A fake friend acts as your best friend, but as soon as you turn around, they stab you in the back and spread insulting lies and gossip about you. Whatever the reason behind this behavior, it is important to learn to defend yourself. If the situation persists, you must find a way to end the harmful consequences this behavior has on your life, either by trying to heal the relationship with the false friend, or simply by moving on.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Protect yourself from Stabbing in the Back
Step 1. Check and double-check the authenticity of the stories you hear, before reacting accordingly
The rumors that circulate grow larger as they pass from mouth to mouth, and perhaps you are overreacting to an episode that actually did not unfold at all as they told you. If it's all true, go ahead.
Step 2. Gossip as little as possible
If you are with people you don't know, don't get into gossip. You may be tempted to do something useful by telling a new colleague or classmate all the terrible facts about a manager or teacher, but you can't know who that person will go back to. If you just can't resist the temptation to gossip or complain about someone, at least try to only do it with people who don't know the person you're talking about.
Listening to rumors and gossip can be fun, as long as you don't participate firsthand. If you can't stop gossiping, try to listen more and talk less
Step 3. Try to build a good relationship with everyone
Maintain a friendly and positive attitude, even with people you don't know. That way, even if someone happens to turn against you, others will be less likely to side with you.
At work, he treats everyone with respect, not just his closest colleagues and superiors. If you are too focused on your relationship with them, you run the risk of treating a receptionist, trainee or low-level employee with disdain, thus providing them with a valid reason to grudge against you
Step 4. Learn to recognize signs of unfairness as early as possible
The more time you give the fake friend to spread lies about you or to sabotage you, the more time and effort it will take to repair the damage. If you can recognize the signs of treachery early on, you can be able to prevent their manifestations before they degenerate. Consider the following warning signs:
- You get unfounded rumors about things you would have said or done.
- You said something privately to someone, and now everyone knows about it.
- They leave you in the dark about the information they gave you before, they no longer assign you work assignments, they no longer invite you to events they used to invite you to.
- They behave coldly or rudely towards you for no apparent reason.
Step 5. Remember that hostile or unfriendly behavior is not automatically a sign of disloyalty
Be careful not to make an elephant out of a fly by assuming you are dealing with a false friend. Certain disrespectful ways of acting, such as being always late, or having a sloppy or selfish attitude, are signs of superficiality, and do not necessarily reveal a scenario of intrigue against you. Not necessarily a sign of treachery are certain unhappy style lapses, such as canceling a lunch meeting at the last minute, or forgetting to call back.
Step 6. Keep track of events
As soon as you suspect that someone is behaving unfairly towards you, immediately start keeping track of the facts that make you suspicious. Take note of the events and reasons you think someone might have for intentionally harming you. This will allow you to evaluate a fact more clearly, to understand if it is just a misunderstanding or if it is part of a larger drawing.
If you think you are the victim of sabotage at work, write down all the times you have been professionally harmed in a diary. Don't forget to write down all the details related to your work, the positive feedback you receive, and any documentation you feel is useful to defend yourself if the acts of sabotage should escalate
Step 7. Identify the false friend
Once you are aware of the signs of sabotage against you, carefully examine the behavior and actions of others, in order to narrow down the field of identification of the alleged perpetrator. Observe the behavior of possible suspects several times, before drawing conclusions: an episode of rudeness can even mean a bad day. Here are some of the typical moves of a fake friend:
- Giving you an insincere compliment, or pretending to give you a compliment to make a criticism instead: this person may be disguising a feeling of anger or jealousy towards you.
- Always agree with you when you are alone, but side with others who think differently when you are in a group.
- Continuously bring up all past recriminations against you, and do not miss an opportunity to bring up alleged shortcomings on your part. Probably this person has held a grudge for a very long time, and feels entitled to demand revenge.
- Disrespect yourself, deliberately ignoring your opinion or not giving a damn about changing your attitude even when you ask them specifically.
- In addition to keeping an eye on these signs, think locally about the possible identity of the traitor. If confidential information is disclosed that you have provided only privately, it must be someone you confide in. If a project you work on is boycotted, it must be someone who has access to the material related to the project.
Step 8. Share your suspicions with a friend
Don't assume they are sabotaging you. Ask your friend to give you his honest opinion, and explain in detail what makes you suspicious. Try to understand if your suspicions are realistic and acceptable, or if you are making too many films.
- Talk to someone you trust, expressly asking them to keep your confidences to themselves.
- If you are suspicious of a particular person, talk to an acquaintance (not a friend!). If you do not have any trusted friends among the acquaintances of the possible suspect, contact someone who does not know him, and do not tell him what you think about that subject; rather describe in detail the incriminated episodes of which he became the protagonist.
Step 9. Don't become a false friend yourself
You may feel tempted to take revenge on the false friend by hurting him just as he did you. Getting sucked into such a vicious circle, however, would only make the problem worse and upset you further, making you more and more emotionally involved. Moreover, such behavior would certainly not do your reputation any good, with the result that, even if you manage to get rid of the false friend (which is unlikely), you could soon find yourself with the same problems as before.
Part 2 of 3: Managing an Unfair Friend
Step 1. Stay calm
Sometimes people behave incorrectly, and sometimes these actions result in a form of betrayal. Reacting by being offended is useless. It is always better, both in contingent matters and in general, to remain calm and focus on the practical aspects of the problem. Don't pretend that the problem doesn't exist, but continue living your life without becoming obsessed with the abusive behavior your friend had towards you.
Step 2. Encourage its positives instead
Being nice to someone who stabbed you in the back is probably the last thing you want to do, but if you can keep yourself calm enough to agree on at least some of their reasons, you may be able to fix the problem. Many people with passive-aggressive personalities, not least false friends, feel compelled to use devious and nasty systems because they think no one would consider them if they behaved fairly.
Offer to participate in some initiatives together. Do something fun that can distract you - it will help him feel liked again
Step 3. Talk to him directly
If you can't talk to him in person, contact him privately, via text message or email. Kindly tell him that you would like to talk about the recent episodes. Organize a one-on-one dialogue.
Step 4. Talk frankly about the situation without making the other feel threatened
Talk about the incidents that bothered you, and the repercussions they had. Ask the other person to confirm the facts, for example ask for confirmation that they really sent a certain text message.
Do not start the speech with the pronoun "you", as it could make him feel under accusation and put him on the defensive. Instead, use phrases like "I heard there are false rumors about me."
Step 5. Listen to his version
Your friend probably doesn't care about staying at loggerheads with you for eternity either. Let him express his version of events without interrupting him and without getting angry. There is always the possibility that there is a misunderstanding behind it, or that the situation is more complicated than it seems.
Step 6. Apologize, if you have done something wrong
Even if you feel that the responsibility lies more with him, make an effort to look at things from his point of view as well. Even if you are responsible for only one of the thousand incidents that have occurred, apologize to your friend if you have misunderstood or injured him unintentionally.
Step 7. When you feel ready, forgive him
If you want to rebuild your friendship, you have to forgive each other for each other's mistakes. Even if you don't feel like you can save the friendship, forgiveness can help you move on and stop the obsession with cheating right away.
Step 8. Discuss your friendship and any problems that come to your mind
Be honest and open. Whenever you feel that something is not going right, it is best to address the problem by talking about it in private. If you are down for their particular behavior or repeating relationship dynamics, freely express your feelings to the other person.
Step 9. Be open to change
As you discuss issues in your relationship with each other, you must be ready to change for the sake of mutual trust and your own well-being. If the circumstances under which you meet make your friend uncomfortable, it may be necessary to change the activity, manner or place of meeting. If your friend claims that you often say things that make him feel uncomfortable, try to pay attention to them, and avoid that nickname, that tone of voice, that way of saying, in short, everything that bothers him.
You will certainly make mistakes, especially when trying to break an old habit. When it happens, apologize, and forgive your friend when it happens to him
Step 10. If none of this works, end the friendship
Sometimes, the extent of the betrayal is so great that regaining lost trust becomes impossible. If your efforts have been sincere, but it still didn't work out, you need to think of a way to get out of it and move on.
- By now, you have probably had at least one discussion about the act of treachery that undermined your friendship. If your friend is not willing to do anything to save your relationship, simply cut off contact.
- If both of you have made every effort to rebuild the friendship, but without success, your friend is probably well aware of the reason for your discomfort. Inform him calmly that it's not working, and cut the bridges.
- Sometimes, friendships can be made to "switch off" spontaneously. Invite him less often, and don't answer every time he calls you. If you ignore him completely you risk hurting him, while letting a relationship fade gradually you get the same result, but with less pain on his part.
Part 3 of 3: Managing an Unfair Colleague
Step 1. Don't allow your colleague to interfere with your work
Focus on the work you are able to do without their help, and don't allow your anger to compromise other work relationships or harm yourself professionally. Don't give anyone reasons to be annoyed or disappointed with you.
Step 2. Give the disloyal colleague a chance to contribute positively
Most coworkers who behave treacherously are not sociopathic personalities, but people who think that acting subtle is the only way to get ahead, Make a sincere effort to acknowledge the positive contributions of the colleague in question, and try to encourage them as much as possible.
- In a meeting or a simple conversation, ask your colleague for their opinion on topics they are particularly knowledgeable about.
- Back him up when he comes up with ideas and contributions you share. But only do it if you really agree: you don't have to lapse into flattery.
- If your colleague reacts rudely to these demonstrations, stop and move on to other methods. There are people who are not interested in changing their attitude, and with them it is not worth trying too much.
Step 3. Talk privately with your disloyal colleague
Talk privately about the incidents that bothered you, in person or via email. Bring the issue out into the open, and see if the person is adult enough to discuss it peacefully.
Don't give the impression that you are making accusations. Use passive phrases, such as "I noticed that the project was not completed on time", instead of specifying the subject by saying "You did not complete the project"
Step 4. Provide evidence to support your grievances
As described in the first part of the article, you must be prepared to submit detailed documentation of the offending incidents. If the colleague denies the incident, show him the email or document that proves that the incident in question actually occurred.
If the colleague insists on denying the evidence, get a witness
Step 5. If your job is in danger, ask for an interview with a manager
If acts of disloyalty and boycott are likely to have serious consequences, ask for an interview with your supervisor, or with a person in charge of the personnel department. Do this especially if there are rumors that you have violated company policy, or that you have committed other actions that may be challenged by the company.
Get to the interview well prepared, with all the documentation you can. You will need documents, e-mail printouts, and all the useful material to constitute concrete proof of the sabotage of which you are a victim. Even positive feedback, and a record of the work done, can be used to silence the gossip that accuses you of negligence or lack of professionalism
Advice
- If possible, never count on that colleague's cooperation, and never ask him for favors of any kind.
- Don't be afraid to ask questions. If someone is reticent or ambiguous, ask them to explain themselves better.
Warnings
- Do not give confidential information to anyone with a history of unfair behavior.
- Be careful what you say. A false friend is able to turn your words against you.
- Don't confide in his friends - they'll probably side with him.
