When your children enter adolescence, it is obvious that things are about to change. Here are some practical tips for parents.
Steps
Step 1. Change your expectations
Studies have shown that the frontal cortex of the brain does not fully develop until the age of 20, in some cases even up to the age of 30. A teenager's brain is a bustling powerhouse. The frontal lobe of the brain is the site of what researchers call "executive functions." It is the area of our brain that helps us plan, controls impulses and reason. It is tempting to try to confront adolescents as if they were able to control their impulses, to make reasoned choices and to reason in the broadest sense of the term. But the truth is, it's not possible. Their brains are in a critical stage of development and they need help getting through this moment in their life. Instead of expecting them to act and think like an adult, remember that they are "something out of control" that you need to lead
Step 2. Stop treating them with suspicion
Teenagers have fear as their constant companion. They are afraid of other children, afraid of not being suitable, of their teachers, of being laughed at or ridiculed… they don't need their parents to increase the dose. When they return home, they must perceive it as a sanctuary away from their fears. A place to feel safe and protected, where they find love and acceptance. When your children walk into a room, your face should light up with happiness as they see them. You shouldn't welcome them with a tired eye and with questions about where they have been and what they have done. Unconditional love and acceptance is the best gift you can give them. This is not only a confidence boost to face a new day, but it sets the stage for building a healthy relationship with them
Step 3. Develop empathy
Remember what it was like when you were a teenager, multiply it by 10 and reduce your adolescence to a game. At this pivotal time in their life, they are looking for someone who understands what they are going through. Everyone needs understanding but our teenagers need it more than you can imagine and this understanding has to come from you. When they get home, stop doing what you are doing (no matter how important it is) and give them your attention. Look them in the eye, make a commitment to stay focused on them, on what they say and not on what you are saying and beware of how you respond. It is often said that people just need to be heard. They usually don't need you to solve their problems, rather they need someone to listen to them, to empathize. This is what your teen needs from you. And if you don't give it to them, believe me, they'll find someone else who will
Step 4. Stop fighting with them
Teenagers often need to test themselves: with their peers, with their teachers and they automatically feel they have to test themselves with you too. Don't get upset about it and refuse to fight them. Put empathy in your voice and keep a line of behavior. "I bet you feel that way." "What are you going to do?" "I don't know, what do you think?". They may also get more angry with you and pretend to know why you don't argue with them. Let them know that you love them too much to argue over petty matters. If you refuse to take their tease every time, you will prevent everyone from constantly discussing irrelevant things
Step 5. Set limits and enforce them
- Everyone who lives under one roof should contribute to the household routine. No person should bear all the responsibility. Teenagers are no exception. Decide, as a family, who does what. Be reasonable! Give each one a task and no more than two, in addition to keeping their room clean. Instead of getting angry and arguing with them when they don't do what they are supposed to do, let them suffer the consequences. When they ask to go out with their friends but their homework has not been done, you can empathically tell them "Oh, that sounds like a lot of fun. Unfortunately you never did your chores this week and your room is a mess. I'm sorry but you can't go. " They will want to find a deal with you immediately. Then you can answer: "I tell you, as soon as you have done your chores and your room is clean, you can go." Keep this style. Learn not to go on a rampage and not get angry when they don't stick to family planning and don't go about their household chores. Wait patiently. The opportunity will present itself to manage the situation. Be empathetic and use the "as soon as …" approach, and both of you will emerge as winners. You will also have prevented anyone from getting angry.
- Allow freedom of choice within the established limits. This gives teens the feeling that they are in control of their lives. "Do you do your homework or housework first?" "What time will you be home? At 10:30 or 11:00?". This will give them some confidence in deciding for themselves. If they do not respect the curfew etc … then the consequences they will have to suffer must be reasonable and applied with empathy.
Step 6. Respect them and respect them
Always treat your children with esteem and respect. Constantly scolding a child harms his emotions and will cause him to become an insecure adult. Nobody (including you) likes to be belittled. Learn not to ridicule them, not to despise them and not to silence them. Ask and respect their opinions. When in the car, turn the radio on to their favorite station. If they love sports, go out and get involved in their games. If they love music, have them take lessons and go to their essays. If they win prizes, organize a dinner with the whole family to celebrate them. There are simple and fun things you can do for your teen that will cement your relationship
Step 7. Open the house to their friends
The kids are looking for a place to hang out. Try to be a good support. Give them healthy snacks, let them listen to music, and make yourself available. It will surprise you to see how many of their friends need an ear to listen to them. If this makes you too uncomfortable, remember that it is your home and you have the right to make rules. HOWEVER, be aware that this attitude will not help resolve the situation. They WILL FEEL like you don't trust and respect them. Open communication is always the best approach
Advice
- If you talk to your kids instead of setting arbitrary rules, if you consider their point of view, if you show real concern for their lives, if you don't always think the worst, if you take the time to listen to them maybe you will be able to build a fairly open and positive relationship where they will feel they can talk to you about their problems. Being stiff and irritating won't stop them from taking drugs, having sex etc… You will only get them to keep these things hidden from you even more. If they get into some trouble, they probably won't tell you. However, if you are committed to keeping communication open, then perhaps you will be able to help them make informed decisions.
- Remember, your kids don't hate you. The life of a teenager is very busy. Remember that their lives no longer revolve around you. But that doesn't mean they don't need you anymore. Quite the contrary, they need you more than ever.
- Listen to what your son or daughter have to say, really listen, don't just stop and hear. If they are trying to attract attention it is because they have something important to say. And absolutely never say that you are too busy for them.
- It is important that you do not yell at your boys. This does not help anyone, on the contrary, it interrupts the communication. If they have done something they are not allowed to do, treat them as adults and calmly and rationally explain to them why they upset you and the consequences of their actions. This way your kids will be happy.
- Remember, your attitude should be welcoming. Welcome them home, welcome their friends, and encourage them to talk and live.
- Understand as a parent who are no longer children. I'm someone's best friend. They have a reputation for being "that kind of person". They have friends and enemies. They are students, they are learning to drive a car and are thinking about university.
- How do you manage your family, show who you really are.
Warnings
- Set limits, don't let the guys get the upper hand but don't be overprotective.
- If they tell you, "YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME," it's probably because they feel you don't. You have to sit with them, talk about this thing and bring out what is behind these words, so they will learn to trust you. You also have to promise yourself and the kids to let them have their say.
