A self-injurer is a person who cuts or injures himself in order to cope with emotional stress, distress or trauma. The problems that a self-injurer faces range from post-traumatic stress, physical or emotional abuse, to difficulties related to low self-esteem. The self-injured person usually uses tools to cause injuries or feel pain in order to be able to control the emotional pain they feel and calm down. For the record, their goal is not suicide, they often do it just to express their feelings of distress. To help a self-injurer stop cutting themselves and get out of this dangerous spiral, go to step one.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Coping with the Situation
Step 1. Get closer to your loved one
Express your concerns without judgment, in a safe and loving way. You can use very simple phrases, like "I'm worried about you", or "would you like to talk about it?". This will allow the self-injurer to know that you are aware of what is happening and that instead of judging him you are trying to help him.
- Reassure this person that they are not alone and that you are by their side if they need help.
- Thank him for trusting you and telling you this very personal secret. When he realizes your kindness and openness, he will be more likely to open up.
- Direct the conversation to the future, asking how you can help and not why they do this.
Step 2. Help him identify the triggers
These are the reasons that push him to cut himself. It is important to identify them so he can seek help once he realizes that he is in a situation that can potentially lead to a cut.
Causes vary from person to person, so it's essential to work closely with him to understand what drives him to cut himself. Ask him what prompted him to this behavior in the past. Where was he? What was he doing? What was he thinking about?
Step 3. Share methods for dealing with this with him
Teach him new ways to cope with stress, such as getting 30 minutes of exercise at least 3 days a week, going out into nature for a nice walk, finding a hobby, pretending to hurt himself by snapping a rubber band or drawing with a marker, or just spend time with friends.
Remind him that people tend to cope with difficulties differently and that they find ways to move forward that are more effective than others; that way he could just do some experimenting to figure out what works best for him
Step 4. Don't make promises you can't keep
Recognize your limitations. If you know that you will not be able to be with this person for the duration of the problem, then it is best to allow others to come into the game. Avoid making statements like "I will always be here" or "I will never leave you," especially if you are unsure if this is true. If you're not sure how much you can give, you might say "I'll do everything I can to help you."
People who cut themselves already have a lot of emotional stress in their life, and it can be detrimental to their progress to be surrounded by people who can't help in the long run. If everyone leaves him, he can only reinforce his fears. Remember that actions always speak louder and more effectively than words
Step 5. Stay calm
It is normal to be shocked after discovering such a thing, but the important thing is to remain calm. The first impulse you might feel is probably horror, but it doesn't help at all. Avoid saying things like “why are you doing this ?!”, “you shouldn't do this”, or “I could never do that”. These statements express a judgment that could worsen the self-harm's self-esteem and make him feel ashamed to the point of feeding the vicious cycle in which he finds himself.
First of all, take a deep breath. It is a situation that can be managed, but to do so you need patience and affection
Step 6. Try to understand the reasons that led him to behave like this
You can do your own research looking for as much information as possible on the mental state of the self-injured person. When a person cuts himself, he mainly tries to exercise self-control or to ease emotional pain. To be able to have a clearer overview of this person it is necessary to go to the roots of his behavior. Some of the most common reasons are the following.
- Most people do this because they believe that emotional pain is stronger than physical pain. Indulging in these injurious acts allows him to distract himself from feelings of anxiety, depression and stress.
- Those who get the cuts are often the victim of excessive criticism or abuse over the course of their life, which leads them to self-punish themselves through self-harming behavior.
- This kind of behavior helps the person escape from reality, which is why it lasts a long time. Believe it or not, the self-injurer sees pain as an outlet.
- It may happen that the self-injured person lives in a context in which this kind of behavior is normal, and consequently takes it as a means to be able to deal with difficulties.
Step 7. Show your support
The problem could be very serious and you may not be able to deal with it. Get ready, this person expects you to be there for them for a long time. The last thing he needs is someone to leave him in time of need. If you want to help him, make sure you can.
- But be careful not to get involved to the point of forgetting yourself and your needs.
- Avoid forcing him to desist from that kind of behavior, it is very difficult for that to happen. Listen to it and let it express itself. It has to do with him, not your sensitivity.
- Show empathy by trying to put yourself in their shoes and trying to understand their difficulties.
Step 8. Be patient
This process takes time, it won't go away overnight. Tell him not to expect to wake up one day and see life as a field of daisies - it won't happen. Especially it won't happen if he knows you have these expectations! Instead, without putting any pressure on him, let him know that you are sure he will make it, in due course.
- Validate her feelings about it, even if you disagree with her behavior. You don't have to teach him a lesson about how he should feel, but listen to what he is trying to say. Even if he has been cut for weeks or months, he needs to remain strong support, someone who is there for him anyway.
- For example, if he tells you that he cuts himself because he has really low self-esteem, you might reply: "It must have been really hard to say it out loud, thanks for telling me that. Even I feel down sometimes, it can get really bad., you are right".
- If you want to encourage him, you could say something like, "I'm really proud of how hard you are working on it!" If he has a relapse, which can always happen, don't judge him, but say something like: "Everyone has setbacks, sometimes. I'm here for you and I love you."
Part 2 of 3: Get it to help
Step 1. Get him examined by a doctor if necessary
Self-harm can become a complicated issue from both a physical and an emotional point of view. Physically, the wounds could become infected. Studies have also shown that, as with any type of addiction, the "dose" tends to increase over time, along with the level of pain tolerance. People who cut themselves will have to inflict wider and deeper wounds to satisfy their need to harm themselves. If not remedied quickly, the self-injured person can end up in hospital very soon.
Emotionally, those who cut themselves often hide psychological problems, such as depression, which can escalate into much more serious conditions than simply trying to escape emotional pain. The longer you wait to cure this type of behavior, the harder it is to neutralize it
Step 2. Help him find a psychologist or therapist
Don't overlook this possibility, even though most people who cut themselves often aren't willing to go to a doctor or admit that they have a problem. Don't force him, but encourage him to consult a professional. There is nothing to be ashamed of, it does not mean seeking help, it means finding a way to get better.
- Remind your friend that therapists are specifically trained to help people with truly difficult emotional lives and to create a completely non-judgmental environment, so that there is a place where you can feel safe handling the really tough issues.
- Do a search in the area where you live and find support groups and therapists who deal with self-harm, and recommend them to the self-injurer to help him get rid of his problem. Support groups and specialists are able to understand very well what self-harm is, and can help you support the path your friend has decided to take.
- Support groups are able to help self-harm more effectively; in those places people do not feel alone and no one judges them, because they are all in the same situation.
Step 3. Help him solve the root cause of his problems
The most effective solution that can stop self-harming behaviors is to identify the underlying causes of psychological suffering or anxiety. Once this point is clarified, it is easier to address the issue in a way that limits self-mutilation. You can use one of the following methods.
- Talk to this person frequently in a more open way. Listen empathically, identify with the problems that lead him to cut himself.
- Try to identify this person's thoughts and analyze their language, such as: “I feel satisfied when I do it, it makes me feel at ease”. It will help you understand what the real problem is, exploring it gradually. Help him analyze these arguments and replace them with something more appropriate.
- Think of better strategies to be able to cope with difficulties and talk to him to convince him to use them. This point in particular depends on the subject and the reasons that lead him to behave in this way. Some may need to be in contact with people, while others just need to be busy with something distracting them or to be alone and silent. What is the best method for you?
Step 4. Spend some time with him doing something exciting
You need to understand that this person needs emotional support and someone to motivate them to engage in healthier activities. Make him participate in one of your passions. Organize an excursion to the nearest natural park or a fishing trip, anything that might distract him from getting injured.
You don't have to be a mental health professional to make a self-injurer feel good. It is enough to know how to listen patiently and not to judge, even if it is difficult to be able to conceive this type of behavior. This person doesn't need your opinions, but your listening skills
Step 5. Help him learn useful techniques
It is very important to learn how to solve problems, cope with difficulties and communicate. Consult your doctor to help this person learn these techniques.
It may also be useful to consult online material, as long as the source is authoritative. You can help this person visualize real situations. Once he learns to cope with difficulties and solve problems, he will gradually lose self-harming behavior
Step 6. Distract him
Often the primary purpose of self-injurious behavior is to distract the mind from emotional pain and stress by seeking a pleasant outlet. You can help him find other things to distract himself with, this will reduce this unhealthy technique of his. Here are some ways to do this:
- Exercise. Maintains a good mood and reduces stress levels.
- Keep a diary. It serves to release distressing thoughts and to shape them.
- Surround yourself with loving people who take care of him.
- Tell her to do some other action instead of cutting herself. He could squeeze an ice cube, hit a pillow, tear sheets of paper, smash a watermelon into pieces, or write words on his skin with a marker.
Step 7. Pay attention to the people around you
Groups of friends, especially during adolescence, are very important. People often learn these behaviors right after seeing their friends do it. The media also play a very important role in this sense, since they often represent this kind of behavior without ever showing the real consequences. Try to keep an eye on the circle of friends he frequents and the cultural substrate to which he belongs.
For the record: Often changing circles of friends reduces self-injurious behavior to the point of stopping it altogether. The environment plays a decisive role, changing it leads to a change in behavior
Part 3 of 3: Do your part
Step 1. Be patient
This process will take time, it cannot happen overnight. Do not hope that one day he will wake up and see life all roses and flowers, it will not happen, especially if he realizes that you do not believe in the fact that he can succeed. Always remind him that you believe in him and his willpower.
It doesn't matter if you don't agree with what he says, show him your support. Don't lecture him on what he should feel, but hear from him what he feels inside. You have to be a rock to him, even if it will take weeks or months
Step 2. Be pragmatic
Help him identify the moments when he feels the need to cut himself in order to find the triggering causes. Teach him new ways to deal with stressful situations, such as exercise, contact with nature or engaging in a new hobby. Help him express his thoughts in a natural way. These are all things you can do to actively help him get out of this vicious circle.
You will need to be able to look at the situation without getting too involved in order to remain practical and logical. It's normal, staying logical will also help calm him down in the long run. When you manage to maintain control, the other also realizes that the situation is manageable
Step 3. Don't make promises you can't keep
Recognize your limitations. If you think you can't be there for the duration of the problem, it's best to leave it to someone else to help. Avoid making commitments like “I'll always be here for you” or “I'll never leave”, especially if you're not sure you can keep them.
Those who cut themselves have so many emotional problems that they cannot afford to entrust their life to a person who is unable to take care of them all the time. The abandonment could reinforce his fears. Remember that actions are worth much more than words
Step 4. Stay with him
Don't leave him alone if he is feeling emotionally disturbed, or he will resort to the usual self-harming behaviors to escape reality. Help him calm down and then deal with the problem to find a solution. Even if he doesn't want to admit it or ask it, it will do him good to be with someone who takes care of him.
Remember that self-harming behaviors are addictive; in the long run the pain becomes pleasant, which is why they are repeated continuously
Step 5. Avoid hostility and criticism
It is very important and can contribute to this person's escape from the vicious circle of self-harm. Hostility and criticism induce stress, and this fuels negative responses. Try using these techniques:
When this person behaves inappropriately, try to understand the positives first, rather than criticize them immediately. Try to understand and rework his ideas, rather than reject or criticize them. Make sure you are the co-creator of an environment that focuses on mutual understanding and cooperation
Advice
- In the United States alone, there are more than two million people who harm themselves or who cut themselves to relieve their emotional pain.
- Self-harm can become a compulsive behavior, which means that those who practice it simply cannot stop doing it despite knowing that it is not doing them any good.
