There are several reasons why accepting love might make you uncomfortable. Perhaps you are afraid that if you accept someone's love, you may be hurt, or you may have some trouble loving yourself and consider yourself unworthy of another person's love. Regardless of the reason, there are some things you can do to make yourself open to the opportunities that accompany loving and being loved.
Steps
Part 1 of 2: Accepting Love from Yourself
Step 1. Understand self-compassion
Self-compassion is the extension of acceptance and empathy towards yourself. It is critical to your ability to love others and accept their love. According to some researchers, self-compassion consists of three elements:
- Goodwill towards oneself. Sometimes we are taught that acceptance and understanding towards ourselves is selfish and narcissistic; Still, think for a moment: if a friend makes a mistake, would you keep reminding him of how awful he was or would you try to be understanding about his mistake? Extend to yourself the same kindness you would apply to others.
- Normal humanity. It can be easy to believe that you are the only person in the world prone to guilt and imperfections, but making mistakes and feeling pain are part of what makes us human. Understanding that you're not the only one who makes mistakes or feels hurt can help you feel more in tune with those around you.
- Careful awareness. It has a lot in common with meditation: it is the idea of recognizing and accepting an experience, without any judgment, as you live it. For example, if you are often struck by the thought "I am so unpleasant that no one will ever love me", a conscious approach might instead resemble something like "I have a feeling of being unpleasant. This is just one of the many feelings I will experience today." Recognizing negative ideas will help you direct your thoughts in another direction.
Step 2. You need to understand some myths about self-compassion
We are often taught that accepting oneself is a symptom of self-indulgence or self-centeredness, or even worse, laziness. On the contrary, we are told that perfectionism and self-criticism are healthy and productive things. In reality, they are not: they are usually based on fear.
- Self-pity is different from self-pity. Self-pity is that feeling of "poor me" you might feel when things don't go your way; for example: "My colleague has received more credit than me for our project. Nothing ever goes right for me." Self-pity only focuses on problems and often creates a sense of inadequacy. A self-compassionate thought, on the other hand, could be: "My colleague and I worked hard on that project, and I think I did a good job. I am unable to control other people's reactions to our work."
- The self-compassionate does not correspond to laziness. Accepting yourself doesn't mean you don't want to improve yourself, just that when you make mistakes, you won't be ruthless on yourself. Practicing to express love towards yourself will also help you to express love towards others.
- Self-flagellation is not the same as accepting responsibility for your mistakes. A self-compassionate person can acknowledge responsibility for the mistakes he has made without having to think that he is a horrible person. Some studies indicate that self-compassionate people are the ones most prone to seeking self-improvement.
Step 3. You must understand the difference between self-compassion and self-esteem
While they may look similar, they have some fundamental differences. Self-esteem corresponds to what you think and the feelings you have about yourself: being a healthy and happy person is an important thing. However, she has a tendency to be motivated by external confirmation - for example, you may feel attractive because someone compliments you on your appearance. On the other hand, self-compassion is about accepting yourself, including defects, and treating yourself with kindness and understanding.
Some psychological studies indicate that self-esteem is not a reliable indicator of success or of one's abilities. Sometimes, it is precisely the most self-confident people who are less familiar with a particular situation
Step 4. Reject the shame
Shame is the source of a great deal of pain, and we are very good at developing it. It is the deep and lasting belief that, in some way, we are not worthy: of love, of time, of attention. Either way, it often has nothing to do with anything really wrong with ourselves or our actions - it's just a judgment that comes from within.
Try to be aware of the thoughts and feelings you have about yourself. Sometimes shame manifests itself as a feeling of not deserving love. It can come in the form of a fear that if we showed our true selves, the other person would abandon us. These sensations are common, but also very harmful. Try to tell yourself that you deserve love
Step 5. Practice self-acceptance
This is something that does not come naturally to most people, because we are often taught that being critical of ourselves is something good (for example, because it pushes someone to work harder, improve themselves, etc.). Either way, there are some steps you can take to improve your ability to accept yourself.
- Bring your attention to your strengths. We are used to making lists of our failures, and humans have a tendency to remember negative events and emotions more clearly than positive ones. Take some time each day to take note of something positive about you. In the beginning, it doesn't really matter whether you believe it or not. Get into the habit of thinking about yourself positively, and you will likely encounter less resistance in believing it.
- Depersonalize your failures. If you haven't been successful at something, it can be easy to think, "I'm a failure," but this kind of all-encompassing thinking demeans you and encourages a feeling of shame. Instead, try thinking something like, "I wasn't successful in _, but I did my best."
- Remind yourself that you are human. Perfectionism can lead to devastating consequences on the way we see ourselves. Try to look at yourself in the mirror and say to yourself, "I am a human being. Human beings, myself included, are not perfect. There is nothing wrong with that."
Step 6. You must understand that vulnerability, weakness and mistakes are part of the human experience
Sometimes, you will do something you didn't want to do. Maybe you've scored badly on an exam, hurt a friend's feelings, or lost your temper with your boss. In any case, brooding over these negative events and berating yourself prevents you from considering them as learning experiences.
- On the contrary, accept the fact that whatever has happened has happened by now, apologize if you can, and decide what you will do differently in the future.
- Accepting your mistakes doesn't mean pretending they didn't happen. It doesn't even mean you don't feel bad that they have occurred. Taking responsibility for your actions means recognizing mistakes, but focusing on the lessons you can learn and how you can avoid them in the future transforms guilt into personal growth.
Part 2 of 2: Accepting Love from Others
Step 1. You must understand where your hesitation to accept love comes from
People have many reasons that justify their discomfort in accepting the love of others. For some, it is just a trait of their personality that they would like to change. For others, a history of abuse or trauma may have caused a person to withdraw into themselves to protect themselves, making it nearly impossible for them to trust someone else enough to accept their love. Understanding why you struggle to accept love will help you overcome this difficulty.
- By nature, some people are more reserved than others. Don't confuse emotional modesty with an inability to accept or express love.
- If you've been involved in relationships that ended badly in the past, or in a relationship with someone who hasn't given you back the same love and trust you gave them, it may be difficult to think about accepting love again.
- For those who have been abused, it is normal to develop an inability to trust others. Trust is a difficult thing to relearn, so take your time. Don't feel guilty because you have a hard time trusting others.
Step 2. Feel comfortable with vulnerability
In order to achieve intimacy in relationships, whether they are friendly or romantic, you will need to accept that you are vulnerable to the other person. Accepting this possibility can be scary; some researchers, however, point out that without vulnerability no human bond can develop.
- For example, what leads to the classic "fear of commitment" is the fear of being vulnerable and being hurt. Often, the origin of this anguish lies in past experiences.
- You can practice gradually accepting vulnerability. Start with small gestures (greeting a colleague or neighbor) and accept the possibility that they may not be returned to you and that, in that, there is nothing wrong with that. You just have to practice stepping forward.
Step 3. Assess the vulnerability level you are comfortable with
Especially if you are not very experienced in accepting love from others, or if you have been hurt in the past by someone you love, you may need to be especially careful in choosing which love you are willing to accept and what level of vulnerability you are in. can handle at this point in your life.
- For example, accepting the offer to go for a coffee with a colleague might represent a fairly low level of vulnerability for some people, but for others, it may be quite high. Deciding to try and mend a fallen friendship constitutes a very high level of vulnerability.
- In the beginning, you will have to start in small steps. There's nothing bad. You will be able to begin to embrace greater levels of vulnerability as you are more comfortable accepting love.
Step 4. Give up the need to exercise control
Being involved in a relationship with another person, whether it is a colleague or friend, or whether it is a love relationship, means that you are connecting with a unique individual, with thoughts and feelings exclusively his. You cannot, and should not, control the actions and emotions of others - trying to do so could cause pain to everyone involved in the relationship. Accepting that you can't control the other person means accepting the possibility that they could harm you, but also that you may discover how genuinely loving they can be if they are allowed to express themselves.
Step 5. Find people who accept you as you are
Accepting yourself can be difficult if the people you surround yourself with are always criticizing you or asking you to change. It will be much easier to welcome the love of friends and lovers who accept you for who you are, who do not continue to criticize or reproach you and do not place conditions on the love they have for you.
Step 6. Accept your right to say no
While much research indicates that people who are vulnerable and willing to accept the love of others have a tendency to be healthier and happier, you don't necessarily have to embrace just anyone's love. Always remember that you can and should ask others to respect your limits.
The other person should respect the boundaries you have set. Those who regularly ignore or reject your requests may not have a genuine interest in your feelings
Step 7. Learn to recognize when "love" is actually emotional abuse
Sometimes, people try to control others by manipulating their feelings of love. Emotional abuse can take many forms, but learning to recognize these warning signs will help you determine when the offering of love is something that will enrich your life and when it is an attempt to manipulate you.
- A very common form of abuse is giving love conditional on something you should do. It can manifest itself through manipulations such as: "If you really loved me you would do …", or: "I love you, but …".
- Another tactic is to threaten to stop loving in order to achieve a certain behavior; for example: "If you don't _, I won't love you anymore."
- Abusive people may also leverage your insecurities to get you to obey them by saying things like, "No one will ever love you as much as I do," or "If I leave you, no one else will want you."
- If you have any of these experiences in your relationships, consider seeking psychological therapy or other assistance. Emotional abuse isn't normal, and you don't deserve it.
Advice
- As with any other skill, learning to accept love takes time and practice. You may not feel like opening your heart to the whole world immediately, and there is nothing wrong with that.
- The more you practice loving yourself, the better you will become at accepting love from others.
