Difficult people are everywhere and maybe you are too. Many have periods when they do not behave in such an exemplary manner. However, if you want to maintain relationships with a difficult person, you will need to develop strategies to manage them and find some compromises together.
Steps
Part 1 of 2: Seeking Approach with a Difficult Person
Step 1. Choose your battles wisely
When you run into a difficult person, decide when it is worth bothering to discuss a problem. It is not necessary to fight all the battles. The sooner you realize it, the better you will live your life. Ideally, both of you are able to put your gap aside and find compromises, even if sometimes it is impossible.
- Ask yourself if the situation is causing such discomfort that it is worth addressing.
- Consider the nature of your relationship with this person. If it's your boss or someone with some authority, you will be forced to accept certain aspects, even though you don't like them (unless it's bullying). If, on the other hand, it's a friend or family member, think about whether your being aloof is encouraging misbehavior or is saving you time and pain.
Step 2. Stop for a moment
Before answering, take a deep breath to collect your thoughts and calm your emotions. If the fight is taking place via e-mail or text message, try not to send messages in the throes of agitation. Take some time to let the tension subside. After that, you will be able to address the other person in a more reasonable way.
If possible, discuss the problem in a neutral place or while doing something else. For example, you might be talking while walking. This will limit the possible negative consequences of a face-to-face confrontation
Step 3. Clearly explain your needs by communicating assertively
Don't give the other person a chance to manipulate you or misrepresent your words. Try to speak in the first person instead of using second person phrases that sound like accusations. For instance:
- "I understand that I disappointed you by arriving late. I would feel the same way too. Unfortunately, the subway ran fewer trips this morning and I was stuck in the station. I'm sorry I kept you waiting!".
- Don't say, "It's absurd to expect me to arrive on time since the subway service was cut off. If you really cared, you could have Google and checked the news."
Step 4. Keep being polite
Regardless of the other person's reaction, stay calm. Don't throw insults. Breathe before answering. The secret is not to go down to the other person's level. Also, the calmer you are, the more likely the other person will notice and reflect on their behavior.
Step 5. Stick to the facts
Explain your version of events clearly and concisely without going into too many details or getting emotional. It is very likely that you will not be able to put the other person in your shoes nor do you have to try to convince them. Describe what happened and don't feel you have to justify yourself.
- Avoid arguments that trigger certain dynamics. For example, if you always clash with your sister-in-law about holidays, don't discuss it! Ask someone else to mediate.
- Avoid being defensive. You should support your point of view, but with difficult people it's best not to push your arguments too hard. Don't waste time trying to prove you're right. Instead, make the discussion as impartial as possible.
Step 6. Minimize interactions
Although hopefully you will find ways to deal with a problematic person, in case this is not possible, limit your time with them. If you are forced to interact, try not to go too far by saying goodbye to her when you happen to have a chat or by introducing a third person into the conversation. Take a positive attitude and then try to stay calm.
Accept that this person will likely never become the friend, colleague, or sibling you want
Step 7. Talk to your allies
If the relationship with this person has stagnated and you need it to evolve, talk to someone who could mediate. Maybe your boss can help you improve the situation. If the conflict is within your family, find a member who can negotiate between both sides. Try to only come out with your allegations to people you trust.
Part 2 of 2: Changing the Mental Attitude
Step 1. Realize that there will always be difficult people
Regardless of where you live or work, you will meet people who seem to take pleasure in hurting others. The secret is in learning to manage it. Since it is impossible to avoid difficult people, it would be useful to identify some types in order to choose the best way to interact with them. They include:
- "Hostile" people tend to react violently. They can be cynical, argumentative, and have a hard time accepting that they are wrong. They impose themselves when they play roles of power or assume bullying attitudes behind a computer (cyber bullying).
- People who are "hypersensitive to rejection" are extremely attentive to insults. In other words, it is very easy to offend them. They often use tools to send messages (e-mails, sms) in which they express all their bewilderment.
- "Neurotic" people belong to a different category. They may be anxious or pessimistic and are often very critical of others.
- "Selfish" people put their interests above everything else. They hate compromise and are also extremely susceptible to personal confrontation.
Step 2. Increase your frustration tolerance
The other person's behavior is beyond your control, but you can decide how to react and whether to involve them in your life. One way to do this is to increase your tolerance for frustration, which is to question irrational beliefs that can make you stressed, angry, or lose your temper.
- When you interact with a difficult person, you may think: "I can't deal with her anymore!". Before reacting to this irrational thought, take a deep breath and ask yourself what validity it is.
- The truth is, you can relate to this person. You won't die or go crazy because your mother-in-law is trying to handle every detail of the Christmas dinner or because your boss is yelling. You are a strong person and you can get by. The choice is how to handle the situation: will you stress yourself out until your blood pressure starts to rise or will you take a few deep breaths and hand your mother-in-law some carrots to cut so that she prepares her lunch?
- When you realize that you are using words like "I must", "I can't", "I should", "must", "always" or "never", reconsider your way of thinking for a moment.
Step 3. Examine your behavior
If people are attacking you all the time, you may be attracting the wrong kind of people. For example, if you are extremely negative, other pessimistic individuals are likely to gather around you. Instead, try to find friends who have an optimistic attitude towards life.
- When you have had negative experiences in the past, what was your role? What reaction did you get to a certain type of behavior. For example, let's say a friend of yours has targeted you. Do you answer her? Do you defend yourself?
- It is helpful to recognize your strengths and weaknesses. This way, when you have a confrontation with difficult people in the future, you will be better prepared to handle them.
Step 4. Reflect on how you perceive others
You probably get the impression that one of your friends is a complicated guy, but maybe he's going through a difficult time. Instead of hastily judging the behaviors of others, try to use all your empathy by stepping back and reflecting on how you would feel in their place. If you can grasp the nuances of character, you will be more likely to handle a plurality of conflicts.
- Practice accepting others by taking a deep breath and consider who is in front of you by appealing to all your understanding. Tell yourself, "I see you are in pain. I accept that you are anxious and scared, even if I don't understand why. I recognize that you are making me anxious too."
- When you accept something "as it is", by recognizing that you are facing a difficult person, you release the tension generated by hostility or trying to fight against them.
- Imagine an understandable reason that could be behind another person's behavior. Chances are you won't understand why a customer just sent you on a rampage for no apparent reason. Instead of getting angry, consider whether he may be suffering from a severe chronic medical condition that leads him to be short-tempered. It doesn't matter if the reason you can find is true or even realistic, as it helps you stay calm and not heighten negativity.
Advice
- Never swear. It will only serve to make the other person nervous and show that you have lost control.
- Always stay calm and, if you feel the need to express your anger, walk away.
