passive-aggressive behavior is characterized by the difficulty of expressing feelings at a given moment, so the subject represses his frustration or anger and then acts later. He may express frustration and anger with sarcastic jokes, especially if offensive or stinging
Step 7. Look for any patterns
All the hallmarks of passive-aggressive behavior, including sarcasm, broken promises, excuses, attempts to avoid you, and the victim complex, are behaviors that even the most balanced people can exhibit from time to time.
The problem arises when such behaviors come to constitute a fixed pattern or interfere in relationships due to their regular frequency
Part 2 of 3: Confronting a Passive-Aggressive Person
Step 1. Be honest
Using direct, but neither harsh nor dramatic terms, clarify with the person in question how their behavior affected you. Try to focus on yourself and your feelings rather than your interlocutor. For example, instead of saying, "You ruined our work project", try to put it this way: "I noticed that our project was not the best and next time I would rather be sure that the results are better."
When you talk to someone and tell them that their behavior is hurting you, they are likely to deny everything (remember that passive-aggressive people don't like to talk about their feelings and even less to be criticized!). Just give the facts and give some examples, but be prepared for an attitude of rejection and reluctance
Step 2. Try to be understanding
A passive-aggressive person may suffer from low self-esteem or have problems that arose in childhood that prevent them from effectively communicating their feelings on an emotional level.
- If the person in front of you is inclined to open up a little and, for your part, you are willing not to judge him and to be understanding, talking together can help you understand the possible roots from which his passive-aggressive attitude derives.
- Ask a few questions about his childhood, his youth, his early relationships (especially those that may have ended badly) or other events in his life to try to understand if speaking has had negative consequences. Remember that the passive-aggressive attitude is often an adaptation strategy used by people who have experienced such unpleasant experiences that they feel helpless or desperate.
Step 3. Decide if this report is worth saving
Depending on the reactions of the person you confront when you point out their passive aggression, you may find that there is a very good chance of recovering the relationship or that they are too firm in their ways and are unlikely to change.
Many times, avoiding her is the only strategy you can use to avoid becoming a victim of her passive aggression. However, if she admits the problem and is willing to work to overcome it, there are many ways to improve your relationship that will allow you to practice communication strategies
Part 3 of 3: Communicating in Passive Aggressive Relationships
Step 1. Gain Confidence in yourself
A relationship needs trust in all its facets so that partners can communicate effectively, without assuming passive-aggressive attitudes.
- Trust Your Relationship: To feel confident enough that you can communicate what you really feel when you feel hurt, offended or upset, you need to believe that you will be accepted and loved no matter what you say or do. The development of trust within a relationship is a process that takes time and is perfected when each of the two comes to be a reliable and present person for the other in an unconditional way.
- Trust yourself: in order for a person to be able to express what he thinks, he must feel valued and believe that someone is interested in hearing his ideas and feelings. Especially a passive-aggressive partner has to make an effort to believe in himself in order to make his relationship or any other relationship work. Check out this article if you want to get some tips on how to trust yourself more.
Step 2. Learn to recognize your feelings
This step is critical for both people sharing a relationship characterized by passive aggression. Many times passive-aggressive subjects fail to recognize and identify their feelings correctly as they emerge, and only later do they come to reflect on various situations realizing that they were probably not at ease, they suffered and so on.
Learn how anger, sadness, discomfort, or other feelings physically manifest themselves. As soon as you feel an emotional reaction, pay attention to the parts of your body: your heart is beating, your palms starting to sweat? Do you feel pressure on your chest? Do you find it difficult to think clearly? Having trouble pronouncing words? Then reflect on the situation again and try to understand how you felt. By understanding your physical reactions that occurred at a given moment and relating them to how you felt, you will be able to pinpoint your emotions the next time they arise
Step 3. Establish new rules for communication
If a relationship has already suffered damage from past behaviors, such as passive-aggressive behaviors, it means that the old said or unspoken rules it was based on were clearly not working. It is important, therefore, to openly establish a new direction that governs the conduct of both of you so that you know what to expect.
- Be respectful. Establish mature and sensible rules in the event of an argument, such as a ban on slamming the door, addressing oneself with offensive epithets, being sarcastic, insulting, threatening, or doing anything else that in your eyes represents disrespect.
- Allow yourself the spaces you need. Recognize the fact that after a conflict some people need a period of reflection before they can clearly discuss what has happened and find solutions that satisfy both sides.
- Say what you think. It is important not to be "passive" and not to gloss over your state of mind. However, it can be difficult for someone with passive-aggressive tendencies to express what they are feeling. Alternatively, work out some strategies to ensure that everyone has the ease to say what they feel and need, without worrying about negative consequences. A good technique is to get everyone to write down what they feel. In this way you will be able to partially relieve the tension that arose in the heat of the moment.
Step 4. Don't be too permissive
It often happens that you gravitate to passive-aggressive friends or partners out of the psychological need to "correct" them or because a person's pathological behavior is perceived as something familiar and safe (for example, if you grew up with passive-aggressive parents, you may go in search of partners or friends who behave in the same way).
- You risk validating passive-aggressive behavior on the part of your partner or a friend if you tend to cover him up, make excuses for his bad behavior or every time he doesn't keep his promises, and "save" him from bad choices.
- Also, you might encourage his attitude if you take on the role of the silent victim, don't point out his behavior, and allow him to get away with it when he mistreats you. This will let him know that you do not question his actions when they are incorrect.
- You may even encourage passive aggression if you punish him when he tells you what he thinks. Do you sulk or get angry if he tells you he doesn't want to go out? This behavior could lead them to make excuses or to break their word for fear of irritating you. Likewise, if you refuse to discuss how they feel, it is possible that they will not open up to you, but they will likely begin to hold a grudge.
