Passive aggression indicates an indirect manifestation of anger by which one individual tries to subtly upset or hurt another. The problem is that those who use it can easily deny that they are misbehaving. Often, people act passively-aggressively because they have not learned to deal with differences and conflict situations appropriately. However, there are some ways to help them reflect on their behavior and manage passive aggression through proper communication.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Identifying Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Step 1. Recognize the signs of passive aggression
The insidious nature of this attitude lies in the fact that the person who assumes it denies behaving in this way by means of plausible explanations. During a confrontation, he may say that he does not know what he is talking about or accuse the other person of overreacting. Therefore, stay focused on your feelings and learn to identify this type of aggression.
- Those who manifest passive-aggressive behavior could object and respond in a sarcastic way, express criticisms that are too harsh, show a momentary condescension (agrees in words, but decides to postpone what you have asked him to do), be intentionally inefficient (agrees to doing something, but unwillingly), letting a problem degenerate without intervening and taking pleasure in the anguish that follows, having deliberately devious gestures to take revenge, being treated unfairly and using the tactics of silence. "I'm not crazy" and "I was just kidding" are among the most common phrases spoken by passive-aggressive people.
- Other signs of passive aggression include hostility to a request that interferes with personal programs, even if it is made with discretion, dislike of people who are more fortunate or who enjoy some authority, the need to postpone the requests of others, the deliberate tendency to do poorly at work for others, to behave in a cynical, grumpy, or argumentative manner, and to complain of low regard on the part of people.
- Passive-aggressive behavior is defined as an undeclared opposition to the demands of others and a way to avoid direct confrontation. The biggest problem lies in the fact of avoiding an explicit exchange of views.
Step 2. Make sure you don't overdo it
In front of you you might have a person who is trying to get on your nerves, but it's also possible that your suspicions lead you to take their behavior personally. Analyze your insecurities: in the past were you used to dealing with complicated people? Does this person remind you of those situations? Do you assume that he is behaving like others have done to you in the past?
- Put yourself in his shoes. Admitting his point of view, do you think a reasonable person could act in the same way in similar circumstances?
- Also, keep in mind that some may be chronic latecomers or complete their tasks very slowly because they suffer from some disorder, such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Don't assume right away that their behavior is actually directed towards you.
Step 3. Pay attention to how you feel around this person
Handling a passive-aggressive person can generate frustration, anger, and even a sense of hopelessness. You may get the impression that nothing you say or do can satisfy him.
- You may suffer from being the victim of passive-aggressive behavior. For example, the other person pouts you and doesn't talk.
- You may feel frustrated because he complains often, but he never seems to take any steps to improve his situation. Trust your instincts.
- When in contact with this person, you may feel tired or down in the dumps because you have put so much energy into trying to manage their passive aggression.
Part 2 of 3: Reacting to Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Step 1. Maintain a positive attitude at all times
The power of positive thinking helps you cope with everyday life. The passive-aggressive subject tries to drag those around him into a spiral of negativity. Sometimes, he wants to elicit negative reactions so that he can return to focus on his victim without being accused of doing so. Don't let that happen.
- Staying positive means not going down to its level. Don't reciprocate by being passive-aggressive. Don't insult him, don't shout and don't visibly lose your temper. By maintaining a positive attitude, you will be able to stay focused on your actions, not hers. On the other hand, if you get angry, you will divert your attention from the real problems.
- Try to behave yourself. Whether you are dealing with a child or an adult, deal with conflict situations so that others understand how they should interact with you. Passive aggression gives vent to emotions behind a mask of indifference. Instead of doing this, express your feelings openly, honestly, and directly. When you are faced with passive-aggressive behavior, such as sulking, let the discussion take a more constructive turn.
Step 2. Always stay calm
If you are upset, calm down before facing a problem (walk, turn up the music and dance, do the crossword puzzles), then try to figure out exactly which is the best path to take in order to arrive at a reasonable and acceptable solution.
- Never overreact, especially if you are angry. Also, do not directly accuse anyone of being passive-aggressive, otherwise you will put them in a position to deny everything and accuse you of misunderstanding, being too sensitive or suspicious.
- Don't lose your temper no matter what happens. Don't let the other person know that he or she got you pissed off, or you will reinforce their behavior and fuel the risk of it happening again.
- Resist the urge to openly express your anger or any other exaggerated emotional reaction. If you take on a more controlled air, you will give the impression of being a person who does not allow himself to be bossed around.
Step 3. Discuss the problem
Assuming that you have some emotional stability, that you know how to be respected and that you are the calm type, the best approach is to simply express what appears on the surface, saying for example, "I may be wrong, but it seems to me that you are. upset that Davide was not invited to the party. Do you want to talk about it? ".
- Be direct and specific. Passive-aggressive people can distort your speech by using subtleties when you speak too broadly or vaguely. If you are confronted with such a subject, be clear about the problem to be addressed.
- One of the dangers that could arise during a confrontation is to generalize, saying for example: "You are always like this!". This way you won't go anywhere, so it's important to confront the person about a certain behavior. For example, if punishing yourself with silence gets on your nerves, give an example of an episode in which he pouted you and explain how you felt at that moment.
Step 4. Try to encourage the person to acknowledge that they are nervous
Do this without coming to a fight, but firmly, for example by saying, "You look pretty upset right now" or "I feel like something is bothering you."
- Express what feelings his behavior arouses in you. For example, you might say, "When you talk to me harshly, I feel bad and I feel like you're scolding me." In this way, he will realize the effect that such an attitude has on you. Focus on what you are feeling and avoid using language that could accuse and punish those in front of you.
- Speak in first person. When arguing with someone, especially during an argument, try to use first-person language. For example, instead of saying, "You're so rude," you might say, "I felt bad after you slammed the door because I thought you didn't want to listen to me." The first sentence is in the second person and, usually, speaking in this way, guilt, judgments or accusations are insinuated. On the contrary, first-person sentences allow you to express your mood without pointing the finger at the interlocutor.
- Passive-aggressive people revolve around the main topic. Don't act the same way. Try to be direct but friendly, honest but kind. However, you don't have to play down what is happening.
Part 3 of 3: Protecting yourself from a Passive-Aggressive Attitude
Step 1. Set boundaries with the passive-aggressive person
While you don't have to come up with a heated confrontation, you don't have to act as a punching bag either. Passive aggression can be very harmful and become a form of abuse. You have every right to set limits.
- One of the biggest mistakes people make is being too lenient. Once you give in to passive-aggressive behavior, you no longer have any choice. It is essentially a power struggle. You can remain calm and positive, while remaining adamant about how much you are willing to accept.
- Respect the established limits. Make it clear that you don't tolerate being mistreated. If a person is constantly running late and annoying you, let them know that the next time they don't show up on time, you will go alone without them. This will let her know that you are no longer willing to suffer the consequences of her behavior.
Step 2. Reflect on the underlying problem and address it
The best way to deal with passive-aggressive behavior is to identify all possible changes. The best thing to do is to trace the source of the anger.
- If it's someone who doesn't get nervous easily, talk to someone who knows them well enough to tell you what makes them angry and tell you what signs they show when they're angry.
- Dig deep and honestly evaluate anything that could trigger passive aggression. Passive-aggressive behavior is usually a symptom of some other illness.
Step 3. Learn to communicate assertively
There is aggressive communication, passive communication and passive-aggressive communication. The latter two are not as effective as the former.
- Communicating assertively means asserting yourself without being touchy and having respect. Be confident, cooperate, and make it clear that you intend to resolve the issue to the satisfaction of both parties.
- During the conversation it is also important to listen and not to accuse or attribute blame. Take the other person's point of view into account and acknowledge it. Accept his mood, even if you think he was wrong.
Step 4. Know when to completely avoid the other person
If he almost always behaves passively-aggressively towards you, know that you have every right to walk away from him. Your well-being is above all else.
- Find ways to spend less time together and try to interact with her in the presence of other people. Avoid talking to her face to face.
- If she does nothing more than send you negative energies, ask yourself if she is worth dating.
Step 5. Give little information that he could use against you
Do not reveal personal information, emotions, or thoughts to a passive-aggressive person.
- He may ask you questions about your life that seem innocent or express a polite interest. Answer, but avoid giving detailed information. Don't go too far and stay vague without giving up being friendly.
- Avoid topics that are more sensitive or that reveal your personal weaknesses. Passive-aggressive individuals tend to remember these details, sometimes even the most irrelevant details, and later find ways to use them against their victim.
Step 6. Get help from an intermediary or arbitrator
It should be an impartial third person, whether it be the HR manager, a close relative (as long as objective) or even a mutual friend. The important thing is to resort to the intervention of someone whom even the passive-aggressive person can trust.
- Before meeting with the broker, make sure you give them a list that contains your main concerns. Try to see the situation from the other side's point of view and understand why she is so angry. Don't be obnoxious or passive-aggressive about pushing you away while you're trying to help her out.
- When you have to deal with a passive-aggressive person, he may say, "Relax! I was joking" or "You take things too seriously." This is why the intervention of a third party allows you to better manage the situation.
Step 7. See what the consequences might be if he persists with his behavior
Since passive-aggressive individuals act quietly, they often object when their behavior is questioned. Denying, making excuses, and pointing fingers at are just some of the more likely reactions.
- Regardless of what it says, state what you are willing to do in the future. What matters most is to outline what the most serious consequences could be in order to force the passive-aggressive subject to reconsider his behavior.
- The ability to identify possible repercussions and act accordingly allows you to effectively "dismantle" a passive-aggressive person. By explaining them properly, you will be able to calm a complicated individual and encourage him to move from hostile to more cooperative.
Step 8. Encourage more correct or appropriate behavior
In behavioral psychology, reinforcement is something that is done or given to a person after they have engaged in a certain conduct. The goal of this method is to increase the frequency with which it behaves in a certain way.
- For example, you could offer a reward for engaging in correct behavior that you wish it would repeat, or punish a misconduct that you would prefer to eliminate. Positive reinforcement is an easier method to explain than to apply, because bad attitudes are more obvious than good ones. Therefore, pay attention to the latter so that you can use every opportunity to encourage them.
- For example, if a passive-aggressive person is open and honest about what they feel ("I have the impression that you are treating me on purpose!") It is better! Encourage such behavior by saying, "Thank you for sharing your feelings with me. I really appreciate it when you tell me how you feel."
- This will encourage her to behave well and express what she is feeling. At this point you can begin to open a dialogue with her.
Advice
- If you grumble, scold or get angry, you risk exasperating and will give your partner more justifications and holds that he can hold on to to deny his responsibilities.
- When you give in to your partner's tactics or take on their responsibilities, you're only encouraging passive-aggressive behaviors.
- People who engage in this behavior often feel a sense of personal pride in being able to control their emotions.
