The term "passive-aggressive" was first used after the Second World War to describe the attitude of soldiers who went against authority in a way that was anything but overt. Passive-aggressive behavior conceals indirect opposition to authority or breeds hidden resentment towards someone. Those with this attitude usually try to avoid conflict. Even when it is subversive it can go unnoticed because latent frustrations are masked by surface courtesy. However, anger tends to surface as events reach a point of no return. By understanding and modifying this behavior, you can make progress in order to improve your career and lead a healthier and happier social life.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Identifying the Passive-Aggressive Tendency
Step 1. Write down your behaviors
The diary is a useful means of identifying, evaluating and correcting one's behavior. It can help you determine the factors that cause you to act in this way, encourage you to genuinely consider your reactions, and understand how you would like to change them.
Step 2. Learn about the phases that make up passive-aggressive behavior in a cyclical manner
There is a style in which passive-aggressive conflict occurs in people who have this behavioral tendency.
- There first phase it is the development of passive-aggressive attitudes. As individuals acquire social skills and abilities, individuals are led to think that direct manifestations of anger are dangerous and should therefore be avoided. Consequently, they solve the problem by disguising resentment with passive-aggressive behavior.
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There second phase it is characterized by a stressful situation that triggers irrational thoughts based on previous experiences.
For example, if a professor asks to distribute assignments to a student who has not been appreciated in such situations in the past, the student may project his or her past experience into similar later circumstances. Instead of feeling honored that someone has asked for help, resent that this request triggers a backlash
- There third stage it occurs when the passive-aggressive individual denies his anger, coming to project negative feelings on other people and feed resentment towards them.
- There fourth stage it consists in the manifestation of passive-aggressive behavior. It includes (but is not limited to): denying anger, isolating yourself, sulking, being grumpy, putting off, doing your homework badly, and meditating revenge.
- There fifth stage it is made up of the reactions of others. Typically, people react negatively to passive-aggressive behavior and, often, that's what the aggressor hopes for. This situation consolidates his conduct and the cycle begins again.
Step 3. Identify episodes in which you have acted passively-aggressively
If you start to remember all the times you have exhibited this type of behavior, you may be disheartened. Rather, bring to mind 3 or 4 episodes in which you realized you hired him.
- Ask yourself if you've ever behaved passively-aggressively at work. There are four particular behaviors that indicate passive-aggressive habits in the workplace: momentary complacency, intentional inefficiency, escalation of the problem, and hidden but conscious revenge.
- If you are trying to reconstruct your passive-aggressive behaviors, the best place to start is the working one.
Step 4. Review and analyze what happened
It is important to identify and eliminate the wrong mental patterns, rooted from the earliest stages of one's life. To get rid of them, we must first reflect on the moments and ways in which these mental patterns manifest themselves. Look back and try to remember various details that characterize your behavior. You should observe situations by abstracting yourself, so that you are as objective as possible. If emotion starts to take over, take a deep breath and clear your mind before continuing. Don't neglect your role in what happened. Your purpose is to examine the circumstances and motives that highlight your passive-aggressive attitudes. Ask yourself the following questions:
- Who were the other parties involved? What were your relationships (e.g. boss, colleague, friend, parent, roommate, teacher)? Were they in a position of superiority to you or equivalent to yours? Did you have a decision-making role?
- Where did it happen? For example, at work, at home, at school, at a party, at a game or in an association?
- When did it happen? Sometimes, the timing is important, such as the start of the school year or during the holiday season.
- How did the situation arise? Was there a particular trigger or did various events follow one another? How did the actions and reactions alternate?
- How did the episode end? Was the ending what you hoped would happen as a result of your negative behavior? What were the reactions of others?
Step 5. Examine your passive-aggressive reactions during these episodes
Generally, this type of behavior manifests itself in the form of intentional contradictions between what you say (passive) and what you actually do (aggressive). Here are some typical manifestations of passive-aggressive behavior:
- Openly offer support, but tacitly oppose, postpone or prejudice the fulfillment of social and work duties;
- Accepting to do something and not getting it done or pretending to have forgotten it;
- Stop speaking to a particular person without knowing why;
- To please people face to face, but denigrate them from behind;
- Not knowing how to express one's feelings and desires, but expecting others to understand them;
- Accompanying positive comments with sarcasm or negative body language
- Complain about being misunderstood and underappreciated by others;
- Being grumpy and argumentative without offering constructive ideas;
- Blaming others for everything by avoiding taking responsibility;
- Criticizing and despising authority with peers without objectivity;
- React covertly and dishonestly to an unwelcome authority;
- Repressing emotions for fear of quarrels, failures or disappointments;
- Show envy and resentment towards those who seem more fortunate;
- Complaining continuously and excessively about one's personal misfortunes;
- Alternating contempt and remorse;
- Expect negative results before you even get to work.
Step 6. Identify your behavioral patterns
Analyzing the way you have acted so far, have you noticed repeated reactions on your part in front of certain situations or people? Was the epilogue almost the same? Did other people always react the same way to your behavior? Did you feel better or worse in the end? Think about how to make the most of these patterns.
Step 7. Accept your emotions
Denying what you really feel is at the heart of the problem that produces passive-aggressive tendencies. You don't want others to know that you are angry, hurt, or resentful, so you act like you aren't. Emotion takes over and you lose your clarity because you can't find the right outlet for what you are feeling. Therefore, you need to give yourself the opportunity to perceive and recognize your emotions so that you can manage them in a healthier way.
Step 8. Cultivate self-awareness
You have to be honest with yourself to understand your reasons for harboring negative feelings. Did you take it for a comment from your colleague? Did you feel compelled to do something you didn't want to do? Did your boss not recognize the contribution you made to the last project? Did a friend get a higher grade than yours when you thought they didn't deserve it? Go deep and find out what you really want.
Part 2 of 4: Moderating Passive-Aggressive Trends
Step 1. Recognize your passive-aggressive behaviors
The first step to change this attitude is to become aware of it. Notice if you tend to isolate yourself from others, sulk, do your homework poorly (on purpose), be stubborn, and put off. The chronicity of this trend indicates that it has not developed overnight, so it takes time and determination to change it.
Step 2. Listen and observe
Communication is as much about listening and understanding unwritten messages as it is about speaking openly and directly. Consider what your interlocutor is saying or not saying in response to your actions. He may be as passive-aggressive as you are. Look at things from a different perspective. Are you overreacting? Take a step back and analyze the situation again.
Step 3. Avoid sarcasm
Sarcasm is the means by which passive-aggressive subjects fall back, worsening already critical situations. Here are the most common phrases to avoid:
- "As you like";
- "Everything is fine";
- "Why are you so upset?";
- "Just kidding".
Step 4. Avoid momentary complacency
In the workplace, an employee can adopt a very particular passive-aggressive attitude, called momentary complacency, or when he accepts a task and then finishes it late. They may work slower because they postpone, arrive late to meetings, or lose important documents. Typically, employees adopt this type of attitude when they don't feel valued at work, but can't adequately express that feeling.
- If you find yourself pleasing people momentarily, try to figure out if you are doing it because you don't feel appreciated.
- This behavior can also occur at home. For example, promise your partner that you will wash the dishes and then send back to bother her on purpose.
Step 5. Admit your intentional inefficiency
By intentional inefficiency we mean a person who places more emphasis on being hostile than showing his competence. For example, an employee continues to produce in the same quantity, but decreasing in quality. If pointed out to him, he would assume a victim-like attitude. This conduct can be harmful to both the company and its reputation.
- By recognizing this behavioral pattern, you can begin to moderate passive-aggressive attitudes at work and, consequently, advance in the professional field.
- At home, this attitude could manifest itself in various forms: for example, you voluntarily take a long time to wash the dishes or do it carelessly so that your partner is forced to wash them again before putting them away.
Step 6. Don't let the problems escalate
It is passive-aggressive behavior whereby you refuse to face a problem, causing it to grow to gangrenous.
- For example, in the workplace you tend to postpone and abuse sick days or holidays.
- At home you may refuse to wash the dishes for so long that you pile up a giant pile of dishes in the sink and on the kitchen counter forcing everyone to eat on the plastic plates because there are no clean vessels. Probably in this scenario the partner is also angry with you.
Step 7. Recognize hidden but conscious revenge
It means that a subject secretly tries to sabotage the person who hurt him. It can take the form of gossip or other hidden boycott gestures.
- In the office, you could spread rumors about someone you believe you have been wronged by, compromising your professionalism and reputation.
- At home, you may be trying to win your children's favor and turn them against the other parent.
- Avoid self-denigration. It is a habit that harms oneself in an attempt to take revenge on the person who caused a wrong.
- For example, a student who fails an exam to make a teacher pay for it or an athlete who intentionally loses a game to take revenge on the coach.
- At work it can happen that an employee intentionally loses a customer or causes a project to fail to take revenge for the company, even if the personal damage is equally great.
Part 3 of 4: Adopting Healthier Mental Habits
Step 1. Give yourself time to change
Changing an acquired behavior over time takes a lot of effort and dedication. Remember that this is not always a linear process. Don't be afraid to start over and re-evaluate your behavior. At the same time, don't be too hard on yourself if you're not able at first. The more you train and smooth out your passive-aggressive behavior, the more likely you are to change it. If you find yourself going astray between attempts, take a break to reflect on what is happening. Ask yourself:
- Can you identify the reasons why you are taking a step backwards?
- Do you need a break and take a different approach to change a certain attitude?
- Is there a feeling or emotional reaction that you have not yet recognized or processed?
Step 2. Learn to be assertive and express yourself sincerely and respectfully
Once you have considered what is bothering you, you can start making your voice heard and saying what you think. Practice finding the right words without getting carried away by the heat of the moment. Listen to yourself to understand the impression you might give. You can be strong and direct without hurting your interlocutor. Take responsibility for what you say and communicate what you feel in a positive way. At first, opening up in this way may make you feel more vulnerable, but you will gain confidence over time.
- For example, you might get annoyed if someone at work always gets the last cup of coffee and never brews it for others. Instead of silently getting angry until the situation escalates, express what you think by saying, "Since you're having your last cup of coffee, would you mind making more so that we can all drink it too during the break? Thanks!".
- At home, you may want to clarify what you expect from your partner. If he has to wash the dishes after dinner and he doesn't, try saying, "I know you are tired after a day's work, but we agreed that if I cooked you would wash the dishes. we can do it, but I think we should assign the daily chores equally."
Step 3. Understand that arguing is normal
It is not uncommon to have differences. Often it is not even a matter of disagreements, but only of misunderstandings. Generally, there is no risk of tempering anger and making discussions more constructive and positive. Hence, you can show your disagreement in an agreeable way and come to a compromise that guarantees win-win results for both parties. In this way, you are able to take control of the situation instead of losing it by taking a passive-aggressive attitude.
- At work, you may disagree with someone on the method of managing a project. You may prefer to reflect and develop a plan, while the colleague would like to take action directly and start imagining the end result without first considering the various steps. Instead of getting upset or annoyed, invite him to talk about your differences regarding which approach to use. You may not be able to come to an agreement, but you can divide the work in order to take advantage of both your strengths: planning and inventiveness.
- When you talk to your partner at home, you may find that you have given them a task that they hate. Try to agree by choosing the matters that each of you likes the most. Maybe they agree to vacuuming, cooking, and taking out the trash in exchange for stopping washing the dishes.
Step 4. Choose success
Avoid chasing negative results, but change your perspective by trying to hit the target. Some people like to admit they were wrong so they don't feed others' expectations, not even their own. If you have passive-aggressive behavior in the workplace because you feel unappreciated, try being proud of what you do. If you can, make changes to feel more gratified.
Step 5. Be proud of your achievements
Even if you make slow but positive progress, realize that you are still correcting the way you act. By giving up the typical passive-aggressive reactions, you are demolishing the defensive behaviors that have been in place for years. So, it's normal for you to feel a little insecure. If you are able to communicate what you think clearly, you will be more effective and will be able to consolidate your relationships.
Part 4 of 4: Getting Help When You Need It
Step 1. Get help when you need it
Don't be afraid to hire a mental health professional. Passive-aggressive behavior often has deep roots and more than effort is needed to change it. Psychotherapy can help you resolve some of the more deep-seated problems that may arise.
Step 2. Learn about passive-aggressive personality disorder
It is still a matter of debate whether it is a personality disorder. Some professionals on the subject insist on considering it a real ailment, while others argue the opposite. Regardless of its official recognition by the scientific community, you should seek professional advice if you feel you cannot control your passive aggression.
Step 3. Be aware of the risk of depression or suicidal tendency
According to some studies, those suffering from passive-aggressive personality disorder are more exposed to the risk of depression and suicidal tendency. If you have these problems, don't hesitate to get help! You can contact the ASL psychologist or call Telefono Amico on 199 284 284.
Advice
- If the passive-aggressive behavior is so ingrained that you cannot manage it on your own, you may want to consult a psychologist and follow appropriate therapy.
- Passive-aggressive behavior is usually fueled by other factors as well, such as the desire to be perfect or the fear of failure, success or rejection. It is necessary to analyze these aspects to understand the motivations behind gestures and words.
