Whether you hate someone because they hurt you or because they behave in a way that bothers you, it can be hard not to put too much weight on them. If you find yourself thinking about this person often, try to relax, breathe and clear your mind. It is normal for you not to like someone, but do your best to be friendly despite your differences. Talking to the person in question may be helpful, as long as you believe you can have a quiet, friendly conversation. You don't have to become best friends, but try to resolve the conflict and get along with him at work, school, or elsewhere.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Coping With Your Emotions
Step 1. Distract yourself
If you start thinking about the person you hate, keep your mind busy. Engage in an activity to try to distract yourself if you can't get the person or your negative feelings out of your head. Get on with work, listen to music, exercise, scribble or draw, write or keep a journal, read a book, newspaper or magazine.
Step 2. When you feel angry, breathe slowly and deeply
Try to relax and clarify your thoughts when you find yourself getting angry or thinking too much about that person. Inhale slowly as you count to 4, hold your breath for another count to 4, then count to 4 again as you exhale. Keep taking slow, deep breaths for at least 90 seconds or until your mind has shifted gears.
- As you breathe, try to focus on relaxing images, such as a beach or a pleasant place from your childhood. Visualize your negative emotions disappearing with each breath.
- When someone hurts you, it's hard to get it out of your head. Taking a break to clear your mind can help you stay calm and break a sequence of negative thoughts.
Step 3. Write a letter expressing your feelings, but without sending it
Writing can help you release your emotions and order your thoughts. Describe what that person did or what is bothering you. Tearing or burning the letter could help you symbolically let go of your hatred.
- Sending the letter could aggravate the situation, so keep it to yourself.
- Destroying the letter will ensure that no one finds it by accident.
Step 4. Let out with people you trust
Talking to a close friend or family member will help you let off steam. Getting a new perspective can also give you a better understanding of the situation. Talk privately with someone you trust and make sure they will keep your conversation to themselves.
Don't take it out on someone you hate in the place where you interact with this person, such as school or workplace. The rumor could get to this person or you could end up being labeled unprofessional or prone to gossip
Step 5. Get help from an authority figure
If this person has a habit of making you nervous, it is best to seek qualified advice. You deserve a safe environment, without anyone harassing you. If you feel upset repeatedly and intentionally, it's probably okay to ask someone for help. Talk to an authority figure, explain the facts: how this person treated you, what you tried to do to fix things and how all of this is affecting you. Be discreet, clear, and as objective as possible. Then ask for help on how to handle the situation.
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Bad example:
“Pietro is a cursed snob and I can't stand him anymore! It's like he's trying to humiliate me on purpose! He always criticizes me in front of everyone! I need you to take action against him!”.
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Good example:
“I'm trying to get along with Pietro but it's not working out. Often, when I show him my work, he lists out loud the things he doesn't like, most of the time in public. It makes me feel humiliated and I fear going to work for this reason. I've never seen him behave like this to anyone else. I asked him to give me his criticisms in private, but he refuses. I don't know how to handle it. I really need some advice.”.
Step 6. Consider talking to a therapist
If you have been severely abused by someone, consider seeking help. If someone has deeply offended or abused you, working with a therapist can fix your emotions. Seeing a professional is an even better idea if you are constantly angry or if your feelings of hatred interfere with your daily life.
Ask your primary care physician or friends and family you trust if they can recommend a mental health professional. You can also search for one online or check professional listings
Part 2 of 3: Interacting with Someone You Hate
Step 1. Reduce your interactions with this person
Usually, spending as little time as possible with the person you hate is the best option. Limiting contact is especially wise if you have recently had an argument.
- You may find that this person is easier to bear in small doses.
- Don't ignore him completely if you have to work with him on a project. If you have to work together, keep your interaction professional.
Step 2. Manage your reactions
If you need to interact with the person you hate, show them respect and control your emotions. You can't control her or her actions that upset you, but you can control your behavior.
For example, if you hate her for constantly criticizing everyone around her, do your best to ignore her. Try to brush off their comments by saying, "Well, to each his own. Anyway, let's get down to business and finish this project."
Step 3. Show her respect if you need to interact
When talking to her, focus on your work and try to be friendly and professional. Don't make sarcastic comments, don't insult her, and don't bring up your conflict. If she says something negative or annoying, ignore her and bring the topic of discussion back to work.
For example, if you have to interact on a project and she says something offensive, don't respond. Say: "The delivery date is fast approaching, so we should stay focused on work." You may be tempted to argue back at a nonsense she said or confront her, but it's not worth it
Step 4. Set boundaries clearly and explicitly
If the person in question is slimy or clingy, they may try to touch you or try to spend a lot of time with you, even if you don't want to. Clearly, politely and firmly define your personal boundaries.
- "Please don't touch me."
- “No thanks, I have other plans”.
- "I'm not interested. Try asking someone else”.
- “I asked you not to touch me. I need you to stop”.
Step 5. Spend time with this person if you wish to understand them better
It might seem counterintuitive, but gradually spending more time with the person you hate could help you understand why they behave that way. Get to know her better by working on a project or doing a business with her.
- Spending time with someone you hate might be helpful if there's something about them that bothers you. You may find that he does this because he compensates for an insecurity or simply because he doesn't know what else to do. However, if it hurts you or if its behavior goes against your ethical standards, try to avoid it.
- Spending time with her can be especially helpful if her behavior is similar to yours or if the responsibility for the situation is ultimately more yours than hers.
Step 6. Just learn to let it go
Thinking "Here we go again" and moving forward can be a very powerful attitude. Emotional disinterest can help you deal with a rude or irritating person without getting involved in their chaos. Mentally acknowledge that their behavior is inappropriate and that they have a tendency to repeat it. Then move on.
Try to respond to bullying with ambivalence. When he's being rude, just say "Ok", "Thanks for sharing" or "It's interesting" and change the subject
Part 3 of 3: Resolve the Conflict with the Person You Hate
Step 1. Take steps to find a solution
This can mean different things to different people and situations. Sometimes it could mean getting along, other times resigning yourself. And sometimes it just means moving on.
Step 2. Get to the root of why you hate this person
If someone has hurt you in a specific way, understanding why you hate them might not be too complicated. However, if it's not that obvious, think about what bothers you so much in what it does. You could talk to a trusted friend or family member to help you understand your feelings. Succeeding in doing so can help you resolve conflict and decrease your stress.
- It reminds you of someone who hurt you in the past.
- He has a character trait that you find in yourself that you don't like (for example, he is too sensitive, clingy or irresponsible).
- Do something that you think is morally wrong (such as being cruel or self-righteous).
- It has something you want: success, freedom, talent, self-esteem and so on.
- You are afraid that it will take your place or make you look bad.
Step 3. Try to develop empathy towards him
Think about the reasons why this person is behaving that way or why they did something to hurt you. He thinks he might do this out of fear, insecurity, or pain. Seeing her as a human, with a personal story, can help you empathize with her and move closer to forgiveness.
- For example, she may have been harshly criticized when she was young and now criticizes others, bragging about her accomplishments to boost her self-esteem.
- Even if someone's past doesn't justify their behavior, seeing the bigger picture can help you put their actions in context. You may still hate her or what she does, but having a better understanding can help you get along with her.
Step 4. Focus on getting along without making an effort to like this person
Don't expect to stop hating someone overnight and don't repress your emotions. Even if you agree that you disagree with her, you may still not like it. It's normal for someone to dislike you, but you should be able to get along with them at work or school (or in another context) despite your differences.
Step 5. Discuss specific issues with her if you can do it with confidence
Be calm, clear and reasonable if you cannot avoid someone and want to resolve your conflict. Speak in the first person to describe what is bothering you and how you feel about it, without making accusations or pointing fingers. Allow this person to respond without interrupting and suggest ways you could improve the situation.
- For example, you might say, "I feel insecure and disrespected when you reject and make fun of my opinions. We don't have to be best friends, but I'd like to find a way to make our relationship warm and respectful."
- Take a step back if it goes wrong. Simply say: "I don't want to fight, so I'm leaving" and walk away.
Step 6. Ask someone to mediate
Having your boss, teacher, or other authority figure as a neutral mediator could prevent the discussion from turning into an argument.
Step 7. Apologize if you acted inappropriately
Although some conflicts are completely one-sided, many times both sides have acted in a non-ideal way. Apologies can help reduce conflict and encourage a more fluid relationship. Here are some examples of excuses:
- "I'm sorry I accused you in front of everyone. Yes, your behavior bothered me and I had reason to be upset, but it wasn't appropriate for me to embarrass you like that. I should have pushed you aside instead of speaking in front of everyone.".
- "I'm sorry I called you a heartless idiot. I was mad at you, but that's not a good reason to insult you. I shouldn't have done that, and I'm sorry."
- "I'm sorry I was so critical of you. I realize it's my fault and I'm working on it. Please don't take any of my past behaviors too seriously. It's not about you, it's about me.".
Step 8. Don't try to become his best friend
Do your best to get along with this person but don't place huge expectations on yourself or her. Tell her, "Look, I know we've had our problems and we both know we'll never be good friends. We have to work together, so let's just agree to disagree and try to be nice to each other."
