The removal of an adult son or daughter can be extremely painful. It is possible to recover the relationship, but it takes time and patience. As a parent, realize that the first step in remedying the situation is up to you. Regardless of whether or not you believe you made a mistake by causing him to be estranged, you need to try to re-establish a dialogue. Respect the limits he has placed on your relationship without opposing it, and do the same. Learn to accept your child for who he is and recognize that he is now an adult, independent and able to make his own choices.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Re-establishing a Dialogue
Step 1. Clarify what went wrong
Before trying to get back to your child, you should find out why he or she is upset or angry with you. You could get the information you need directly from him or learn it through someone else who knows the situation. To mend relationships, identify the problem first.
- Once you have a clearer idea of the whole story, take the time to reflect on the next steps to take and the message you intend to communicate to him.
- Contact them and ask them questions. You could tell him, "Marco, I know you refuse to talk to me right now, but I would like to know what I did to hurt you like this. Could you please tell me? It's not a problem if you don't want to talk to me, but you can write me a letter or an email. I can't fix it if I don't know what it is."
- If you don't get a response, try connecting with another family member or mutual friend who may know what's going on. You might say, "Carlo, have you heard from your sister lately? She's not talking to me and I can't understand what the problem is. Do you know what's going on?"
- Even if the ideal would be to discover the cause behind his removal, it is not certain that you will succeed. However, don't let this obstacle stop you from re-establishing a dialogue with your child.
Step 2. Reflect on yourself
Take some time to reflect on the reasons that led your child to drift away. Has something happened in the past? Has there been a huge life change recently that caused this breakup (for example, a death in the family or the birth of a child)? Maybe you yourself refused to communicate with your child for a period of time and now the parts have reversed.
Keep in mind that many adult children drift away from their parents when their parents divorce. Children of failed marriages often see parents put their happiness before their offspring's needs (although divorce is actually the best solution). Many times, in this type of situation, one parent talks badly about the other without realizing that the children absorb everything that is said. This can jeopardize the future relationship, particularly if a parent did little or no intervention in their child's upbringing when they were young. Children raised by a divorced couple can suffer because they do not feel they are a priority in the life of their parents
Step 3. Take Your Responsibilities
Whether you have done something wrong or not, it is usually the parents who need to take the first step towards reconciliation with the children who have fallen away. Even if the situation seems unfair to you, go further and put your ego aside. If you want to reunite with your child, keep in mind that it is up to you to contact him, even if possible insisting.
Whether your child is 14 or 40, they want to feel loved and valued by their parents. To show him that you love and appreciate him, you need to be willing to fight to mend your relationship. Keep this in mind if it doesn't feel right for you to have the full weight of reconciliation on you
Step 4. Contact him
Despite wanting to meet him in person right away, you will be less intrusive in his eyes if you look for him through a phone call, email or letter. Respect their willingness to keep their distance and give them the opportunity to respond when they want. Be patient and give him a few days to respond.
- Repeat what you want to say before you call him. Also be prepared to leave a voice message. You could say: "Tommaso, I would like to meet you to talk about the situation. Would you be willing in the next few days?".
- Send an email or a text message. For example, you could write to him: "I understand that you are in pain right now and I am so sorry to have hurt you. When you are ready, I hope you will want to meet me to talk about it. Please let me know when you are available. I love you and miss you."
Step 5. Write a letter
If your child is reluctant to see you, you might consider writing him a letter. Apologize for the pain you caused him and admit that you understand why he is sick.
- Writing a letter can be therapeutic for you too. It helps you clarify your feelings and regulate your emotions. Plus, you can take your time to find the right words.
- Offer to meet you when he feels ready. You could write, "I know you are angry right now, but I hope that in the future we can meet again and talk about it. My door is always open."
Step 6. Accept the limits it has set
He may be willing to communicate with you, but not feel ready for a one-on-one meeting, now or ever. He could send an email or speak on the phone. Avoid making him feel guilty even if you leave the door open for future clarification.
If you only communicate by e-mail, you might say, "I am very happy to be able to write to you these days. I hope we will get to the point of seeing you again sooner or later, but without pressure."
Part 2 of 4: Having a First Conversation
Step 1. Arrange a meeting
If your child is willing to talk to you in person, suggest that they see you in a public place for lunch. It's a great idea to eat together because you will be more likely to understand his mood, without considering that sharing a meal allows you to strengthen relationships.
Make sure no other people are involved. Don't bring your husband or wife or anyone else to support you. He might get the impression that he wants you to team up with him
Step 2. Give him a chance to lead the conversation
Listen to their concerns without questioning them or getting defensive. It is also possible that he will come to the appointment expecting an apology right away. If you have this feeling, don't hesitate to offer them.
You should start by presenting your apologies to show that you are aware of the pain you have caused him and that you are able to rebalance the situation. After that, you may want to ask him to explain his state of mind to you
Step 3. Listen without judging
Remember that their point of view matters, even if you disagree. Reconciliation can happen when a person feels heard and understood, so consider their way of seeing the situation.
- By listening, suspending all forms of judgment and without putting yourself on the defensive, you allow your interlocutor to answer sincerely. What he says may hurt you, but keep in mind that your child may need to share it along with his or her feelings.
- You might say, "I feel terrible for the pain I caused you, but I would like to understand. Can you explain me better?".
Step 4. Take charge of your faults
Understand that you will not go anywhere if you do not recognize how you contributed to the problem. Children want parents to take responsibility for their actions. Be willing to do it, regardless of whether you believe you are wrong or not.
- Even if you don't fully understand why your child is angry with you, accept the situation. Don't try to defend yourself. Instead, listen and apologize for the pain you caused him.
- Try to put yourself in his shoes. Having empathy does not mean agreeing with someone, but only understanding their point of view, and understanding the point of view of the other person is an important step in the reconciliation process.
- You might say, "I know I put a lot of pressure on you when you were growing up. I wanted you to be successful. But you probably thought I wasn't happy with you. I didn't want that and things weren't that way. However, I realize that the my behavior made you think."
Step 5. Do not talk about what you think about his removal
Even if it doesn't feel right, this is not the time to emphasize that you feel sad and hurt by the lack of communication with your child. Recognize that he needed space to process his emotions and fix some things. If you throw up sadness, anger, and resentment on him, he'll think you want to blame him at the risk of never recovering your relationship.
- For example, you might say, "I missed the chance to talk to you, but I know sometimes you need to take your space."
- Always avoid saying things like, "I was so depressed that you didn't call me" or "Do you know the pain I've been through without hearing from you?"
Step 6. Apologize
In order for an apology to be sincere, you must clearly admit your mistakes (so that your interlocutor realizes that you understand), express remorse and somehow offer to remedy. Offer your child a sincere apology with which you acknowledge the pain you caused him. Remember to apologize even if you think you did it right. At this moment what matters is his pain, it is not a competition between who is right and wrong.
- You might say, "Tina, I'm so sorry I hurt you. I know you went through a lot of hardship when I drank. I feel terrible about all the mistakes I made when you were little. I understand you want to keep your distance, but I hope I can catch up. ".
- When you apologize, avoid justifying your behavior, even if you think you have a plausible reason. For example "I'm sorry I slapped you five years ago, but I did it because you replied in a cheeky way" is not an excuse and puts the other person on the defensive.
- Remember that to sincerely and effectively ask for forgiveness, you need to emphasize your behavior, not the other person's reaction. For example, "I'm sorry I hurt you with my behavior" is a valid excuse as opposed to "I'm sorry if you were sick". Never use the word "if" to apologize.
Step 7. Consider family therapy
If your child is willing, you may want to take a family therapy course together to discuss your feelings in the presence of a trained professional in this field. The Marriage and Family Therapist is a guide to help family members identify dysfunctional behaviors and develop personalized solutions to problems. Family therapy also serves to raise awareness and improve relationships within the family.
- Family therapy is usually short-lived and focuses on a problem that affects the whole family. You or your child may be encouraged to consult a therapist separately so that each one addresses their difficulties.
- To find a marriage and family therapist, you can go to your doctor, the ASL or search the Internet.
Part 3 of 4: Respect and Set Limits
Step 1. Start gradually
Resist the temptation to suddenly reconnect. In most cases, it's impossible to mend a ruined relationship overnight. Depending on whether the root cause of the estrangement is trivial or serious, it could take weeks, months or even years to return to "normal". A new normal may also be born.
- Keep in mind that during the emotional processing process you will likely need to discuss the issues that have led your child to drift apart several times. A conversation is not enough for everything to magically return to the way it was before.
- Progressively increase contacts. At first meet alone in a public place. Don't invite them to important family events, such as the holiday season, unless they seem ready and willing to attend.
- You could say, "I'd like you to join us for Christmas lunch, but I understand perfectly well if you don't want to. No hard feelings if you don't come. I know you have to take your time."
Step 2. Recognize that your child is an adult
Now your child has grown up and is able to make his own decisions. You may not agree with him, but you need to give him a way to be independent and live his life. If you get in the way, you risk making him push away.
Don't dispense unsolicited advice. Resist the temptation to correct him and let him make his mistakes
Step 3. Avoid giving advice on parenting
Parents are easily upset when they receive educational advice from other people, even though they have good intentions. Don't give your opinion unless asked. You have already raised your children, so now give the same chance to those who come after you.
Show that you will respect his will and the values he wants to pass on to his children. For example, if your grandchildren can only watch TV for one hour a day, stick to this rule in your home as well, or ask first if you can make a break
Step 4. Go to therapy
Managing a complicated relationship with a child can be very stressful and painful. So, try to consult a mental health professional to help you manage your emotions and develop effective communication and adaptation strategies.
- You may want to see a therapist who specializes in family problems. Keep in mind, however, that your personal therapist may recommend that you consult another colleague if you wish to resolve problems with your child. In this way the therapeutic approach will be more objective.
- You can also find help in the online forums of support groups. In these contexts it is possible to meet people who face similar problems, talk about their difficulties and tell about their progress.
Step 5. Be persistent, but not pushy
If your child doesn't react to your contact attempts, don't give up. Send him postcards, email him or leave voicemails so he knows you're thinking of him and want to talk to him.
- However, don't besiege him and respect his need for privacy and distance. Look for it no more than once a week and reduce the frequency if you find yourself intrusive. Either way, don't give up.
- You could say, "Hi, Mario. I wanted to say goodbye quickly and let you know that I was thinking of you. I hope you are okay. I miss you. You know you can come to me anytime you want. I love you."
- Don't go and find him. Respect their limits and keep in touch without being intrusive.
Step 6. Forget it if necessary
Your child may find even the least intrusive attempts to reconnect with him excessive and inappropriate. It is possible that he doesn't want to have anything to do with you, even if you apologized and admitted you were wrong. In that case, it is better for you to accept the situation for your mental well-being and take a step back.
- Put everything in his hands. Send a note or leave a voice message in which you say: "Peter, I understand that you want me to stop looking for you. Even if it upsets me, I will respect your will and I will not contact you again. If you want, I will be here, but I will respect the your choice and I won't call you anymore. I love you."
- Remember that reconciliation can be difficult if you have addiction problems, mental disorders, or a toxic relationship in your child's marriage or romantic relationship (for example, he is married to a controlling person). His estrangement may stem from these problems, but he has no power to do anything until he solves his problems.
- If he urges you not to contact him, consider seeing a therapist who can help you overcome this pain. This is a difficult time to get through and you may need additional support.
Part 4 of 4: Accepting your Son for Who He is
Step 1. Accept that he has a different perspective
Even if you have lived under the same roof and spent most of your life together, you may have two completely different ways of perceiving the situation. Recognize that their memories or point of view are as valid as yours.
- The vision of a situation can vary according to age, relational dynamics or the intimacy that characterizes relationships. For example, moving to a new city may have been a fantastic adventure for you, but for your children it may have been a strenuous experience as they had no choice but to follow you.
- Discordant perceptions are part of family life. For example, when you were a child, your parents may have taken you to a museum. Maybe they pleasantly remember that day, made up of interesting exhibits and a fun family outing. Conversely, you might remember the excruciating heat of the coat and the fear unleashed by dinosaur skeletons. Both your memories and those of your parents are right - they are just different points of view.
Step 2. Accept the differences
The estrangement may be due to the fact that neither of you approves of the other's life choices. Even if you can't change your child's attitude towards you, you can show him that you accept him for who he is, regardless of everything.
- Do what you can to show him that you have changed your perception of things. For example, if he's gay and you have a conservative religious outlook, hang out with more liberal and inclusive believers.
- Try telling your child that you are reading a certain book to get his point of view.
- If he doesn't talk to you because he disapproves of your life choices, it's more difficult. Be steadfast and confident, and keep showing him that you love him. Do your best to keep communicating with him and try to see him.
Step 3. Recognize their right to disagree
You don't have to change your views or beliefs. Just try to respect hers. You can disagree with someone and still respect and appreciate them. It is not necessary for everyone to feel the same way.
- Accept differences of opinion. For example, if you are a believer and your child is an atheist, you may decide not to go to church when he comes to see you.
- Find conversation topics that don't highlight your differences. If your child starts talking about a topic that has led you to discuss in the past, you might say, "Carlo, for now we accept the fact that we don't see it the same way. We always fight when we address this topic."
