Maybe you lost control, and yelled like crazy, at a family member? Or did you respond badly to your boss during a stressful day at work? Well … nay, bad; these behaviors are always wrong, yet they happen, and are often triggered by anxiety, anger, tension, or confusion. If you have behaved badly, you can apologize in the right way, trying to get back on good terms with the offended person.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Expressing an Apology with Words
Step 1. Take some time to calm down before apologizing
Even if your instincts tell you to apologize as soon as you realize you were wrong, it is best to wait a little while before doing so. Depending on the severity of your actions, you may want to avoid the person involved to give them space as you reflect on what to do appropriately.
Taking the time to recompose will also allow you to think about how to apologize and the right words to say. Waiting a day after the incident will allow you to come up with more effective excuses than the confusing justifications you might give in the moment
Step 2. Write an apology letter
If you can't think of the right words to say, you better sit down and start writing a letter. Sometimes writing clarifies thoughts and feelings better, making it easier to make better sense of what you want to say to that person. It will also give you a way to confront your misbehavior, and thus understand why. Knowing the reasons for your hostile attitude will allow you to write clearer and more sincere apologies, and even if, in fact, you will not deliver the letter to the recipient of your repentance, having written down your thoughts will allow you to express yourself better when you are face to face with the person in question.
- In your letter you should say "I'm sorry", but without justifying your actions; do not write "I'm sorry for how I acted, but I'm very stressed"; write instead: "I'm sorry for how I acted, and above all for offending you, it was very unfair. I was very stressed and I reacted badly, unfairly, with you." Write "and" instead of "but": you will express a different concept.
- In your letter, you should also show empathy towards the offended person, telling them to understand their point of view and why they no longer value you. You should also emphasize how you are trying to correct your behavior, assuring her that you will act correctly in the future.
- End the letter on a positive note, saying that what you did will not happen again and that you hope you both forget the incident soon. You could also end the letter with "Sincerely", to show that you are trying to be honest and (indeed) sincere.
Step 3. Apologize face to face in a private and quiet place
If you decide to apologize in person, make sure you do so in a private and quiet place, such as your office (if you are at work), a conference room, your home, or in a quiet area of the school library. A direct confrontation in a private area will allow you to be honest and aware of your feelings.
If the person is very upset by your actions, you may want to suggest a public place that allows both of you to feel comfortable, such as a coffee shop or bar
Step 4. Take responsibility for your behavior
You should start your apology by questioning your misbehavior and acknowledging that you were wrong. Highlight your mistakes by showing the offended person that you feel responsible for your actions and that you want to make amends for this reason. Probably, after your admission, the person will be more willing to forgive you.
For example, you might say, "I was wrong to raise my voice with you in the shareholder meeting; my swearing at you was completely out of place."
Step 5. Show repentance for your conduct
After acknowledging that you have misbehaved, you should express sincere repentance for your words and actions. Let the offended person understand that you are aware that you have caused them discomfort and displeasure; connect with her, trying to be as honest and sincere as possible.
For example, you might say, "I acknowledge that I have said and done wrong things, and I regret being carried away with anger; I know I have embarrassed you and I am truly sorry."
Step 6. Promise to change your attitude
You should promise the person to make up for your wrong actions, making a commitment not to repeat them, and assuring them that in the future you will speak to them with respect, avoiding any aggressive behavior. Try to make a realistic promise to emphasize your apology and to emphasize your intention to change your ways so that you don't repeat your mistake.
- For example, you might say, "I promise not to speak again in a meeting, and not to address yourself or others inappropriately." You might also add, "I admit I raised my voice to you, and I don't want to do it again; I'll try to control my emotions and make sure I don't pour them out on you."
- Otherwise, you could ask the person how to right the wrong you have done to them and let them tell you what they expect you to do. This option might be useful if you need to apologize to your partner, asking for directions to build a solid relationship. You might say: "How can I make up for the mistake made?".
Step 7. Ask for forgiveness
You should complete your apology by asking to be forgiven for your actions. Asking someone for forgiveness and relying on their goodwill can demonstrate the sincerity of your repentance.
Always ask your request for forgiveness as a question rather than a statement. You can't expect indulgence, but you have to make people feel that you hope to get it. You could say: "I am sorry for what happened, I understand that I was wrong. Can you forgive me?"
Part 2 of 3: Taking Action to Remedy
Step 1. Offer compensation for any tangible damage resulting from your conduct
If you have misbehaved with someone, perhaps by spilling coffee on a colleague's shirt, or forgetting a lunch with an acquaintance, you could offer compensation for your shortcomings. You could do it with a concrete action, like paying the laundry for a stained shirt, or offering that lunch you forgot the first time around. By proposing a tangible remedy you can demonstrate your discomfort for what you have done and the willingness to remedy your mistakes.
The remedy offered could be financial if there has been tangible damage to the property of others as a result of your misconduct. You could also make up for it with polite actions, such as paying for the coffee of the unfortunate, who inadvertently bumped his own, completely overturned his, or by helping someone replace the damaged phone that you accidentally dropped in the toilet
Step 2. Give a gift to apologize
To remedy your mistakes, you could also surprise the person you offended by presenting them with an apology gift, such as a bouquet of flowers or a box of chocolates. Leave the gift on her desk, or have it delivered to her along with a note showing your repentance. This kindness could distract the offended person from their anger, predisposing them to accept your apology.
You could also opt for a personalized gift, such as a mug with a picture of their favorite celebrity, or a box of chocolates they adore. A focused, personal present usually hits the mark and can show your remorse
Step 3. Do something that makes the offended person happy
You could also do something nice for that person and show them how much you want to make up for your inappropriate behavior. Surprise her with an invitation to a restaurant lunch, or bring her favorite food to work. You could also plan a date for two, to make up for that missed appointment previously.
Often the kindness offered should be accompanied by words of apology. Express your sincere regret as you present your gift; this will prepare the person for forgiveness
Part 3 of 3: Acting Right After the Apology
Step 1. Let the person have time to work out your apology
After presenting your apology in words and / or actions, it is important to allow time for the person to understand their feelings towards you. Don't expect immediate forgiveness or hints of sympathy immediately after showing your repentance. Sometimes it's not that easy to forget a wrong right away.
- Leave room for the person and stay away, so they can analyze their emotions and find a reason to forgive you.
- Be patient. Even if "you" think that enough time has passed, this is not necessarily true; maybe that person needs more time, even though you have a different idea.
Step 2. Be nice to the person, even if they still show annoyance
If someone doesn't say "I forgive you" right away, you may feel frustrated or annoyed about them, especially if you have been profuse in heartfelt apologies. Remember that you can't force anyone to do what you think is right, and being rude or annoyed will make the situation even worse. Be kind and understanding, even if you still feel some coldness on the other side.
Go out of your way to be kind. It shows how important it is to you to keep your friendship, even if you haven't received a sign of forgiveness yet
Step 3. Find ways to change your bad habits
If the person will not accept your apology, you will need to ask yourself a few questions about your behavior and try to change seriously. Show her the new you and show her your ability to maintain healthy commitments and relationships. Over time that person will be able to see your change and perhaps consider renewing your relationships.
