It's not easy to get your partner to admit cheating. Listen carefully to what he has to say and look for any inconsistencies in his alibis. If he expresses himself laconically, using a few words to justify his absence, it is very likely that you are right. Ask him a few open-ended questions from time to time and prompt him to tell you the truth when you feel ready to hear his admission. Put yourself in his shoes by letting him know that he can confess his infidelities to you. If he admits, you did it, but you need to stay calm and avoid attacking him or becoming violent.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Listening
Step 1. Listen to the language it uses
Those who cheat tend to use different words when lying about their behavior and when telling the truth. In particular, he uses a not very complex vocabulary, makes few personal references and expresses negative emotions in his speeches.
- Complex language refers to the use of "aversive" terms (such as "except", "but" and "without") and compound sentences. If your partner is unfaithful, he or she will likely avoid information-rich and rather articulate sentences when forced to come up with an alibi.
- Among the self-referential expressions consider words like "I", "mine" and "me". They demonstrate personal responsibility in the story being told. When a traitor lies about where he was or about the people who were present, he is very likely to rule out the use of self-referential expressions when constructing a false alibi.
- The terms that communicate negative emotions are "hated", "sad", "useless" or "enemy". The liar tends to use these words more frequently when telling an unreliable story because he feels guilty and uncomfortable the moment he lies (unless he is a sociopath).
Step 2. Nod as he speaks
This way, you will communicate encouragement and agreement. If you nod your head while talking, they will be more willing to continue and feel comfortable. With any luck, he will declare his betrayal.
If nothing else, you should trick him into providing additional clues that can help you find out where he was and what he was doing
Step 3. Don't rush to talk
Many people think that the best way to extract a confession about infidelity is to intimidate the other person by overwhelming him with questions. However, this method won't give your partner the space they need to admit what they've done. When dealing with the subject of betrayal, give him time to talk. Do not try to respond immediately to any of his statements with another question, accusation or any other statement.
Part 2 of 3: Asking Questions
Step 1. Prepare your partner
It is a real psychological technique that allows you to frame a person's thoughts or behavior in a certain way using particular words or phrases. Your partner will show a more cooperative attitude and, therefore, will be willing to help you if you encourage him to admit how honest he is. Just ask him, "To what extent can you say you are honest?"
- He should reply that he is a very honest person (especially with you);
- Most of us think we are honest, so by helping your partner think he is (or see himself as one), you will predispose him to admit his infidelity.
Step 2. Ask him to tell his side of the story in a different way
If he is trying to hide any infidelity, he will lie about where he is going or where he has been, about what he has done and about the people he has seen. To get him to confess - or gather evidence of his betrayal - ask him to present his alibi in a different way.
- Liars often fail to tell the story in reverse (ordering events from the end to the beginning) and have difficulty in exposing it even starting from the central passages.
- Encourage him to recap everything, using the last episode he reported. Then ask him: "What happened just before?". If it can't remember or if it offers a different sequence of events than initially reported, something is wrong. For example, ask him, "Are you sure you were in that place?" or "What really happened?".
Step 3. Tell a wrong version of your alibi
If he tells you where he was and what he did, summarize his story incorrectly and add some details to expose his cheating behavior. For example, imagine you're having an affair with a colleague. When you ask him where he has been, he may tell you that he had gone for a drink with friends. Try repeating like this: "So, you played bowling with friends and colleagues?". To which he might say, "I haven't played bowling with my friends."
- In this case, the partial denial might suggest that the rest of your question was true, meaning that he dated his colleague;
- In this case, he may realize he made a mistake and correct himself immediately;
- This method is most effective if you pretend you're engaged in something else, like reading a book or watching a movie.
Step 4. Ask open-ended questions
They are the ones that require a more complex answer than a simple yes or no and, therefore, force your partner to talk. Consequently, the more information he gives you, the more evidence you will have when you need to show him that you are aware of what is going on.
- Open-ended questions will put him at ease, likely causing him to reveal, directly or indirectly, that he has cheated on you.
- Listen to the details that you can check later. Check them out. For example, he talks to the people who were present based on his account to find out if his version of events is true.
Step 5. Don't put too much pressure on him
If you are subjected to direct and precise questions, he may freeze and be reluctant to confess his infidelity. It's common to ask your partner how your day was when he gets home from work, like, "What did you do?" or "Why did you come back so late?". However, if you express any suspicions before you are certain that he has cheated on you, you will only feed his frustration and you will end up receiving only sarcastic and obviously false answers.
- Stick to your normal communication patterns whereby you always handled your conversations before you began to suspect that he was cheating on you.
- Generally speaking, you should avoid too precise questions, such as: "What were you doing?", "Who were you with?" and "Where have you been?".
Step 6. Avoid using a detached and accusatory tone
If you take an unpleasant or passive-aggressive (or even just aggressive) attitude, you won't push him to open up to you. Rather, when you ask him something, he adopts a light and curious tone, never judging. That way, he won't think you suspect a betrayal on his part. If he catches you, he may take further steps to hide his mistakes and mislead you.
Stay calm and balanced when you ask him a few questions. If emotions take over or you lose your temper, you are probably not ready to face the issue yet. Since this is a difficult subject to handle, wait until you are quieter
Part 3 of 3: Extort the Confession
Step 1. Put yourself in his shoes when he tells you what he did
If he thinks you will understand and empathize with his situation, he will feel safe. This way, you will encourage him to admit that he has cheated on you.
- Put him at ease. Find an excuse to show him that you understand his behavior. For example, you might say, "I know I've been very absorbed in work. I could understand you if you've seen someone else."
- Reassure him by using phrases like, "I've always been honest with you" or "Please be honest if you're cheating on me. I want to know the truth." You could also say, "It's okay. I won't be angry if you cheated on me."
Step 2. Invade his space
Usually, the best solution is to take an empathic and kind approach, but you don't necessarily have to confess unless you take action and show that you are in control. Don't attack and don't be overbearing. Just make him a little uncomfortable. Try to invade his personal space.
- Move your chair closer to hers than you normally would;
- Take a small step towards him if you are standing;
- Lean on the table while you speak;
- These small gestures will change the dynamics in your favor and could push him to spill the beans;
- If he is violent or you think he can attack you, avoid these attitudes. You should call the public utility number at 1522 and ask for help.
Step 3. Don't say everything you know right away
If you know he wasn't at the bar last night, don't start pointing out where he was by saying, "I know you weren't at the bar last night." This way, you will come out in the open and it will be easier for him to deny his betrayal.
Instead, wait for him to come up with an excuse, then compare his story with the information you have about where he was seen and the person accompanying him. By doing so, you will be able to undo his alibi
Step 4. Pretend you know exactly what is going on
If you think you have substantial evidence of your partner's infidelity, but aren't 100% sure, you could argue against them in an attempt to get him to confess. Find a quiet time when you are at home. Confront your partner by saying, "I know what's going on" or "I think we should talk about [name the person he's cheating on you with]".
- You could start the conversation by offering him the chance to confess, "Is there something you want to tell me?"
- Bluffing can be effective if you try to get him to admit that he's cheated on you, but if he doesn't fall into your trap, he won't confess what's really going on. Plus, he may feel even more confident that you don't have any solid proof in your hand.
- If you cheat when he hasn't committed any infidelity, you risk making a bad impression.
Step 5. Have him give you the information you are missing
When you bluff, get him to tell you what he did by putting together a factual story that you are sure of. For example, you might say, "This week you came home late every night. You told me you were with friends, but that's not the truth, right?" Then tell what, in your opinion, (or know what) happened. He will surely begin to correct you and explain what really happened.
Step 6. React calmly when he confesses his infidelity
Even if you've long suspected that he was cheating on you, it can be emotionally devastating to discover the truth. Despite the tension of the moment, don't start yelling or physically assaulting your partner. These behaviors are not only immature and rude, but can also justify legal action on your part.
- To react quietly, inhale slowly through your nose as you listen to his confession. Exhale through your nose again and drive out the air more slowly than you introduced it.
- Apologize and go to another room or go down for a walk to clear your head if necessary.
- Call a friend or family member to tell them what's going on. The best way to deal with cheating is to ask for support from people who love you.
Advice
- Don't try to unmask your partner's cheating by analyzing their body language. Trivia circulate, such as discovering that he is lying because he has looked away, which are not at all reliable. Body language rarely serves to distinguish lie from truth.
- There is no foolproof way to get your partner to admit cheating or misbehavior. He could be unfaithful even without confessing it.
- If you are always suspicious of him or can't trust him, be aware that your relationship may be at risk, even if he doesn't cheat on you. You should probably go to a couples psychotherapist.
