Sooner or later in life, every person is faced with guilt, feeling responsible for something negative or wrong. The sense of guilt has several origins, for example it can derive from the belief that you have done something wrong or did not act when it was necessary, thus causing harm to someone. Furthermore, it can result from having succeeded while others failed, as in the case of "survivor syndrome". Guilt isn't always a bad thing, since it often induces a sense of remorse, feelings of empathy, and urges us to change our future behaviors. At the same time, however, it can become a problem when it is not constructive when it is not a stimulus to improve, but it triggers a dangerous sequence of harmful feelings, including shame.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Understanding Your Guilt
Step 1. Recognize when guilt is productive
When it causes us to grow and become more mature it can be constructive, but more importantly, it can teach us to learn from our mistakes in situations where we hurt or harm ourselves or another person. Such a feeling has practical utility, as it pushes us to redirect our behaviors, as well as our morals.
- For example, if you have offended a friend and now feel guilty for hurting them, in the future you will know that it is better not to make certain statements so as not to risk compromising important friendships. In other words, you have learned from your own mistakes; in this sense, therefore, the sense of guilt has acted in a productive way, correcting your harmful behavior.
- To give another example, feeling guilty about eating a whole bag of chips is your brain's way of reminding you that this is a bad decision because, as you probably know, it can negatively affect your state. of health. Even in this case, the sense of guilt can be considered reasonable, as it encourages you to reflect to try to improve your behavior.
Step 2. Recognize when guilt isn't productive
Guilt can also be completely ineffective in cases where your behavior does not need to be analyzed or reviewed. Such unreasonable feeling can create a sequence of negative emotions, causing you to ruminate and feel guilty for no real reason.
- For example, many new parents fear that leaving their child with a nanny or daycare to return to work could harm their child's mental or physical development. However, the facts show that this is an unfounded fear, as most children grow up healthily even when one or both parents go to work every day. In this situation, there is no reason to feel guilty; nonetheless, many continue to feel a strong sense of guilt. In practice, these negative emotions induce nothing more than an additional unreasonable sense of guilt.
- When it's not constructive, it can have side effects on cognitive well-being. For example, it could make you overly self-critical by undermining your self-esteem and self-confidence.
Step 3. Understand that we sometimes feel guilty about events we cannot control
Instead, it's important to recognize that there are situations we can't handle - for example, a car accident that prevented us from arriving in time for a last farewell to a loved one. Sometimes people who get caught up in such dramatic events overestimate their possibilities and knowledge of the facts. In other words, these individuals become convinced that they could or should have done something, when in reality it would not have been possible. Guilt of this intensity can induce a feeling of helplessness, making you believe that you have lost control.
For example, you may feel guilty about surviving a car accident in which a friend lost their life. This reaction is known as "survivor syndrome", often caused by the inability to explain and make sense of a traumatic event. When the sense of guilt is very strong, the best thing to do is to ask a psychotherapist for help to be able to process your feelings
Step 4. Reflect on your experiences and emotions
Embark on a path of self-exploration to connect with your feelings in order to realize that what you are feeling is a sense of guilt. Some brain studies conducted using magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) have shown that guilt is an emotion distinct from shame or sadness. At the same time, however, the same research shows that sadness and shame are often experienced simultaneously and are related to the sense of guilt. Consequently, it is important to take some time to reflect on your feelings to define exactly what is best to do.
- Define thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations and surroundings. You can do this cognitively, through the practice of mindfulness, that is, by focusing exclusively on your feelings in the present, without any judgment or reaction.
- Alternatively, you can write your thoughts down in a journal. Writing down what you are feeling can help you clarify your emotions.
- For example: "Today I feel overwhelmed with guilt, I feel sad and I can't stop thinking about it. I can say that I am stressed because I have a tension headache, I feel stiffness in my shoulders and a feeling of nervousness in my stomach."
Step 5. Define exactly why you feel guilty
Think about what causes this guilt. Again, putting your thoughts in writing can help you analyze it. Here are some examples:
- "I let Fido out and he was hit by a car. Fido is dead, the whole family is very sad and I feel guilty about it."
- "I didn't study for the exam and I didn't pass it. I feel guilty because I disappointed my parents who spend a lot of money to get me to study."
- "I broke up with Marco. I feel guilty because I hurt him."
- "My friend's mom is dead, while mine is alive and healthy. I feel guilty because my friend's life is falling apart while mine is perfect."
Step 6. Accept the guilt
You have to accept that it is not possible to change what happened in the past. Accepting also involves recognizing difficulties, as well as understanding that you can bear painful emotions in the present moment. This is the first step to be able to cope with guilt in the appropriate way, in order to be able to move on. Using self-affirmations that emphasize your ability to accept and tolerate what happened can be very helpful. Some examples of self-affirmation are:
- "I know it's not easy to overcome the sense of guilt, but for now I know I can handle it."
- "It is a difficult task, but I am able to accept what has happened, while also avoiding fighting or having these feelings."
Part 2 of 3: Make Amends
Step 1. Ask for forgiveness from the people you have hurt
If your guilt comes from harming someone, the first step is to make amends with that person. While sincere apologies may not always eliminate guilt, they can kick-start the process, giving you a way to express your regret about what happened.
- Schedule a meeting with the person you hurt, then make a sincere apology for what you did or didn't do. Try to make amends as soon as possible, without delaying.
- Remember that just because you apologized doesn't mean the other person wants to forgive you. You cannot control the reactions of others, either in terms of words or actions. Nonetheless, it's important to understand that making amends means taking the first step in getting rid of guilt. Even if the person you hurt does not accept your apology, you can feel proud for accepting and acknowledging your guilt and responsibility, showing remorse and empathy.
Step 2. Think about changing your behavior
In situations where guilt is constructive, make an effort to change the way you act to avoid repeating the same mistakes in the future, otherwise giving the guilt life again. For example, while you don't have the ability to bring Fido back to life, you can make sure you don't let your next pet out on the leash if you plan on getting another one. If you have not passed an exam, however, you can decide to spend more time studying, giving value to the money your parents spend.
Sometimes there are no behaviors to change, but you can work to improve your attitude. For example, even if you can't bring your friend's mother who died of cancer back to life, you can do your best to offer all your support during the bereavement. Also, you can let your mother know how important she is to you
Step 3. Forgive yourself
Because of guilt, people often feel ashamed of what they have or have not done. Even after you apologize, you may continue to feel guilty, mulling over the situation. In these cases, the best thing to do is to apologize to yourself as well. Learning to forgive yourself is of utmost importance; it helps you to rebuild your self-esteem, which may have been damaged by guilt or shame, thus allowing you to move on.
Try writing a letter to yourself. Writing to your "past self" can be a very powerful cognitive and psychological exercise, capable of triggering the process of self-forgiveness. Using a gentle and loving tone, remind yourself that the past often offers us important opportunities to learn and develop empathy towards others. The way you acted on that occasion was a direct consequence of your knowledge of that moment. Conclude your letter by considering it a symbolic gesture, capable of putting an end to the negative situation; you accepted it, faced it and made amends for your sins, now it's time to move on
Part 3 of 3: Undertaking a Cognitive Restructuring
Step 1. Turn the guilt into a feeling of gratitude
Guilt can become a useful tool for changing one's behavior and developing one's empathy; turning guilt statements into statements of gratitude therefore adds value to the process, helping you to view the past differently. Turning guilt into gratitude also promotes the inner healing process, converting it into something productive and tangible that can improve your life.
- Write down your guilt-related thoughts, then turn them into statements of gratitude. Assertions of guilt often begin with "I should have …", "I could have …", "I can't believe I have …" and "Why didn't I …"; convert them into sentences that emphasize what you feel grateful for.
- Example: Change "I should have been less critical of my husband in the past" to "I am grateful I learned that it is better to be less critical in my relationships".
- Example: Turns "Why didn't I stop drinking? My family broke up because of me" into "I am grateful that I have a chance to stop drinking with help and that I can apologize to my family."
Step 2. Use affirmations
A statement is a positive statement that is meant to be comforting and encouraging. Repeated daily, affirmations help you replenish your self-esteem and self-compassion, which are often eroded by guilt and shame. Develop compassion every day by writing or repeating the affirmations aloud or in your mind. Some examples of statements include:
- "I am a good person and I deserve the best, despite my past actions."
- "I'm not perfect. I make mistakes, but I can learn from my past."
- "I'm human, just like anyone else."
Step 3. Give an alternative meaning to guilt
The following statements can help you create alternate meanings for those past actions and experiences that could trigger guilt. One at a time, this process will help you change your thoughts in order to remove the guilt. Call the following statements to mind when you find yourself having unproductive thoughts or mulling over past actions unnecessarily.
- Guilt can be an important learning tool, useful for improving my future. Focus on the lessons learned, knowing that they will make you wiser. For example, if you regret not treating your partner with respect because you have found that by belittling him you have seriously damaged your marriage, that knowledge will make you a wiser partner in the future.
- Feeling guilty about a past action can help you develop greater empathy because it makes you realize the harm you have caused and how your decisions affect others. Remember that empathy is an important quality that helps you understand others' feelings better. For example, if you feel guilty about offending a friend after drinking excessively, you will be more able to recognize the emotions caused by your actions.
- You can't change what happened in the past, but you can choose how the past affects the present and the future. For example, you can't change the fact that you didn't pass an exam, but you can make choices that allow you not to relive the same situation in the future.
Step 4. Recognize the pitfalls of perfection
Trying to achieve perfection in every area of life means creating completely unrealistic expectations. Mistakes are part of life, their purpose is precisely to make us learn. Engage in positive and stimulating activities that give you the opportunity to do your best. Realize that the same mistake that made you feel guilty has allowed you to become a better, more conscientious person.
