When you get to know the person you're dating, it is sometimes normal to ask yourself a lot of questions, for example you have doubts about their gender identity. It's not an easy topic to bring up, but being sensitive to her concerns can make your relationship easier in the long run. In this article, you will find potential signs to spot, but remember that you can never have absolute certainty unless this person tells you the truth. And if it does, how do you react?
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Identifying Possible Signals
Step 1. Look for certain features, such as the Adam's apple
The best clue to a person's original sex is the Adam's apple, although it can be removed by men who work to become women. You can also take a look at the shoulders, hands, hair and feet. If you are on hormone therapy, this can be a good indicator.
- But keep one thing in mind: you can never be completely sure. There are women with big feet, just as there are men with slender builds and in between. It is often difficult to identify a transsexual by physical attributes. Bodies are incredibly diverse, and a single physical feature won't give you any absolute confirmation.
- Hormone therapy can change everything. In addition, genital reconstruction surgery has become so precise that many people who undergo it (not all transsexuals do) are indistinguishable from those who have not.
Step 2. Listen to her voice
If this person is undergoing hormone therapy, they will still have their original voice. Male individuals at birth tend to have voices ranging between 85 and 180 hertz, while female individuals at birth tend to have a range of 165 to 225 hertz. Does the person you date have a surprisingly low or high register? It could be a sign.
Also pay attention to her voice as she sings. Sometimes people get used to disguising the voice they use to speak, but singing is different: they still don't consciously master the ability to change it. That said, just listen to Justin Timberlake for five seconds and you will understand that even this method is not foolproof
Step 3. Find out if he has ever changed his name
Most transsexuals sooner or later legally change the name to match the sex. Sometimes they also alter the surname, because a completely new identity may be preferable to a half change. Keep your eyes and ears open to see if it had a different name in the past. You could take a look at old photos on Facebook where this person has been tagged, go through old official documents, or just talk to their friends.
Someone does not legally change their name and just call themselves differently. Paolo can easily become Paola, Alessia can turn into Alessio, Giovanna into Giovanni, Lorenza into Lorenzo and so on. In this case, pay attention to who is addressing this person differently, or getting them to talk about the past could bring out the truth
Step 4. Take a look at the old photos (or notice missing them)
Social networks are officially able to spy and show you this person's past. If you take a look at his old photos, you might find an answer: Did he look different than he does now? The shots may be from the period before hormone therapy or surgery. If he doesn't even have an old photograph, he may be trying to hide the past.
Again, this is not absolute evidence. Maybe he's been sharing photos recently. Maybe she went through a period of strong masculinity or femininity. Until you talk about it, there is nothing you can do to be sure
Step 5. Talk to people from your past
If you get to know his friends, sooner or later the truth will come out. Someone uses the wrong pronouns, the old name or makes a reference to his physicality that otherwise would not make sense. Keep your ears open and you may find the answer for yourself.
Resist the urge to ask his friends questions. Generally, they too keep their mouths shut to respect the privacy of the person concerned. This passage mostly refers to a discreet observation; you don't have to express your true thoughts, otherwise word may get out
Part 2 of 3: Be Open and Attentive
Step 1. Never ask this person if they are transsexual, otherwise you are likely to offend them
If indeed it is, he has consciously decided not to tell you. If it isn't, you have accused her of something that you probably consider negative. In any case, asking the question directly guarantees you two possible outcomes, which are far from desirable. At worst? He'll throw his soda in your face. In the best? It will go away.
Moral of the story: life is his, and making this revelation to you can be very painful and even dangerous for this person. In short, she doesn't have to tell you, nor should she if she doesn't want to. Either way, he'll probably tell you before an intimate contact
Step 2. Examine your prejudices
If you are wondering if the other person is transsexual, perhaps you are harboring some negative stereotypes within you that are not based on reality, or you do not want to have anything to do with a person whose original sex was different from the current one. Also, if your reaction to this person's transsexuality is based on misunderstandings and preconceptions, the experience can be devastating for them, as they are already dealing with social rejection and abuse. Transsexuality doesn't detract from her as a person, and it needs to be treated the same way you would treat her if she wasn't transgender.
If the discovery of this person's transsexuality causes fear in you, read this article. It can help you understand what she is going through and how she is feeling
Step 3. Stop worrying about the other person's transsexuality
There are many other factors that should actually be taken into consideration, such as sexually transmitted diseases. If you're dating a trans person, wait for them to tell you. If all else has gone well up to that point, you can face the news when you get it. What's the problem if you're in the dark for now?
Hopefully, you will eventually find out. At this point, one of the following situations may occur: the relationship will continue or come to an end. It's not the end of the world. Just appreciate what you have now. If everything goes smoothly, great. If not, don't worry
Step 4. Keep an open mind
Many stories that began with a person who ignored their partner's transsexuality have a happy ending. If you speak English, the following two short stories are good examples: It Happened to Me: I Told My Boyfriend I Was Born a Boy and Falling in Love with a Transgender Man.
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Sexuality is fluid. You may feel attraction to a person regardless of their gender. And that's fine. Listen to your emotions and the feelings that this individual arouses in you. You may find that it has so many qualities that everything else doesn't matter. You will just have to let go of the "straight" or "gay" label you have imposed on yourself.
In any case, it is important to remember that transgender people belong to the sex they have chosen. They are not "men pretending to be women" or "women pretending to be men". They can have different physical characteristics, and not all of them maintain those of their original sex
Part 3 of 3: Respect your privacy
Step 1. Remember that this person is not trying to deceive you
Some people are so closed-minded that they think transsexual individuals are not open about their identity to make fun of others. He believes these people have no right to talk, flirt or get close to someone they are interested in. We need to put the record straight: this view belittles trans people as human beings. Incidentally, there are no rules or prerequisites for attraction.
All human beings need to socialize, flirt, relationships and love, even transgender people, and they don't have to put their cards on the table. For example, if you see a beautiful girl at the bar, would you approach her and say, "You know, I'm a man"? It would be useless. As a result, a trans person doesn't have to talk to you about their past, and there would be no harm in seeking contact with you
Step 2. Know the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity
For the record, homosexuals who become transsexuals are not doing so in order to convert to straight. In fact, it is often the other way around. Sexual orientation has nothing to do with gender identity.
Think of it this way: sexual orientation is about who you sleep with. Gender identity, on the other hand, implies who you want to be in bed
Step 3. Understand that society stands in the way of acceptance
In general, people feel the need to label things. There are straight, gay and possibly bisexual individuals, that's all. The rest is considered "strange" or "wrong". Consequently, trans people do not fall under any category (therefore they are misunderstood). Second, when they are forcibly pushed into a category, it is often negative. Why doesn't this person tell you the truth? Because you, belonging to the company, maybe you are not ready to know it.
If the world were a more understanding place, it wouldn't be a problem. This person would be happy to share this aspect of their life with you. Unfortunately, that's not the way things are, so don't expect him to expose himself to judgment. If you put yourself in his shoes, you probably wouldn't
Step 4. Let me tell you at the right time
If the relationship progresses, you will find out. Whether he lets you know verbally or physically, it will happen. And that's right. You will then need to analyze your feelings and define what you want to do from that point forward. That's all. It's not disgusting, it's not negative. It is what it is.
When he says to you, "There is one thing you don't know about me," this could be a sign. Calm this person down, tell them you accept them, whatever they want to tell you. Ask her why she hesitates to tell you and don't let her change her mind. You need to know the truth for the relationship to progress from that point on. She convinced herself to tell you. He just needs a few more exhortations
Step 5. Try to understand how you feel
Most people consider themselves straight, bisexual or gay, and leave very little room for anything else. In reality, it's not that simple. The vision of "binary sex" is gradually becoming obsolete. Is it possible that you are pansexual or bisexual? There are also labels such as "hetero-flexible" and "homo-flexible". Is it possible that this person is special enough to convince you to change your view of the world? Don't give the situation up right away.
- For the record, a pansexual person feels attracted to different types of people, ignoring the idea that there are only two genders. "Straight-flexible" and "homo-flexible" basically mean a straight or gay person, respectively, but with a few exceptions.
- Remember that sexuality is fluid. The idea that there are only men and women, straight and gay, is not accurate to describe how human sexuality works. But there's more: you don't win prizes for being straight. In this situation, you may need to update your concept of yourself. And that's just fine.
Warnings
- Do not tell others, unless the person concerned tells you that you can. If the person you date is transsexual, respect their privacy, regardless of your future together. The situation is very delicate, and you shouldn't betray her trust, even if you don't want to be with her in the end. However, some transsexual individuals are open about it, even if you need to make sure completely before telling anyone else.
- If dating a trans person doesn't interest you, that's okay, but that doesn't give you the right to consider her or anyone who wants to be together inferior. Human sexuality is extremely fluid and many are happy to be in a relationship with a transsexual person.
