Telling your partner that you have genital herpes is certainly not a walk in the park. However, since it is a sexually transmitted disease, it is important to face the speech to protect yourself during sexual intercourse and not to undermine the trust within the couple. Genital herpes is caused by the herpes simplex virus type 2 (HSV-2) or the herpes simplex virus type 1 (HSV-1), the latter responsible for cold sores. By taking the right precautions, you can manage it and continue having sex with your partner.
Steps
Part 1 of 2: Prepare to Discuss it
Step 1. Try to gather as much information as possible about genital herpes
It is important to know this kind of infection, especially if you know absolutely nothing about it. By doing this, you can prepare yourself to answer any questions your partner has about it, but also dispel any doubts you have about this virus.
- Genital herpes is a common infection that is usually transmitted through sexual intercourse or direct contact with an infected blister or sore. It can also be caused by HSV-1, the virus that causes cold sores on the lips and face, through oral or genital contact.
- The virus can be transmitted when there are no overt symptoms in the person you have had sex with. It is often difficult to detect and diagnose. In the United States, about 80% of the population has HSV-1, which is contracted in childhood from a kiss from a parent, friend, or relative.
- Managing genital herpes is possible and not dangerous. Anyone who is sexually active runs the risk of contracting the virus, regardless of gender, ethnic origin and social background.
- HSV-2 is usually transmitted during sexual intercourse by the vaginal or anal route. HSV-1 is usually transmitted through oral sex (through mouth contact with the genitals).
Step 2. Find out what existing therapies are
This is important information because it allows the couple to calm down. Most cases of herpes are treated with antiviral drugs. Drug therapy is not 100% effective, but it allows you to live with the virus more easily.
- Initial treatment: If you have symptoms, such as sores and swelling, as soon as you are diagnosed with herpes, your doctor will prescribe short-term (7 to 10 days) antiviral therapy to relieve symptoms or prevent them from getting worse.
- Intermittent treatment: Your doctor may prescribe an antiviral medication that you will need to take if the disease returns. You will likely need to take pills for 2-5 days as soon as you notice sores or other symptoms of an outbreak. The wounds will heal and disappear on their own, but taking medication can speed up the healing process.
- Suppressive treatment: If the virus has come back, you can ask your doctor for an antiviral drug to take every day. If it recurs more than six times a year, you should seek suppressive therapy, as the number of outbreaks can decrease by 70% to 80%. The reappearance of the symptoms of the virus is zero in many subjects who take antiviral drugs daily.
Step 3. Learn about the spread of herpes in people
Although genital herpes is a sexually transmitted disease, sleeping with someone who has contracted the virus does not necessarily imply infection. Most patients pass it on in only a small percentage of cases.
In fact, there are many sexually active couples where only one partner has herpes. Knowing that you have contracted the virus and communicating it to the people you share your sex life with is a big step towards preventing the spread of the virus
Part 2 of 2: Notify the Partner
Step 1. Find a quiet, private place to talk
Invite your partner home for dinner or go for a long walk in the park. You will need to have an intimate and personal conversation with him, so choose a place where you are both comfortable to discuss sensitive topics.
Step 2. Talk to him before having sex
Avoid addressing the issue just before bed or intimate with him. If you have been dating for some time and you are both thinking about having sex, it is important to talk to him first about herpes. This way, not only will you be able to practice safe sex, but you will also be able to base your relationship on trust and honesty.
- Even if it is a casual relationship, the other person has a right to know how things are before having sex. If you have a hard time talking about your health condition, you probably aren't even ready to have sex with her.
- If you already have some sexual intimacy, avoid further intercourse until you have addressed the issue. It can be difficult to tell your partner that you have herpes, as the negative connotation of this disease, which can generate a sense of repugnance or aversion, often scares the infected person as much as the person to whom this disease is revealed. However, in these cases, herpes can also be a test to evaluate the couple's relationship. If your partner is unwilling to support you and find a way to deal with what you have been diagnosed with, they may not be the best person to be with, either for years to come or for one night.
Step 3. Start the conversation with an appropriate phrase
Find an unfriendly approach to starting the conversation, such as:
- "I really enjoy being with you and I'm really happy that we're getting closer sexually as well. I have something to tell you. Can we talk right now?".
- "When two people get along, as we do, I think they have to be honest with each other. So I'd like to talk to you about something that concerns me."
- "I feel I can trust you and be honest. There is something I would like to talk to you about."
Step 4. Avoid using negative language and the term "illness"
Speak simply, without resorting to negative terms.
- For example: "Two years ago I found out I had herpes. Fortunately, it is possible to keep it under control. Do you think something could change between us?".
- Talk about "sexually transmitted infection" instead of "sexually transmitted disease". Even if they mean the same thing, "illness" gives the impression of having symptoms or constant relapses. Instead, "infection" seems like something easy to manage.
Step 5. Stay calm and stick to the facts
Remember that your partner will expect you to lead the conversation. Instead of looking embarrassed or traumatized by what you've been diagnosed with, try to stay calm and give the facts about your infection.
Assure him that herpes is a very common virus, present in the bodies of a large number of adults. In most people who have contracted genital herpes, the symptoms do not appear, are infrequent, or are confused with something else. About 80-90% of individuals with the virus do not even know they have it. So you are just someone who happened to know that you have it
Step 6. Explain what kind of therapy, if any, you are on and how you are careful to have safe sex
Tell him about the medications you are taking to manage herpes symptoms and outbreaks.
- Explain the sexual practices you can use to have safe sex and get the disease under control. Always use a condom during sexual intercourse. The risk of herpes is reduced by 50% by using suitable contraceptives. You should also avoid sexual intercourse when a cold sore breaks out to prevent the spread of the virus.
- Explain that symptoms of genital herpes, such as sores and rashes, can appear from time to time because once the virus is contracted, it stays inside the body. However, most of the time it stays inactive. Each person is different: in some there are no outbreaks, while in many others it recurs several times a year.
- Certain circumstances or situations can allow the virus to manifest itself again. So let your partner know if you are prone to certain triggers, such as stress at work or at home, fatigue, insomnia and menstruation (if you are a woman).
Step 7. Answer any questions your partner may ask you
Be open to any questions it might bring. If he asks you, don't hesitate to give him all the details regarding the treatment and approach you are using to have safe sex.
You can also suggest that they acquire information on their own. He may be able to understand your situation if he does some research on his own to learn more about this reality
Step 8. Give him the time he needs to assimilate the information
Regardless of how you react - negatively or positively - try to be flexible and open. Remember that it may take some time to accept what you have been diagnosed with. So, give him some space to form an opinion on what you said.
- Keep in mind that some people may react negatively no matter what you say or how you say it. Their reaction is not a criticism of you nor is it up to you. If your partner is unable to accept your illness, try to accept his or her way of reacting and treat it as a sign that he may not be the right person for you.
- In most cases, the partner who receives such news reacts well and appreciates the honesty shown on the other side. Many couples continue to be happy and sexually active despite this type of diagnosis.
Step 9. Take precautions before having sex
If you both agree to take precautions, the chance of passing on herpes is very low. Having genital herpes doesn't necessarily mean abstaining from sex.
- Always use a condom when having sex. Most couples choose to avoid skin contact with the genital areas during the active phase of herpes, as this is when the risk of contracting the virus is highest.
- Open wounds on the buttocks, thighs or mouth can be as contagious as those in the genitals. Therefore, you should avoid direct contact with any sore on the body during intercourse.
- Avoid having oral sex if either of you has cold sores symptoms anywhere on your body.
- It is not possible to contract genital herpes by sharing kitchen utensils, towels, bathtub or toilet seat. Even during the active phase, epidermal contact with the areas of the body that have sores should only be avoided. However, cuddling, sharing a bed and kissing is safe.
