Ending an authoritarian and manipulative relationship isn't easy. If you think you don't have the courage to shut it down or that your partner won't make it without you, even if it hurts you, you won't be able to live on your terms. Here's how to prepare for the breakup, execute the plan, and not fall back on it.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Prepare to End the Relationship
Step 1. First, recognize the relationship status
Many authoritarian and manipulative relationships last much longer than necessary because the victim denies the situation. Maybe you think your partner is a bit moody or demanding when, in reality, this person has slowly taken control of every aspect of your life. Any sign?
- Your partner has slowly taken control of every single aspect of your life: how often do you go out with your friends, where do you go for dinner …
- Your partner has angry or emotional outbursts followed by declarations of need or love. In this case, he is trying to control your emotions.
- You tried to leave him, but he threatened you by telling you that he would hurt you or himself.
- Your partner is extremely jealous, and he hates it when you go out with your friends, especially those of the opposite sex. Try to control your public relations.
- Your partner criticizes you in front of your friends and families, doesn't allow you to speak too much in public, and silences you with a creepy look.
- You give in more and more to his needs because you are afraid of how he will react if you do otherwise.
- You are forced to do things you don't want to do, especially sexually.
- You despair to try to please your partner at any cost, so you have stopped thinking about yourself.
- Your partner makes you believe that it is not possible to end the relationship and that you will not find another person who will want you.
Step 2. Consider all valid reasons for ending the relationship
After you have defined it, you have probably started to think that your life will be better without this person. This idea will have to motivate you to come up with a plan to leave. Write these reasons to fix them in your mind and reread them to understand that you absolutely must get rid of this person to start living again.
- For starters, get your personality back. Make a list of all the things you loved to do before the relationship, from eating frozen yogurt with your friends to spending hours walking alone. In short, take back everything that was taken from you.
- Begin to recover the relationship you had with your friends before your girlfriend walked into your life and told you that you would spend every night alone. Write down your favorite memories shared with your friends and family and think about how much fun you enjoyed.
- Get your self-esteem back. Right now, it's probably based on what your partner thinks, but it's time for a change, especially if she's turned down due to an unstable person.
- You can stop living in constant fear and anxiety. Instead of worrying about how your partner will react to what you will do or say, live your life.
- You can also get a friend to help you write this list to motivate you even more.
Step 3. Plan what you will say
You will have to talk little and avoid your partner trying to intervene to beg you not to leave him or to promise that he will change so that you stay together. You won't have to give him a million reasons or remember all the disappointments, or you will complicate the breakup.
- Just say "It's not working" or "It's better to leave us". Add a few more short sentences.
- You won't have to be vindictive or blame, or you will blow his emotionality.
- Speak calmly. Don't yell, cry, or move from one part of the room to another. You will certainly feel anything but calm inside, but if your partner notices a hint of emotion, he will take advantage of it.
- Having decided what you are going to say, practice to master the words.
Step 4. Decide how you will talk to him
The way of speaking is essential when dealing with an unstable or manipulative person. First, consider whether he is a violent individual and evaluate his possible reaction; in that case, you will need to talk to him in a public place and perhaps go there with a friend.
- If you don't want to deal with him in person, write him a letter or email. If the situation has gotten worse between you, the way you end the relationship won't matter that much.
- Once you decide to end the relationship, you need to act quickly and consider the right time. Don't do this after drinking or in the middle of a stressful event. Opt for a more or less peaceful day.
Step 5. Think of an escape plan
If you live with this person or if you have a lot of things in their home, you should think about how to get them back. You can do this before you break up, so you don't have to come back. Let some friends help you when your partner isn't around. This will give you more confidence and motivation to leave.
If you live with this person, you should find a place to stop before you break up, or you will be tempted to return to them
Step 6. Visualize the end of the relationship in your mind
Before talking to your partner, repeat in your head that the relationship is over and that you will inevitably suffer. If you have already started imagining yourself single without having said anything to the other person, you will feel stronger because the decision will already be final for you.
Method 2 of 3: Execute the Plan
Step 1. Be firm
Being so is really important. Once you say something, there is no going back or changing your mind. Speak the words you practiced and walk away, even if this person were to cry. Remember your reasons.
This person will say "But you didn't give me a chance to explain." Too bad, in reality the opportunities were not lacking
Step 2. Don't dwell on it and don't dig up the past
The less time you talk, the less you will give this person a chance to argue. Remember, it's not a negotiation, so don't be open to dialogue. Tell her what you need to say and walk away.
Step 3. Keep a safe distance from this person
Don't let her touch you, hug you, or push you to stay with her. If he tries to take you by the hand, you can feel tempted and stray from your purpose, which is to walk away.
Step 4. Don't get manipulated:
it will probably also happen during the breakup. Don't let him swear to you that he will change, tell you that you won't find anyone else, or try to convince you by telling you that he will marry you, buy you a house, or learn to manage his anger.
Remember that you are ending the relationship because you are tired of this very behavior. And it will no longer have any effect on you
Step 5. Don't tell this person where you will go
While it may seem obvious to understand that you will be staying with your parents or in your best friend's house, don't talk about it. He may follow you or become a stalker.
Step 6. Go away
Do not turn your back: this person has made you suffer and feel a nothingness, you have had enough. Walk tall towards the door and don't look back.
Method 3 of 3: Stick to the Plan
Step 1. Avoid being in contact with this person
Don't let them call you, text you, chat to you, or show up in places you frequent (you can also request a restraining order). Talking to her will confuse and hurt you, making the situation worse. Don't be fooled if she tells you she just wants to chat and that she misses you - she'll do anything to win you back.
- If you need to talk to her, perhaps to retrieve your belongings, go to her house with a friend or ask her to take them to a public place.
- If you have a lot of mutual friends, you might want to stop seeing them for a while. Don't go to the same places as before for some time, even if it means quitting dating.
Step 2. Don't be tempted to change your mind
It is natural for you to feel sad and lonely. If this person has controlled every aspect of your life and now you have no one and you have to make your own decisions, it makes sense to feel unable to manage your existence. But that's exactly what he wanted to happen to you, not being able to live even a day without her.
- Keep telling yourself that it will be easier: you will see that everything will be fine.
- Remember that, before the relationship, you were perfectly alone: you can go back to who you were before.
Step 3. Spend time with loved ones
While it helps to reflect on your own after the breakup, try to see your family and friends as well. Maybe the last thing you want is to go to a party, but force yourself to do it and try to have fun.
- Don't be alone for too long. After a manipulative or bossy relationship, you will be more tempted to go back to being with your ex.
- Your family and friends will support you. Talk about what you went through. Letting them confirm your thoughts will make you stronger.
- Don't be afraid to hook up with friends you haven't heard from in a while about your ex. Talk to them honestly and explain what happened, show regret for your mistake.
Step 4. Keep busy
If you are always in your room or in front of the TV in the dark, you will not feel better. Make an appointment with your friends, pursue your interests, immerse yourself in work or study. You can also find a new hobby, which will give your life more meaning.
- Whatever you do, get out of the house. You will feel less alone, even if you go alone to the bar.
- Plan your week. Leave some space for reflection, but keep yourself busy every day.
- This is an opportunity to experience something your ex would never let you do. Maybe he hated eating sushi or going to the movies: do all the activities he hated.
Step 5. You have freed yourself from a burden and you will soon understand that it was the right choice
Every night, before going to sleep, think about one thing you managed to do because you are no longer with this person. You can also write a list of your life's improvements and remember that it's nice to be able to control your thoughts and actions.
When you have a moment of weakness, review the list and repeat the reasons why life is better now. Wait and you will understand that you have made the right decision
Advice
- Admit your weakness. Many times people are more able to manipulate weak partners, who allow themselves to be mistreated. To avoid falling back into this problem in the future, define your insecurities about abandonment, loneliness and / or your tendencies of wanting to save and repair other people with love alone. In any case, whoever is responsible, this situation must end. Work on your struggles after the breakup.
- Cutting off all contact sounds cruel, but the faster and clearer the message is received, the sooner everything will unlock and you will save yourself from a potentially explosive situation. The more confused you become, the more persistent this person will become and their anger will increase. If you stop talking to each other completely, it will be difficult to recover, but the breakup will be final.
- Don't delete your ex's messages but don't reply either, or he'll feel it as a win. Keep them, so you'll have evidence if he becomes a stalker and you need a restraining order. Record voice messages with a recorder.
- Authoritarian and manipulative people are often like that for external factors that you cannot control. You can't hope to change them or save them, even if you care about them. The best help is to refuse to be a victim and to advise them to see a psychologist.
- Recover your support network. Go to your friends and family, get away from your ex. Accept your guilt and say they were right, that the relationship was toxic, that you understood it and that you are now safe. Appreciate their warnings.
- To better understand the way of being of a good part of the manipulators, here is an example. Let's pretend you and your ex have a mutual friend, Giovanni. Immediately after the breakup, you call him and tell him: “Giovanni, I just broke up with Laura. She was quite upset when I left; can you call her and make sure she's okay (but don't tell her I asked you)?”. Probably, when Giovanni calls her, Laura seems to be fine. Maybe she will keep telling you she's devastated, while other friends will tell you that her life is going well. If he wants you to believe otherwise, it's because he wants to control you. So, the relationship ends the moment you leave: regretting it is useless because this person will almost certainly turn the page soon after. Residual anxieties may remain, but the worst will be over.
- However, not all manipulators react as in the previous example. Once the relationship is over, your partner will most likely be alone. If you know people close to him, you can ask them to help him out. Many things have happened between you, but you can intervene from afar to spare him from suffering.
- Power and control are controversial issues because we all play with each other, sometimes, even if almost all of us hold back because we keep the balance of our relationship. You need to give space and time to the other person and also allow yourself some personal freedom. Nurture these thoughts for the next relationship.
- If you live together and does not want to leave, you will have to move, provided the house is not yours. If you have drifted away from your family and friends, it will be difficult to find a place to take refuge. If you were married, the judge will decide what happens with the shared property. If, on the other hand, you are the only owner and this person does not want to leave, you will need to call the police. Make sure you have the keys returned to you. You can also request a restraining order. If he tries to re-enter, call the police and lock yourself in a room until he arrives. To avoid any problems, don't keep in touch with your ex.
Warnings
- Your ex may be telling bad things about you, especially to mutual friends. Ignore these words; on the other hand, if these people know you, they know how you are. However, you can also say: “This is not true, but it makes me feel better to say that…”. Keep calm and move on.
- Often, these people relive significant events in their lives and rewrite them however they like. Their memories may differ from reality. They could also accuse the victim of being a manipulator. If your ex tends to get angry, be especially careful.
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The best way to answer is… don't answer. In this way, the manipulator will not achieve the desired effect.
Example: You notice that family photos are missing and you are sure that it was your ex-husband who stole them. You don't tell him anything about it, but, some time later, your son, at the end of a visit from his father, comes back with these photos saying “Mom, look what dad found!”. You are furious. However, to "take revenge", you don't have to react. Simply say: "Oh, how nice, do you remember this trip? We really enjoyed ourselves, didn't we? Keep them in your room ". Then, talk to your ex, who can't wait for you to react badly, and say, “It was nice of you to give them. They mean a lot to him”. No matter how angry you are, resist the temptation to shout: "I searched for them in the seas and mountains, you had no right to steal them from me and give them to our son." Your ex is looking forward to confrontation, so don't give him satisfaction. First of all, recognize what he did: he used your child's help to manipulate you and to prove to you that he is still part of the family. If you get angry, he will think he has won. If you don't react, he will feel defeated
- Manipulative ex-husbands or wives may exercise control over personal items, such as family photos, high school or college mementos, valuables and special items for the other person, for the purpose of using them as emotional weapons.
- Many manipulative people use their children to control exes after a divorce. They can text through the children and ask them about the other parent, such as where he is going on vacation and if he is going out with someone. The parental alienation syndrome, according to which the authoritarian parent tries to destroy the relationship and the credibility of the other, is almost always instigated to control the adult through his relationship with his children. If you are the victim, you cannot tolerate this situation, but it would be better not to intervene yourself. You will need to go to a psychologist to explain to the children what is happening. If you really can't afford it, you will have to take on this role, but with extreme delicacy.
- Emotional abuse often extends to children, who have no escape from this flu and find themselves the victims of the unstable parent. You may want to do something to help them, perhaps by consulting a psychologist.
- The manipulative parent often tells children that they have been abandoned and is not telling the truth, which is that divorce has nothing to do with them. The authoritarian or manipulative parent can push them to tell everything they know about the other parent and tarnish him, trying to destroy the relationship.
- If you are a victim of stalking, call the police immediately. This person is probably just difficult and not dangerous, but you never know. If necessary, get a restraining order and phone the police whenever it is violated. Your ex may try to destroy any actions that indicate you moved on, deny you access to your belongings, or ask you to meet him to discuss debt payments you had when you were together. These are all tools for keeping in touch with you, not taking the bait. You may learn an expensive lesson, but it would be better to pay off your debts than to settle down with your ex.
- Not all manipulative and authoritarian people are dangerous. Some may react badly if you are accompanied by a relative or friend when you meet them, while others give up if you refuse them. However, if you are in a real emergency situation, call the police and request a restraining order; you can also seek advice from a specialist to understand if your ex poses a threat to you, to others or to himself, and to learn how to act.
- If you have children, you cannot deny them seeing the other parent, unless this has been established by law. If your ex is simply bossy and manipulative, your goal is to protect them and explain what could happen, but without causing the alienation. They will need to understand certain behaviors and not feel confused, hurt or guilty. If your ex is dangerous and you are concerned that he may kidnap or beat them, notify the police and the proper authorities right away.
