Whether your mother-in-law is living with you and your sweetheart to help you out with her newborn child, or whether she's moved in during a particular transition in her life, she should go away at some point. While it is beneficial to have an extra pair of hands or a wise adult in the house, living with your mother-in-law can be similar to walking through a minefield and can also disturb even the quietest person's perception of your personal space. As good and sweet as it may be, you always find yourself walking on eggs because you never know when an explosion will occur caused by the fact that she wants you to do everything her way, by imposed values or by forays into your space. You may have extra problems if your wife is absolutely happy to be living with her mother and you are the only person who needs her to leave as soon as possible.
Regardless of how complicated the situation may be, finding a way to tactfully persuade your mother-in-law to leave your home can be achieved with the right approach.
Steps
Step 1. Consider the elapsed time and current situation
How long has your mother-in-law been living under your own roof? While in some cases even a few days may seem like an eternity, you need to determine what should be considered a reasonable amount of time. Certain factors come into play when you need your mother-in-law to move out immediately:
- What are the current housing conditions? If you live in a 6,000-square-foot house of multiple rooms or have set up a small apartment for her, you may not feel physically uncomfortable, which may give you a little more time before you want to send her away. However, if you sleep on the sofa or are crammed into an empty room because your mother-in-law has taken over your bedroom, the situation is a little more dramatic and may motivate you more to want to send her away.
- Have other family circumstances occurred? Did she take the cat with her even though you are terribly allergic to it? Or has another family member joined in and started living in your house too? Worse still if this relative is spoiled by her and you don't find him so agreeable.
- Is there a date for the transfer? Having a set date is the key. If you can stand it up to this specific date, you can get out of it without running the risk of sounding like "the bad guy of the situation." Instead, if it hasn't been determined yet, it might be time to establish one. This will require tact and strategy, but the effort is worth it.
Step 2. Review external factors
In some cases, your mother-in-law may be living with you to help you with your newborn baby or in case another person living in your home is sick (or she herself is). Either way, you may need to have extreme patience because the benefit of having an extra helping hand outweighs everything else. In this case, she is with you for an obvious reason: to help your family; therefore kicking her out before the situation is resolved (or the child sleeps at night) could lead to a distinct disadvantage. As if that weren't enough, if she's the one who needs help, you'll need to always be there to support her. Whether they're sick or broke, the family needs to get together during a crisis, so you should bite the bullet and brace yourself.
Step 3. Make a list of the reasons you want him to leave
Since you may need to convince your wife and mother-in-law of the benefits of her departure, outline a concrete list of reasons why she should pack her bags and leave. Use real, demonstrable reasons, such as an increase in your electricity bill, sleeping on the sofa, and interrupting the time it takes to be alone with your wife (which could hurt the marriage). Arguments based on the unity and integrity of the family could be another reason, but this must be handled with caution, i.e. you must explain that the problem is caused by lack of space, without placing the blame on a particular person.
- Reasons that will have no hold include: saying your mother-in-law is annoying, saying you feel deprived of the freedom to walk around the house naked, or saying you don't like her scent.
- Starting to renovate the house is a double-edged sword; on the one hand, she may not want to be there, while on the other, she may believe that the work is being done for her good and that she can return as soon as they are completed!
- Also, make a list of the reasons why it should stay. Are there any reasons why it would be better to have her at home? Of course, any family crisis situation carries a huge burden, but does it help you pay some bills or look after the kids (otherwise you'd have to hire someone to do it)? Another thing: if you have been the victim of a natural disaster that destroyed your home, such as an earthquake or fire, you need to be more patient as it may take some time before you can return to your home or receive the insurance money. and find a new property. In order to be completely fair, present a 360 degree argument when discussing it with your wife, in order to demonstrate that yours is a pragmatic approach.
Step 4. Create an "exit" situation for your mother-in-law
With the aim of supporting your argument in asking your mother-in-law to leave, make an effort to develop some solutions that will help her in the transition. For example, if he lives with you while looking for a new place to live (but he "seems" to find nothing acceptable), make his home search a priority for you too. Search for suitable properties online with her, go see them and take her around to real estate agencies to discuss alternatives. Help her discover her ideal living conditions that are appropriate for her budget and find a place where she can live. It is probably a good idea to find a house nearby so that she can accept the move more easily. Most importantly, if you have already thought of a solution, it will be harder for her to reject her with excuses to stay, you will be actively involved in helping her build a transitional bridge and she will be impressed with your goodwill.
If she has brought a pet with her, be sure to keep this in mind as you discuss the reasons why your mother-in-law should have a home of her own (allergies, other pets she doesn't get along with, etc.) and also reassure her of the fact that you will find a place to fix it
Step 5. Take your wife aside and discuss your concerns, expressing what you think and showing the list you have already made
Find a quiet, relaxing opportunity to talk about how you feel. Start the discussion by pointing out all of her good qualities and those of her mother (if she doesn't have one, you'll have to come up with a few, very generalized) and allow the conversation to focus on what you hear. Remember that your mother-in-law is not the "culprit" of what you feel, you are responsible for it, so recognize these feelings as yours. However, explain the impact his presence has had on your life and daily routine. In particular, he underlines the impact his presence also has on the rest of the family.
- Be prepared not to receive full support from your wife if you are not already aware of her feelings; after all, the person who lives with you is still his mother.
- Remind her that you love your mother-in-law, but that your family, the one that grew out of your marriage, is made up of you and your children, she is excluded.
- Ask your wife for input on how the situation should be handled. He knows his mother better than anyone and can help by giving you advice and suggesting the right ways to tell her this news.
- Don't approach your mother-in-law until you can present yourself as a united front. You will not be successful if your wife is not on your side.
Step 6. Sit down and talk with your mother-in-law to discuss the current housing situation
Call your entire family and talk to your mother-in-law about the timing of the move. Start the discussion by asking her if she would prefer to have her privacy or move to a place where she can be more independent. If she wants to cling to the concept of being perfectly satisfied with living with you, explain to her why she cannot reason for reason. Be tactful and show her how family dynamics have changed. Remind her that the family loves her and that her transition to her home or a new one is in everyone's best interest (including her).
Make use of the ideas you have already considered before this discussion, such as helping her find a good place to live, financing her transition, helping her pack up and change her address, etc
Advice
- Make your request for your mother-in-law to leave with affection and care. Check your temper and be patient. He may want to digest the news for a few days before it is possible to take action.
- If your mother-in-law is reticent about leaving and you feel a rift between you and your wife about the matter, she may take advantage of it and use it against you. Agree with your wife before addressing the thorny issue of relocating with the mother-in-law.
- You can always try a simple strategy, like playing with the thermostat. If it's always cold, keep the house cold. If it's always hot, keep the house warm. Eventually it will get fed up and go away.
- If the problem is that your wife is in a dysfunctional relationship with her, be truly supportive and listen to her. This is the best way to offer support. Then analyze all the practical reasons, such as space, privacy, allergies and difficulties of family organization, as indicated above. Unless it is an intervention involving drug or alcohol abuse or perhaps a mental illness, do not raise the issue by saying that it is the mother's behavior that is the problem or part of it; you just have to be very firm and keep the boundaries defined. Then do what you can to offer her the necessary help. Dysfunctional people are unhappy until they receive support, suffering more than the people around them.
- Be available to help your mother-in-law move in or fix the transition to a new home.
Warnings
- Don't let her read this article, or she might decide to stop anyway.
- Don't let the situation turn into a family feud. Choose the right moments to discuss the situation instead of unleashing World War III.
- Never use passive-aggressive tactics to encourage your mother-in-law to leave. Mischievous comments and hunchbacks on the fly will only cause you problems with your sweetheart. Plus, they'll give your mother-in-law a chance to fuel her demands, and with good reason, because she'll understand that you never liked having her around the house.
