If you spend less time in the company of your friends since your relationship began, and your family often points out that you no longer seem like yourself, you have probably become entangled in a destructive relationship that has led you to give up your individuality. and your strength. To get them back, you will need to determine if indeed all of this is happening because of your relationship. If so, the best choice you can make will be to end this devastating bond.
Steps
Method 1 of 2: Understand that a Person is a Manipulator
Step 1. Ask yourself if your relationship is oppressive
Read the questions below (formulated by the University of Virginia) and answer truthfully, without trying to justify your partner's behavior (i.e. don't say He doesn't ALWAYS behave this way or He only happened once or twice). Simply answer with a yes or no. If you find that you answer with a lot of yes, there is a good chance that you are in a despotic relationship. Your partner:
- Does he embarrass you or make fun of you in the presence of friends or family?
- Does it undermine your results or your goals?
- Does it make you feel unable to make decisions?
- Does he use intimidation, threats, or your own guilt to get what he wants?
- Does it tell you what you can wear or not?
- Does it tell you what you should do with your hair?
- Does he tell you that you are nothing without him (or vice versa)?
- Does he treat you harshly - does he grab you, push you, squeeze you, push you or hit you?
- Does he call you, or does he come to you, several times a night to make sure you are where you said you were?
- Do you use drugs or alcohol as an excuse to offend or abuse you?
- Does he blame you for his feelings or behavior?
- Does it sexually force you to do things unwillingly?
- Does it make you feel like there is no "way out" of your relationship?
- Does it stop you from doing the things you want - like spending time with friends and family?
- After arguing, does he try to stop you from leaving or does he leave you somewhere to "teach you the lesson"?
Step 2. Pay attention to what others think about your partner
Speaking with his friends, have you ever heard something about your better half that made you say: "Eh? But he told me something else entirely … you must have misunderstood"? Have you ever considered that your friends may be right? This is a big red flag.
- When they control or manipulate you, they generally tell you half-truths and omit many things; in short, it is not a question of real lies. This means they make you doubt for a moment but don't really question your relationship.
- If you notice this happening more than once, STOP and remind yourself that this has happened to you before. Start analyzing the discrepancies between what your partner is saying to you and what mutual friends are saying. If more than one person has told you something other than what your significant other said, talk to them. In case your reaction and responses don't satisfy you, it's time to reevaluate your connection. Please do not postpone this analysis, it could save you from a future made of unhappiness.
Step 3. Keep your support system unchanged
Getting away from the people you always ask for advice will only empower your partner by making you think it's "your" decision.
- Remember that a manipulative person will not respect your friends and that when they point out their rude and mean behavior, you will react by saying "You don't know him as well as I do" or "You are very wrong." Also, if your partner keeps saying nice things about your friends when you are alone, it will lead you to believe that your loved ones are just jealous and don't understand it. The kindnesses pronounced behind their backs will make you forget about his rudeness towards them.
- Realize that telling your family and friends phrases like "You must understand it as I do" is a bad sign. Why do you think it should be only others who understand this and change their behaviors to suit yours? Wouldn't it be easier if he tried to fit in? When you start to think that the people you love don't understand it, it becomes much easier for him to control you, as this situation will cause you discomfort; in fact, you will walk away from them and he will become the only person you can count on.
Step 4. Understand that excessive possessiveness is certainly alarming
A protective partner is sweet, but if it is too sweet, it becomes worrying. Do you measure the time you spend at the supermarket or post office? Does he actually interrogate you if you come home 10 minutes late or if you leave without telling him exactly where you are going? If he sees you talking to someone, does he ask you a thousand questions about this person? Does he accuse you of not giving him the right importance after simply spending a few hours with a friend of yours? Never underestimate these signs.
A little jealousy is normal, even nice, but it shouldn't matter in the relationship. A jealous partner doesn't trust you. And if he doesn't trust you, there's no reason to hang out with him
Step 5. Pay attention to cases of two weights and two measures
Does your partner apply double standards to your respective behaviors? He pretends that you are not offended if you have waited for him for two hours straight, but he gets angry if you arrive five minutes late? He may flirt with other people, but does he accuse you of infidelity even if you accidentally look at another? A further worrying sign occurs in the event that he judges you negatively regardless: for example, if you are saving money, he tells you that you are stingy, if you spend too much, then you are not giving the right value to money. I mean, whatever you do, it never suits him.
Step 6. Beware of "cute apologies" and constant offenses
The situation is this: he does or says something unacceptable, then admits he was wrong, and finally promises to change by sounding absolutely sincere and convincing. However, there is nothing honest about his words: it's all written in the manipulator's script, to try to leverage your compassion while keeping your interest high. Expect to relive the same scenes the moment he realizes he has you in his hands again.
At this point, he may even be heartbreakingly asking you to help him change, especially if you've made him realize that next time you won't be so tolerant. He may also give you gifts and insist that he is a sincere person, and that he really loves you. Remember that while this may also be true, it is a toxic and authoritarian love. Over time, these ideas will erode your self-esteem. You will begin to believe that you do not deserve the best treatment and that he is the best you can ever hope for in life. Don't believe it: you are worth so much more and you deserve only the best
Method 2 of 2: Put Yourself First
Step 1. Be honest with yourself, even if it hurts
This won't be fun - relationships like this never are. But you have to get into what you feel and your personal concerns or you will never understand things. Is this relationship healthy or unhealthy? Try to be objective as you analyze how things have changed since this relationship began.
Let's be honest: sex obscures your judgment. Remove gender from the equation immediately. It should never be the only reason you're with someone. It doesn't matter how pleasant it is
Step 2. Think about how your partner makes you feel
You are the most important person in your life, right? Don't overlook your feelings as useless, prejudiced, or too impulsive. If you feel bad in this relationship, it means that you are being treated badly. End of story: get out of there. This is especially true if:
- Sometimes you fear your partner's reactions and behavior.
- You feel responsible for his feelings.
- You constantly apologize to others for their behavior.
- You believe you can help him change, if only you can change something about you.
- Try not to do anything that could create conflict or anger.
- It seems to you that whatever you do, your partner is never happy with you.
- Always do what your partner wants instead of what you want.
- You are only with your partner because you fear what he might do in the event of a breakup.
Step 3. Evaluate the changes in your relationships with others
Do your family members suddenly become tense when they are in the company of your partner? If all, or almost all, of the people who love you behave in this way, then it is clear that something is wrong.
- Does this person bring out the best or worst in you? Does the relationship encourage mutual improvement or have you noticed a negative change in your way of being influenced by your partner's character, which pushes your family and friends to distance themselves?
- Observe how he behaves with your family and friends: does he interrupt them when they talk? Does it contradict them? Does he have a contemptuous attitude? If you feel you need to justify it in front of your loved ones, it is obvious that you are not with the right person.
- Have you realized that it is much easier to avoid spending time with loved ones so as not to apologize for their behavior?
Step 4. Find out if love, infatuation, and desire have blinded you to your partner's flaws
To tell the truth, it is perfectly normal for feelings to temporarily drive the person in love "crazy", especially at the beginning of a bond. Indeed, it can even be considered positive and necessary. However, sometimes affection blinds us and prevents us from seeing signs that we shouldn't overlook, especially if, deep down, we know that our family and friends are right about the true nature of our sweetheart. Ask yourself the following questions:
- Do you often find yourself apologizing or defending his behavior? If you get defensive every time someone gives their opinion on your relationship, you are probably already aware that yes, the problem exists and that it is difficult for you to accept it rationally.
- Remember that people who have healthy relationships have nothing to hide, especially from the one they love. Of course, in a healthy relationship it is not necessary to reveal every aspect of your personality to your partner, but if your bond is good, the people around you will understand that this person makes you happy and brings out the best in you.
- Do you always twist your plans in favor of his? If you always do what he wants and you only see his friends, then something is wrong.
- Have you replaced your family and friends with your partner's friends or new acquaintances? Severing your stable ties with friends and family you've always known means making him the center of your universe, avoiding any kind of competition for your attention.
Step 5. Don't blame yourself for loving this person
You have to realize that she is only fantastic on the surface and that it is not your fault that she attracts you so much. Manipulative individuals are characterized by a mix of intelligence, talent and self-esteem (albeit only apparent; in reality, they have no self-confidence at all). They are unable to let things flow naturally: they feel the need to control everything because they are terrified of failure and defeat. However, it is easy to fall into their trap because, on the outside, they are charming, funny and smart.
Either way, you need to acknowledge that they use your love for them against you to trap you in the relationship. The only person who can break this vicious circle is you
Advice
- Resist the temptation to be bitter with the experience. You have survived a very difficult situation and you have the opportunity to tell about it.
- The key point of this whole discussion is this: the control of a manipulator happens in a subtle way and, often, does not manifest itself immediately. To understand if you are with such a person, you must try to grasp all the details and possible alarming signs over time. Either way, don't lose common sense. A single signal generally does not count. If, on the other hand, you notice at least four or five, talk to your loved ones: they will surely give you a confirmation that will help you question your relationship.
- Make sure your relationship isn't one-sided and that your partner doesn't just receive. If in view of an important date - an exam for example - your partner promises to let you study during the time spent together, but later changes his mind, perhaps uttering derogatory phrases such as "You shouldn't study when we are together, you should dedicate the your time to me. That exam isn't really that important and it's rude not to spend your time with me, "be careful, it's a red alert. A healthy relationship is based on giving and receiving. A manipulative relationship forces you to constantly choose between the important events and people in your life and your partner. Giving in a relationship doesn't mean simply showing your feelings through gifts. It means cooperating together on non-romantic subjects.
- Don't underestimate the opinions of your friends and family - your loved ones really have your best interest at heart. Remember that one person's opinion may be wrong, but if there are a lot of people telling you the same thing, maybe it's time to change your perspective. Have they pointed out that you have been acting differently than usual lately and that you are changing for the worse? Have they expressed negative opinions about your partner? Answer these questions honestly to better understand your situation and try to resolve it.
- Often, authoritarian people are the first to want to end their relationship, and they can become apathetic and aloof towards their partner. Nevertheless, if they don't have to say the end, even if they are clearly interested in someone else, they will lose their minds and spend hours reproaching an abandonment that is meaningless to them.
- We all, from time to time, behave in a manipulative and authoritarian manner. It is human to want to be right or to want to pursue one's goals; however, if reading this far you have recognized more than one alarming signal in your relationship, it is time to take a closer look at the bond you have with your partner, to try to find a fair solution.
- Don't be mean, you don't need to act like your partner to get out of your relationship. Just communicate your point of view: you don't feel good together and you want to break up your relationship. And that's that. Do not try to emphasize the warning signs listed here. These kinds of people don't want to recognize them. It would be like looking for a needle in a haystack - a waste of time.
- Never underestimate the threats of an authoritarian person and prepare a security plan. Remember that he may try to submit to his power and keep your distance. If you need help, call the police or contact a telephone support service.
- If you decide to end your relationship, apologize to your family and friends if you have underestimated their views on your ex in the past. Freed from pent-up anger and pain, they will be happy to help you and get back to the wonderful person you were before your devastating relationship.
Warnings
- A highly manipulative and authoritarian person often had a traumatic childhood or is suffering from mental disorders. Don't hope you can change or save her, no matter how much you love her. The best way to help her is to refuse to be a victim and direct her to professional support.
- Compassion is not easily assimilated or accepted by these people, and it could be used against you, causing further pain to both of you. Ending the relationship might seem cruel, but it will put an end to the fights and force the person to move on or ask for help.
- If you are the victim of stalking, threats of suicide or threats aimed at your person, immediately contact the competent authorities or the police. Although this person is not necessarily dangerous or violent, it will be better not to find out. If necessary, request a restriction order.
- If this person shows up at your door after the breakup, don't open it, especially if you are alone in the house. If you decide to talk to him make sure someone is with you (however not recommended). Despite your desire to be compassionate, the best, and simplest, approach is to eliminate all types of contact.
- Manipulators are more prone than other people to stalking and the onset of violent behavior. If you feel persecuted, contact the authorities and pay particular attention to your safety (avoid being alone, always stay with friends or family, avoid running into this person and, if necessary, request a restraining order).
