If you suffer from depression, you are not alone. In Italy at least 1.5 million people suffer from depression, while 10% of the Italian population, that is about 6 million people, has suffered from a depressive episode at least once in their lifetime. Depression can be very difficult to manage, especially if you are feeling lonely and isolated. Receiving support from people is not only desirable but also has a positive effect during the recovery process. While it's not always easy to take the first step and tell someone you're depressed, you can get the support you want and need by talking to close friends. Fortunately, you have the opportunity to take and use some pretty concrete steps to prepare yourself to share your problem.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Prepare for the Conversation
Step 1. Accept that you are ready and willing to talk about it
You are about to reveal very important news, so it is absolutely normal for you to feel nervous. Depression is considered a mood disorder, and since there is a multitude of preconceptions about people with depression, people can sometimes feel stigmatized when they receive this diagnosis. However, realize that by trusting your problem, you will take an important step that will allow you to deal with it and heal yourself in the most effective way.
Step 2. Consider who you need to confide in
Many people have not just a best friend, but a bunch of close or "heart" friends. Therefore, you must think carefully about the person with whom you intend to share this news and understand if it is convenient for you to reveal it to him.
- If you are already in therapy, discuss with your therapist or psychiatrist about talking to a friend about your depression.
- If you have chosen a friend who can listen, discreet, trustworthy, serious, non-judgmental, supportive and mentally healthy, then he is the ideal person to share your concerns with. It could act as a release valve and help you keep your balance during the recovery process.
Step 3. Stop and think if you have any reluctance to confide in your best friend
If you are unsure whether your problem is disclosed to them, consider how you would answer the following questions:
- Does your friend use a derogatory tone when commenting on "unbalanced" people?
- Does it sometimes take on an air of superiority or do you judge people?
- Is he also going through depression?
- Is he sometimes insensitive to you?
- Can you manage emotions well?
- Does it gossip or spread gossip?
- If you have answered yes to any of these questions or remember some moments when your friend has assumed disconcerting attitudes and behaviors, perhaps it would be better to tell him that you are going through a difficult period, but that you have the situation under control, you are receiving the help you need and you will get in touch with him.
- That said, friends can sometimes surprise us. If he manages to let go of his usual attitudes because he is really worried about you and, for your part, you have no difficulty in giving him this news, you may begin to inform him gradually and see how he reacts. However, back off if you feel uncomfortable or agitated.
Step 4. Reflect on what you intend to share with him
How far do you want to go into your confidences? It is up to you to decide, regardless of whether you have received a precise diagnosis or not. At first, talk to him about what you think he should know about both depression in general and your situation in particular. What problems will you have to inform him about? What prejudices or unfounded opinions should be corrected? To what extent will you need to make him aware of your personal experience?
- Keep in mind that someone in their family may be suffering from depression and therefore are well informed about this disorder. On the contrary, he may know very little. In any case, you should do more research on this condition so that you can help your friend better understand how it manifests itself and how it can support you in the future. Furthermore, by informing yourself, you have the advantage of facilitating the recovery process!
- Remember that you don't have to explain why you are depressed. You don't have to give a valid reason for feeling sad or depressed. All you have to do when you express your mood to your best friend is to honestly tell him what you are feeling and ask him what you expect from him, be it support, patience, understanding or some space.
Step 5. Imagine his possible reactions
Even if you are able to predict how he will react, you will be better prepared considering the various possibilities. Also think about how you might feel depending on his reactions and how you might react in turn. By planning ahead, you will not be caught off guard and will keep the focus of the conversation in sight.
- Allow for the possibility that your friend does not understand you. If you have never had depression, you may not know the symptoms. Essentially, they may have a hard time understanding why you can't "stop feeling sad" or "get out of bed." For its part, it is not necessarily a lack of empathy or understanding. Sure he cares about you and wants you to get better, but he doesn't realize how such a disorder negatively affects people's lives.
- Another possibility is that your friend feels compelled to "heal" you. Maybe you think you can "lift yourself" from depression. It is not up to him, as such an attitude risks putting both of you under pressure.
- He may also react by abruptly changing the subject or bringing the conversation to himself. In this case there is a risk that you will feel hurt because you may think that he is behaving selfishly or that he does not care about you, but he is more likely not able to respond to what you have told him or that he is trying to do a compare with what he is feeling if he tells you that in the past he has been in a situation similar to yours.
- Prepare what you need to say and do in each of these scenarios. For example, if you have the impression that in front of your confidences he reacts using a language that suggests that he wants to "fix you", retort by saying that it is not his job (since you are not a "broken" object) and that what you expect from him is his support. If he has trouble accepting it, say, "I have to be able to solve my problem on my own. Your support means a lot to me, but you can't do it for me, even though I know you want to. It's like you want to help me with an exam., but you certainly can't study for me. If I don't acquire the necessary knowledge to pass it, I won't be able to pass it alone. My situation is very similar."
Step 6. Decide what information or answers you want from her
For a conversation to be fruitful, both interlocutors must find a "common ground" or a common base of knowledge. Think about what you expect from your meeting and how you want your friend to react. He will most likely want to help you, so plan to show him the right way.
- For example, do you "just" need a friend to listen to you and talk to? Do you need me to accompany you during the treatment? Do you need someone to help you with daily tasks, such as cooking, cleaning and doing laundry?
- Realize that your friend could help you with small chores, so it's best to talk to him with a clear idea of what you expect from him. You could also wait for him to ask you if and how he can help you and then discuss with him if he can help you in the way you would like. For example, you could ask him to talk to you in the evening for a few minutes to help you beat insomnia (a depressive symptom), check how your day went, or check if you have been on medication.
Step 7. Write down what you want to say
By taking notes, you will be able to collect your thoughts and organize them.
Once you've written them down, practice saying them out loud in front of the mirror
Step 8. Practice in conversation
Ask someone you trust and who knows your situation, such as a parent or your therapist, to have a conversation with you so you can prepare for the meeting. In this way you will be able to study the evolution of any scenarios: you will play your part and your partner that of your friend.
- React to everything the other person tells you, even if you think it's ridiculous or unlikely. Simply practicing answering absurd or weird statements from a friend can give you the confidence to face such a difficult conversation.
- In order for this exercise to be as fruitful as possible, try to answer realistically.
- Also use non-verbal communication. Remember that gestures, posture, and tone of voice are important elements in conversation.
- Once you have finished this exercise, ask your partner for an opinion by asking him to tell you in which points he went well and in which you should reflect more on what you say or improve the answers.
Part 2 of 3: Communicating with Your Friend
Step 1. Think of something to do with your friend
You can invite him for lunch or for a walk in a place that is pleasant for both of you. It has been shown that the mood of slightly depressed people improves when they focus their attention outside, perhaps engaging in some activity.
If you are in a good mood, you will be able to open up and talk more easily about what you are feeling. If you don't feel like keeping yourself busy, don't feel pressured to organize yourself. A conversation over a cup of tea in the kitchen or on the sofa will suffice
Step 2. Slowly introduce the discussion of depression as soon as you feel comfortable
The best way to start is by saying that you have something important to confide, so that your friend doesn't take your conversation lightly.
- If you don't know how to speak up or feel uncomfortable, try saying, "You know, I've been feeling a little weird / down in the dumps / upset lately. Would you like to talk about it?"
- Make it clear from the beginning of the conversation whether you want your interlocutor to simply listen to what you have to say or if you want to receive advice and suggestions.
Step 3. Tell your friend if this is a confidential confession
Let him know if what you are telling him is private or if he can tell other people about your problem.
Step 4. Tell him everything you have prepared for
Try to be as precise and direct as possible. Don't beat around the bush about what you need or expect from him. It's not a problem if you take a few breaks and seem unsure. The hardest part is talking!
- If you have a hard time managing yourself emotionally during the conversation, don't hide it. By making him understand how difficult it is to open up in this moment, he will also understand your state of mind and the gravity of the situation.
- If at some point you start to feel overwhelmed, take a break, take a deep breath, and collect your thoughts.
Step 5. Help him feel comfortable
If he seems in trouble, ease the tension by thanking him for standing by and listening to you, or apologize for stealing his time or putting him in an awkward position (if you see fit).]
Sometimes people with depression tend to feel guilty. Guilt can be persistent, but it can also be managed and contained. If you have this feeling during the conversation, learn to manage it by remembering that guilt is not something objective. By trusting your friend what you feel, you don't risk oppressing him. Instead of considering you a "burden," think that he may feel grateful that you trust him enough to reveal your problem and want to help you heal
Step 6. Engage him in the conversation
For the conversation to bear fruit, your friend must listen to everything you say. There are many ways to get his attention: making eye contact, using certain gestures and body language (for example, standing in front of the other person, not crossing your arms and legs), speaking clearly, and avoiding external distractions (e.g. for example, background noises, people passing by, cell phone ringing).
- Look for signs that he is listening to you. When a person is listening, they are deeply focused and try to understand what you are saying. Check to see if your friend looks you in the eye, nods, or gives pertinent responses to what you're saying (even "ha-ha" can be meaningful!). People show that they are following a speech by also contributing to the conversation, perhaps repeating or paraphrasing what they hear, asking pertinent questions, and making a commitment to keep the dialogue alive.
- When the other person no longer follows you or is at a loss for words, he may use fillers that act as a "passe-partout". They vary from person to person and can be used multiple times (for example, "interesting"). He may also become dull (that is, not finish sentences) or not be interested in continuing the conversation.
- However, keep in mind that these reactions can vary based on who you are in front of. For example, some people think better when they don't look their interlocutor in the eye and may avoid making eye contact on purpose to focus on what they are hearing. Think about how your friend expresses himself and how he behaves when paying attention.
Step 7. Try to end the conversation by deciding the "next step" to take
When a person (such as your friend) intends to offer their help, they surely want to know how they should act. It is typical of human psychology: we feel good when we do something for others. A good deed can also alleviate any guilt that may have arisen as a result of seeing someone in an emergency situation. Therefore, talk about how you feel as long as you feel it is necessary, but end the conversation by specifying how you can be helped. Remember what you were planning to ask your friend or what you expected from him as you prepare for this conversation and don't hesitate to tell him.
Step 8. Change the subject
Pay attention to your interlocutor and keep the conversation going. When you think it's time to change the subject, suggest another topic or finish by saying, "We should go home" or "I'll let you go, I don't want to take too much time."
It is up to you to take this initiative as your friend may find it difficult to end the conversation
Part 3 of 3: Managing Your Friend's Reaction
Step 1. Don't forget what your friend might feel
While the meeting should be centered on you, remember that those in front of you will have their own emotional reaction and it may not be as you expect it to be (it is best to tackle this scenario in a conversation exercise, as previously mentioned).
Step 2. Be prepared for a potentially negative reaction
Your friend may cry or get angry. It is normal when a person receives upsetting or hard-to-accept news.
- Keep in mind that it is a natural reaction and it does not mean that you have done something wrong!
- This could be a great time to assure him that you don't expect all the answers from him and that you just need to listen to you and be by your side.
- Don't view anger or crying as a sign of rejection. Try to pick up the subject one more time. In the meantime, find someone else you trust to talk to.
Step 3. Change your tactics if you feel the conversation is heading in the wrong direction
If you are having trouble communicating with your friend or find that he or she reacts without half measures, try these four steps that will help you manage yourself in difficult conversations.
- Investigation: Ask and make a remark. You might say, "Did I upset you by saying this? I wish I knew how you feel."
- Acknowledgment: Summarize what your friend said. You will be able to continue your talk if you help him calm down. By summarizing what he said, you will show him that you are listening to him.
- Harring: Once you get his point of view, you will be one step away from mutual understanding. You can take this opportunity to explain what you have learned about depression or suggest what attitude to take, for example by saying, "Don't worry. My depression has nothing to do with our friendship. You are my best friend and one of the few. reasons why I can still smile these days ".
- Troubleshooting: If everything goes right, your friend will have calmed down by now and will be able to accommodate your needs. Conclude your speech by saying everything you intend to say: help you find a therapist, accompany you to therapy sessions or just listen to yourself.
- If these four steps don't work, you may want to end the conversation. The other person probably needs time to accept what you told them.
Step 4. Expect him to reveal something about him
If he tells of having lived an experience similar to yours, it means that he intends to show you that he understands your situation or that he is able to relate to you about your problem. Based on the importance of his confidences, the conversation could take a new direction. If it happens, be involved, but at some point don't hesitate to find a solution to your situation.
Step 5. Be aware that your friend may be trying to "give a semblance of normality" to your situation
Basically, it tries to help you by making yourself feel "normal" (for example, by saying, "Everyone I know is depressed").
- Don't take this reaction as a rejection. The fact that he talks about his problems and that he tends to "give a semblance of normality" is actually a good sign, because it means that he is doing everything to connect with you and / or show you that he is accepting your situation.
- However, don't let the "normalization" tactic stop you from confiding in each other! At the moment it is not important to know how many depressed people your friend knows. The key thing is to talk about how you feel and how you are going through this difficult period. Continue your speech until the end.
Step 6. Confront someone else
No matter where things turn out, once you're done talking to your best friend, it can be helpful to share this conversation with another person - perhaps your therapist, someone else you are familiar with, or your parents. They can give you objective judgment and help you rework their reactions.
