Separating or divorcing is never easy, and leaving your wife after you decide to end your relationship can be one of the most difficult experiences you will have. It's never cool, but if you protect yourself and keep your cool, you can get out of it alive.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Making the Decision
Step 1. Find out if this is a serious or solvable problem
A serious problem has long since settled and has caused irreparable damage; if you find yourself facing one, you should end the relationship as soon as possible. A less serious problem is also less defined and may have a solution, so you should take some time to evaluate the marriage before ending it due to a difficulty that could be resolved.
- Serious problems include abuse, addiction and adultery.
- Less serious problems include moving away and the fading of that feeling that comes from falling in love. These difficulties usually hide unrecognized causes, such as feeling isolated, ignored or criticized. You need to precisely define the underlying problems and try to solve them before coming to the conclusion that leaving your wife is the best remedy.
Step 2. Be honest and realistic
Leaving your wife will be upsetting, while still managing to separate you from her on more or less friendly terms. If you find yourself dreaming of a future and idealizing your single life, so you want to leave your wife simply to chase him, stop immediately and reconsider your decision.
For example, if you are considering leaving your wife because an old high school flame has reappeared or you met another woman, it is highly likely that you are treating your new relationship with extreme idealism, regardless of the benefits of your current marriage or marriage. the repercussions that could arise leaving it in these circumstances
Step 3. If you can, ask for help
As this is a solvable problem, try to work with your wife to fix it. Check with a marriage counselor to find out if there is a way to get the marriage working again before giving up.
Step 4. Make the final decision
Once you are sure you want to leave your wife, sure that this is the only way you can start being happy again, start the process and don't look over your shoulder. One of the main factors is undoubtedly certainty, so if your decision seems sensible to you right now and you know it will continue to be, don't change your mind or doubt it in the future.
Part 2 of 4: Plan
Step 1. Tell someone
By starting the process, find someone you can confide in over the course of this experience. This person shouldn't be your wife or someone on their side. Choose a reliable friend or relative, or consult a psychotherapist.
- A confidant can offer you emotional support throughout the process and objectively guide you when feelings cloud your perspective.
- Telling someone will also allow you to protect your safety throughout the process.
Step 2. Decide where to go
You need a place to stay after leaving home. If you can't come up with any long-term plans, at least try to figure out where you might go temporarily, right after the breakup. You should have the opportunity to stay for at least a few months in this place.
- If you plan to stop by a friend or relative, ask them in advance how long you can stay with them.
- Do you want to go live alone? Start looking for an apartment before you declare your intentions to your wife. If possible, sign the lease before officially leaving.
Step 3. Clarify your expectations
In most cases, leaving leads to divorce. Ask yourself if this is what you expect, or if a legal separation is currently preferable.
Step 4. Make a list of shared assets
List everything you have in common with your wife: money, valuables, property, and so on. Consider how you think they are divided before you leave.
- In some jurisdictions, if your financial assets have been stored in one place, you are legally entitled to receive half of them. Know what you will get after the divorce.
- Valuables that you share with your wife should be shared equally. Those that belong only to you, such as a family inheritance, can be included among your assets. As for what you co-own, make a list of what you don't want and what you want to enforce your rights for.
- You also need to distinguish between the services you share and the separate ones. Services may include phone and web browsing plans. A service you no longer use, such as the internet, will fall under the responsibility of your wife. Shared mobile phone plans must be changed once the divorce or separation process has begun.
Step 5. Find all the marriage documents, such as the marriage certificate and any shared titles
After you get them, make copies. Keep them in a safe place, other than in the house you live with your wife, especially if you suspect that you will have problems after the breakup.
Search for personal data, documents indicating your benefits if you have worked in the army, bank statements, insurance policies, documents related to your work or your pension, documents relating to loans, concerning the children's school and contact lists, credit card statements, bank statements and share certificates
Step 6. Open a personal bank account
If you have an account together or if your wife has access to your personal account, open a private one without her knowing. Make sure you receive your salary there, so you can deposit everything directly into the new account.
- At this time, keep an eye on shared accounts as well. If your wife is manipulative or emotionally bossy, she may start withdrawing money from those accounts in an attempt to keep you from leaving.
- You can usually withdraw half of the money that is in shared accounts, but doing so suddenly could alarm your wife, who will wonder what is going on.
Step 7. Move your belongings to a safe place
If you trust your wife, it may not even be necessary to carry your personal memories and things you have inherited elsewhere. If, on the other hand, you anticipate problems, it's a good idea to sneak anything that could be damaged or used against you by stealth.
Anything you take away from home must legally belong to you, it shouldn't be shared with your wife. Usually, inherited gifts and valuables belong to an individual, not the married couple
Step 8. Hide any weapons or anything that could be used to hurt someone
Again, if you're expecting a quiet breakup, you won't even have to worry about the guns you have around the house. If, on the other hand, you have good reasons to fear for your safety or that of your wife, you should take them out of the house and leave them in a safe place, without her knowing.
You may not think your wife is capable of pointing a gun at you, but you should keep in mind what she might do to herself after you leave. If there is a chance he will get hurt, you should still take your weapons away
Step 9. Make a copy of the keys if you don't have it
This is advisable regardless of your wife's character. Make a copy of your car, house, and any other important property keys. Give it to a trusted friend or relative.
Step 10. Find out if you need to notify law enforcement
This is generally not necessary, but if your wife has threatened you to invent domestic abuse and report it, she may really do so once she finds out that you intend to leave her. Inform the authorities of possible threats that have been made to you in the past.
- Contact the police to explain the situation, i.e. that you have received threats and that you intend to leave your wife, but you fear that she will take revenge on you; ask how to protect yourself from false reports.
- When a domestic abuse report is made, the police may still investigate the situation, however false it is. However, if you go to the authorities right away and explain the problem before they receive a complaint, they will take it into account when deciding what to do.
Part 3 of 4: Tell Your Wife (and Your Children)
Step 1. Write what you will say
Plan everything you intend to say to your wife before actually breaking the news. Try to have a "script" and memorize it carefully. You don't have to remember every single word, but know the main points.
- Try to focus on the reasons you are leaving her and the experiences you have had. Don't use accusatory language, even if you think the marriage ended mostly because of him.
- Describe your expectations (separation, divorce) and make sure you give her space to respond to what you say, giving vent to her thoughts.
- Verify objectively what you are going to say. Ask yourself if you wrote something because you were blinded by anger or a desire to hurt her. If so, delete these sentences and review what you say.
Step 2. Ask your confidant to support you
You will likely need support after you tell your wife. Your chosen confidant should know when you intend to break this news and will need to be available to discuss it later.
Step 3. Make a plan
Don't break this news out of the blue. You have to plan the day, time and place. Agree with your wife so she knows she has to take the time to listen to you, but don't tell her what it is before the time comes.
- Don't surprise her with this news before she goes to work or when you are at a party or restaurant. Set a time when you can speak with no time limit or decibel limits.
- If you are concerned about your physical integrity, choose a public place that still offers some privacy, such as a park.
- Stick to the plan and resist the temptation to spit it out ahead of time, in a moment of anger or pain.
Step 4. Stay calm and follow the "script"
Sit down with your wife and speak calmly based on what you wrote in the planning stage. Expect some emotional reaction from him, but try not to start yelling or arguing in the middle of the conversation. Keep yourself as calm, aloof, and objective as possible.
- Remember it should be a dialogue, not a monologue. Pause while you speak to find out what he thinks, making sure he understands everything you say.
- Be focused and consistent. Don't forget that what you say has a specific purpose. Do not say or do anything that might confuse your purpose as you speak. You may want to calm her down or distract her by remembering the good experiences you shared, but that will only postpone the inevitable and drag things along for a long time.
- Don't use words that can lead to misunderstanding and simply state what you think, but do it kindly. This way, you will improve your chances of being understood.
- Try to understand the surprise or pain your wife might feel after your statement, but don't retrace your steps or feel compelled to justify your decision.
Step 5. If you have children, tell them too
In case your wife isn't the only one who needs to be aware of the situation, try to figure out how to tell them too. In theory, you and your wife should say this together with the children. If you suspect that she will try to manipulate them though, you need to take them aside when you are alone and talk about them separately.
- Just as you have prepared a "script" to tell your wife, you will also have to do it to talk about it with the children. Be honest and make sure you point out that it's not their fault.
- Although your children are now adults, you should talk to your wife about it before explaining the situation to them, and you shouldn't leave without saying why you decided to do it.
Part 4 of 4: Go Away
Step 1. Immediately separate
After communicating your decision, you really need to leave. Pack your bags and leave the house the same evening, if possible.
Staying under one roof would mean looking for trouble. The atmosphere will be more tense and both of you run the risk of having abrupt jerks at you or doing something you regret
Step 2. Hire a lawyer and start the process
Don't wait too long. Don't think you can take it easy once you are physically separated from your wife, legal proceedings don't wait and the more you postpone, the harder it will be to make the next move.
- In some states, it is possible to pass an order to protect your assets during a divorce, but these injunctions only take effect after you apply for them.
- Also, your wife may not take you seriously until she actually has the divorce papers in hand.
Step 3. Cut all bridges
Some exes recover a friendship over time, but you definitely don't need to keep in touch with her for now unless it's important to divorce or separation.
You will need to keep in touch regarding separation details. If you have children, you will see each other more frequently and will have to get used to them. However, avoid meeting her in other contexts, especially when you are feeling lonely and need someone by your side
Step 4. Be strong
The process is difficult, but you can do it. Talk to your loved ones and a psychologist for help and consult a lawyer or other legal expert for support on this front as well.
