Many people do everything they can to succeed in establishing a long-term relationship, but then they don't know what to do to keep the love and enthusiasm alive once the relationship is established. We often come up against the practical implications of our lives (earning money, raising children …), factors that can hinder the ability to stay focused on the happiness and love we feel next to our partner. Fortunately, with a little time and effort, it is still possible to rekindle the flame between two people. Read on and find out how.
Steps
Part 1 of 5: Communicating with the Partner
Step 1. Express your needs explicitly
Don't assume that your partner is able to read your mind because he has known you for a long time. If you feel frustrated because you feel that it cannot meet your needs or expectations, try starting a dialogue to explain in detail what you need.
- For example, you may get the feeling that you don't appreciate yourself because she doesn't tell you this outright. The fact remains that he may notice everything you do, feeling admiration, and the only problem is that he is not in the habit of letting you know. In this case, you might say, "Sometimes I don't feel appreciated. If you decided to express your appreciation verbally, acknowledging what I do and thanking me for doing it, I would most likely feel more appreciated."
- Another example might involve physical attraction; perhaps it seems to you that your partner is no longer attracted to you because he hardly takes the initiative to have an intimate relationship. Again it would be best to let him know how you feel, explaining what you'd like him to do differently.
Step 2. Ask him to express his needs
When you express your emotional needs, don't forget to be willing to listen to hers too. If your partner tends to be shy when it comes to revealing their feelings, you may need to help them find the right words to express their needs. Be patient and understand that it may take time to formulate an answer. If it asks you to wait, remember to come back to it later. The moment he communicates his feelings to you, concentrate carefully, trying to really understand what he wants to tell you.
Step 3. Demonstrate maximum sensitivity to their needs
After sharing your needs with each other, both of you should try to apply what has been asked of you. You may even decide to work together to create an "action plan" that will help you to better execute the instructions received.
- For example, if your partner wants to be told openly that you appreciate what they do, you could set up a reminder on their cell phone to help remind you to compliment them a couple of times a week.
- You could say something like, "Thank you for planning and organizing our next vacation. I know you worked hard to find the perfect fit for the whole family," or, "I'm really grateful to you for getting up early to make me breakfast. this morning. Your every gesture makes my life better."
- If your partner has expressed a desire for you to take the initiative to have an intimate relationship more often, try to please them. Sometimes a little extra romance can work wonders in a relationship. Don't underestimate your ability to pleasantly surprise him.
Step 4. Maintain a positive attitude
Excessive negativity can sour any relationship, but it's especially bad for long-term loving relationships. Communicating in a calm and positive way, keeping an attitude as optimistic as possible towards life, will help you to live a happy relationship.
Step 5. Manage disputes
Avoiding any kind of discussion is almost impossible; moreover, sometimes it may not be the wisest choice for dealing with problems. What you need to do is try to keep conflicts under control; this could mean doing what you can to avoid them on some occasions and working hard to find a solution on others.
If you disagree on how you handle fights (for example, you may want to talk about it and resolve the problem immediately, but your partner may feel the need to let some time pass to calm down), you should try to come to terms with. a compromise. Create a plan that helps you keep tabs on future discussions while respecting the preferences of both of you
Step 6. Talk about "big things"
Often, at the beginning of a relationship, couples tend to discuss important topics, which have the real ability to influence their current and future lives, including their dreams and ambitions. However, after spending some time next to each other, conversations can begin to involve much more mundane things, such as who has to go to the supermarket to buy detergent or take their kids to a football match. Try to find the time and tranquility to start talking again about big issues that affect your lives and your goals; doing so will help you feel more united.
Part 2 of 5: Spending Quality Time Together
Step 1. Plan to spend some time alone
It might seem odd at first to suggest that he go out on a date, but it's important that your relationship remains a priority. Sometimes the only way to be able to be quietly alone together might be to specifically schedule a meeting on your agenda. Offer him a romantic dinner, then take care of all the necessary details: reservations, babysitting, transport etc., to make sure there is no impediment.
Try to turn this into a routine, for example into a romantic date every Saturday night. It could be an excellent opportunity to feel united again and tell you about your week
Step 2. Get ready for your appointment
If you've been together for a long time, chances are he's seen you on both your best and worst days. As impractical (and perhaps unnecessary) as it is to look your best every time you are together, it may be important to try to "make yourself beautiful" before your romantic date. Think back to the first few times you dated, then spend a little extra time preparing yourself to make sure you impress the one you love.
Step 3. Find time to have fun together
Games and laughter create a strong connection and strengthen your relationship. If you can find time to do things that make you happy in your partner's company, chances are you'll end up feeling closer to each other. Look for something new and fun to do together or find time to go out and do something fun.
Among the many new things that you can experience together are: sports, zip-lines, obstacle course, mini golf, video games, board or card games, sporting events and much more
Step 4. Take hands
Go back to the basics of the relationship starting with the first gestures of affection you made as a kid, like holding your hand. Most likely, during your first dates you did your best to maintain that physical contact, so why did you quit? Putting your bodies in contact even outside the bedroom can help you feel more united and rekindle the flame between you.
Step 5. Flirt more and be nice
Think of love in terms of action; every day, you should find ways to show your partner how important they are to you. Make him feel very loved all the time.
Step 6. Maintain intimacy
Don't neglect your sex life because of too many daily commitments. If it is really necessary, plan your relationship on the agenda. Bring the romance back into the relationship; if your intimacy seems to be waning, talk about it to find ways to revitalize it.
If you can't solve your intimacy problems on your own, you can turn to a sex therapy expert
Step 7. Go back to the courtship sites
Return to the place where you met or where you spent your first dates. If you have children now, choose a place you loved going to before you became parents, where you haven't been in a long time. Returning to those places with your new potential as a stable couple can help you remember how you used to be and appreciate how far you've come.
Step 8. Create traditions
Often, family customs can help couples (and families) establish shared experiences and points of view. Giving importance to anniversaries, birthdays, or a date that is particularly meaningful to both of you through a ritual can make you feel more united. You will have the opportunity to reflect on past years as well as to make new plans for the future.
Part 3 of 5: Reviving Mutual Esteem
Step 1. Create a map of your love
It will serve as a physical representation of your partner's emotional and relational past. Even if you don't really want to draw her, you should become aware of her sentimental "landscape" and try to appreciate the (probably) long road that ultimately led you together.
Step 2. Experience mutual admiration
It is very likely that if you have decided to spend a good chunk of your life next to this person it is because in the past you have considered them worthy of esteem. He possessed those qualities that you find desirable and attractive and which you should not take for granted. Try to take a step back to observe your partner with new and more objective eyes. Make a list of all the things you admire in his way of being; later, you may decide to show it to him. However, remember that the purpose of this list is to renew your esteem for him.
It might be a good idea to try to get your partner to do the same for you. Saying something like "I think you should admire me and remind yourself of what a great person I am" might be embarrassing and awkward, but there's nothing stopping you from sharing your attempt to rekindle your esteem for him because you feel it can improve your relationship. Your initiative could cause the other to reciprocate, solidifying both foundations of your relationship
Step 3. Build trust
Live your relationship with extreme serenity; assuming that you can give and receive trust, without leaving room for feelings of fear, jealousy, and suspicion, can be enormously beneficial to your relationship. Maintaining a healthy relationship can take intense work, but trust should be a simple and natural condition.
If you have reason not to trust your partner, for example from a past betrayal, it may be helpful to hire a couples therapist to feel safe again
Step 4. Renew your commitment
Most likely you have already made promises to your partner, particularly if you are married, but reiterating your willingness to stay close to him could be beneficial. There is no need to organize a formal ceremony or renew wedding vows; just confirm your commitment by talking about it in private.
For example, you might say, "We've been married for 17 years and have shared so many important moments. I just want you to know that even today, and in every day to come, I want to do my best to be able to always be happy together."
Step 5. Keep a gratitude journal
Several studies have shown that writing down the things you feel grateful for helps you appreciate what you have and feel happier. Keeping a journal that focuses on the gratitude you feel for the many gifts that life has given you, including your relationship as a couple, can make you feel better and closer to your partner.
While gratitude doesn't directly benefit your relationship, doing something that helps you feel happier will have a positive influence on your relationship
Step 6. Take care of yourself
Taking care of yourself and feeling that your emotional needs are being met can help give you the energy and motivation it takes to keep your relationship with your partner alive. Additionally, you may feel grateful that it helps you take the time to take care of yourself.
- Each of us needs to devote different attention. You may feel the need to simply spend some time alone to reflect quietly, or you may want to find time to indulge in a hobby or sport you enjoy.
- Be equally available to your partner. Make sure he has time to take care of himself, also encouraging him to do the things he likes and allowing him to feel satisfied and relaxed. When you see each other again, chances are you will have more resources and energy to devote to your relationship.
Part 4 of 5: Using Couples Therapy
Step 1. Acknowledge you have a problem
If it seems to you that your "friendly fights" are becoming much less friendly, if you are losing the desire or ability to communicate with your partner, or if you feel coldly treated every time you try to open a conversation or create a moment of intimacy, you may need to get help.
It is customary for there to be ups and downs in a relationship, but when the "lows" never seem to go away, the problem may be bigger than normal. The first step is to talk about it by openly expressing your feelings, preferably with clear in mind that you may need to resort to a concrete solution, for example couple therapy
Step 2. Don't wait to ask for help
Too many couples don't ask for help until they decide to separate or start thinking about divorce; It is best to seek support that will allow you to strengthen the relationship before the problems get worse by passing the point where it is still possible to save it.
Step 3. Choose a couples therapist
Look for a therapist who specializes in helping couples in crisis. If the idea of going to therapy makes you feel uncomfortable, consider talking to a different person, such as a spiritual guide. he will most likely have the necessary preparation and have helped many other people in the past.
- If the idea of letting someone know that you have problems doesn't scare you, ask friends or family for advice on finding the right therapist for your needs. If you know someone has recently separated, you can ask them if they have joined couples therapy and if they can recommend a therapist.
- Alternatively, you can do a quick web search. Within minutes you will find a number of experienced couples therapy psychologists and you can select those who are in your area. If possible, read the opinions of people who have experienced it before, before making your choice.
Step 4. Try attending a group course or retreat for couples in crisis
If you think that psychotherapy is not necessary, but you still want to strengthen your relationship, try looking for facilities or courses aimed at those who feel the need to improve their relationship as a couple. They are often taught by therapists, but they focus more on fortifying the relationship than on saving it, which may make them seem more suited to your needs.
Part 5 of 5: Is It Right To Try to Rekindle the Flame?
Step 1. Try to remind yourself, in as much detail as possible, why love has vanished
If it was time, place, or circumstances that put an end to your feeling, you may be able to reattach the pieces of your relationship. However, since there may be a good reason why you have drifted away from your partner, you need to be sure that there is also an important reason for wanting to fall in love again.
In some cases it will be much better to avoid trying to rekindle the flame between you; for example, if you have separated due to a relationship of abuse or manipulation, if the problems of your last relationship remain unresolved or if the only reason for getting back together is "comfort"
Step 2. Ask yourself if the relationship could work again
Bringing love back to life can be something great, but only when both people want to commit to it. If there are obstacles, such as distance, work or other partners, there is no reason to fight a losing battle. Basically, don't try to rekindle the flame if both of you aren't willing to do everything in your power to keep it alive for long.
Don't try to rebuild your relationship if the only reason you do it is habit or comfort. Don't assume that love is like an old friend you can visit once in a while, or someone will inevitably end up in pain
Step 3. Give yourself time
Ask yourself if you've really stopped loving your partner. If you feel angry or hurt but still want to fix things, you probably haven't had enough time to get over it. You haven't developed the perspective to understand how things go when you are alone. If you want to get back with your partner, even knowing that you could survive even without him, it is good to try to rebuild your relationship.
Don't try to get back together just because you feel bad or uncomfortable being alone. Reigniting the flame between you will not help you get to know each other better or fix the other problems in your life. Your desire should be to love your partner again, not to want them back simply because otherwise you don't feel complete
Step 4. Don't force things
Love is not an emotion that can be manufactured. If you are no longer in love and cannot rekindle the passion, it is probably right for things to be like this. People fall in and out of love all the time; as painful as it may be, there is not always an explanation for what happens: sometimes love just ends. For the same reason, however, in some cases your feelings will naturally grow, rekindling the love when you thought there wasn't even a way out. Ultimately, the best advice is to follow your instincts; be honest with yourself and your partner and hope for the best.
