Being a victim of stalking can be a really annoying, if not downright terrifying experience, depending on the severity of the stalker's behavior. Stalking often degenerates into other types of violent crime, so if you think you are a victim of it, it is very important that you take the necessary steps as soon as possible to distance yourself from your persecutor and to protect yourself and your family.
Steps
Part 1 of 5: Identifying a Stalker
Step 1. Try to understand what is meant by stalking
This is a type of harassment, repeated or inappropriate contact that you don't want and don't want to reciprocate.
- Stalking can happen in person, for example when someone follows you, spies on you or approaches your home or workplace.
- The following signs can be signs of stalking: receiving unwanted gifts, being followed, receiving unwanted mail or emails, receiving unwelcome or repetitive phone calls.
- Stalking can also take place online, in the form of cyber-stalking or cyber-bullying. This type of behavior can be difficult to prosecute legally, although it may be easier to avoid this type of harassment, for example by changing your privacy settings or your email address.
- Any kind of cyber-stalking that turns into stalking in person must be taken very seriously and should be reported to the relevant authorities immediately.
Step 2. Find out what kind of stalker you are dealing with
Some types of stalkers are more dangerous than others - understanding what kind of threat you are facing can help you alert the police appropriately and defend yourself if necessary.
- Most stalkers are simply what the word itself indicates. Individuals you know, have had a romantic or friendly relationship with in the past. The relationship is over for you, but not for the other person.
- Stalkers obsessed with a love idea are individuals you've never met (or very superficial acquaintances), who cling to the idea they have of you and are convinced that there is a relationship between you. People who stalk celebrities fall into this category.
- Stalkers who have psychotic fantasies about a relationship with their victims will often turn their unwanted attention into outright threats and intimidation. When these fail, their behavior could even degenerate into outright violence.
- Sometimes people who abuse their partner turn into stalkers once the relationship is over, following their ex and spying on her from afar, only to get closer and closer and end up repeating their negative behavior or escalating into violent attacks. This type of stalker can be extremely dangerous.
Step 3. Try to understand how much danger you are
A casual acquaintance who develops an obsession with you and drives to your house from time to time or often could be, all in all, harmless. An abusive ex-husband who has threatened you may even go as far as trying to kill you if you let your guard down.
- If you are being stalked online, try to figure out if the stalker knows your real address. Make sure you keep your online security high and never reveal your home address or hometown.
- Trust your gut, try to investigate the person's past behavior (if possible), and be realistic about the risks you take.
- If you really think that you or your family members are in danger, ask the local police forces for help, or contact an association that helps victims of stalking.
- If you think danger is imminent, call the police immediately.
Step 4. Always be alert
If you believe you are the victim of a stalker, take a closer look at the environment around you. Try to notice if someone is behaving strangely in your neighborhood or workplace. Take note of anything that seems unusual to you.
Part 2 of 5: Taking Distances
Step 1. Avoid contacting the stalker
Stalkers often think they are in a relationship with their victims and any contact made with them could be perceived as validating their "relationship", which is actually non-existent. If you are being stalked, do not call, write or speak to the stalker in person if you can avoid it.
Step 2. Avoid sending unintentional signals or messages
Victims sometimes scream or get angry at their stalkers, but even the most blatant rudeness can be misinterpreted by these individuals (who often have psychological problems) and misunderstood as a sign of affection or interest.
If you are being stalked online, do not respond in any way to the stalker's attempts to contact, no matter how angry you are. Print messages as proof of harassment received and removed from the computer
Step 3. Hide your personal information
If a stalker doesn't have your personal information, such as phone number, home address, or email, don't let them find out.
- Don't give your phone number out loud to anyone in a public place. If you have to give someone your phone number, use your work phone or write the number on a piece of paper, which you will then have to tear up.
- Avoid putting your address on written documents of various kinds. Or consider opening a post office box, so that you are less likely to have to give someone your home address.
- Don't give out your home or work address online or on social media. You could offer the online stalker a chance to find you in person.
Step 4. Get a restraining order
In the event of repeated stalking or a stalker with a long history of violence, you could obtain a protection order that legally obliges the stalker to stay away from you. Be careful though, as doing so could infuriate him and push him to violence.
Step 5. Move to an unfamiliar place
In very rare cases of potentially violent stalking, you may decide to move. If you choose to proceed in this way, try contacting an organization that deals with the protection of women victims of violence: they will be able to offer you all the advice you need to understand how to really "disappear".
Do not request that your mail be forwarded to your new address
Part 3 of 5: Asking for Help
Step 1. Talk to several people about your problems
While it is not recommended to post on social networks or announce to a whole crowd that you have a stalker, it is important to talk to enough people about it; by doing so, should anything happen, you will be able to have witnesses. Try to notify your parents, your boss, a colleague or two, your partner, your neighbors, and even your homeowner or janitor if you live in an apartment.
- If possible, show people a photo of the stalker. If you can't, give them a detailed description.
- Tell people what they should do if they see the stalker, with or without you, nearby. Should they call you? Call the police? Tell him to get away?
Step 2. Report the stalker and his threats to the police
Even if the stalker keeps his distance and does not appear violent, it may still be advisable to warn those in charge.
- Make sure you tell all the signs that the stalker has given you over time, as before you can charge someone with this crime you need to have evidence that it is repeated behavior.
- Remember that the authorities may not be able to do anything before stalking escalates and turns into threats or violence.
- Ask the authorities what you should do, when and how to ask for help if needed and any advice for drawing up a safety plan.
- Call the police frequently if you think they didn't take you too seriously the first time.
Step 3. Report the stalking to other figures who can deal with it
If you are a student, notify the university authorities, such as a professor, the dean of the faculty, or even whoever takes care of the concierge.
If you don't know who to contact, start with a trusted friend or family member: they can help you notify the relevant authorities
Step 4. Warn your family of the danger
If you find yourself at risk, your family may be too. You will have to talk to them about your problems and try to understand together how to handle them.
- If you have children, it may be very difficult to talk to them about them; but remember that you could save their lives.
- If the stalker is a member of your family, divisions could arise between you and other family members. While it can be a difficult situation, remember that you are only trying to protect yourself and that it is the stalker who is responsible for his wrongdoing.
Step 5. Seek the help of organizations that deal with preventing stalking and violence against women
If you feel uncomfortable with the idea of talking to friends, your family or the police, try contacting a resource that specifically deals with the prevention of violence against women. There are several associations, especially for women and children, who can offer you advice and help you understand how to behave.
Step 6. Design a security plan
If you are concerned that the stalker may get violent, you will need a rescue plan. It may be enough to keep your phone with you 100% of the time to call for help, or keep a suitcase ready in the car in case you have to escape quickly.
- Try to avoid being alone in potentially dangerous situations, such as walking between home and work, especially at night.
- Be sure to tell a trusted friend about your rescue plan. You could also ask him to call you to check that you are okay, if he doesn't hear from you for a set amount of time, and then call the police right away if he can't reach you.
Step 7. Remember to contact the police in case of need
If you call the police, they will certainly go to patrol and check your home to avoid any dangers.
- Contact an alarm company to secure your home.
- Remember to ask the person who will install the alarms for their credentials, to check that they are who they say they are.
Part 4 of 5: Collecting Evidence
Step 1. Keep the evidence in your possession
If you receive emails, messages on social networks, handwritten letters or gifts, keep it all. Your first instinct may be to destroy anything related to the stalker who is putting you through this horrible experience, but it's best to keep the evidence in case you need to indict him.
- Print any electronic correspondence. Make sure you also print all important details, such as date and time.
- Keeping these objects does not mean having to keep an eye on them. Put them in a box and store it on a raised shelf in your closet or basement.
Step 2. Record phone calls or voicemail messages
You can download programs for your smartphone that can record phone calls, or put the speakerphone and use a traditional recorder. Be sure to save voicemail messages that contain threats or violent content so you can report them to the authorities.
Step 3. Always look around
Unfortunately, one of the best ways to avoid a stalker is to always be a little paranoid and never let your guard down. With a little more paranoia it will be easier to notice inappropriate contact attempts, or any dangerous behavior.
Step 4. Make a note of what happens to you in a journal
If you were to report the stalker and try to obtain a restraining order, it will be much easier to succeed if you have noted in detail his behavior that made you uncomfortable.
- Be sure to note the date and time.
- Your diary could be used to identify habitual behaviors and, possibly, to capture or avoid the stalker.
Step 5. Notice any changes in the stalker's behavior, or a general worsening of their threats
Stalkers can get violent very quickly. If you notice disturbing signs or if you have the impression that things are about to degenerate, immediately notify the competent authorities and ask for help. Some signs that should warn you are:
- More frequent contacts or contact attempts
- Increased severity of threats
- More emotional behavior or use of "stronger" words
- Attempts to make close physical contact
- More frequent attempts to connect with friends and family
Part 5 of 5: Send a Clear Message
Step 1. Explain openly to the stalker that you are not interested in a relationship
If you don't think the stalker is violent and you think he might back down after a confrontation, you might want to try talking to him directly. Telling the stalker that you are not interested in a relationship of any kind could discourage him and lead him to drift apart.
- Try to make sure that another person is present for the discussion who can protect you, in case the conversation escalates into an attempt of violence. In addition, this will also secure a witness.
- Try not to reject it too kindly. Being polite to the stalker may unwittingly encourage him: he may try to "read between the lines" and listen to your tone instead of your words.
Step 2. Make sure he knows that you will never be interested in a relationship with him
If you believe that the stalker is not violent and that he can back down if you confront him, be sure to tell him that a relationship between you is impossible. Telling him you're not interested "right now" or "why you have a boyfriend" will continue to fuel his hopes for the future and may not discourage him at all. Assure him that you don't want - and never will, for any reason - have a relationship with him.
Step 3. Don't use overly emotional language
If you are scared or angry it may be difficult to have a conversation with the stalker. It is very important to stay as calm as possible, avoid yelling or cursing, and be clear and direct. Anger can be misunderstood as passion, while sympathy and courtesy as affection.
Step 4. Get help from someone to assist you with the conversation
It is best not to talk to the stalker alone. Ask someone for help, but make sure that any person you bring with you cannot be perceived as a threat or a rival. It may be advisable to invite a friend and not a friend, as long as you both feel confident about talking to him.
Step 5. Don't confront a stalker with a violent past
If you have been abused by him in the past, or if he has threatened you, do not try to contact him or talk to him alone. Contact law enforcement or women's advocacy organizations and ask for advice on the best way to send a clear message to a potential stalker.
Advice
- Try to always find yourself in the company of someone.
- Make sure you end your relationship (romantic or friendship) in the clearest possible way.
- Make sure you are not the paranoid one and accuse others of being outrageous stalkers.
- If a friend contacts you after several years, it doesn't mean he's a stalker. Many people try to get back to old friends to see how they are doing.
- If you are being stalked, you have every right to be concerned.
- Stalking is a crime, report it immediately to the competent authorities!
- If you see a person a few times in a row, it certainly does not mean that he is a stalker. Analyze the situation logically before making accusations.
Warnings
- Don't be afraid to fight if you are attacked. It could affect your life.
- Always report any threats to the police.
- Violent former partners could easily become stalkers and are one of the categories most likely to resort to violence.
