You have found evidence of a betrayal and confronted your husband or wife and now you are trying to figure out if the marriage can be fixed. If you are wondering if you will ever love and trust again, or if you can overcome the pain, anger and jealousy that result from the discovery that the person you married has been in an affair, your feelings and concerns are perfectly normal. In any case, feeling all alone in your suffering and wondering what will happen in this process is not ideal for you. This article will walk you through steps that will explain what you can expect to find along this intricate and dark path to healing.
Steps
Step 1. Understand that you are in shock
Initially, this is the stage where you simply struggle to believe it. You fail to understand that your partner has experienced physical or emotional intimacy with someone other than you; that he was doing all this behind your back and walking away from what he had to do to find time in order to meet this person. And you, at the same time, were unaware of all this … but then, piece by piece, you start to fill out the puzzle and you realize that a good part of your reality, to be honest, was a lie. During this stage, you will probably feel like you are in a dense fog, as you try to make sense of what is happening and to determine if all of this is nothing more than some kind of bad dream.
Step 2. Expect to feel anger
You begin to realize that the situation is a reality and that it is not just a bad dream. During this stage, you may become physically ill and find that you are clearly unable to get out of bed, go to work, or interact normally with others in your daily world. All you can think about is the affair. It's not unusual that you have episodes of crying, throwing things, breaking objects, screaming, arguing with your partner, and generally acting like you've lost control. You can't get your anger away and you may choose to express it in dangerous, unhealthy, or even illegal ways.
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Desire for revenge. If you start feeling this way, this is where you are at your most dangerous. In case you feel this emotion, remember that you are not thinking clearly and that you just want to take revenge on those who, according to your perception, have committed a wrong against you.
- You may begin to strategize and plan ways to get revenge on your lover or partner.
- Thoughts of taking revenge by cheating on your partner in turn become recurring in your mind, and you may begin to think about who to sleep with in order to settle the score.
- You may start looking for ways to bring down your partner's lover, hurting her personally, professionally, or financially.
- Please remember that this phase will pass and that decisions purely rooted in emotions often lead to actions that you regret later on.
Step 3. Let the anger go away
At this point, the violent and active anger of the early days goes away and leaves you with a dull ache and a feeling of being emotionally uprooted. This is usually the time when you start to toy with the notion of reconciliation or start taking steps to end the marriage. Although it is deeply painful, you begin to think more logically and are not as consumed as before by revenge; instead, you become more interested in conducting an assessment of your life, your goals, and the direction in which you would like your marriage to go from now on. You start focusing a little less on your lover and more on your partner and the confusion that cheating has left in your couple. During this phase, you are often too tired to fight, cry, or relive the horror 24 hours a day. You begin to desire emotional closure in one way or another.
Step 4. Collect the pieces
If you plan on continuing the relationship and are able to bring your marriage back to life, this is where you need full, steadfast, and total cooperation from the person who cheated on you. She needs to know that this will be a long and exhausting process that will only stretch even further if she places obstacles in your way to recovery.
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Among the things the person who cheated on could do to prevent progress:
- Refusing to answer questions about the things you have a right to know.
- Refuse to give you any evidence that you have the right to ask.
- Continue to stay in touch with the lover.
- Minimize the situation.
- Minimize the relationship with the lover.
- Place the blame on the victim or …
- … Determine a time limit, after which the victim should now "be passed".
- Remember that doing any of these things is bad for the healing of your relationship and can make it nearly impossible for it to ever be real. If you are not intent on restarting your marriage and picking up the pieces, then this is the time for you to start looking for something that fills the space and time. This does not mean that you have to lean on people to use in spite and then destroy their lives for the sake of your healing; it means identifying activities and interests to put at the center of your life, with the aim of filling the empty space left by the loss of a partner. It will be a time of solitude for you, but if you decide to stay home sad and feel sorry for yourself, you will remain indefinitely in this stuffy space.
Step 5. Learn to trust again
It is a complicated phase, whether you are trying to mend your current relationship or starting a new one. It is not advisable to start being with someone again early though, because you need time to heal and to feel comfortable in your company before you let another person into your world. If you're trying to rebuild your married life, learning to trust only depends on finally seeing the person who cheated on you put all their cards on the table and make their life an open book. This is an extremely long and slow process that can only get better over time. Once your partner's stories turn out to be true and you can feel with complete certainty that he has cut ties with his lover, then you are well on your way to trusting again. However, as mentioned earlier, if the person who cheated on doesn't give you a hand in the process, then it just won't work. Also, if you find yourself facing a serial traitor, or one who continues to do so even though he has sworn to be faithful, this process will never end. As a result, you probably can't, or won't be able to, at all rebuild the confidence it takes in a healthy marriage.
Step 6. Take on the detonators
Detonators are certain names, places, and events that make you painfully remember the time your partner was having an affair. Maybe a certain song that was popular at the time of history, a restaurant or motel that told you they visited with their lover, places they came in contact with, people they work with or know both or mutual friends.
- Detonators also show up when you see someone who reminds you of your lover or when you hear their name. Often, even looking back at old photos will trigger these feelings in the event that in the image you appear smiling in front of the camera, blindly unaware that your partner was sleeping with someone else at the time.
- Triggers are all painful reminders.
- There is no real remedy for detonators or a way to dodge them. The only thing to do is try to avoid obsessing about it and going crazy about facts you have no control over.
Step 7. Set realistic goals
This is where you need to figure out whether or not you will be able to carry on with your current relationship. Of course, it will never be the same again and, after the traumatic events, you have to learn to live with the new reality. Consider:
- Can you go on living this way? Do you feel comfortable thinking that you will be able to trust your partner again and that you will not harass him every day and for eternity with questions and comments about extramarital affairs? He took responsibility for his actions, made an honest effort to mend the relationship, not only swore to you that his behavior would not repeat itself, but he didn't even allow himself to create or sustain an environment or a relationship in which this could have happened again at another time? If so, if you feel the relationship can be fixed over time, then moving on in your marriage is a realistic goal.
- If, on the other hand, your partner refuses to acknowledge the extramarital affair, does not answer questions, behaves suspiciously and / or continues to be in contact with the lover, you need to establish whether you can actually continue living like this. It is not possible? Then reconciliation is not a realistic goal for the relationship. Only you can make this assessment: although external input can help, in the long run it is you who must take advantage of this moment to determine what is in your best interest.
Step 8. Find a new, healthier yourself
With or without this person, you will heal and be fine. It takes time, but you will emerge from this experience becoming a fitter, healthier, and more aware individual. Admit that you cannot place total responsibility for your happiness on another person. During this process, you should do some research into your soul in order to find out if there was anything you could have done differently to strengthen the bond in your relationship. Becoming too needy for affection or excessively dependent on the other person is never good.
Develop hobbies, friendships, and interests of your own. That way, if your relationship doesn't work out, you'll have shock absorbers to cushion the fall, while if it works, you'll still be able to capitalize on this experience for your personal growth
Step 9. Be kind to yourself and open to new growth
You have a lot to learn about yourself, the person you're married to, and your relationship after an affair. Make sure you don't skip the lessons just to stay focused on the pain. Remember: what doesn't kill us makes us stronger (the trick is you have to let it be).
Advice
- If you have felt and / or feel that you have something to worry about, it is highly likely that you should: intuition is real and only you know the nature of your partner.
- Don't be the same as before, you went through a hell of a time! Be a new, stronger person whether you stop or walk away. The other person does not complete you. Your completeness comes from within.
- Recognize that you will not be claiming to have the wedding it once was, and you shouldn't. Things will get better by giving up the old relationship and building a new one. Often, a new anniversary, a better way of communicating in the couple, and a renewed commitment to work together on marriage are essential.
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Be aware of the stressors of a marriage:
- 1) Unexpected differences.
- 2) Unmet needs.
- 3) Hatching resentment.
- Try to minimize external input as you deal with the after-effects of an extramarital affair. Only you know what your best interests are and you would be surprised at the number of people who don't really plan to do you good.
- Self-assessment is a part of healing. While nothing excuses an affair, ask yourself, “Was I the most loving and caring partner I could have been? Could I have been more available to the person I married?”.
