What to do if your boyfriend has Asperger's Syndrome

2024 Author: Samantha Chapman | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 09:13

Autism, Asperger's syndrome and DGS-NAS (Generalized Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) fall into the group of pervasive developmental disorders (DSP) and manifest themselves in different ways. Some individuals with DSP have a lot of difficulty in romantic relationships, while others totally shun them. If you are in a relationship with someone with autism, you are probably wondering how to handle some of the issues you have encountered. In this case, you can start looking for ways to improve your communication, for example by anticipating social difficulties, accepting some repetitive behaviors, keeping calm when you are angry and listening to your boyfriend when he wants to talk.

Steps

Part 1 of 3: Understanding Your Boyfriend Better

Step 1. Learn about autism

By studying this disorder and the challenges your partner faces, you will better understand what challenges they face every day. This awareness could help you be more patient, find out what are the best ways to communicate with him, and even improve your relationship.

Read the general definitions of autism.
Focus on books and articles written by authors with autism who have firsthand experience of what it means to live your life with autism.
Pay attention to the sources - some claim the right to give autism a voice, even if they actually go to great lengths to silence them.

Step 2. Be aware of their communication difficulties

Autistic people often have communication difficulties just like everyone else. Some ways of expressing themselves may be too subtle, therefore difficult to understand and counter. This could cause misunderstandings and problems within a relationship. To avoid these problems, try to be as direct as possible when talking to your boyfriend.

For example, imagine you say something like this: "Gina sent me a message today." You would expect a question from him like: "What did he write?". Unfortunately, because you haven't asked him any questions, your boyfriend may not understand that you are trying to strike up a conversation. It would be better to ask him: "Do you want to know what Gina said in the message she sent me today?". Otherwise, tell him directly what Gina said.
Each person with autism is different from the other. Think that you will have time to learn and adapt as your knowledge deepens.

Step 3. Anticipate social difficulties

Worldly situations that are fun and enjoyable to you could be stressful and complicated for your boyfriend. The confusion and crowding of some contexts could cause him to feel anxious and prevent him from concentrating on what is being said. Your boyfriend may also have difficulty introducing or having short conversations.

Try writing a letter to your boyfriend explaining his role in situations where many people are around. Use direct language and treat one aspect at a time. For example, you could write a letter explaining why you want to go to parties with him.
Work together to make socializing moments easier to manage. He would probably face a party better if he knew he could sneak out every half hour to catch his breath or if you decided on a set time to leave, so that he knows what time it will all end.

Step 4. Examine the issue of physical contact

Some autistic people hate being touched or can't recognize when it's time to physically show their affection. Therefore, your boyfriend may not know when you want a hug or he won't want to be touched without warning. Talk to him about these things to allow for better management of physical contact.

For example, after an unpleasant incident, you might say to your boyfriend, “I'm very sad right now. Could you hug me please? It would help me get better”

Step 5. Accept the repetition of some gestures

Some autistic people may follow a particular routine to feel better. If this routine is interrupted, a state of anxiety and agitation could set in. Try to be understanding of any habits that allow him to feel more comfortable. Do what you can to avoid interrupting this routine.

For example, if your boyfriend goes for a run every day at 7pm, stick to this time and don't stop him from carrying on his normal routine.
Stereotypy, such as clapping hands or staring at lights, is another common symptom of autism. Think that these actions are important, even if you don't understand the motivation.

Step 6. Ask your boyfriend what his needs are

Each person with autism is different from the other. Your boyfriend may have very special difficulties that other people with this disorder do not have. Ask him questions to better understand his difficulties and preferences. This way, you will be able to be more attentive to their needs.

For example, you might say something like this: “I want to know better what your difficulties are in order to be more attentive. In your opinion, what are the challenges autism subjects you to? ".
Make sure you ask him what his physical contact limits are. For example, does receiving a hug bother him? Do you have to warn him before hugging him?

Step 7. Be aware of the possible coexistence of multiple pathologies

People with autism have anxiety, depression, and other mental disorders. They are more prone to being bullied by ABA therapists or others and this could cause them to have PTSD. Offer them your sensitivity and support as they face any challenge.

If he's been abused, he may not want to share it with you. The best way to help is by respecting his desire not to reveal details and gently proposing that he see a doctor (without forcing him) if he is very stressed

Step 8. Ditch the stereotypes

There are numerous stereotypes regarding autism, for example it is said that people with autism are unable to love or feel emotions, but this is not the truth. People with autism experience many emotions, just like a neurotypical, they simply express them differently.

Defend those with autism by pointing out that some beliefs about this disorder are wrong every time the opportunity arises. Try starting by saying something like: “I know this is a well-known stereotype about people with autism, but the truth is…”.
Recent studies have even shown that people with autism may have deeper and more intense emotional skills than others.

Part 2 of 3: Dealing with Communication Differences

Step 1. Prepare for honest answers

Sometimes, when you feel affection for someone, you tend to tell little lies for good or to sweeten the truth so as not to hurt the other person. Autistic people may not do this. On the contrary, you may get some very honest answers from your boyfriend. There is no mischief in these responses, it's just your boyfriend's way of communicating.

For example, if you ask your boyfriend “Does this yellow top fit me?”, What you expect or want to receive is an affirmative answer. An autistic person may answer "no" if they think so. Therefore, you should avoid asking questions if a negative answer would offend you.
Remember that honesty is your boyfriend's way of trying to help you.

Step 2. Answer his questions

Since some people with autism have a hard time understanding sarcasm or other non-literal forms of communication, it may happen that your boyfriend will fill you with questions. Don't be angry in that case. Remember that if he asks questions, it is because he loves you and wants to understand you.

Step 3. Inform him of your state of mind

Remember that body language and other non-verbal cues may be difficult for someone with autism to understand. Instead of trying to communicate with your boyfriend through non-verbal cues, tell him how you feel and what you are thinking. By expressing your feelings and thoughts, rather than letting your boyfriend figure them out for himself, you could avoid uncomfortable situations or even arguments.

For example, when a non-autistic person like you avoids eye contact, it often means that they are disinterested or angry. For an autistic person, however, avoiding eye contact is normal and often has no meaning. It is helpful to say "I am very stressed today" or "I had a bad day".
If his behavior bothers you, tell him. Making vague allusions or staying silent and then verbally assaulting him won't help. Explain the concept clearly to make him change his attitude. For example: “Please don't chew with your mouth open. The sound bothers me a lot”.

Step 4. Make your boyfriend understand how he should respond to you

Some people with autism don't know how to respond in certain situations. However, you can help your boyfriend understand what you need and expect from him by telling him how you would like him to respond in those situations.

For example, imagine feeling annoyed when your boyfriend tries to give you advice on what to do about your workday. Just tell him, "I appreciate that you want to help me, but I really need you to just listen to me when I tell you how my day was."

Part 3 of 3: Working as a Team

Step 1. Be willing to take the initiative

It happens that people with autism are unable to take the initiative, they do not know how to do it or if it is right to do it. Make it easier and take the initiative if you want something to happen, from a caress to a kiss.

Step 2. Consult with him before discussing his disorder with other people

Some people with autism approach their disability quite openly, while others are more reserved. Ask him how he feels about his disorder and who you can talk to.

Step 3. Handle differences with the utmost calm

Tell your boyfriend what you feel and feel calmly and sincerely. Even when you have every right to get angry or hurt, with a calm and sincere approach you may get better results than an emotional reaction. Your emotionality may leave your partner confused as to why you are upset.

Avoid speaking in the second person, for example saying "you never do", "you are not", "you must" and so on.
Rather, it speaks in the first person, for example "I feel", "I think", "I want" and so on. This is a useful approach that works for everyone (not just in relationships with autistic people).

Step 4. Listen to your boyfriend

To understand his point of view, it is important to pay attention to him and make him feel heard. You need to have time to stop and listen to your boyfriend when he is talking. Do not interfere while he is talking, but just listen and try to understand what he is saying before answering.

Step 5. Value your boyfriend's feelings

Recognizing the feelings or concerns of the other person means not diminishing them. Even if you think your boyfriend's point of view is wrong, you need to accept his opinion to keep the lines of communication open in your relationship.

For example, instead of responding with a phrase like "there is no reason to be angry about what happened last night", try saying something like "I understand that you are angry about what happened last night"

Step 6. Encourage her self-esteem

People with autism often face low self-esteem, as someone may have told them they are a burden due to their disorder or related unusual "behaviors". Offer all your support and reassurance, especially on bad days.