Forgiveness is something that needs to be created. When it is the result of a thoughtful and effective reflection, it is able to transform thoughts, feelings and approach to life. Taking on the challenge of being able to forgive someone with the right mindset will help you achieve your desired goal. Tell yourself "I can do this," then commit to taking action and changing your emotions and thoughts. With the right determination and with the support and guidance of authoritative sources, you will become able to forgive yourself and others.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Take action
Step 1. Reopen the dialogue to maintain connection with the other person
Due to the hectic pace of our lives, it is difficult to keep in touch with friends. After an argument or a dispute, a relationship can become even more fragile. If you want to forgive someone, take the first step in reestablishing communication. Doing so will instantly make you feel more open and optimistic.
Taking the first step is never easy, so sometimes you will find yourself having to put in a lot of effort. Just tell yourself, "It's time to do it," then pick up the phone and make that call
Step 2. Ask to be heard
Whether you decide to meet the person face to face or communicate by phone or chat, the goal does not change: ask them to be able to calmly express your thoughts and feelings regarding your disagreement.
- Also, express your willingness to listen by being as understanding as possible. The other person will be more willing to cooperate and be equally open.
- In case the other refuses to meet you, don't lose hope. There are many steps you can take along the path that leads to forgiveness without the need for the other to participate. Remember that the act of forgiving is primarily aimed at making you feel better about yourself. For example, try to write down your thoughts and feelings in case it is impossible to communicate them verbally. Keeping a journal will help you process your feelings very effectively.
- By releasing those emotions that make you feel confused and overwhelmed in a diary, you will be able to relieve anxiety and stress in a healthy way.
Step 3. Discuss the problem
Some conversations in life are more difficult than others. Following a conflict and the emergence of negative feelings, it is not easy to reopen the dialogue. The goal is to rephrase the discussion to come to a peaceful agreement that allows you to heal your wounds and let go of any kind of resentment.
- First, thank the other person for agreeing to meet you.
- Second, tell her that your goal is to listen to each other as you express your respective opinions, and then try to reach a peaceful compromise that will allow you to overcome what has happened.
- Third, provide your side of the story, including the feelings you felt and the thoughts you had.
- Fourth, ask the person if they need any further clarification to help them understand your point of view before starting to present theirs.
- Fifth, ask the questions necessary to receive the information you seek so that you can understand the other person's intentions, motives, thoughts, and feelings.
Step 4. Apologize for contributing to the discussion
Most conflicts arise as a result of misunderstandings or false beliefs about the thoughts and actions of others. Your goal is to ease the tension of the situation. Taking responsibility for your behaviors is key to reaching an agreement, and it also helps you encourage the desired dialogue.
Step 5. Accept the apology
If you talked about what happened and the other person sincerely apologized, accept their apology. Even if saying the words "I accept your apologies" is difficult for you, remember that it is an important step, capable of increasing your ability to forgive both others and yourself.
Sometimes accepting an apology may not be easy. If you are doing your best to do it, be honest and say what you think: "I accept your apology and I want to forgive you, but I need some time to do it."
Step 6. Show yourself willing to move on
If you want - or must - maintain a relationship with the person in question, demonstrate this through your behaviors. As you walk the path to forgiveness, your relationship will improve. Do not feed grudges and resentments and do not recall the past. Also, do what you can to be cheerful and carefree in the presence of the other. Leaving an argument behind gives considerable relief; keep this in mind to be able to remain impartial and determined to achieve a state of total harmony.
Over time and despite early progress, you may find that you still have negative feelings, and allow them to affect how you treat the other person. It could happen during a slight argument or a somewhat heated argument. You may continue to feel hurt and have to work on yourself again. Do not worry, this is a normal condition, easily managed through dialogue and the sincere expression of your feelings, with the person in question or with someone else
Method 2 of 3: Change Thoughts and Emotions
Step 1. Exercise your feelings of empathy and compassion
Both can be developed and improved. As with any new skill, you will need to practice a lot. If you are able to treat others as you wish to be treated, it means that you have already come at least half the way.
- Take opportunities to show compassion. If you notice that the person in front of you is having difficulty opening the door, rush to help them. If you meet someone who appears to have had a bad day, greet them with a smile. The goal is that others can enjoy your good deeds.
- Increase your level of empathy by speaking - but above all by listening - to people outside your circle of acquaintances. Try to start a conversation with a stranger at least once a week. Go beyond just small talk and, in a respectful way, try to find out more about her life and experiences. Your world view will broaden, helping you to become more understanding.
Step 2. Put aside negative feelings
Fear, insecurities and the inability to communicate are the source of many wrong behaviors. Some people don't understand what drives them to act a certain way because they haven't observed themselves thoroughly enough. This does not, however, justify his actions in any way.
- Remind yourself that you are not supposed to help others improve and become fully evolved and conscious human beings. Wish the best for everyone, but don't let anyone stop you from moving forward and forgiving.
- Make an effort to understand what happened and why the other person acted that way. You can do this by discussing it directly with her or someone else you trust. Also do some specific research on the subject, online or in the library or bookstore. Information is what moves us forward, and studying the reasons behind certain human behaviors is also very interesting.
Step 3. Question your point of view
You most likely have strong beliefs about any situation in which you have felt hurt. Often our perspective becomes distorted and needs to find the right balance. Being willing to reevaluate and change your point of view is important, especially when it causes pain.
- For example, if you are constantly obsessed with remembering the conflict, start by recognizing that you are paying too much attention to it. Ask yourself the following questions: Compared to a truly serious or dangerous situation, are the current circumstances really that relevant? Is it worth giving it so much time knowing that I could spend my days very differently, for example enjoying my life? Reflect on the answers and try to change your perspective, preventing thoughts of conflict from consuming you unnecessarily.
- You may have decided to avoid some of your favorite social contexts so as not to risk meeting the person who cheated on you or hurt you. This decision could prevent you from being in contact with the people you love, depriving you of countless positive experiences. Decide you want to be strong and accept the invitations you receive. You don't have to talk to that person; if you cross her path, simply behave politely, avoiding getting involved in long discussions.
Step 4. Turn resentment into gratitude
Resentment means needlessly hurting oneself by harboring negative feelings toward someone else; try to counter them by converting them into feelings of gratitude. The more grateful you can feel, the less you will feel plagued by resentment. The reward for your efforts will be a better mood, certainly appreciated by those around you. Asking the following questions will help you change your thoughts, allowing you to counteract negative feelings:
- How do I feel when I have negative thoughts about the other person?
- Do I want to hurt myself?
- Are my negative thoughts alone in any way capable of hurting the other?
- In all likelihood, the answers will be: bad, no and no. Use this information to react differently and show greater gratitude: "I deserve to have positive emotions, I want to take care of myself constructively, and I want to do my best to avoid pain."
Step 5. List the benefits of getting rid of resentment
Let go of what prevents you from advancing towards the better. Some people allow resentment to take control of their lives and identify with the role of victims. Even when the facts prove otherwise, they are convinced that they can do nothing but be subjected to the actions of others.
- Ask yourself if you match that type of person. If so, you understand that it is possible to change this behavior.
- Letting go of the feelings associated with a conflict means having to first identify your negative emotions, and then examine the benefits of getting rid of them. For example, you may be able to feel free, light and relieved, able to focus on the positive things and able to let go of resentment, thus feeling that you have regained control of your life. The goal is to find plenty of evidence that your life would undoubtedly be happier if you could put the past behind you.
Step 6. Don't stop trying
If, despite the many attempts made, negative thoughts continue to plague you, chances are you need to process your emotions on a deeper level. Try talking to a trusted friend or family member, or write down your thoughts in a journal or do physical activity to physically "burn" negative emotions.
Hearing you say "let go of the past" when you don't feel ready to do it yet might annoy you. Take a deep breath and respond by saying, "I'm working on it, but I don't feel able to do it yet."
Step 7. Get involved in some fun activity
Rediscovering your playful side could help you move on. The game drives away all the negative thoughts that we normally harbor.
- For example, you could go to a beach and fly a kite. You will need to stay extremely focused and you will feel amused and satisfied. By providing you with an excellent distraction, the game will allow you to evaluate the situation from a different point of view. As is well known, laughter is the best medicine. Games and laughter will help you stay positive and upbeat when faced with difficult situations.
- Rearrange your agenda by scheduling at least one appointment a week for play and fun.
Step 8. Dull the anger
Being upset and angry is bad for your health. Exercising or expressing yourself through art allows you to process anger and reduce feelings of anger, anxiety and stress. To be able to forgive, it is essential to be able to free yourself from any emotion related to anger and resentment.
- Try running, hiking, or lifting weights to release the energy built up by the conflict. Exercising stimulates blood circulation and releases endorphins, substances that increase feelings of pleasure and reduce pain.
- Meditate alone or in a group. For centuries, numerous cultures have used meditation to overcome negative thoughts related to angry feelings and develop positive ones.
- Bringing a painting, sculpture, or even digital artwork to life could allow you to effectively shift focus and constructively rework anger.
Step 9. Restore trust
When we allow others to be part of our lives, we accept to take risks. Sometimes the people we love could hurt us and destroy the trusting relationship we have built together over time. Allowing him to regain our esteem is an essential part of the process that leads to forgiveness.
- Allow the person to be reliable, trustworthy, and sincere. Create opportunities for her to show her goodwill. When we give something, we tend to receive significant positive rewards in return.
- For example, consider accepting an invitation from him to the cinema. The person will have the opportunity to be punctual, respectful and to help you spend a few pleasant hours. If you decide to turn down any of his proposals, you will have no way of realizing that he is really trying to regain your trust.
- If the betrayal involved a lie about the other person's whereabouts, suggest that they can check with messages or phone calls.
- Don't overlook the importance of acknowledging the efforts made to regain your trust. Let the other know that you appreciate each and every attempt to recover.
Step 10. Enjoy experiences that allow you to improve yourself
Events and people become part of our life to teach us something. Each situation allows us to become more able to face future ones and helps us to be more in tune with our desires. As human beings we are learning all the time, both from good and from evil.
- Sit down and make a list of the things you learned from the event you are trying to overcome. Perhaps you have realized that it is not good to act as guarantor to a friend who has bad financial habits, that not everyone chooses to pay the rent first and then use the remaining money to have fun, or maybe you have learned that a roommate can be a lot. disrespectful of other people's things and prevent you from getting the deposit back from the owner of the apartment.
- Don't forget to list every positive aspect of what happened. Often when we are in the midst of a difficult situation we tend to focus solely on the negative details, but no circumstance is totally unfavorable. Perhaps thanks to a negative event you have realized that it is better to know in advance the habits of your tenants and in the future you will be able to study without being disturbed and be sure that you are not the only one having to take care of the house cleaning.
Method 3 of 3: Ask for Help
Step 1. Find a therapist
If you are having a hard time forgetting someone and feel that your life is being adversely affected, it may be helpful to consult a qualified therapist. Therapies aimed at promoting forgiveness are very effective in helping people to overcome painful past events, allowing them to reach a state of inner peace.
- Ask your doctor, a friend or family member for advice; together you can select an experienced therapist who can help you get better. Alternatively, try contacting your city's mental health department directly.
- If you feel that you are not in tune with your chosen therapist, look for another one. Every professional is different and it's important to find one that allows you to feel comfortable in their presence.
- Look for a psychotherapist who practices cognitive-behavioral therapy. With its help, you will be able to examine and break the negative thought patterns that you have developed over time.
- Consider seeking a spiritual guide. Many people find comfort in religion and feel guided to forgive by their spiritual leaders. The power of prayer can help you relieve suffering and feelings of guilt and shame, factors that for various reasons push people to seek forgiveness.
Step 2. Set goals to help you get better
Commit to changing your behaviors. Setting goals will provide you with significant benefits, both psychologically and physically. Take the path by allowing yourself to be open and vulnerable. Make an effort not to lose course when faced with the first difficulties. Your determination will be rewarded with a healthy feeling of fulfillment.
- Identify your goals. For example, you may want to stop feeling anger at a family member who has hurt you. Share your intentions with your therapist.
- Reward yourself every time you reach a goal. It will help you feel more motivated and satisfied.
- Instead of giving up, review and change your goals.
- Each time you hit a milestone, set a new one to keep yourself energized.
Step 3. Strengthen your support network
Surround yourself with people who care about you. Family and friends can certainly be included among those who wish to offer their support. Expand your circle of acquaintances and meet new people to broaden your support network. Thanks to the therapy you will have learned to have more confidence in yourself and to show yourself more enterprising. A good support network will help you relieve stress, while also boosting the effectiveness of your immune system.
Analyze your interests and sign up for groups, seminars and classes that allow you to make new friends and have new experiences
Step 4. Forgive yourself and accept
Sometimes the hardships of life make us feel bad about ourselves. You may feel guilty for not taking care of yourself in a given situation or blaming yourself unfairly for what happened. Instead of trying to suppress or eliminate feelings of guilt and shame, you can learn to manage and overcome them.
If you have chosen to rely on cognitive behavioral therapy, your therapist will help you examine how you view yourself and develop new, more helpful and positive thoughts
Advice
- Sometimes it can be helpful to notice how other people have been able to forgive in very difficult circumstances. Ask your friends for help, their stories will be an example and motivate you to do the same.
- Research has shown that the willingness to forgive is closely related to whether or not the person feels they should continue interacting with the person who hurt them. So decide if you feel it is necessary to be able to forgive.
- It is never too late to seek help from a mental health professional. Change is not easy, but it is always possible when you have the will to make an effort and find ways to deal with obstacles.
- Thanks to their extensive training, psychotherapists are able to help people overcome difficulties that negatively affect their lives.
- Apologizing honestly and honestly increases your chances of being forgiven.
- If you have served as a military officer and witnessed acts contrary to your moral principles, you could benefit greatly from gaining the ability to forgive yourself through psychological support therapy.
- Visualize the life you would like using your mental energies, preferably early in the morning when they are at their full potential. See yourself in the future completely free from pain and suffering.
Warnings
- Forgiving is difficult, but living with grudges and resentments is even more difficult. Carrying a grudge can be very dangerous and can risk hurting others in totally unexpected ways.
- Some mental illnesses hinder the ability to forgive people who suffer from them. A psychopath may be completely unable to feel any form of guilt or shame for offending someone, both of which motivate us to forgive.
- Unconditional forgiveness is not based on any act and is not required by the person responsible for the offense. The purpose of forgiveness is to free yourself from the feelings of anger, depression, and despair caused by holding a grudge.
