Dealing with difficult relatives can be… well, difficult. Staying calm is the key to staving off bad moods, insults and attacks launched by someone. By refusing to lower yourself to their level, you will deprive them of the fuel that powers them and keep your sanity intact.
Steps
Step 1. Set your limits
While it can be hard to admit at times, we all set boundaries in our relationships. Think about who is not being mistreated, you recognize them immediately. He is the person who has set limits that you cannot overcome. And no matter how annoying you are that this person doesn't give in to your demands, you will always have respect for them. You too can take this path, you must set precise limits in your mind, and you must reaffirm yourself whenever there is someone who has not understood the hint and tries to surpass them. Here's how to restore balance and be able to deal with people with difficult personalities. If you feel that you have things under control, take away the power of those who manipulate, judge, complain or victimize themselves to make you feel guilty. It is important to realize that even if it is not possible to change others, you can always change the way you react towards them.
- Understand that it is your right to meet your needs and keep your sense of well-being intact. A relationship in which you feel violated is never healthy and does not deserve to be indulged.
- Set limits that must never be exceeded, ones that could make you feel violated if they were exceeded. For example, if your privacy matters a lot to you, but a relative insists on showing up at your home without warning, this could be the clear dividing line.
- Know that you are not alone. All over the world people are reconsidering their relationships with people who always ask and never give. Unfortunately, when we surrender to people who ask all the time, this pattern is indelibly fixed and passed on to the whole family, with an unmotivated complacency that is passed on as a baggage to those relatives who have never learned to set boundaries. You may decide to break this circle, and while this may create discontent, know that this is solely due to the realization that you are criticizing them for their manipulative behavior.
Step 2. Verbalize your boundaries
The unspoken things tend to be interpreted as a pass from the actions and expectations of the other. You will have to tell her, but don't worry, it is a skill that anyone can learn. It can be very helpful to use non-violent communication techniques, in which you observe the situation, recognize your feelings, determine your needs (such as the need for space, not to be verbally abused, etc.) and then formulate the request that this behavior towards you changes or ceases.
- Expect surprise reactions, you may also notice that the person pretends nothing has happened. Many people have gone on for years without showing their suffering, irritation and discontent towards another person. The annoyance is swallowed, or deflated, and can even make you blame the wrong people (how many times have you taken it out on your children for being bullying with Aunt Maria, but never asked Aunt Maria to consider impact of his actions and words on you and your family?). For this reason, you may find that the other person does not take you seriously at first, when you begin to establish your limits.
- In some cases there may be a (usually simulated) "shock" reaction to the simple proposal, which you have dared to put forward, to place restrictions on this behavior. Let that person react as they want, but stay on your track. It may take a while before this person realizes that you have really changed your way of doing things.
Step 3. Enforce your limits
At first try to enforce them with kindness and compassion, after all you may have let a certain behavior run for years, and it is partially your fault if this relative of yours did not understand how to behave with you. But if that fails, and your relative doesn't respond appropriately to polite reminders, here's an appropriate approach to enforcing your boundaries:
- Tell that person that in the next 30 days they intend to strictly enforce the limits you have set.
- Let that person understand that if they violate your limits even once during this time frame, then you will proceed to interrupt all types of communication for 30 days. You won't have any contact with that person for 30 days. No surprise visits (if he shows up, say firmly, "I'm sorry, but we're not ready to receive visitors yet. Also we can't hear from each other during this time, remember? This is to help you with the new rules."), None call, no email, nothing. Unless it is extremely necessary.
- After 30 days, you can start enforcing your limits again for 30 days and repeat the process.
Step 4. Be completely transparent about what you are doing as you try to set new rules for future interactions
Let the other know that you are using this means because they have left you no other choice. Remind her that you have tried many times to explain how important they were, but that those attempts have been ignored. Say you want to start over, so that a relationship develops that you can both enjoy, and that by taking a 30-day break you hope to be able to start over in a clear way, with both of you knowing how to respect the limits. of each other.
- The first time you set up a 30-day break it may be followed by an evening of contact attempts. You will have to reject these attempts by not responding to any of it. Hopefully, these attempts will run out, and you can complete the 30-day break in peace.
- However, if your relative is unstoppable and does not comply with your request, then you will need to inform him that you intend to take stronger measures. Reset the calendar. From now on, whenever that person tries to contact you during the 30-day break period, the calendar reverts to day 1. Make sure your relative knows this rule and understands what the consequences of violating it are.
Step 5. Break off the relationship when there is no hope of being able to establish better interactions
If the rules are broken more than a couple of times and you understand that the other person has no intention of accepting your limits in any case, even though you are trying to enforce them, then it's over. If the other person can't even meet a 30-day deadline, what kind of future could you have together? It just means that your limits would be violated for as long as you allow this relationship to continue to exist in its current form.
It may seem a bit rigorous, but remember that before reaching this point you had already clearly expressed your needs to the other person, and you were trampled on. You owe it to yourself, take a step back and see if you really want to continue this relationship. The break period is for both of you to reconsider your relationship from the outside. It is also the profound breaking of a pattern that makes the other understand with certainty that he has crossed an insurmountable limit, and when it is too much, it is too much
Step 6. Disarm the primary weapon:
The sense of guilt. If the other person tries to use the sense of guilt as a manipulative tool (and a very common thing), it is very easy to prevail. When you perceive that the other person is trying to manipulate your emotions by making you feel guilty, slam it in their face and ask, "It's not that you are trying to make me feel guilty, are you?". The other person will probably try to deny, but that pattern will soon re-emerge. Keep breaking this pattern that leads you to fall into guilt by letting that person know that they are using emotional manipulative tactics. Keep asking questions like, “Why do you find it necessary to use guilt as a tool of manipulation?” Or, “You must be very sorry if you think you need to try to make me feel guilty to get what you want. Can we discuss it in a more mature way?”. There is no need to scourge that person, but you have to make them stop using guilt as a weapon, once and for all. If you refuse to feel guilt, you will be able to remain more objective and will be more compassionate because you will understand that that person is resorting to guilt because they feel helpless. If you can highlight this weakness, you have the opportunity to improve this relationship.
Step 7. Reevaluate this relationship
If this person refuses to change the way they relate to you, think seriously about how profitable continuing this type of relationship can be. You may find that you cling to certain beliefs that only perpetuate the problem. If you act on the belief that family is forever and that you must remain loyal to all your relatives and spend a lot of time with them, this is your choice, and you are free to believe it or not. If you find that you have family relationships that are incompatible with who you are and who you express, then excessive loyalty to the family could be disabling. Think deeply about your beliefs about family and loyalty, and consider the following:
- You probably would never have tolerated behavior from a stranger like that perpetrated by a relative. Excluding a family member from your life could make you feel guilty, or it could cause other family members to react negatively. But try to ask yourself honestly, "Why do I have to tolerate this behavior from a member of my family when I would have refused to tolerate it if he was a stranger?"
- Identify the nature of the external conflicts you face and translate it into their internal counterparts. For example, if a family member is too domineering towards you, translate the problem into terms of internal feelings. You feel that you "can't control" the relationship with this member of your family. When you identify the problem as external, the solutions you take may take wrong forms, for example you may try to control others, and of course you will encounter strong resistance. But when you identify the problem as internal, it's much easier to fix. If another person shows authoritarian behavior towards you, you may not be able to change the way that person interacts with you. However, if you feel you need more control in your life, you can do something to change your reactions without needing to control others.
- Family relationships can be complex, and eliminating a person from your life can mean losing someone you really want to have an intimate relationship with. Decide if it's really worth it, in other words, if you only have to see this person two or three times a year, consider letting certain things slip on you. Although you want to be the captain of your life, it won't be so unpleasant to put up with that person for a few hours, in fact, you have a greater reward if it makes other relatives happy.
Step 8. Decide to love and to let go
You can love your relatives without having pedantic relationships. Perhaps your values and your lifestyle have distanced themselves so much from theirs that there are no longer the basic conditions for being compatible and forming strong bonds. Even though it is the family you grew up with and share many memories with, your values are so different from theirs that you can no longer consider those family relationships important. Despite all these differences, you can always get along with each other, but your differences create such a deep difference that you have to decide to be relatives without being friends. That's fine, it happens, and you can decide to be and do what you really believe in your relationships.
Advice
When you realize that there are these patterns and that you do not have the power to enforce your limits, such as with a relative of your partner, and he or she has no intention of confronting the problem, then you must enforce a he or she limits these. You need to make it clear to your partner to talk to their relatives, to stand up for yourself and your relationship, and to make it clear to their relatives that you must be respected, and that if they don't, you two will never visit them again. This has the benefit of making your partner grow (albeit with a few screams) and make him understand that your needs come before those of the "mommy". Some people need a good kick to get out of childhood and into adult life, especially in their 20s. In the long run, your partner will be grateful to you for giving him a backbone
Warnings
- Remember that other relatives may blame you. "How can you talk to Aunt Maria like that?" Don't apologize for taking a stand. Remember that in many cases the shock comes from a form of envy, as those same people are unable to set impassable limits. In addition, very manipulative people rely on the complicity of others who support this way they do and expect this kind of "loyalty" when their reprehensible behavior comes to the surface. Be strong, you are doing the right thing.
- If your limits are reasonable, and the person is unwilling or unable to abide by them, that's it. In most situations it would be stupid to continue such a relationship. It would only end up corroding the respect you have for yourself.
