Are you sometimes torn between telling the truth and lying to avoid hurting someone's feelings? You can silence this doubt. Indeed, not only is it possible to be adequately honest with someone in situations that demand an honest response, candor is often the kindest and most valuable way to express yourself and help others escape the danger of false flattery and the wrong cultivation of one's own. safety.
Steps
Step 1. Remember that honesty is the foundation of healthy relationships, whether it's with a friend, partner, co-worker, or any other person
Sincerity builds trust, which is essential for good relationships. It also makes a relationship stronger, allowing the other person to rely on the truthfulness of what you say. As if this were not enough, honesty is based on respect and the value that is given to the dignity of others.
Step 2. You must recognize that dishonesty plays a destructive role in a relationship
Lying to a friend or another person can ruin a relationship, sometimes instantly. Even if the dishonest behavior is not caught for some time, sooner or later it will damage the relationship. In fact, the lack of sincerity and participation in the well-being of the other person slips into his subconscious, while using the most finely concocted lies and the most false appearances. Dishonest behavior in a relationship can include:
- Flatter someone, even if you don't like them particularly. Sometimes this attitude helps you to get what you want (like a promotion, another job role, a gift, some money, etc.), while in other cases you assume it simply because you are too insecure to admit that you don't like this person. While it's hard to maintain a relationship with an individual you don't like, respecting mutual differences instead of just lying is the best choice.
- Pretending to like something that a person has done for you, gave you, or shared with you. For example, you might pretend that you like your friend's brick-hard pies or that your boss's presentation is awesome, even if it bored the hell out of you. Either way, you have the opportunity to enlighten the other person by explaining what they could improve on. Lying is as good a way as any not to take responsibility for teaching. But the lies will always lead to getting the same behavior from others. So you will have to put up with other hard pies like stones and boring talk, when you could have shown compassion and enlightenment for improvement. In short, no one will emerge victorious from this situation.
- Accept bad behavior. This topic is more complex and this is not the place to talk about it, but it must be said that accepting bad behavior is a form of dishonesty. By letting an alcoholic "just" have another drink or an internet obsessed person to "just" spend another hour online, you won't be able to address the root of the problem and encourage inappropriate behavior. Lack of sincerity can cause problems to mature or increase, harming the other person and your relationship.
- Liquidate a person. Sometimes dishonesty even manifests itself in simple phrases like “Yes, you're fine”, because you don't want to be bothered or don't care. This attitude not only makes you a bad friend or partner, it is insincere because you do not show that you want the best for the other person, preferring to focus on your life.
Step 3. Recognize why you feel the desire to lie instead of speaking honestly
Sincerity often embarrasses or causes arguments. It requires clarity of thought, words chosen with extreme care, and a commitment not to stray from the facts (keeping away from the minefield of emotional interpretations). Other reasons for lying include covering up your weaknesses, compromising to make your life easier, and avoiding getting into trouble. Many people have been raised with the idea that honesty is too outspoken or rude. However, this is not a question of bon ton. In fact, it stems from a misunderstanding about how to compassionately send sincere messages. There is a big difference between not being tactful and being open in a thoughtful and respectful way.
Step 4. First, be honest with yourself
This might seem like an unusual tip, as you are actually reading this article to know how to do it with others. However, if you fail to be honest about your weaknesses or take responsibility, you risk using lies or avoidance of the truth to cover up your failures. Especially if you have a tendency to compare yourself to others. Being honest with yourself means understanding and accepting yourself, including your strengths and weaknesses. Knowing yourself well means that you are less likely to adapt to the expectations of others, decreasing the need to lie. If you don't pretend to be what you are not, then those around you know what to expect from you. Thus, you can spend more time being empathetic towards others than worrying about how you will be perceived.
Step 5. Being honest means being kind, accept it
Is it nice to say yes to someone when you'd rather say no? It is not polite to offer reluctant or miserable attention. It is not polite to offer a grudge-filled presence when a rejection would have made you feel better. Is it polite to make someone believe that you are ready to do something or that you look good when in fact it is the other way around? Not telling the truth denotes laziness and rudeness. How will a person be able to remedy or learn if nothing is advised? Is it a good idea to say nothing when you notice something wrong or unfair at work? You might keep your job for a while, but, as has happened in companies like Enron, the truth will come out sooner and later. When viewed this way, honesty turns into kindness, not harshness.
- Being honest also means being kind to yourself. Lying raises blood pressure and causes stress. Dishonesty can lead you to question your self-esteem and self-justify. All this causes a physical and mental effort that is far from necessary. Honesty is an easy way to take care of your health. It means to stop remembering all your lies to make ends meet. By the way, they will never make ends meet.
- If you're still not convinced that honesty is the best policy, put yourself in someone else's shoes. How would you feel if someone was hiding something important from you, such as mistakes at work that you may have made up for earlier, unbuttoned pants fly or skirt tucked into stockings when exiting the bathroom? It is difficult for you not to want to know information that interests you personally and that would embarrass you or cause you other problems. Sure, the discomfort and pain might be intense at first, but then you can make sure everything is resolved quickly.
Step 6. Ask yourself three essential questions before deciding if your honesty has good intentions
It's true? It's necessary? And kind? These questions are attributed to several historical figures, including Buddhas, various spiritual leaders, and forum moderators seeking peaceful interactions. If you can't answer all of these questions in the affirmative, then your "honesty" probably has the wrong motivation (for example, you use it out of spite, anger or revenge). At least, if you really want to say something, you will have to rephrase your communication.
Distinguish between jealousy and honesty. Jealousy is not tactful, it is not caring and it does not care about reality. Telling a person that he is untalented or ugly just because you are jealous of his accomplishments or looks is a distortion of reality, not an expression of honesty. Don't confuse the two
Step 7. Focus on presenting your honest assessment of each situation
This is the most important part to reduce the harshness of your words; how you do it matters. Assume that honesty, when expressed tactfully, comes from kindness and acceptance. You need to disprove another person's beliefs to help them. Be prepared to stick to objective and verifiable facts. Avoid making emotion-based observations. You should expose a problem because you care about its solution. Remember that this is a communication skill: like all skills, it takes time and practice to perfect, with a good dose of humility.
- Consider who you need to be honest with. Don't be aggressive or too insistent when dealing with points that make this person shy or very sensitive. Take into account its nature to adapt the message. Gently confessing a truth to a friend requires a different approach than motivating a lazy colleague you're trying to complete a project with.
- If you need to experiment, don't neglect this step! It is much better to review what you say than to miss out on insensitive or aggressive comments. By exploding and saying the wrong thing, you will trigger some nervousness and focus more on fixing the damage done. Practice will not make your words seem forced; actually, it will help you think about the right thing to do and the right words to use.
Step 8. Look for a supportive environment to spread the truth
Don't say something potentially painful or embarrassing in front of other people. Trying to talk to this person alone is the best solution. If you have no choice but to tell him in the company of others, don't raise your voice. Indeed, in some cases, it whispers. People can better understand someone's honesty if they aren't put under social pressure.
- Talking face-to-face is ideal. It allows the other person to read your body language and helps them identify the right emotional perspective for your words. Arguing over the phone or texting can give rise to easy distortions, with erroneous negative interpretations.
- Avoid using distractions as a solution. While a cup of tea or a walk outdoors can foster intimate conversation, and can help comfort this person, don't let it become a distraction, making you forget what you need to say. Focus on your purpose, which is to communicate a message honestly.
Step 9. Recognize some potential situations where honesty is needed, and a white lie may not be reasonable
There are some topics that sooner or later surface in a relationship. It is a good idea to know how to avoid the few clear and evasive answers, which often present themselves as an uncontrolled reflex. Here are some situations to think about:
- The question "Am I fat?". It often shows up in the dressing rooms or while getting ready to go out. If your friend or wife is insecure, then reinforce her confidence. Don't say “But no, you're not fat”, as it could be sarcastic or insincere, and it could also be untrue. Rather, carefully explain your point of view. Consider an answer like “You are healthy and beautiful. I love how green looks on you, it enhances your eyes. But this outfit doesn't highlight your strengths. How about a long-sleeved shirt?”. Another good idea is to be proactive and help your friend or wife find a dress that really fits her, instead of trying to force her into clothing that clearly doesn't fit her figure.
- The question "Am I ugly?". Remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it is subjective. Everyone has different beauties, and it's important to bring out the best parts of yourself. Maybe your friend doesn't have the body of a model, but she has beautiful eyes or a smile that will charm anyone. Make this clear to her. Never tell a person that they are ugly. By doing this, you always turn out to be dishonest, because you can't appreciate it for what it really is.
- Your friend wants to break up with his girlfriend. It is important to express your opinion, but only if it is relevant and inspired by your experience. Don't try to confuse feelings and facts. If your friend's girlfriend just doesn't like you, don't use this excuse to persuade him to end the relationship. On the other hand, if this girl is a manipulator, then help him break up, as it might hurt him. You could also persuade him to see a therapist.
- Chilling work performance. If you can spot a job that your co-worker did poorly before the boss, you might just be able to intervene in time to fix the problem. Maybe this person is dealing with a particularly stressful situation, hasn't understood what they have to do or needs more time. If you don't judge his motives and are honest about his bad job (maybe show willingness to help him), you could save him his job.
Step 10. Give constructive advice
When expressing an opinion that could conflict with another person's, particularly if it's their job, focus on the positive aspects of the recommendation. Avoid making a suggestion as if it were an order. Instead of saying “I don't like it because…” or “You should do this…”, try phrases like “I think it's better…”. You should also mention the positive aspects of this person and their work before giving advice. That way, he won't perceive it as an affront to his abilities. As a result, his willingness to listen to you will be greater.
Always take note of both the good and the bad. It must be clear that you analyze the whole, that you respect the abilities of this person and that you think they can do better by trying harder
Step 11. Be as specific as possible
The person you talk to will likely analyze what you say and, sometimes subconsciously, wonder what you preferred not to say. So, be as accurate as possible when explaining what she should know. You should also think about what she might guess from your sentences and proactively explain to her that what you say is the truth, that you are not hiding anything. This statement has the advantage of introducing positive emotions into your sentences, which softens the impact.
While you should stick to objective facts when describing the behavior or issue, that doesn't mean you should let go of the emotions. Explaining that this situation makes you feel bad or worries you is appropriate. That way, he'll be much more likely to establish a connection with you and understand that you're on his side. Again, keep the right balance, don't be melodramatic. Show warmth and empathy
Advice
- In short, don't be rude. There are numerous ways to explain something to someone, without directly hurting their feelings.
- Remember, take note of the person you want to be honest with and adjust the tone accordingly. For example, don't yell at a quiet, shy person.
- It is better for you to “pack” a negative sentence with two positive sentences.
- Just knowing that a theory has been scientifically or religiously proven doesn't give you the right to be pushy and obnoxious when you try to enlighten another person about the facts you think you know or your beliefs. You still have a responsibility to respect his dignity. Avoid making her feel ignorant, stupid, and doomed to the fires of hell. Being honest, without aggression, means recognizing that the other person has reasons to oppose your "truths". You need to find the right path to open her mind and make her understand your point of view in a polite, sensitive and respectful way.
- It is easier to hear a truth from a friend than from an acquaintance or stranger. If you don't have a particular intimate relationship with this person, but still want to be honest and get your message across, then ask someone close to them for help. For example, instead of telling her in person she has bad breath, you could tell her best friend. But don't gossip about someone's alleged flaws.
Warnings
- Some people confuse antipathy with honesty. This happens when a person decides that he has the power to correct someone's way of being by constantly saying nasty and harmful phrases. Justify his dislike by saying "I do this for your good" or "I only want the best for you." Assigning yourself the role of judge and jury of another person's way of life does not mean being honest. It means forcing a person who has less power than you (as in a parent-child, teacher-pupil, boss-subordinate relationship) to have your preferences. An honest guide is kind and respectful towards others, whatever their age, and does not try to manipulate and subdue people.
- Insulting people shows all your frustration, it doesn't mean being honest.
- Remember that, for some people, offense is a means of manipulating others. If you are dealing with people who claim to be indignant about almost anything they don't like or feel uncomfortable with, there is always a risk that your honesty will cause a negative reaction. Sometimes, you should be prepared to put up with complaints. However, if you have been honest and kind and have objectively assessed the situation, then you shouldn't back down or take back what you said. Honesty shouldn't be turned into submission by people who don't want to hear anything and who respond with threats (such as reporting you).
- While overdoing white lies is counterproductive, remember that certain things are best not said. What you don't say doesn't need to be retracted.
