How to Set Limits (with Pictures)

2024 Author: Samantha Chapman | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 09:13

A boundary places a space between you and another person. Think of it as a fence or gate. As the keeper of that demarcation, you have the right to decide how far others can approach you, physically and emotionally. By setting boundaries, you allow people to demonstrate how trustworthy they are before you let them into your life.

Steps

Part 1 of 4: Understanding the Healthiest Limits

Step 1. Know why healthy boundaries need to be set

When they are healthy, limits are a shield with which to protect themselves and have the freedom to grow and improve throughout life. People shape their limits based on what they have learned from previous relationships with parents, siblings, friends, and partners.

Step 2. Compare the healthiest and most harmful limits

Before you can set healthy boundaries, you need to figure out what the negative ones are. Among the latter, consider:

The need to always be together with your partner;
Manipulation of one's partner;
The inability to have friendships with other people;
Consumption of alcohol and drugs to feel comfortable in a relationship;
The desire that a relationship never changes;
Jealousy or lack of commitment in relationships.

Step 3. Learn to recognize emotional limitations

If you know how to set healthy limits on an emotional level, you are able to express your tastes and desires. This ability allows you to separate your emotions from those of another person and safeguard your self-esteem. Therefore, within the personal spaces protected by the presence of healthy limits lie the beliefs, behaviors and personal choices, but also the sense of responsibility and the ability to become familiar with others. Here are some examples:

Make personal health and well-being important and don't feel pressured to neglect your own needs.
You have the right to be treated with respect.
Don't get manipulated and don't feel obligated to do what you don't want to do, even if the other person is trying to make you feel guilty.
Don't let anyone scold you, insult you, and make you feel bad about who you are or what you do.
Do not accuse others of things you are responsible for and do not allow them to accuse you of things that are not your responsibility.
Keep your emotions separate from those of others, even if you put yourself in the shoes of the people you love.
Communicate your needs assertively and, if you can, try to cooperate. In this way, you will be able to maintain mutual respect with others.

Step 4. Recognize your physical limitations

Another aspect is the physical distance between you and another person. In interactions with close friends or family, less physical distance is established than between strangers.

When someone intrudes on our physical space, we feel it internally. We feel awkward and unnatural.
When you are in a romantic relationship, make sure you are comfortable interacting physically with the other person. Tell her about anything that makes you feel comfortable and loved.
In Northern Europe and North America, people establish a greater physical distance.
In the countries of the Middle East, South America and Southern Europe, people maintain a shorter physical distance and contact is more frequent.
In Eastern cultures, contact, such as a pat on the back, is considered a taboo or an offense.

Step 5. Recognize the physical limitations inherent in the things that belong to you

Physical boundaries are often referred to as a protection of personal spaces. Personal space includes your material possessions, such as your home, bedroom, personal effects, car, etc. Therefore, you have every right to set limits for others to respect for your privacy and everything in your possession.

You could violate a person's physical limits if you check their belongings without having permission. Even if you are concerned about her safety or suspect there is a problem, the healthiest and most respectful way to proceed is to approach her and talk to her. Tell her clearly that she has crossed a line and that it is not fair behavior

Step 6. Set emotional boundaries to improve your self-esteem

By learning to safeguard your emotional limits, you have the opportunity to gain an awareness that will allow you to have a clearer idea of your identity. Strengthened by a similar awareness:

You will develop a healthy consideration of your person, independent of anyone else.
You will be able to listen to your emotions and act accordingly.
You will be able to control what you want to reveal to others about yourself so that you can respect yourself.
You will be able to say "no" when you need to be assertive and stay true to yourself.

Part 2 of 4: Set Healthy Limits

Step 1. Decide to set limits

The first step is to recognize the need to set limits or improve them. Personal limits are more an extension of love and respect for oneself and others rather than a reaction to fears or any rejections. They are a release from the need to please others in order to feel loved and accepted.

For example, your roommate continues to borrow your car, but she never fills up or pays you back the fuel she uses. You can't keep paying for gas for him

Step 2. Define your limits

Ask yourself what you hope to achieve by establishing them. You should define limits of various kinds, for example physical and emotional, in different contexts, such as family, work and friendship.

For example, you may decide not to give others the opportunity to take advantage of you, disrupt your times, or invade your personal spaces.
For example, you should require your roommate to contribute to the gasoline costs when she picks up your car.

Step 3. Set boundaries

Let the people in your life know what your limits are. This way, they will understand your expectations and needs.

For example, calmly and politely tell your roommate that she has to contribute to the expenses related to the use of a car. If he refuses, he will no longer be able to drive your car.
For example, if your friends have a habit of showing up at your house without warning and this behavior bothers you, let them know that you would prefer to call you before coming to you. If you set limits, you have the ability to address problems as they arise (for example, when a person borrows something without asking), letting it be known that it is not acceptable. Speak calmly and gently. Tell your roommate that you would like her to ask your permission before taking your car.

Step 4. Safeguard your limits

For many people this is the hardest part. Realize that only you can enforce the limits you have set. In the meantime, you will learn how to assert yourself.

For example, if your roommate forgets to give you gas money, remind her politely, but firmly.
You will likely make some missteps and overlook a few rules, but keep in mind that this is a path. Recover what you established and defend it with determination.
Others may resist at first. If they respect you, they will be willing to comply.
Remember that you don't have to try to change others or control them, but focus on how you want to be treated. Communicate it with words and behaviors. For example, if a friend still has the habit of passing by without warning you, to safeguard your limit, you could say: "I'm sorry you came this far, but I'm struggling with a work project and I can't dedicate you. one minute. Call me first next time. " With this strategy you will defend the respect of your time and your personal spaces, without being rude.

Step 5. Be direct

If you are direct and concise, you have the ability to communicate your limitations in a respectful way. On the contrary, if you are not very frank, you complain or you lengthen your explanations, you will send a confused message. Here is an example of direct communication:

You: "Nicola, we've been playing video games for hours. I'm tired and I want to go to sleep."
Nicola: "Oh come on, it's Friday night! Let's watch a movie or order a pizza".
You: "I'm sorry, but I don't feel like it. You have to go. I'm going to bed."

Step 6. Take care of yourself

One of the hardest things to deal with when you tend to set and defend your limits is the fear of being rude or selfish. Put yourself first by recognizing and respecting what you feel. This doesn't mean offending others or trampling on their feelings. At the base of the search for one's limits is the will to take care of oneself, thanks to which the suitable conditions are created to be available to others.

Give yourself the opportunity to recognize and respect the limits you need to live well.
Others may choose whether or not to respect the limits within which you have decided to live. If they don't want to respect them, you have the option to reinforce them with more assertiveness.

Step 7. Eliminate people who harm you from your life

You have every right to erase negative people from your life, i.e. those who manipulate and mistreat you. Learning to set healthy boundaries will take some time, but you will succeed if you surround yourself with people who support you and respect your choices.

Don't let anxiety or low self-esteem keep you from taking care of yourself.
Don't feel responsible for how others react to you when you keep healthy boundaries.

Step 8. Start gradually

In the beginning, set limits that are easy to manage so that you get used to them. Don't mind too strict rules.

Let's say you have a friend who is standing too close to you or is out of breath when you read your email. It's a great time to learn how to ask for more personal space.
As you draw clearer and healthier limits, it will be easier to preserve them. At the same time, you will notice that your self-confidence will increase and your relationships will improve.

Step 9. Be patient as you nurture your relationships

To develop a healthy relationship, you need to set boundaries. A deep friendship is built over time. It cannot be hastened by violating interpersonal boundaries or by trusting more than is appropriate.

You can feel connected to another person even though you have set healthy boundaries. However, you will be able to respect yourself, your times and your needs, without getting devoured in the lives of others.
You need to feel free to hang out with other people. In a balanced relationship, you don't have to ask for permission to do something. If your boyfriend or girlfriend gets jealous when you go out with friends, try to make it clear what the limits are for both of you to have a social life.

Part 3 of 4: Setting Work Limits

Step 1. Communicate your limitations to colleagues

It's easy to make too many commitments if you don't set or stick to limits. Therefore, make sure colleagues are aware of how far you can and can go by clearly communicating this need.

For example, some may expect you to respond to emails at any time. If you want to read corporate mail during business hours, you need to be clear. If a colleague tells you, "I'm sending you an email about a draft of the project tonight," reply, "I'll check it out as soon as I get to the office."

Step 2. Get help when you need it

If the workload is getting too heavy, ask your manager to assign you a co-worker. You can also offer some suggestions on how to divide the tasks so that you can complete the most urgent ones and give priority to others.

Step 3. Establish appropriate interpersonal boundaries

It is important to keep certain limits so as not to compromise professionalism and productivity in the workplace. A regulation is probably already in force in the company that establishes certain limits, in particular on compliance in the office, on the use of technological devices and so on.

If you are in a managerial position, you can help develop a company policy to ensure compliance with certain limits

Step 4. Plan your working day

Set time limits to structure your day. Establish an agenda for meetings so that brainstorming is productive for everyone. If you spend too much time replying to emails, just check your email for a quarter of an hour a couple of times a day.

Step 5. Think about how you intend to react when someone oversteps your boundaries

It is inevitable that someone will come to invade your spaces. Think about how you can react. It may be acceptable to make an exception sometimes, but keep in mind that you will have a harder time enforcing them if you are not consistent on this point.

Part 4 of 4: Get rid of relationships that involve violence or manipulation

Step 1. Recognize violent and manipulative behavior

Some behaviors are not just due to the lack of limits. They are violent and manipulative. Here are some warning signs about attitudes that can turn out to be violent or manipulative:

Physical violence: This can include beating, slapping, punching, or other gestures that cause physical harm.
Threats of Violence: According to the Northwestern University Women's Center, "healthy relationships don't involve threats."
Breaking objects: if adopted to intimidate another person, this behavior can precede the use of physical violence.
Use of force during an argument: Someone may try to physically restrain you or block you so that you cannot take refuge in a safe place.
Jealousy: A jealous person may question or control their partner in everything they do.
Authoritarian Behavior: Someone may take an interest in all your movements to the point that they begin to control you in your physical appearance and in everything you do. Control becomes evident when he asks you about where you've been, what you've done, who you've been with, or why you've come home late.
Rapid Engagement: The abuser may exert pressure with the intent to enter into a relationship before the time it takes to develop certain feelings and a desire to commit.
Isolation: This can include repeated attempts to eliminate any contact between you and the people you love.
Cruelty to animals or children: Used by the offender to force you to do what he wants, regardless of the victim's pain or feelings.

Step 2. Close the relationship

If you recognize violent or manipulative behavior in your relationship, there is probably no point in discussing it anymore. Even if you set boundaries, you will not be able to end your partner's aggressive behavior with a conversation. If you have the ability to end the relationship without compromising your safety, get away from the other person as soon as possible.

Step 3. Create a support network

If there are serious risks in ending your relationship, build a support network of trustworthy people who take your situation seriously, such as friends or family.

Come up with a code word or phrase to signal to the people you rely on that you need immediate help. It will not be easy if your tormentor closely monitors everything you do and does not allow you to be alone.
Use the phone or the Internet to connect with others. Choose a secure password to make sure your communications remain private.
Make a list or memorize the phone numbers of places and people to ask for help.
Know where the first aid is in case of injuries and rescue.

Step 4. Make a plan to escape and be ready to act immediately

Plan an itinerary that will allow you to reach a safe place. Be prepared to leave most of your belongings, such as clothes and personal effects. Take only the insidious minimum with you.

Step 5. Secure your mobile and computer settings

Make sure they are not a means by which your attacker has the opportunity to trace your address or find out where you are.

Step 6. Find out where the nearest shelter is located

Most cities have shelters for victims of domestic violence. They are places where you can find shelter and safety from attackers, while keeping your identity confidential. Most offer temporary protection and assist you by giving you temporary housing.