Forgiving someone who has broken a promise can be very difficult, especially if it is a friend, relative or someone very dear to you. A broken promise may seem like a serious betrayal, and you may find that you feel a strong resentment towards those who have hurt you in this way. However, feeling a grudge has significant physical and psychological consequences. When you are unable to forgive, you mostly hurt yourself. For these reasons, it is very important to learn to forgive those who have disappointed you, while keeping the right distance from them.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Healing Emotional Wounds
Step 1. Accept the situation
To begin forgiving the person who hurt you, you must first accept the fact that they broke a promise. You shouldn't wish that she had been more reliable or that things had turned out differently, because that would only add to your resentment.
Step 2. Put the anger aside
By allowing yourself to feel anger at another person's actions, you give up some of your personal power. You cannot change the actions of others, and thinking about what they have done for a long time will only make you feel worse. Take control of the situation and don't allow betrayal or those who hurt you to have power over you. Here is what you can do to overcome anger:
- Use affirmations that change your point of view. Try repeating aloud, several times a day, "I must forgive _ for breaking his promise."
- To reduce overall anger levels, focus on gratitude and compassion by controlling your thoughts. When you begin to get angry because of the broken promise, ask yourself "What am I grateful for today?", In order to be able to regain balance before losing control.
Step 3. Focus on the positive feelings
Try to understand how much it hurts you to feel a grudge. Notice that negative feelings don't help you, in fact, they make you feel worse.
Remind yourself aloud, "I'm the one who feels bad because of my inability to forgive, not _." By eliminating negative emotions, you will be able to feel better
Step 4. Relieve physical stress
When you are angry with someone, your body triggers the "fight or flight" reaction. The body and mind are linked, so if you can free your body from stress and tension, you will be in a more forgiving state of mind. Deep breathing is a great way to get rid of stress and anger. To do it:
- Sit with your back straight in a chair. You will probably be more comfortable if you lean your back against the backrest.
- Close your eyes and keep a hand on your belly.
- Inhale slowly taking a deep breath. You should feel the air starting from the head and going up to the abdomen.
- Breathe out slowly. You should feel the air starting from the abdomen and going up to the head.
- Repeat the exercise for five minutes or until you feel calm.
- This process helps relieve stress by lowering blood pressure and slowing the heart rate.
Step 5. Talk to the person who cheated on you
Let her know how you feel and explain that her behavior has negatively impacted your life. This can help you ward off negative thoughts that constantly recur in your head, which are not good for your health and can increase your anger.
She may not be ready to apologize for what she did. It is important that you are able to forgive her and move on, even if she is not repentant. Forgiveness is not a means of reconciliation, it is a necessary step for you to be able to release negative energies and feel better
Step 6. Reflect on your growth
Each situation is an experience from which you can learn something. If you can understand that, despite suffering, you have learned something from the negative episode, forgiving will become much easier.
- Make a conscious decision to learn something from your experience rather than resent what happened.
- Ask yourself what you have learned from this experience, and reflect for a few minutes on the thoughts that come to your mind. For example, did you understand that you must always have a backup plan?
Part 2 of 3: Leaving the past behind you
Step 1. Try to be more empathetic
In some cases, uncontrollable events occur that force us to break a promise. Some people, on the other hand, may act with an ulterior motive. However, if you can empathize, it will be much easier not to hold a grudge, so try to look at the situation from the other person's point of view.
- Think about his intentions. You had good intentions but did something happen that led you to break your word?
- Understand that he probably didn't break his promise to hurt you. Often those who do not respect their word focus more on their internal or external situation and may not realize the impact that the betrayal of your trust has on you. For example, if someone promised to meet you at an event and told you at the last minute that they can't come, maybe they had a problem with their car, or they ran out of money and were too ashamed to admit it.
- Remember that everyone breaks their promises sooner or later. Think back to a time when it happened to you. Without a doubt, having to take your word back wasn't a good feeling, and the person you disappointed probably wasn't happy with either. Remember that we are all human and that in some cases events beyond our control occur.
Step 2. Show compassion even if the person who hurt you often breaks his or her promises
If you are dealing with a chronic irresponsible person, consider the events in their life that cause them to never respect their word. Such behavior may indicate recurring problems in your life that you may need help with. Perhaps it is an internal problem, for example the inability to put stakes in one's relationships, or an external one, for example misunderstandings with the spouse. Try to feel compassion for how the person who has let you down feels. If you're still very frustrated with broken promises and can't be compassionate, here are some ways to leave negative thoughts behind:
- Look for things in common with her. Maybe you both enjoy the same music or drive the same car… you can have a lot in common. Research shows that even tapping our fingers at the same pace as another person increases our ability to feel compassion for them.
- Don't blame her for your situation. Even if the person who failed to keep their promise gave you a negative experience, try to understand that you had other choices available to you. For example, if you were confident that she would take you to a job interview because your car is at the mechanic's but she didn't show up, remember that you could have a backup plan. Don't play the part of the victim.
- Consider the person who hurt you as an individual and not as "someone who broke a promise". Seeing that person as a human being with problems, you may feel more inclined to forgive them than if you portrayed them as a traitor who doesn't care about you.
Step 3. Remember the benefits of forgiveness
Being able to forgive someone who has wronged you offers you many benefits, psychological and physical. If you understand that leaving aside the grudge you will be better, you will find reasons to forgive. Here are some of the benefits of forgiveness:
- Psychological well-being.
- Reduction of depression.
- Less anxiety.
- Lower stress levels.
- Spiritual well-being.
- Improved heart health.
- Lower blood pressure.
- Strengthened immune system.
- Healthier interpersonal relationships.
- Increased self-esteem and awareness of one's value as a person.
- Research shows that the benefits of forgiveness are so pronounced because they counteract negative emotions and reduce stress.
Step 4. Make the decision to forgive
Forgiveness means leaving behind negative or revengeful feelings towards the person who wronged you. When someone breaks a promise, especially if they are a loved one, in addition to these emotions you will experience sadness and the feeling of having lost something. Forgiveness is the natural solution to the loss process.
- Forgiveness does not mean being weak. On the contrary, it is a very difficult choice, which favors your well-being.
- Forgiveness does not mean forgetting what happened. On the contrary, it is very important to put boundaries between you and people who are not trustworthy. You can still be friends with someone without asking for their help.
- Forgiveness does not mean reconciling a relationship. You can stop feeling a grudge without resuming a relationship that you think is unhealthy or toxic.
- Forgiving someone does not mean justifying their actions. Forgiveness is for you to get on with your life and it doesn't mean you need to find excuses for your neighbor. You can forgive and still take countermeasures, in order to protect yourself from suffering in the future.
Step 5. Stop feeling a grudge
Once the prep work is done, it's time to move on. Decide if you want to speak directly to the person who hurt you or if you prefer to go through this process in private. Here are some ways to express your forgiveness:
- Tell the person that you forgive them. Call her or ask her to meet you. Take the opportunity to tell her that you no longer hold a grudge against her and that you forgive her for breaking her promise.
- If the person who disappointed you has passed away, is unavailable, or if you prefer to free yourself from the grudge in private, you can express forgiveness to yourself in words. Find a quiet place where you have some privacy and say aloud, "I forgive you, _". You can go into more detail if you feel comfortable.
- Write a letter. This is also a great choice. You can decide whether to send it or throw it away. The act of writing it may be enough to free you from the grudge.
Step 6. Rebuild trust with the person who broke their promise by putting stakes in your relationship
If you have decided to continue the relationship or if the culprit is a close relative with whom you will still be spending a lot of time, you need to protect your personal space. Well-defined boundaries will help you feel safe and ensure that what happened does not happen again. You will be able to regain trust in this person and regain control over your life.
- For example, imagine your cousin promised you to keep your children so you could attend an important event, but denied her availability at the last minute. In the future, one of the conditions you can establish is that she must give you 24 hours notice when she is not available (barring emergencies), so that you can organize yourself differently. You could let her know that if she doesn't agree to your terms, you won't ask her to babysit your children again and you won't return the favor.
- Remember that as you regain trust in a person, the conditions in your relationship can change.
- It is especially important to establish clear terms with those who are in the habit of breaking their promises. Sure, everyone has problems, but you don't have to let anyone take advantage of you multiple times.
Part 3 of 3: Getting to Reconciliation
Step 1. Decide if you want to reconnect with the person who let you down
If you feel your relationship is healthy and you want to get it back, make it your priority. Also make sure that you are really ready and that you are not giving in to pressure from others.
- Emotions can interfere with the reconciliation process. Make sure you are healed before trying to resume a relationship. If you still hold a grudge, you can make things worse.
- In some cases, reconciliation is not the best choice for your well-being and you have to accept it. If you don't believe that a relationship should be recovered, you have every right to forgive someone without having a relationship with them anymore. It can be an embarrassing episode, but you can say, "I respect you as a person and I forgive you, but at the moment I don't think it's any good for any of us to continue this friendship."
Step 2. Call the person who disappointed you and tell them you appreciate them
One of the best ways to let her know that you have truly forgiven her is to show her that you like her. Let her know that despite breaking a promise, you still value her highly and value your friendship. To recover your relationship, it is important that you both feel appreciated.
- Here is an example of what you can say: "I know we disagreed, but I want to let you know that your friendship is of great value to me and I would like us to remain friends. I have a lot of fun when I'm with you, you give me great advice. and there's no one else I'd rather go out with on a Saturday night."
- Try to be as specific as possible when explaining why you appreciate her. This way you will appear sincere. Irony can also be useful, if it is appropriate.
Step 3. Tell the person who hurt you what your share of the blame was
Remember, every disagreement has two points of view. The way you interpreted the situation may be slightly different from hers. Let her know what you would have liked to have done differently.
- Even if she broke her word, consider how you contributed to the situation. Being aware of your responsibilities is important so that you can accept your share of the blame for creating the problem.
- You can ask yourself: "Did I make myself clear?", "Did I know you had a lot of commitments and I asked you to take on additional responsibilities?", "Did I overreact?". These questions help you consider your contribution to the situation that has arisen. By sharing the responsibility for what happened, the other person will no longer feel the need to defend themselves and the reconciliation phase will be easier.
Step 4. Ask the other person if they want to recover your relationship
Give her the freedom to decide. Don't assume that since she broke a promise, she definitely wants to reconcile with you. Remember that forgiveness is an internal process, but reconciliation requires the participation of both people.
- If she's angry with you, respect her right to be, even if you don't think her feelings are justified. In some cases, people unconsciously project their own guilt onto others. Give her some time and think positively.
- He may decide he doesn't want to resume the friendship. In that case, you need to be ready to wish her the best and continue to forgive her.
Step 5. Spend time together
Work to eliminate the gap between you. Disagreements resulting from broken promises can cause splits in relationships between two people. Give more priority to the time you spend together, so as to cancel this distance. Try to behave as normally as possible when you are together.
It can take a while to feel close to each other again and you have to accept it. Go on day by day and you will eventually get through this difficult time
Advice
- Give up hope of having a better past. The past has already happened - you can only focus on the present and the future. Don't dwell on what happened and how things could have turned out differently. Devote your energy to your future goals.
- Accept your decision to forgive. Accept that you are able to overcome the betrayal. Remember that leaving the past behind takes a lot of strength and dignity, qualities you should be proud of.
- Don't underestimate the mental benefits of forgiveness. It has been found that an 8-hour session about forgiveness can reduce a person's depression and anxiety levels as much as several months of psychotherapy.
- Don't underestimate the physical benefits of forgiveness. A 2005 study published in the "Journal of Behavioral Medicine" found that people who considered themselves more forgiving were healthier according to the following five criteria: physical symptoms, number of drugs used, sleep quality, fatigue, and medical complaints..
