Society often considers men to be the perpetrators of domestic violence. In fact, even women can be violent. If you are in a relationship with an abusive woman, you need to learn to protect yourself and everyone else in the house. Learn your rights in this type of situation and what you can do to get help.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Protecting Yourself (and Others) from a Violent Partner
Step 1. Think safety first
If your spouse is acting violently towards you or someone else in the house, the first thing you need to do is get yourself (and any other innocent) to a safe place. It could be a locked room somewhere else in the house, at a neighbor's house or at the police station. If he gets close to you, try to protect yourself as much as possible without causing retaliation as this can make you consider yourself a culprit too.
- If there are children in the house, advise them to go to your "safe zone" whenever there is yelling or other signs of violent behavior.
- If you think you are in danger, call emergency services immediately.
Step 2. Trust someone you trust
The first step in getting out of it is often letting others know that you are in an abusive relationship and that you need support and help.
- In addition to telling someone you trust, it can be helpful to ask them to help you find a way to leave. In general, you should collect money, copies of documents, and other items as you prepare to leave. A trusted friend can keep all of this for you.
- Collect any items you might need if you leave the house, such as your cell phone, separate checking account, and ID, so you don't have to stay indoors.
Step 3. Leave the relationship or home if you can
Check your options regarding separation, custody and other legal matters, so that we can coordinate according to your needs. If there are children in the house, make a plan for all of you to leave safely, if possible. This plan must take into account custody laws and what needs to happen so that you can take the children with you, if that's what you want.
Since abuse often follows the same cycle, you may be able to schedule your departure during a time when your partner thinks everything is "normal" and is perhaps less likely to imagine something will happen. If you have to leave during a violent episode, be careful because this is the time when you are most likely to face possible false accusations of being the perpetrator, or even being raped
Step 4. Document any offenses
You must protect yourself from retaliation in the form of false allegations of abuse by your partner; keeping a record of everything will help you in this case. If you keep a journal or other records, be sure to give a copy to a friend to keep them safe and away from home.
You could document the abuse by photographing the injuries you or other people have suffered, by having others write their testimony of what they witnessed, or by keeping a journal with dates, times and details of what happened. For this to be considered documentation of abuse, it is necessary to refrain from expressing opinions or making judgments. Stick to the facts
Step 5. Avoid taking revenge
This may actually be exactly what your partner is trying to push you to do. In some abusive relationships a woman may try to push her male partner to the point of reacting violently or seeking revenge. Depending on local laws, this type of action could land you in jail.
Documenting and not reacting to abuse is much safer for you in the long run, no matter how tempted you may be to respond to violence
Step 6. Apply to a support program for victims of domestic violence
Men are far less likely to report abuse because they are driven to think they are alone. Seeking help and support can instead show you how common your case is. Look for safe shelters, assistance programs, and other forms of support in your area.
Step 7. Consider designing a safety plan for when you leave
Having an action plan helps you prepare for all eventualities when you finally decide to leave the house. This plan should not only include your actions, but also let those close to you know what is going on. Your family, for example, should know if you are leaving with children and what to do if your partner calls them to look for you.
Many support programs have resources that can help prepare and refine a safety plan. This includes creating safe email addresses so your partner doesn't know where you've gone and other formal ways to protect yourself
Part 2 of 3: Know Your Rights
Step 1. Find out about the statistics regarding violence against men if you are a man
Men are abused in about 10% of homes, but often these abuses go unreported. The men who are abused come from a variety of backgrounds, sexual orientations and life situations.
Violent women are much more likely to use emotional control or abuse against male partners than the other way around
Step 2. Consult a family law attorney if you have children
It is wrong to assume that the woman will always keep the children: if you want your children to stay with you, fight for them. In most cases, you can file an emergency order that would allow you to take the children with you, if you can provide proof that this is better than being with their mother.
- The idea that the mother automatically gets custody is just a legend. When fathers ask for custody, in fact, they often get it. This includes situations where there has been no abuse. Don't give up, you have a good chance.
- In general, you have the right to leave home, but if you are married there may be legal actions you need to take to implement legal separation and custody. Without taking legal action, you may not have the right to leave simply by taking the children with you.
- Know the legal issues you need to address to avoid further threats or manipulation by your partner.
Step 3. Find out if these cases are being handled in your area
If you've been looking for support in your community, you may find information on local law enforcement and laws. It is in your best interest to work side by side with the legal system. You can get help with things like divorce papers or even a restraining order if you need it. Taking steps to know what to do right after you leave the home can help you avoid major problems facing children.
Part 3 of 3: Identifying Domestic Violence
Step 1. Think about how your partner talks to you
Abuse by a partner can come in many forms, in addition to the physical violence that is most often thought of when the expression "domestic abuse" is heard. Your partner's verbal interactions would be considered offensive if she:
- Use epithets, insult you or belittle you.
- He blames you for every rant and says you deserve to be treated this way.
- He tells you not to see family or friends yelling or making threats.
- She blames you every time you try to raise an issue (e.g. by trying to tell her that she hurt your feelings, and somehow you end up apologizing).
- He belittles you in front of others with the intent of hurting you by accusing you of being gay or not being able to have sexual performance.
- Engages in behaviors that try to isolate you and keep what's going on around the house a secret
Step 2. Notice if it aims to confuse you
Your partner may try to manipulate you into questioning your sanity, so that you have to rely on her to know what is real and what is not. He may accuse you of making things up or overreacting, and try to make you believe you can't tell fact from fiction. Could:
- Say "I never said / did" or "It never happened".
- Move things around and deny that anything has changed.
- Tell you to stop overreacting when you talk about a problem.
- Accusing you of being crazy or a liar (he could also tell other people this about you, to try to make them not listen to you).
Step 3. Ask yourself if your partner is threatening you
Threatening behaviors can be very subtle or more obvious. The threat can be physical, emotional, or sex-related. Examples of behaviors that can be considered threatening include:
- Tell you that if you try to leave, he will call the police to have you arrested for domestic violence or some other type of crime you didn't commit.
- Use your fear of losing contact with your children to keep you at home by telling yourself that you will never see them again if you behave in a way she doesn't like.
- Don't allow yourself to have contact with your family or friends unless you accept their requests or tell any of your quarrels.
- Promise yourself to hurt yourself or someone else if you leave her or don't obey her.
Step 4. Think about whether your partner often tries to control you
Controlling a person can be another form of abuse. Examples of such behaviors include:
- Restrict your access to the phone or other communications with the outside world, to the point that everything passes through her. This may also include checking your phone traffic and logging into your email accounts.
- Becoming jealous and overreacting even to insignificant contact with other women at public events or at work. These episodes can be used to justify hurting you physically or emotionally.
- Feel like you are always walking on eggs because it could explode at any moment.
- Manipulating yourself to stay in a relationship that is harmful to you by threatening to harm yourself or take your own life.
- Take control of family finances to the extent that you are unable to buy things for yourself without her approval or are forced to give her access to all the money you earn (without your consent).
Step 5. Think about whether your partner has ever physically hit you
Whether or not you are bigger than her doesn't matter: if she hit you, it can be considered abuse.
- Many men feel like they just have to endure without reacting to being hit by their partner, because a man should never hit a woman. This can be used as part of the manipulation.
- Depending on local laws, a woman who beats a man may be treated differently than the other way around. This can be used as a threat to keep this a secret. For example, he might tell you that if you call the police, it's always the man who gets arrested.
- Hitting can mean many things. It is physical abuse even if your partner pushes you, kicks, knocks you down or physically hurts you in any other way. It includes using an object as a weapon, such as throwing yourself a glass or hitting yourself with a belt. If your partner fails you on purpose, intending to scare you and subdue you, it is still abuse.
Step 6. Be aware that sexual abuse also exists
Statistically, women are more likely than men to use sex as a way to control their partners' behaviors. Unfortunately, this is also a type of abuse.
- Your partner may refuse sex (to punish you) or even threaten false accusations of sexual misconduct.
- Sex can be a form of abuse even if it uses it as a way to humiliate you or make you feel less of a man. This includes unwanted touching yourself, hurting yourself during sex, or forcing yourself to do something you don't want.
- You should always be able to freely say "no" (or use a safe word) without worrying about how she will react and make her respect your decision without getting mad at you for saying no.
Step 7. Consider whether your interactions form a recurring cycle
Your relationship doesn't always have to be terrible to be considered abusive. It is common for there to be periods of abuse followed by times when she apologizes a lot and appears willing to do whatever it takes to "win you back". Many times the best moments are in front of family members, who may therefore not understand you when you start talking about leaving.
- Consider tracking positive and negative interactions so you can spot patterns. Sometimes it is difficult to see in the moment that you are repeating the same cycle and that positive behaviors will soon give way to violent ones.
- A cycle of abuse usually follows this pattern: violence, guilt, apology, "normal" behavior, fantasy and then it starts all over again with violence.
- Knowing the pattern can also help you predict abuse and start recognizing it as violent behavior.
