If you've had relationships that haven't lasted long, or if you're having trouble finding someone to build a long-term relationship with, the dream of having a long and happy love affair may seem impossible to fulfill. Fortunately, by following these steps you can improve the quality and duration of your relationships.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Starting Your Relationships with the Right Foot
Step 1. Get to know your needs and desires
Understanding your physical and emotional needs before starting a relationship is important, because you will need to be able to communicate these needs to your other half in order to have a satisfying relationship. You may already have a clear idea of what you want and need in a relationship, but if you have any doubts, you can answer these questions.
- Reflect on your past relationships to understand why they haven't worked out. What can you infer about your needs from those experiences?
- Think about how you react to people and events. For example, do you have a tendency to react emotionally, have a hard time trusting people or are unable to express your feelings? It may be helpful for you to know these character traits before starting a serious relationship.
Step 2. Make sure you are in a relationship for healthy reasons, not the wrong ones
Consider these guidelines:
- Healthy reasons for being in a relationship include: the desire to share love, intimacy, and companionship; wanting to grow as a person; offer and receive physical and emotional support; the hope of starting a family. It is important to note that these motivations are not only based on receiving love and support, but also on what you can give to your partner.
- Unhealthy reasons for being in a relationship include: being afraid of being alone, being afraid of being separated, and not wanting to lose your bond with your partner's friends or family. Using your other half to get security, sex, money, or get revenge on an ex are likewise very bad reasons for dating. If you start and continue a romantic relationship for these reasons, you would have great difficulty developing a long and happy love affair with your partner and could cause emotional pain for both of you.
Step 3. Choose your partner wisely
If you are hoping to develop a happy and lasting relationship, you need to choose your other half carefully. It's common to think opposites attract, but researchers have found that people who share some common goals, interests, and expectations often have more fulfilling relationships.
- Your partner's personality traits don't have to be the same as yours, but if you have different wishes regarding your relationship, it will be difficult to keep it going.
- Try to understand if your differences complement each other. For example, a more impulsive person might balance one who likes to plan.
Step 4. Be realistic
It is unrealistic to think that in a relationship there will never be difficult times or obstacles to overcome. The passion and infatuation you feel will subside over time, but with commitment you can replace them with deeper and more lasting feelings.
Step 5. Don't try to change your other half
While you may be able to get your partner to take out the trash or take the dog to do the business, thinking that you can drastically change a person's personality, opinions, or behaviors is a sure way to failure. In particular, experts suggest that it is nearly impossible to change these personality traits or ideas:
- Ideas about religion.
- Opinion on children.
- The temperament and the way to manage anger.
- The tendency to be an introverted or extroverted person.
- Interests, activities and hobbies.
- The relationship with one's family.
Step 6. Build a friendship
If you are hoping to develop a long and happy relationship, focus on creating a friendship with your partner. Experts have found that people who consider themselves friends are more likely to stick together.
- If you don't like spending time with your partner, your relationship won't be very successful.
- Find time to explore your partner's interests and hobbies. At first it may seem like a sacrifice to do something you don't like, but your partner will appreciate the effort in the future and be willing to do something you do. You will feel more connected to him and you will be able to better understand his personality, his desires and his needs.
- Try to identify your common interests and pursue them together. For example, if you both love the outdoors, go camping together.
Step 7. Don't think you have to do everything with your boyfriend
Couples sometimes feel the need to share everything, but this can make you feel stifled.
- Don't stop spending time with friends or family.
- Keep following the hobbies you used to have before starting the relationship.
Step 8. Be generous to one another
Generous people are willing to put the thoughts, feelings and interests of others ahead of their own. Researchers have found that when people are generous in a couple, they are able to create a more lasting relationship.
- Share what you have. You can do simple actions, like sharing dessert or something more meaningful, like offering your resources and your time.
- Don't be generous to get something back. Truly generous people are not generous because they want something from others. For example, don't choose an expensive gift because you hope to get one too.
Step 9. Don't rush
People in a relationship may feel the pressure to quickly reach the later stages of their romance, increasing the level of intimacy, moving in or marrying soon after they meet. While it can be exciting to think about the happy ending you hope to have and forging ahead to achieve it, taking the time to make sure you and your partner are on the same page helps to make your relationship stronger.
- You will both be safer and happier if the pressure does not crush you and if you are not in a hurry to progress quickly to the next stages of the relationship.
- The better you know each other and the more you develop your relationship, the higher the chances of success.
Method 2 of 3: Maintain a Long and Happy Relationship
Step 1. Don't be surprised by changes in the relationship
Just as you and your partner can change over time, your romance will evolve as well. Instead of trying to keep the same relationship unchanged over time, accept and appreciate the changes that come that make your relationship stronger and more stable.
- Some people worry that they don't feel the same level of infatuation or passion as they did in the early stages of the relationship, but that's completely normal. Due to the pressure of work, family, and other commitments, you may have fewer opportunities for intimacy as time goes on. However, research suggests that those in a steady couple have more rewarding physical and emotional relationships with their partner.
- Instead of worrying about the negatives of lasting relationships, think about the positives they bring. For example, does it seem to you that your bond with your partner is deeper? Do you feel safer and more trustworthy than in the early stages of the relationship? What kind of experiences and challenges did you go through together?
Step 2. You must be willing to invest time, energy and effort into your relationship
Cultivating a long and happy romance requires both sides of the couple to invest time, energy and effort.
- Instead of thinking that maintaining a relationship is a "hard commitment," think about developing and deepening the connection you and your partner share. Even if it means having to face some challenges, there will also be many pleasant moments, special occasions and exciting opportunities.
- Even if your relationship may seem very busy in some cases, focus on the benefits you can get from your investment.
Step 3. Treat yourself with respect
Mutual respect will help you build and maintain a lasting and happy relationship. Here are some effective ways to show your respect for your mate:
- Treat your other half as you would like to be treated.
- Be considerate and courteous, listening to your partner's opinion and opinion on the most important topics, such as raising children, and even on the more mundane ones, such as choosing a dinner menu.
- Always consult with each other before making decisions about future plans.
- Ask the other person how they feel, how their job, interests, and activities are going.
- Avoid insulting or engaging in other languages and behaviors that demean your partner. Sarcasm, fussiness, and pedantry may seem like minor flaws to you, but they can hurt your mate and make him become defensive or even hostile.
Step 4. Show how important your other half is to you
Many couples pay particular attention to birthdays and anniversaries, but expressing and demonstrating your appreciation for the things your partner does each day will help you develop a strong and happy relationship.
- You don't have to spend money to show that you care about the other person.
- Try to do something helpful or thoughtful without asking. For example, take out the trash or make dinner.
- Explain to your partner why it is important to you.
- When your partner does something nice for you, thank them and show your appreciation.
- If you want your other half to consider and appreciate you more, assume these attitudes yourself. Lead him with your example.
Step 5. Communicate with your partner
Poor communication can prevent you and your partner from having a long and happy relationship. Communicating effectively is the best way to make sure you are in tune with and trust each other.
- Regularly ask your partner how he is doing, and take the time each day to discuss personal and relationship issues, instead of just talking about children, work or household chores.
- Communicating is not just about talking. It is also important to listen carefully to what the other person has to say. Avoid interrupting yourself when talking.
- When your partner tells you how he feels, show him that you understand by summarizing what he said. You can start by saying "So what I understand is that _". Even if you disagree with the content of the sentence, this strategy shows that you are paying attention and helps you to feel empathy with your partner. It is also usually useful to prevent him from taking a defensive posture.
- Face-to-face communication, especially about your relationship, is often more effective than phone calls, texts or emails. When you look a person in the eye, observe their body language and notice their reactions, you are able to react better to the situation and respond to their concerns.
Step 6. Be honest
Couples who have an honest relationship are more likely to develop a happy and lasting relationship. The lack of trust that comes from dishonesty is a grave danger to any relationship.
- Rather than risk losing your mate's trust, be honest and speak out about your concerns and feelings. Even if the conversation is unpleasant and difficult, consider trying to regain a person's trust after being dishonest would be even more difficult.
- While honesty is key to a successful reaction, total sincerity can hurt. Try to be kind and sensitive when you talk about your concerns or when you have to give unpleasant news. If you were rude and tactless, your messages would not be received well, making you and your partner even more difficult to communicate.
Step 7. Remember that you and your partner may express your love in different ways
Each person demonstrates their affection and love in a unique way - considering this aspect can help you build a healthier and happier relationship.
Be sensitive to each other's needs, wondering what you can do to show your love and support. When you know a person's needs, you can directly commit to expressing your feelings in the best way possible
Step 8. Celebrate your differences
Instead of thinking about how much your partner irritates you with their behaviors or how different they are in their approach to certain topics, try to appreciate your differences.
- Think about how your differences complement each other and contribute to the success of your relationship. For example, if you are serious and your partner is more cheerful, think about how your personalities balance each other out. Does your partner force you to take everything lightly and are you able to help him focus on the most important things?
- People often find that an irritating personality trait or habit is also what attracted them to their partner.
Step 9. Spend some quality time together
Often, in stable relationships, people have a lot of commitments and it's easy to overlook the importance of quality moments. Spending time together regularly, without interruptions from children, pets, parents or employers, will help you build a deeper bond.
- Instead of just watching television or a movie, choose an activity that allows you to interact. You can plan a weekend trip, take a cooking class, take a walk in the park, or cook a dinner just for the two of you.
- Many couples find it helpful to make regular "dates". Plan what to do together, or decide the schedule in turn. Make sure you choose different activities so your outings don't become a routine.
Step 10. Find time for yourself
While spending quality time together is essential, spending time just for yourself will also help you maintain a long and happy relationship. All people end up getting on their nerves after some time - spending time away from home or alone can often help you appreciate your partner even more.
Follow separate interests and activities. You will feel independent, but also happier and more regenerated when you return
Step 11. Laugh with your partner
There are always challenges in relationships, but knowing how to maintain a sense of humor and laughing with your partner are important habits to overcome difficulties.
- Try to remember an experience you shared, or visit an amusement park or a place where comedians perform, to laugh together.
- Laugh together and not at each other, so as not to risk making the experience negative and failing to bond.
Step 12. Don't allow other people to interfere in your relationship
Unhappy in-laws, overly urgent parents, and overbearing friends can ruin your romance. Work with your partner to minimize negative interference.
- You don't have to completely remove these people from your life, but don't tolerate those who refuse to support your relationship or those who negatively influence it.
- If you or your partner are concerned that a person will negatively interfere with your relationship, talk about it openly and honestly. Work together to find possible solutions. For example, if your in-laws insist on coming to your home every year at Christmas, you and your partner can plan a trip together during that time and enjoy a few moments away from family pressures.
- You can listen to and respond to concerns people have about your relationship, but you can also calmly and politely explain how their involvement negatively affects your relationship with your partner.
- Make an exception to this advice if you are abused within the relationship or if the concerns expressed are valid. In these cases, don't isolate yourself and don't ignore the help of people who want to support you.
Method 3 of 3: Troubleshoot
Step 1. Don't try to win arguments
People often face arguments thinking they have to "win" and prove they are "right". This attitude, however, greatly limits the possibility of solving the problem that puts the couple at odds.
- If you only care about "winning" an argument, show your partner that you don't care what they think or feel. This behavior makes the relationship more confrontational and breaks the lines of communication.
- This behavior also suggests that the argument is about proving your dominance and that you are more interested in being right than solving the underlying issues.
- Trying to beat your mate won't help you develop a long and happy relationship. People who "lose" arguments often feel the need to take revenge, fight back and respond; they will almost certainly not like the end result.
Step 2. Don't play dirty
Just as facing an argument with the intention of winning is not good for your relationship, so is the use of bad tactics in fighting with your partner. Yelling, refusing to speak, blaming the other person, and deliberately making comments that you know will hurt your partner are destructive tactics that don't allow for relationship problems.
- You can explain that you are angry and frustrated without resorting to these bad tactics. For example, instead of blaming your partner or accusing him, focus on your feelings and be as specific as possible.
- Instead of putting the emphasis on "You are responsible for this," explain what hurts or angers you. Resorting to accusations often puts the other person on the defensive, and at that point loses interest in your worries.
- Don't use terms like "never" and "always", as these expressions are often inaccurate and only create tension.
- If these behaviors emerge during an argument, pause and resume the discussion when you feel calmer. Take a walk, take a deep breath, write a journal or play with your child. You will be able to control emotions better when you resume the discussion with your partner.
Step 3. Focus on one problem at a time and be specific
You will often be tempted to talk about a lot of issues in an argument and piling up all your complaints. However, this strategy makes your problems seem insurmountable and limits your ability to solve them.
Focus on the specific problem so that you can address it without complicating things or increasing the negativity
Step 4. Admit your mistakes
It is normal to make mistakes in a relationship, but refusing to admit that you were wrong or that you hurt someone will not help you develop a long and happy romance. To solve the problems that may arise and to build a relationship of trust and security in the partner, both people must be able to recognize their mistakes.
- If your partner has a concern or problem, consider them carefully. Since he knows you better than anyone else, his argument is very likely to be valid.
- Ask your partner for specific suggestions on how to prevent the problem from happening again in the future.
- If you can accept your mistakes, your partner will be pushed to do the same.
Step 5. Try to forgive
Feeling remorse and refusing to leave the past behind can make both of you miserable. While learning to forgive isn't easy, doing so will help develop a longer, healthier relationship.
- It can help to think back to why you felt hurt in the beginning. Ask yourself if what happened is as important as you felt at the time, and be willing to acknowledge your responsibilities.
- Ask yourself if something from your past can cause you to feel remorse.
- Think about the benefits you can derive from forgiveness. Not getting over negative feelings makes you feel upset, anxious and stressed, while forgiving can make you feel better.
- If you keep bringing up the things that hurt you in the past, you and your partner will end up feeling overwhelmed and have no hope of staying together in the future.
Step 6. Accept that you can't solve all the problems in a relationship
While you may feel like you have to solve all the problems that arise in your relationship, this is not a realistic prospect. People can have long, happy love affairs even without agreeing on everything.
- In some cases, what we identify as a problem in our romantic relationship is not as serious as we think. Try to get the right perspective on the situation by asking yourself if the problem is really insurmountable and if it needs a clear solution.
- Successful couples manage to compromise, adapt, and recognize small issues that don't jeopardize their romance.
Step 7. Know when to ask for help
If you are having trouble resolving the situation with your partner or communicating with them, don't hesitate to seek help from a relationship professional.
- Waiting until the problem becomes serious and is a threat to your relationship only makes it more difficult to resolve.
- It may be helpful to ask an impartial and experienced person in relationship problems for the opinion who can mediate or facilitate your discussions.
Advice
- To form a long and happy relationship, you need to become friends with your partner. Spend time looking after your interests, but don't foreclose on new paths.
- Show your other half that you care by doing something for her when she asks.
- Work to resolve differences by creating situations where both sides come out victorious. Winning at the expense of your partner doesn't allow you to foster a long and happy relationship.
