People cheat on their partner for many reasons. Whatever the motivation, infidelity hurts and can create permanent rifts between two people. If your partner cheated on you and said he was sorry for what he did, you may need to take steps to get the relationship going. Read on to learn how to deal with a cheating partner.
Steps
Method 1 of 2: Restore Trust
Step 1. Try to understand the nature of the betrayal
People cheat for many reasons, not always related to sex. In some cases, they cheat because they are looking for an emotional connection, they are trying to cope with a loss or a moment of crisis, or they are looking for an escape route.
Do not assume that your partner's betrayal was purely sexual. Find out why he cheated before moving on. Try asking him, "I need to know why you cheated on me and with whom. Please be honest with me and tell me what happened."
Step 2. Ask the partner to stop all communication with the lover
To regain trust, you need to be sure your lover is gone forever. To do this you will have to ask the partner to break all relations with him. This can be difficult if the person is a co-worker or someone the partner sees every day. The partner may even be forced to find a new job to ensure that there will be no future contact between the two of them.
- If your partner is unwilling to cut off contact with your lover, he or she will probably not be willing to stop cheating on you either. In this case, it will be almost impossible to repair the relationship.
- If the lover continues to pursue your partner despite being ignored, you can ask for a restraining order to keep this person away from you.
Step 3. Communicate with your partner when you are ready
Learning that your partner has had an affair can cause high levels of emotional distress. If this is the case, it may take some time before you can talk to him about what happened. It is important to discuss the betrayal in order to move forward in the relationship, but not to feel the urge to have to do it right away. Take your time and talk about it when you're ready.
If your partner pressures you to talk, say something like "I appreciate you wanting to talk, but right now I'm too hurt by what happened. Please show your love for me by giving me time and space."
Step 4. Set boundaries for out-of-wedlock relationships
If your partner has cheated on you, they are likely to do it again in the future. You can avoid this possibility by creating boundaries for certain types of relationships outside the marriage bond. In other words, make sure your partner understands which things are acceptable and which are not. You should also make sure that she understands that she is not disclosing certain types of information, to avoid turning friendships into romantic relationships.
For example, your partner shouldn't talk to colleagues about your relationship problems. You can find together a list of acceptable and unacceptable topics of conversation
Step 5. Ask your partner to keep you informed of their position throughout the day
To regain your trust, the partner must understand that he has lost it. For this reason, you will always need to know where it is. This may seem unfair to your partner, but it is necessary if they want to commit to regaining your trust.
Step 6. Talk about partner cheating, but set limits
Schedule two 30-minute sessions each week to talk to your partner about the cheating, but don't ask questions every day. Don't ask him to reveal things that would be too hard to hear, such as sexual details.
Step 7. Grant forgiveness on your terms
Your partner may apologize all the time and desperately seek your forgiveness, but don't feel obligated to forgive him right away. If you need more time, that's normal. To make him understand the situation, explain that you are still in too much pain to forgive and that you need more time.
For example, say, "I appreciate your apology and I want you to continue apologizing, but I'm not ready to forgive you yet."
Step 8. Get help from a psychologist
It is difficult to overcome a betrayal. If you can't get through this on your own, seek help from a licensed psychologist who specializes in marriage counseling. A counselor can help you cope with emotions and have more constructive conversations.
Remember that therapy does not offer an instant solution. It will take time to regain trust in your partner
Method 2 of 2: Building a Better Relationship
Step 1. Encourage your partner to be more open to you
Sharing more emotions with him and encouraging him to do the same will help strengthen the bond between you. Make it a habit to confide in each other every day. Here are some questions to start this sharing:
- "Remember when we walked and walked the neighborhood, taking the dogs out together? Why don't we do it again tonight?"
- "Yesterday didn't go so well, but I want to try again. We can start again, this time I'll take deep breaths and listen more patiently. I also want to explain to you what is best for me and find out what your hopes are."
Step 2. Consider each other's needs
To move forward in the relationship, you will need to learn how to understand each other's needs. The best way to do this is to talk about it.
If you're not sure what your spouse wants, ask questions and listen to find out. If you still have doubts, ask more questions. For example, you might say, "I think you need _ from me. Is that right?"
Step 3. Appreciate yourself
Showing appreciation with sincere compliments is an important part of a healthy relationship. Make sure you and your partner are aware of the importance of compliments and that both of you know how to get them right. The best compliments are not only sincere and specific, they should also be expressed in the first person and not in the second.
For example, if your partner is cleaning the kitchen, don't say "You did a good job cleaning the kitchen." Instead, tell him "I appreciated that you cleaned the kitchen." Using the first person and not the second person lets your partner know what you felt, not just that you noticed what he did
Step 4. Ask the partner to commit to change
If you decide that you are ready to move forward in the relationship with your partner, you should ask him to promise you that he will not repeat the same mistakes of the past that led to the betrayal. Ask the partner to say or even write down which attitudes to avoid and make a commitment to change.
Step 5. Determine the consequences that will follow in the event of another betrayal
Since it is possible that your partner will still cheat on you, you should find consequences together for the future. These consequences can include divorce, losing custody of children, or other repercussions. You could write these agreements and work with a lawyer to give them legal standing.
Step 6. Find out when to end a relationship
If things don't improve despite all your efforts and the help of a marriage counselor, you may have to accept the end of the relationship. Here are some signs that indicate a relationship that cannot be fixed:
- Constant quarrels;
- Inability to create a connection with the partner;
- Inability to feel or receive empathy from the partner;
- Suffering and anger that do not subside over time;
- Inability to forgive the partner.
