Infidelity is a serious betrayal, and there are no guarantees that a relationship will be recovered after such a wrong. Some relationships, however, manage to survive, and with a lot of work even be reborn stronger. Both parties can learn to know each other better, rediscover their values and the importance of their relationship in life. The road to recovery is two-way, and both sides must work to learn something from betrayal, offer and accept forgiveness, and make a new commitment to stay together. Nonetheless, even if both sides must be involved, the path must start with the person who betrayed. If you have committed a betrayal, you will need to offer a sincere and total apology to your partner.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Making an Apology
Step 1. Try to understand why you cheated
The first thing to understand is that, when you cheat, there is often something wrong or missing at the base of the relationship. Your goal will be to understand the problem, so that when you get over the initial shock of your actions, you can decide what is the best way to solve the problem. Consider the following questions:
- Do you feel insecure or unattractive?
- Do you feel like something is missing in your relationship?
- Are you satisfied with your sex life?
- Are you under particular stress in your life?
- Even if it's the first time you've cheated, have you ever thought about doing it before?
Step 2. Find out if you really want to stay with your partner
Based on the assessments made in the previous step, you will need to think thoroughly if you are really convinced to stay with your partner.
- You've hurt your partner, who deserves an apology as a result, even if you eventually decide it's better to separate.
- If you decide to stay together and try to overcome the betrayal, the road will not be easy, so you shouldn't subject your partner to these difficulties if you are not really convinced.
Step 3. Spend time writing about your report
To figure out if you are interested in continuing your relationship, consider writing down your reasons: Why do you want to stay with your partner?
Try to be as specific as possible. Hopefully, you still love your mate - no doubt it's something to write on the list - but it's very vague. What do you love about her? What do you like about your relationship? How do you see your future together?
Step 4. Try to understand what you are apologizing for
Of course you have committed a betrayal, and you will have to apologize for that. However, you will need to let your partner know that you really understand how and why you hurt her. Be prepared to express the specific ways you have damaged the relationship.
You didn't just commit infidelity: you betrayed your partner's trust, you destroyed the idea of a relationship, you (perhaps) embarrassed your partner, and you exposed her to a possible risk of STDs
Part 2 of 3: Offer a Full and Honest Apology
Step 1. Keep the conversation private
You may be tempted to publicly humiliate yourself when you apologize to your partner. For example, you might think that your partner is impressed by your willingness to submit to the embarrassment and judgment of others by posting a lengthy apology on your Facebook wall. It will do no more than focus attention on you, and make your private affairs public.
You should also think twice before sending flowers or apology gifts to your partner's workplace. This will attract the attention of her colleagues - they will want to know what the occasion is - and your partner may not want to discuss her personal problems with those people
Step 2. Accept responsibility for your actions when you apologize
It is important to understand why you cheated, but an explanation is different from a justification.
Even if there are underlying problems in your relationship (for which both of you are responsible), only you are responsible for the betrayal. Your goal in this discussion is to make sure your partner hears you acknowledge your mistake
Step 3. Avoid using hypothetical sentences
It is not a complete admission of guilt to say a phrase like "I'm sorry if I hurt you" or "If you hadn't turned me down so often you wouldn't have felt the need to seek sexual outlet." This kind of language would make your partner think that you are trying to deflect the blame away from you.
Instead of saying "I'm sorry if I hurt you", acknowledge the fact that you are the direct cause of your partner's suffering: "My actions have hurt you, and for that I am very sorry."
Step 4. Be prepared for some tough questions
Whether your partner caught you red-handed, uncovered evidence of your infidelity, or confessed to you, she will likely have a lot of questions to ask you.
- Your partner may want to know the details of your relationship: how you met, how often you met, why you decided to cheat, whether you love the other person or not, etc.
- If you close yourself off at this stage and refuse to answer your partner's questions, you will create a separation between you. This will only increase the feeling of lack of trust and your ability to communicate openly and honestly with each other.
Step 5. Respond with honesty, but also with kindness
You must avoid giving vague and elusive answers, but there is no reason to go into the specific details of your encounters. For example, if you are asked what you found attractive about your lover, don't answer "Well, she had a model body and the deepest blue eyes I've ever seen."
- If your partner continues to pressure you to know the details, you should be honest, but formulate your answers carefully: "I found her attractive, but that doesn't justify my betrayal."
- You should definitely avoid comparing your partner to your mistress when answering questions. Don't say things like, "She's so more open and generous than you are." This would only hurt your partner and deflect the responsibility away from you.
Step 6. Be aware that your partner may not be completely rational during the discussion
Even if your partner has long known about your cheating before your formal apology, you shouldn't expect (or expect) the conversation to be calm and rational. Emotions can be unpredictable, and you can't decide what your partner should feel in reaction to your apology.
If things get too intense, you may need to give your partner time and space to get over the trauma before trying to finish your apology
Step 7. Offer your unconditional apology
Since you hurt your partner, you owe her an apology, regardless of whether she decides to stay with you or not.
You shouldn't decide to apologize only if she's willing to forgive you or get back with you. Your apologies will not be sincere if they have conditions
Step 8. Offer your apologies without expecting to be forgiven
You have deeply regretted what you did, and you may think that by showing your partner how sorry you are and how bad you feel, she will decide to come back with you. This is natural, but you cannot deal with this situation thinking that if you do everything right things will work out for the best.
You can't control your partner's ability to forgive you, and even if she does, she may not be able to trust you again
Step 9. Let your partner know what you want
Even if your apology isn't related to her deciding to get back with you, it's not wrong to let your partner know that you hope to be forgiven and that you want the relationship to move forward.
For example, try a similar phrase: “I know that my actions have hurt you deeply and that I have made it difficult for you to trust me. For this I am very sorry. I hope you finally manage to forgive me, and I am ready to commit and work hard for as long as it takes to regain your trust. Even if you fail to do it, I hope you believe me when I tell you that I am really mortified and sorry for what has happened”
Step 10. Listen to your partner
It is possible that, after the apology, your partner will no longer want to talk to you, and in this case you will have to respect her wish. But an apology is not an opportunity to your exclusive advantage: if your partner wants or needs to let off steam and express her feelings, let her do it.
Tell your partner that you understand her and that you know how much you hurt her. Don't interrupt her when she talks to try to justify or explain your actions
Step 11. Show respect for your partner and for yourself
Cheating on your partner was painful and disrespectful, and now you are trying to make up for it. Listen carefully to what she has to say to show her your respect. While it is very important to make her feel heard, you should never tolerate abuse.
- Even if you were wrong by cheating, nothing justifies abuse, so be prepared to leave if your partner becomes abusive or verbally or emotionally abusing you.
- If the discussion gets too hot, try to answer like this: “I understand why you are angry, but your language is unacceptable. Let's talk later - maybe we could even participate in couple therapy sessions”.
Part 3 of 3: Move on
Step 1. End any relationship with your lover
Of course, both you and your partner have suffered the consequences of the betrayal. But don't forget that you brought another person into your life when you cheated. For your relationship to have at least a chance to last, your partner cannot fear that you will cheat on her again - with any other person, but especially your mistress.
- Your partner may be involved in this step, as she may want to see evidence that you really broke off all relationships.
- You will need to talk to the other person, explain that you made a mistake and be clear that there is no possibility of a romantic future between you.
- Whatever you do, don't promise your partner that you will never see your lover again, just to secretly do it (even just to say goodbye). You will need to be sincere in your promise to cut off contact.
Step 2. Set clear boundaries with your ex lover if you can't eliminate her from your life
It may not be possible to completely end relationships with your lover if you have committed a betrayal with a colleague or a person that you absolutely cannot avoid. In this case, you will have to decide in time how and when to interact with her.
- Limit contact with your ex-lover as much as possible. You may need to communicate professionally at meetings, but you won't have to have lunch together.
- Reassure your partner that your relationship will never be inappropriate again.
Step 3. Maintain open lines of communication with your partner
There is no way to put a patch on this situation. To fix it, you will have to feel your love again, in other words, manage your partner's lack of trust over a long period of time. This can mean having to allow privacy invasions and having to share the details of your day with her.
For example, your partner may ask to have access to your social media accounts, your phone and your email. Consider granting you this access; if you don't, your partner will think you are hiding something. If you're unwilling to make this concession, you should reconsider whether the relationship is worth saving
Step 4. Give your partner reasons to trust you
It's easy to understand that your partner may have trouble trusting you for any length of time. If you delay your return from work by just a few minutes, it may not seem like a problem to you, but remember that you will have to start from scratch. You will need to be 100% reliable.
- If you say you'll be back at 7pm, show up at that time, not 7.15pm.
- For the same reason, call your partner if you know you will be late or if your plans change, and if possible, try to go home earlier if she asks.
Step 5. Understand that you will find yourself in a new relationship
If your partner decides to give you a second chance, you cannot expect things to be the same as before. You are basically starting over, and creating a new relationship together. You have both been changed by this experience and you will have to learn to adapt.
Step 6. Be patient
You can't control how long it will take your partner to forgive you and get over your betrayal. Things may also go well for some time, and then your partner may relapse into anger and lack of confidence. If you try to move too fast and expect things to return to normal in a short period of time, your partner will not feel respected.
- If trying to save the relationship is worth it for you, you need to be prepared to allow your partner to suffer on her own time, and accept the backward steps.
- You can't control how long it will take your partner to get over pain and anger, but you can control yourself - you can be consistent and trustworthy and show your remorse and commitment to the new relationship.
Step 7. Be open to therapy
There is absolutely no need for the two of you to seek professional help to mend the relationship. However, there is very little chance that therapy will hurt your relationship, while the chances that it will improve are much higher. For these reasons, you don't have much to lose.
- As a neutral (and experienced) third party, a psychologist can offer you a safe space to express yourself, review your relationship, help you find a specific action plan, and evaluate your progress.
- By offering to participate in couples therapy, you are also sending your partner the message that you are 100% determined to repair the damage you have caused and to do everything possible to regain your partner's trust.
Step 8. Be a "model student" in therapy
If you decide to participate in couples therapy, you will need to put an effort into the process. It's not enough to just show up at the psychologist's office once or twice a week and expect only your partner to talk.
Answer the questions of the psychologist and the partner in an honest and complete way, and commit yourself to all the paths that are proposed
Step 9. Protect yourself during this process
Even if you've done the hardest part of the job, admitting your mistake and working hard to save your relationship - which may have required you to give up some freedom and privacy - be careful not to make concessions that completely change yours. life or violate your integrity.
- If you feel like you're losing yourself to get your partner back, or if you're feeling abused, it's time to reevaluate the relationship.
- You may have to accept that it's time to move on, or, if you haven't already, seek professional help.
