By “manipulative behavior” we mean an attempt to indirectly influence someone else's behavior or actions. Emotions often cloud the judgment of humans, making it difficult to see the reality behind the ulterior motives in different forms of behavior. The modalities of control related to manipulation are sometimes not very obvious and can escape, buried by a sense of duty, love or habit. However, you can recognize the signs of manipulation and avoid being a victim of it.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Observe the Manipulator Behavior
Step 1. Notice if the person always wants you to speak first
Manipulators prefer to listen to what you have to say to identify your strengths and weaknesses. They ask you inquisitive questions, for you to express your personal opinions and feelings. These questions usually start with "What", "Why" or "How". Their responses and actions are based on the information you provide.
- Always expecting you to speak first by itself shouldn't be considered manipulative behavior. Also evaluate the other attitudes assumed by the person.
- The manipulator does not reveal personal information during conversations, but focuses on you.
- This attitude, if held constant in most conversations, could be a sign of manipulation.
- While hers may seem like a genuine interest, remember that she probably has an ulterior motive. If you try to get to know the person better but they refuse to answer your questions or change the subject, their interest may not be genuine.
Step 2. See if he uses his charm to get what he wants
Some people are charismatic by nature, but manipulative ones use their charm to achieve specific goals. They may compliment you before making a request, or give you a gift or card before claiming that they will do you a favor in exchange for something else.
For example, someone might prepare a special lunch or be mushy before asking the other person for cash loans or help with a particular project
Step 3. Beware of coercive behavior
Manipulators convince others to do something using force or threats. They would be able to inveigh against a person, criticize or threaten him, just to push him to do what they want. A manipulator might start by saying, "If you don't do this, I _", or "I don't _, as long as you _". He will use this tactic, not only to force you to do something, but also to prevent you from continuing to adopt a certain attitude.
Step 4. Be careful if it changes the cards on the table
If he manipulates facts or tries to overwhelm you with a variety of information, he is probably trying to manipulate you, lying, making excuses, keeping the truth hidden or exaggerating. Someone might even act like an expert in a specific subject and bombard you with facts and statistics, to feel stronger about you.
Step 5. Notice if a person is always acting like a martyr or a victim
She might do things you didn't ask her to do and then throw them back at you. "Doing you a favor" may demand that you reciprocate - and complain if you don't.
A manipulator might also complain by saying "I don't feel loved, I'm sick, persecuted, etc." in an attempt to gain your compassion and hoping you will do things for him
Step 6. Consider if their kindness has conditions
They may be sweet and kind to you if you do a certain task well enough, and they may get mad if you do it badly. This type of manipulator generally has two faces: an angelic one for when he wants to please you, and a terrible one for when he wants to scare you. Everything is fine as long as you don't disappoint his expectations.
You may feel that you are walking on eggs for fear of making him angry
Step 7. Observe the behavior patterns
All people sometimes engage in manipulative behaviors, but true manipulators do it regularly. They have an ulterior motive and intentionally exploit others to gain control, power and privileges, at the expense of others. If this happens all the time, you may find yourself faced with a manipulator.
- When you are manipulated, your rights and interests are often trampled on and are not important to the other person.
- Remember that disabilities or mental illnesses can play some role. For example, a depressed person may end up in a spiral of guilt without manipulative intent, and a person with attention deficit disorder (ADHD) may have a hard time checking their emails regularly. This does not make them manipulative.
Method 2 of 3: Evaluate Your Communication
Step 1. Notice if it makes you feel inadequate or judged
A common tactic is to pester and ridicule yourself so that you don't feel up to the task. Regardless of what you do, the manipulator always manages to find something wrong. Nothing you do will be done well enough. Instead of offering you helpful advice and constructive criticism, just highlight the negative aspects of your work.
All of this can happen through sarcasm or ironic jokes. A manipulative person might joke about your clothing, the car you drive, your workplace, your family, etc. Although her comments are masked by humor, you may still feel helpless or in an inferior position
Step 2. Notice if he closes in stubborn silence
A manipulative person uses silence to gain control. It may ignore your phone calls, messages and emails for a very long time, to make you feel insecure or to make you believe that you have done something wrong. You will wonder why the other person is in control.
- Stubborn silence is usually unmotivated and unwarranted.
- If you ask the person why they are silent, they may deny that something is wrong or accuse you of being paranoid or exaggerated.
Step 3. Find out if he wants to make you feel guilty
The sense of guilt is aimed at putting you in charge of his behavior, his happiness, his failures or his successes. You will end up feeling obligated to perform tasks for their own good, even if they are nonsense.
- Feelings of guilt are usually preceded by statements such as: "If you were more understanding, you …".
- If you find yourself accepting things that you wouldn't normally accept or that make you uncomfortable, you may be the victim of manipulative behavior.
Step 4. Notice if you continually apologize
A manipulator could turn a situation around to make you believe you have misbehaved. This can happen by blaming yourself for something you didn't do or by making you feel responsible for a situation, for example if you had an appointment for 1:00 and show up two hours late. When you face him, he replies by saying, "You're right, I never make a right one. I don't know why you keep talking to me. I don't deserve to be a part of your life." In doing so, he gets your compassion and is able to change the subject.
A manipulative person will misunderstand anything you say in the worst possible way, forcing you to apologize for what you said
Step 5. Be careful if you always compare yourself to others
In an attempt to force you to do something, he may tell you that anyone does, specifying the name of a person who would actually accept his proposal, or that other friends or partners would. They may even claim that you are stupid if you don't do so, to make you feel guilty and to get you to comply with their requests.
"Anyone else would do _", or "If I asked Maria, they would", or "Everyone thinks it's okay, except you," are all phrases to force you to give in by making comparisons
Method 3 of 3: Tackling a Manipulator
Step 1. Know that there is nothing wrong with saying "no"
A person will continue to manipulate you as long as you allow them to. You must learn to say "no" to safeguard your well-being. Looking in the mirror, practice saying "No, I can't help you with this", or "No, it won't work for me." You have to stand up for yourself, because you deserve to be treated with respect.
- You shouldn't feel guilty for saying "no". It is your right.
- You can politely refuse. When a manipulative person asks you to do something, try answering "I'd like to, but I'm too busy in the next few months" or "Thanks for asking, but it's not possible."
Step 2. Set some stakes
The manipulator who deems everything unfair and pretends to fall apart is trying to earn your sympathy in order to achieve his own interests. In this case, he will leverage the sense of helplessness and ask you for financial, psychological or other forms of support. Watch out for behaviors and comments like "You are the only one who can help me", "I have no one else to talk to", etc. You don't have to or don't have the means to always meet another person's needs.
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If it says "I have no one else to talk to", try to counter with concrete examples like:
Do you remember yesterday when Grazia came to see you and you talked all afternoon? And Silvia said she is happy to hear from you on the phone whenever you need to let off steam. I'm willing to talk to you for another 5 minutes, but after that I have an appointment that I cannot miss
Step 3. Avoid self-pity
The manipulative person will try to make you feel inadequate. Remember that he is manipulating you to make you feel bad about yourself, and the problem is not you. When you start feeling bad about yourself, acknowledge what is happening and put your feelings first.
- Ask yourself, "Is the person treating me with respect?" "Are you making adequate demands and do you have reasonable expectations?" "Is this a one-way relationship?" "Do I feel comfortable with myself in this relationship?"
- If the answer to these questions is "no", then probably the problem among you is the manipulative person, not you.
Step 4. Be confident
Manipulative people often trick and twist the facts to make themselves more attractive. When you find yourself faced with a situation of this kind, ask for clarification. Explain that you don't remember that it went exactly as it claims and that you are curious to understand better. Ask simple questions about when you both agreed on an issue, how he thought a certain conclusion was reached, etc. When you find an understanding again, consider this the new starting point, not its distorted fact. For instance:
- The manipulator tells you: "You never defend me in meetings; you only think about your personal interests and you always leave me to the sharks."
- You respond by stating, "That's not true. I thought you were ready to expose your ideas to investors. If I thought you were making mistakes I would have intervened, but I felt like I was doing a great job on my own."
Step 5. Listen to yourself
It is very important to listen to your instincts and feelings about the situation. Do you feel overwhelmed, pressured, or forced to do things for this person that you would rather not do? Does his behavior seem to affect you all the time, so that, after helping him once, he expects you to always guarantee him your help and support? Your answers should serve as a guide to how far your relationship with this person will go.
Step 6. Avoid guilt
One of the key things to keep in mind when escaping guilt is that the sooner you cut it, the better. Adopt the boomerang effect in regards to feelings of guilt and do not allow the manipulator's interpretation of your behavior to affect the situation. This means that you consider what he said to you and respond to him stating that he was disrespectful, reckless, exaggerated, or rude.
- If he says to you, "You don't care about all the hard work I've done for you," try to counter by saying, "Of course I care about what you've done for me. I've told you so many times. you don't appreciate my interest."
- Reduce the manipulator's control over you. When he tries to make you feel guilty by pretending it doesn't matter, don't believe him.
Step 7. Focus on the manipulator
Instead of allowing him to ask you constant questions and requests, take control of the situation. When you are pressured to do something unreasonable or uncomfortable, ask questioning questions.
- Ask him, "Does this seem fair to me?" "Do you think it's reasonable?" "How will it help me, how will I benefit from it?" "How do you think this makes me feel?"
- These questions could lead him to pull the oars in the boat.
Step 8. Don't make hasty decisions
A manipulative person may try to put pressure on you to make a quick decision or to wring out an immediate response. Instead of giving in, tell her, "I have to think about it"; in this way you will avoid indulging in something you don't want to do or find yourself with your back to the wall.
If an offer disappears if you take the time to think about it, it could happen because you wouldn't have made it even if you had the time. If someone pushes you to make an immediate decision, the best answer is "No, thank you"
Step 9. Create your support network
Focus on your healthier relationships, and spend time with people who make you happy and confident. Search among relatives, friends, teachers, partners and / or friends on the internet; these people can help you stay balanced and content - don't isolate yourself!
Step 10. Stay away from manipulative subjects
If you find that it is becoming difficult or harmful to interact with a manipulative person, keep your distance. It's not up to you to change it. If it's a family member or colleague you can't completely avoid, try to limit interactions to when they're absolutely necessary.
Advice
- Manipulation can occur in all types of relationships, including romantic, family, or platonic ones.
- Pay attention to a manipulative pattern in certain attitudes. If you can predict with certainty how someone will behave to achieve their goals, you are probably on the right path to identifying manipulative behaviors.
